Father For Life

My Morning With Elmo

2010-05-12T06:54:00.002-04:00

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time to read my rants and ramblings. I especially want to thank those of you (with the exception of the scam links) who have felt compelled to share your own thoughts with me. I honestly can not begin to express how I feel when I read all of your comments. They mean so much. So again, thank you all.

I started this as an outlet for my anger and frustration over the things that were happening to me during a very tough time in my life. And while the anger will probably never go away, the frustration of feeling so helpless is gone. The only thing that she and I have in common is our children and thank god that there are rules set in place by the courts as to how she and I will raise them. But getting to the point where she doesn't have a say in when I get to see my girls or how I raise them took almost two years and that period in time sucked.....big time.

To all you guys (and ladies) out there who may be going though this hell, I want to say that there is a light at the end of it all and you just have to keep your faith that things will get better.

The biggest complaint I've come across concerning parents and their desire to spend time with their children is that the other parent involved makes it all such a hassle. I've read stories how one parent will bad mouth another or how when exchanging the children, one of the parents will just tear into the other parent. All of this in front of the children. Been there. Here's some advice.

1. Make the exchange location a public area. This doesn't always help because some people will make a scene regardless of where they are but it is something to try.

2. Bring a friend or relative with you. If the ex or soon to be doesn't have a problem bitching you out in public then this probably won't be too effective however it may help especially if you have the child's grandparent or uncle with you. If you bring a friend try bring someone who is the same sex as you. Dads bring a guy friend. The benefit to bringing a friend or relative is that you will have someone who can testify on your behalf if you ever need to go to court.

3. Pick your kids up from school or a friends house. Take the other parent out of the equation altogether. This is what I do 90% of the time and it has worked out well. If I have to return the kids to her house then I just park at the end of the driveway, give my hugs and kisses in the car then send them to the house.

I'm sure there are a few more ideas out there. Share them with me if you have some. I'm just tired of the excuse that some parents use about how the ex makes things so difficult and that's why they don't see their children as often as they would like. It's a cop out and it makes you sound weak. If everything else fails then petition of courts. They are your children and if you truly want to be with them than no power in the universe should stop you. Especially your bitter and pitiful ex.

Like I said, anger and helplessness were the catalyst for this blog but I would like it to grow into something better. I'm going to try to give you all advice, ideas and tools that hopefully will help you get back to where you need to be in your lives. You may be going through divorce or maybe you already are divorced. Whatever your situation, your children need you in their lives. And there is nothing more noble or worthwhile than being a good parent.

Be back soon,
W

Nothing Witty

2010-03-07T02:02:00.003-05:00

Ok, by a show of hands I would like to know how many of you divorced daddy's out there are actively involved in your childrens lives.

Really??? 'Cause studies suggest that 8 out of 10 of you with your hands raised are lying your f@%king asses off. So if we have around 1 million divorces a year that involve children (this number is a bit dated but let's imagine this number hasn't increased too much), 800,000 of you 'men' spend less than 10 hours a week with your children. Is it really any wonder why teen suicides, pregnancies, dropouts, and runaways are so high and increasing every single minute.

But what do you guys care right? I mean, your ex is a bitch and she makes seeing your kids such a hassle. Besides you have a new life now with new problems and responsibilities. Maybe you have a new girlfriend and your too busy ignoring her kids to be thinking about spending an afternoon with your own children.

Seriously if I could take you all down to the river and chain anchors around your necks....

What you men fail to understand, what most men actually have problems with (in my opinion of course) is that you know how easy it is to prevent bad things from happening but you take little interest in doing the things you should to make sure that things don't get too out of control. When was the last time any of you had a physical checkup?? Better to have a finger up the butt now than an entire Hubble telescope and 5 NASA engineers probe your ass later.

So how about this. You are at work one day and you see a bunch of guys hanging out at the coffee machine laughing and joking. No one will tell you what's so funny. You come to find out later that somebody came across a video of your daughter on the internet doing things....well you get the idea. That's right daddy, your little Annie is doing what you thought only others guys daughters sometimes wind up doing. Of course you never thought of those other girls as somebody's daughter did you?

Or......

That boy of yours, the one that made you feel so proud of yourself has, at the age of 17, just dropped out of school. But he had to cause guess what, he's about to become a daddy too. Maybe he'll be a better father than you were. Don't count on it though because really, he didn't have much of a role model did he? Don't expect much of a Fathers Day gift this year. Pizza delivery guys don't make all that much.

Or.......

The ex has a new boyfriend. Great news right? Maybe she'll be less of a bitch or at least not have as much energy to bitch at you now that she has someone else to bitch at. But this new boyfriend has a thing for touching young children......that's right, let that sink in a bit. IT SUCKS BUT IT FUCKING HAPPENS AND WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUR CHILDREN ARE GOING TO GO TO FOR HELP!!!!! NO ONE!!!!! Think about it.

Or.....

You die alone because no one gives a shit about your sorry, pathetic ass.

And this happens all the time. But it doesn't have to. Not to you.

Fraternal instinct is no better nor worse than maternal instinct. To say that women are better nurturers or caregivers is crap and a cop out. Yes, I was lucky in that I was able to form a very deep and personal bond with my girls that most men and women are not afforded the time to achieve. I'm no better a parent because of it but I am tied to my children forever because of it. Maybe you missed the first steps, or the first words or whatever but there are so many things, so many wonderful things to come in their lives. Don't miss out on them because someday you may regret it.

And regrets suck. Trust me.

More to come.

W

You Can't Tuna Fish

2009-12-15T21:18:00.002-05:00

Ok, let's all just pretend that I've been keeping up this blog for the last year and you all have been somewhat entertained. We'll just go from there.

If I suggest that sexual bias is alive and well in the divorce courts of Maryland doubt that I would get a lot of people arguing with me. HOWEVER, if I suggested that sexual bias played a role in my divorce hearing I would probably sound angry and bitter and I don't wanna sound that way. I'll just recap everything and we'll move on.

The custody evaluator insisted that the girls needed a primary residence. She decided that since I had no house, no job, no money, and no relatives in the area, my then soon to be ex should have primary physical custody of the girls. I have them for 12 days out of the month plus I pick them up from school and take them to dinner or whatever every other Monday. It's so close to a 50/50 split that I'm not too concerned with the label of Primary anything. We both share legal custody of the girls with mediation in the event that we are unable to agree on anything.

As far as the other stuff goes well let's just say that my lawyer and the judge didn't exactly see eye to eye on what was 'fair'. According to my lawyer there were some things said by the judge that could have been taken as sexually biased and in the end the judge had already made up his on the way this was all going to end. Personally, I was a bit offended but I won't make any comments about what was said as this was all told to me by my lawyer. I was not in the room to hear the statements that were made. I will say that if the comments had been made then it's just a sad commentary on where things still are in the courts.

But as I was leaving the courtroom feeling pretty much beaten and abused, a Maryland State Trooper who had been sitting in the back stood up, stuck out his hand and said that "I was his hero"

I've been told by the though my lawyer that my ex's lawyer would rather I not say anything else about my ex and that there could be more court stuff if I do. I'm not sure I can do that. Actually I'm pretty sure I can't do that. We'll see how it goes. I think I have a right or two if I'm not mistaken. Or did she take those too??

I'll be back soon. Lots, and lots of stuff still to tell.

Love,
W

Take Me To The Other Side

2009-08-29T15:01:00.003-04:00

I decided to write today in hopes of clearing my head a bit. It usually helps to write. Maybe it will now. Read along if you're so inclined.

We all learn the an important lesson, maybe the most important lesson, at a very early age. And that lesson is that life isn't always fair. Bad things happen to good people, good things happen to the bad. The karma wheel just keeps on rolling seemingly ignoring the people who need it most.

I'm driving down the highway one day when some @#$$% pulls up behind me, tailgates me for about 2 miles then swerves into the next lane cutting off the person beside him. He then zooms off down the road. So why am I the one who the police pull over for a broken brake light??!!!

I have my divorce hearing in 4 days. I'm trying to keep quiet until then. Let me just say (and I will tell you all about it afterwards) that I already know how this one is going to end. And no, justice won't be done that day. Ahhhhh karma is one fickle little bitch.

See you all in a few,

LOUD

2009-05-28T16:12:00.002-04:00

I think that a big part of my problem right now is that I'm not really sure who I am anymore. So much of my life for the last five years had been spent raising two little girls and when that changed it left a huge void. Even after almost a year I'm still trying to figure out where I belong in the world.

Feeling the way I do has made it hard to write in this blog because I can see all the sentences going round and round in circles of nonsense with no apparent direction. I spend too much time editing my thoughts. The writing gets bogged down with me trying to explain what I meant instead of just leaving it up to you all to figure out for yourselves.

But there hasn't been a day that's gone by where I didn't have a thought or two that I wanted to put down here. So I'll try one last time. I think I have something to say. I'll let you all decide if it's important or not.

My next post will be about alienation and how children get caught in the middle.

Good Girls Don't.........

2009-01-02T08:25:00.005-05:00

Sorry that it's taken me so long to get back here. I've had a ton to write about but I've been lacking the discipline it takes to sit at the computer and get it all out. I'll try harder this year.

The wife and I went before the judge in a preliminary hearing to establish temporary custody and support issues. The ruling gave me most of what we were asking for and I believe that the judge did what he thought was best for the girls. My wife told me that she was planning on appealing the judgement and when that didn't work they would be asking for a stay that would basically delay any action ordered by the judge. This is all about the money. The judge ruled that she owed me money retroactive to the order and she doesn't want to pay. Not much to do about it but to let the system do it's job.

We've been given 50/50 custody (both legal and physical) of the girls for now. I'm pretty happy with the way things were laid out in the court order. The judge asked that we both try to work together when making legal decisions for the girls and if we reached an issue that we could not agree upon we were each given the power to make the final decision in certain areas. For example, if we could not agree on what school the girls would go to next year then my wife would have the power to make the final decision. Likewise, if we disagreed on a health issue then I would have the final say. I had not unheard of it being done this way as it promotes communication between the parents.

Physical custody of the girls is a 7/7 schedule meaning that the girls are with me one week then with the wife the following week. Neither the wife nor I feel that this is working for the girls so we are discussing alternatives. The professionals I have talked to seem to feel that 7 days is too long for a child to go without seeing the other parent and I agree. Nikki appears to be 'ok' but I think it's much harder on Jessie. Anyway, my wife and I with the help of the custody evaluator are working towards a schedule that is better for the girls.

So this has been more of a legal update. I will fill you all in on the more personal stuff next time.

Jacob if you're reading this I wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with you.

Raspberry Beret

2008-11-06T22:46:00.003-05:00

I am proud that The United States as a people came together and decided that the time was right for a black man to lead us. Whether he was the correct choice remains to be seen but for today let's all just take a moment and really think about what this means in terms as a milestone for this country. It was a big step.

Do not however believe that this wasn't, at least in some part about color. Plenty of people voted for Obama BECAUSE he was black, just as many voted against him for that very reason. Maybe someday it won't matter what color your skin is. Maybe someday it won't matter if you're male. Maybe someday it will be about a persons character and what they stand for that solely elects a person to the presidency of this country. I hope I'm around to see that day.

And just as I am proud of what we have done, I am ashamed of what we have undone.

Proposition 8 which amended the State of California's Constitution and overturned the California Supreme Courts ruling now bans same sex marriage. What the hell are you people thinking. I love California, I was born in San Diego and I have always considered the state to be one of open mindness and acceptance. To see that Prop 8 passed is disturbing on so many levels.

I am tempted to start blasting all the religious organizations who would throw the bible at this and state how God hates gays. God doesn't hate gays. Personally I don't believe that God hates anyone. But I'm pretty sure that if He/She/It did hate, it would be those who assume to have the knowledge of His/Hers/Its hate that would anger Him/Her/It the most.

In a world that desperately needs all the love it can get, why are we so quick to shut down the idea of two people, regardless of race or religion or sex....oh wait, people of different religions and races may get legally married in this country. Why the hell are we so worried about what two people of the same sex do together?

Considering how the concept of marriage has been abused by the heterosexuals, maybe it's time to give someone else a try.

I know that I touched on a lot of tender subjects. Let's see we had colored people, gays, bible thumpers, hell, I even threw in the idea of a woman president. I didn't mean to offend anyone and I'm sorry if I did. I just ask you to open your mind to a new idea or two if even just for a second and look at it from outside of the boxes you have built for yourselves.

This post is officially over. Feel free to return to your boxes.

Going to the Philippines

2008-10-22T07:00:00.001-04:00

Daniel,

First, I want to thank you for your emails. I can honestly say that they were 95% of the reason as to why I decided to continue to not only blog but to do so in an open forum available to anyone who stumbles upon it.

Divorce is hard no matter which side of it your on. Those of us who wake up to find that the one we married no longer wants us tend to blame ourselves asking what we could have done to prevent it. Our egos get cut to pieces and for a long time we are unable to trust anyone or anything. Happiness scares us as we believe that it can't last. And it takes time before we can be ok with the worlds inherent uncertainty.....if we are able to ever be truly ok again.

If you're the one who is leaving the marriage you have your own issues. Anger tends to be a big one. People tend to make their biggest life changes during times of adversity and will often believe that they are 'victims' of the situation. As such, we (as I have played this role before) feel that we did what we were forced to do. Regardless of whether the decision to divorce your spouse was in fact the best thing, when you feel that it was the only way to go you can often become angry and feel as if control of your life has been taken away.

The trick to life as I see it is very simple. Sometimes it's not so much what we do as it is how we do it. Put the hurt behind you as quickly as you can and try to remember that regardless of which side you're on, there is someone on the other side who you once cared about and who is hurting more then he or she can say. If you can take the time and effort to understand that pain and go forward with sympathy I promise that you feel much better about it all and about yourself.

Daniel, I know that the decision has been made in regards to you and your wife's future together. And while nothing is ever done that can't be undone, I truly wish you both the best and that you two can find peace with yourselves and each other soon.

Your friend,

Me

Say what?

2008-10-17T01:21:00.003-04:00

In the state of Maryland, when parents are having trouble working out custody issues, the courts will often order mediation. So for 4 hours and $600 I get to sit across from a woman who I can't stand to look at while she tries to excuse the things she's done as if I (or the mediator) gives a rats hairy butt about what she's saying. Well, ok, maybe the mediator gives a butt......

Look, I will be the first to admit that I have no clue as to what goes on with my children when they are at my stbx's (soon (but not soon enough) to be ex) house. But if the last five years is any indication of her care giving then I have real concerns for the well being of my children. Am I supposed to say 'Oh sure, you've been phoning in the whole 'mothering' thing for the last five years but you're probably doing a much better job now. Go ahead and raise my kids as you see fit.'

What I need to happen is exactly the thing the courts don't want to have happen. See the courts feel, and I somewhat agree, that the parents are best equipped to make the decisions for their children. The courts will send parents to mediation in hopes that most if not all of the major issues can be resolved. This just won't work in our case. And I think that this was pretty obvious when the mediator had to separate us shortly after the session started.

What I need to happen is to have a custody evaluator come in and take a look at what's going on behind the closed doors then make a recommendation to the courts. And given our first mediation session, I expect that this will be the only way to resolve things.

Free

2008-10-14T02:42:00.002-04:00

Due to a weird twist of events I have decided that if I'm going to keep writing then it should be here. So for anyone who cares, expect new stuff shortly.

And Missy, thank you for being the first in line. Big smiles to you.

2008-09-29T02:41:00.002-04:00

The clock reads 2:22am and I think it's time for a change.

I've decided that I want to write again but I can't do it out in the open anymore. It's a trade off. On one hand I love the fact that I got emails from people I've never met saying that they read some of my writing and came away with whatever they went away with. But on the other hand, well, have you ever done something knowing that you would get into trouble if you got caught but you did it anyway?? If you have then you'll understand.

So I am taking the words of a dear friend and I'm starting a new, invitation only bloggy. I'm not sure how it works yet but I will send out an email to you all shortly. You can go to

http://thelightersideofchaos.blogspot.com. It may send me a notice asking if I want to allow you access. No idea so we'll see.

I hope you all decide to follow me to my new playground. I will do my best to entertain.

Peace,

2008-09-26T01:28:00.002-04:00

I miss this place.

......and 22 minutes after that line I still don't know what I want to say.

Ok, so going backwards I now have insomnia, the flu/a cold, a goldfish (won by throwing a ping pong ball into a glass vase although it's been heavily argued that the ball was not thrown by anyone I know), a 9 year old dog named Maggie (who loves Burger King french fries and homemade M&M cookies), a $10 a month text messaging plan, a couple new cd's, a daily updated Facebook page, a few new shirts, peppermint soap, over 7k of high end chests opened, a new friend or two, AND a new hair cut that looks a lot like the old hair cut but was much more interesting to get.

I hope to be able to let you all in on the specifics of the ongoing legal battle between my wife and myself regarding our children very shortly. The courts are now involved and things have been put into motion but there is nothing really to say other then things take time.

So if you feel like pulling out your decoder rings I will try to relay some info in the next few days/weeks. You can always email me if you so desire. Also, I need more Facebook friends so that option is always available to you all.

Anyway, I'll be back later I think.

Back After a Brief Intermssion

2008-07-16T21:20:00.002-04:00

I had about 15 bad things happen to me today. I'm done.

The kids are going to the beach next week with their mother and I am thinking about taking that time and getting out of town for a while.

I may or may not ever write here again. If I made the decision right now then I would probably not continue this.

I have everyones emails and you all have mine. I will keep in touch regardless of what happens.

See you all soon,

The Things We Do For Love

2008-07-14T12:52:00.002-04:00

I've been talking to a friend of mine about music and playlists. Playlists for those who aren't in the know are a group of songs that usually follow a theme. In the old days I use to tape songs off of records (way back in the day) then give the tape to whatever girl I was crushin' on at the time. A good playlist might score me a kiss and a bad one well, we won't go there.

ANYWAY

While going through some of my music for this new playlist I'm working on I came across this song. It made me think of Arte and Lola and so I dedicate it to them.

They Stood Up For Love

Naked lovers feel the blood beneath their veins
Electric nerves comunicate
With tiny explosions through our brains
Who is this energy that never left or came?
Give rise to passion the only glory
Of this human story

I give my heart and soul to the one

We spend all of our lives goin out of our minds
Lookin back to our birth, forward to our demise
Even scientists say, everything is just light
Not created, destroyed but eternally bright
Masters in everytime lord in every place
Those who stood up for love down in spite of the hate
In spite of the hate

Who put the flower in the barrel of that gun?
Who lit the candle, started the fire,
Burnt down the fortress, the throne?
Who could house all the refugees in a single shack
Or a lowly bungalow?
Who lives in a different dimension, free from the
Struggles we know?

I give my heart and soul to the one

We spend all of our lives goin out of our minds
Lookin back to our birth, forward to our demise
Even scientists say everything is just light
Not created, destroyed but eternally bright
Masters in everytime lord in every place
Those who stood up for love down in spite of the hate
We spend all of our lives goin out of our minds
They live in the light

We made it to the moon
But we cant make it home
Waitin on a rescue that never comes
Made it to the moon
But we cant make it home
Maybe home is where the heart is given up
To the one, to the one

We spend all of our lives goin out of our minds
Lookin back to our birth, forward to our demise
We spend all of our lives goin out of our minds
They live, they

They stood up for love
Stood up for love
Stood up for love
They stood up for love
Stood up for love
Stood up for love

We spend all of our lives goin out of our minds
Masters in everytime
We spend all of our lives goin out of our minds
Stood up for love

Honky Tonk Women

2008-07-13T19:13:00.002-04:00

Give it up for Billy

Power Windows

There is a story behind this song. Maybe I'll get around to talking about it someday.

Ok so I find myself out on that old familiar ledge again. I believe that trepidation can kill a mans soul faster then any bad woman can. Luckily, at least in my experience, the good women outnumber the bad. HOWEVER let us not forget the bad ones are out there. And god give us the wisdom to see 'em coming. Our fears are what screw us up. I wish I could remember that.

My problem, among the many I have listed here already, is that I'm too sensitive. Well rephrase - I'm too sensitive for society's view of men. Too sensitive, too emotional, too open. And the last week or so has made me very conscience of this fact. But you all know that right? I figure most of you who read this knows what's going on in my life at this moment. No matter how together I may sound (hey, in my head I sound together) I'm really not so much. So I think I throw people off a bit. But I don't want to be like other guys really. Most guys suck and they far outnumber the good guys. Not that I consider myself a good guy but I like to at least think that I'm not one of the bad ones.

...and I wish I could just come out and say stuff on MY blog without worrying because I am so sick of having to mail out decoder rings to everyone who reads this. This blog is beginning to make me feel worse not better. I don't do the holding back thing well. I guess you all know this too. Maybe I should just stop for a while.

In other news, a friend of mine is considering jumping back into the marriage saddle. All I can say is that I wish him all the best. I hope the woman knows what a great guy he is and I hope she says yes. And I truly hope that we can get together one day and have that beer we keep talking about.

Night Guys

I Want it All and I Want it NOW

2008-07-07T22:43:00.002-04:00

Tonight I feel happy, I would dare say bordering on schoolgirl giddy. It's been a good night.

In other and totally unrelated news -

The other day I received an email from a professor from a college in Texas. He asked me to fill out a survey on a study he is doing about stay at home fathers. I checked him out on the web and he seems to have a strong interest on the subject of us stay at home fathers as he has already written a couple of papers on the the subject. I hope the info I gave him helped. Stay at home dads need all the attention and support that they can get.

Ok, I'm off to resume being giddy.......

Night :)

Big City Nights

2008-07-06T20:02:00.002-04:00

I'm feeling soulful.

I hope everyone who is reading this understands why I can't talk about a bunch of stuff. Everything is moving towards the courts now and the less I say about things the better. Well, better for my lawyer that is. For me it kinda sucks.

Like being able to open up here. My own virtual Confessional. If you aren't writing your stuff down then maybe you should think about starting. We all have stuff.

My dad writes. He will write and write then throw it all away. Not sure why he does that exactly but it works for him. I'm not really sure why I put it all out in this blog. I mean there are way more personal ways of doing it. But whatever, here I am.

The kids are doing ok. I will be having them here Tuesday and Wednesday. Jessie seems to be doing better than Nikki. Nikki concerns me a bit. She a thinker. I don't think she gets it yet, but then I don't think I get it either. We talk about it and I've been doing my best to help her understand but she's stubborn and if it's not 'her way' then it makes things difficult.

As for me, my life is getting......interesting. Complicated but interesting. But then those two seem to go hand in hand with me. It's all good though, I'm starting to see some light at the end of this tunnel. I hope to be able to be less cryptic later.

Bye.

2008-07-05T02:07:00.002-04:00

Sometimes a backyard fireworks show is better.

Aftershock

2008-06-30T00:43:00.004-04:00

I hope god is enjoying the little comedy of my life cause I'm amused.

First the good stuff. I had the girls this weekend. I picked them up at 6 on Friday and on the way home decided that we needed some groceries so we stopped at the store. The girls and I tend to act a bit insane in grocery stores. I'll race them down the aisles in the cart and all kinds of deviant activities. It's really fun to watch the expressions of the other shoppers as I tell Nikki that I don't know who she is and that she should fine her real parents. She starts cracking up saying "you're my real daddy" then she comes up to hug me and I push her away which makes her laugh even harder. Meanwhile I notice the other parents with children just ignoring their kids while they try to get their shopping done. But whatever, I love having the girls around while I shop. It makes things much more fun.

Took them to church yesterday. There is a part of the service called 'children's time' where the kids will go up to the front and Reverend Betty will have a little sermon for them. Jessie is usually the only child as Nikki will go with Mrs. Holly to the nursery. Jessie will not go to the front unless me or my wife goes with her. So yesterday we go to the front and Reverend Betty starts to talk and she asks Jessie a question. BIG MISTAKE. Jessie, my little talker, starts talking about a splinter in Nikki's foot and she just goes on and on but she's so cute that Reverend Betty doesn't interrupt her. And I look at the people and they're all cracking up. This goes on for 5 minutes of Jessie just blabbering. I have tears in my eyes cause I'm laughing trying not to laugh and as we walk back to our seats people are literally doubled over laughing. Last weekend people were actually clapping for her. It's too funny. So we get back to our seat and Jessie tells me that she has to go to the bathroom. I take her to the bathroom and she starts looking in the mirror. I ask her if she has to go potty and she says 'nope, I just want to look at myself." That's my baby.

After church I take the girls to the mall for lunch and to let them run around a bit. We walk by salon where the girl cuts my hair works. In my defense I would like to state that I have known her for over 6 years and the only reason I go to a hair salon is because that's where she works now. The girls see her and they start banging on the window and she waves to them. I think, 'you know, I could probably use a hair cut' so we go in to make an appointment. She comes up, says hi to the kids and says to me "you jinxed me, I just separated from my husband" and it felt like someone just kicked me in the stomach.

For a while there it felt like nothing had changed. The girls and I were out running around. We'd go home and mommy would be there and we would all be a family. Then to hear that a friend would soon be going through this very difficult process with a child who deserves better .....it's too hard to handle.

Night

The Dark Defender

2008-06-25T16:18:00.003-04:00

Last night/early this morning I hosted a Dexter marathon.

For those of you who don't know, Dexter is a Showtime series about a serial killer. The twist in this overused plot is that 1. Dexter works for a forensics lab in Miami and 2. He only kills killers.

The role of Dexter is played by Michael C. Hall. Hall is most noted for his role as the homosexual brother on 6 Feet Under (another show I loved). Dexter as a child was orphaned when his mother was chained sawed to death because she was a drug dealing snitch. Dexter was found by Harry (the cop to whom Dexter's mother was snitching) in a blood soaked cargo container. Harry then raised Dexter to become a killer. But as I said before, he only kills the killers who escaped legal punishment.

Watching Dexter try to balance a normal 9-5 life while moonlighting as serial killer who likes to hack up his victims is entertaining. I'm not a big fan of the dialog. With the exception of Dexter's sister and one us his forensic pals, I find the dialog to be dry and uninspired. However, the plot twists are exceptional. I thought for sure that Dexter was going to get busted in the season finale but a well written escape saved the day. I really love this show.

Anyway, I hadn't seen much of season 2 until last night where I watched the last 6 episodes and didn't get to bed till 5am. Add to this a 9am meeting today and another meeting tonight, I'll be dragging today.

But it was well worth it.

Willie Wonker (Don't Ask)

2008-06-23T03:00:00.002-04:00

It's 3am and I can't sleep. It may be more truthful to say that I don't want to wake up. The thought that I will wake up tomorrow and not hear the sounds of the girls is too much to handle.

2008-06-20T23:18:00.002-04:00

Who's Gonna Gimme Some Sugar Tonight?

2008-06-18T16:58:00.003-04:00

Happy birthday to me.

It was weird. I woke up this morning and it took me a while to remember that I have indeed turned 41. I like being 41 so far.

Personally I am in a very good place right now. I'm hoping to have the babies for a few hours tonight as it's my birthday and my wife has a party to go to. There has been a lot of good things going on this week. I'm feeling pretty positive right now.

However, I am growing more concerned about society and the world.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm a headline reader. I don't read the newspaper much but for the headlines. I'll read a bit more if something catches my eye but I've found that as a whole newspapers and television news is usually a bunch of the same old same. But hasn't something changed?

So I couldn't tell you much about who's killing whom, who's ripping off or who's getting ripped. I have no idea who's king of the world today or which school is grieving over the loss of their children. It just seems to me that the world has become a darker place over the last half year.

We look towards our leaders as to why we're spending our paychecks at the pumps and all they can do is shrug their shoulders and point their fingers. 3 years ago they blamed it on Katrina so what's the excuse now? There's still a war going on right? Have we won yet? Are we going to ever win?

Maybe there are no answers any more. Life is what it is.

Our leaders refuse to see further than their own life spans. Meanwhile we continue to ravage the planet like there is no tomorrow. And one day where just won't be.

Look towards the moon tonight. Trust me.

2008-06-15T21:56:00.001-04:00

I wanted to thank my soon to be ex wife. She allowed me to be with my children today. It was the best Fathers Day present that any man has ever received.

Sincere

2008-06-14T22:22:00.004-04:00

Tomorrow is going to be hard.

Dads are funny, well at least mine is anyway. He's old school. He doesn't 'get'' computers or Tivo or anything semi techi. He tries, I just think buttons confuse him. Watching him type an email is a study in patience.

The one thing I think I really learned from my father is that when someone needs help, you help. You do what you can for whomever you can no matter what. I'm not sure why he does it. I'm not sure why I do it but I feel obligated to help everyone, sometimes at the expense of my own time or personal enjoyment. I don't do it for the gratitude and I don't do it expecting that I can call in favors when needed. I just do.

He's here now helping me through all of this. I love him and I'm glad he's here but I worry about him. When our children are in pain we must do everything we can to take away the pain. I worry about him because I don't think he understands that this isn't a pain he can ease. Or maybe he does. But he's here and that's all that matters.

Fathers don't have to fly around in capes with a big 'F' on their chests to be supermen. Sometimes just being there is enough.

Nikki, Jessie sleep tight. I love you and I would be there with you if I could.

Happy Fathers Day

I am the Walrus

2008-06-12T19:15:00.004-04:00

For some reason God has decided that I should become 'Savior of the Turtles.'

We all know the story of Clem, my little painted turtle who found his way to my doorstep and is now living comfortably, and as far as I can tell happily, in his tank.

Last week while I was heading to the store I nearly ran over a box turtle. Luckily I was able to pull over, stop traffic and get him to the wooded area on the other side of the road.

Today, as I was turning into my community I found a fairly large snapping turtle who was about to make his way across the street. I pulled over and after giving the turtle a stick to chomp on, picked him up, placed him in the back of my Jeep, and drove him down to the water where I released him.

A few months ago the girls and I found another snapping turtle by the side of the road. and while the one I found today was the size of a dinner plate, the turtle the girls and I found had a shell the size of a hubcap. I picked that turtle up and held it outside the car window so the girls could get a look at it before taking it down to the woods. Nikki wanted to keep it as a pet so I had to explain to her the some turtles just don't make very good pets. Every once in a while Nikki will say 'remember when we found that turtle.'

Yeah, I remember.

Tomorrow

2008-06-11T12:50:00.000-04:00

Where ya gonna be tomorrow?
How ya gonna face the sorrow?
Where ya gonna be when you die?
'Cause nothing's gonna last forever
And things they change like the weather
They're gone in the blink of an eye

Just look at yourself, can you see where you are?
Look at yourself, now you can't hide the scars
Just look at yourself 'cause there's nowhere to go
And you know

Tomorrow
You're gonna have to live with the things you say
Tomorrow
You'll have to cross bridges that you burned today
Tomorrow...
And everything you do, it's coming back for you
You'll never outrun what waits for you
Tomorrow.

And are you terrified by sadness
And have you given into madness
You're running out of places to hide
'Cause everybody's got a reason
To justify how they're feelin'
Maybe you should open your eyes

Just look at yourself, do you like what you see?
Look at yourself, is this how it should be?
Just look at yourself, 'cause there's nowhere to go
And you'll know

Tomorrow
You're gonna have to live with the things you say
Tomorrow
You'll have to cross bridges that you burned today
Tomorrow...
And everything you do, it's coming back for you
You'll never outrun what waits for you
Tomorrow.

Are you waiting for the reason to change?
Are you waiting for the end, has it came?
Nothing's gonna stand in your way...

Just look at yourself, do you like what you see?
Look at yourself, is this how it should be?

Tomorrow - Sixx AM

2008-06-10T18:45:00.002-04:00

It's hard to describe what I feel, what I'm going through. I haven't seen my girls in 4 days. I could have never imagined anything would hurt so much. As much as I tell myself that they are ok and that she is taking care of them, it feels like they've died.

Things are worse now. I don't feel comfortable talking about it because now it's about the children. In the past if she wanted to take out her anger on me that was fine but now it's different. Things are worse and they probably won't be getting any better anytime soon. I don't know how I'm going to cope. I just know that I have to.

Night

2008-06-07T15:50:00.002-04:00

I find myself here again because this is all I got. This is all I know.

She called. She said that the kids were safe but she wouldn't tell me where they were until I signed the custody agreement I found in the mail today. Using my children as blackmail is beyond wrong.

The woman will do anything to get what she wants, even using her own children against their father. Now more then ever I believe that I need to do whatever I can to keep them with me as much as possible.

I guess it will be up to the courts now.

2008-06-07T10:48:00.001-04:00

Today I came home to find my house cleaned out and my wife and children gone....she took my babies.

I don't know what I'm going to do now.

Stroke Me (The Billy Squire Song You Perverts)

2008-06-07T00:51:00.003-04:00

So where was I??

Oh yeah, the feeling funky thing. Eh, been there done that. Got the bumper sticker.

I was talking with a friend tonight who has been feeling...down I guess. Most certainly there are things going on in her life to give her the blues. She's not currently in a relationship that she's 100% about but then besides Lola and Dylan and BWG who is??

I mean really, maybe it's just me but I don't think I've ever been with my "end of the world" girl. I'm not sure she exists. I guess I go around thinking maybe next time but the next time hasn't been it either. Ah well, maybe next time.

And now that my situation has changed dramatically since the last time I dated. I don't know if I will ever find my end of the world girl. It's not just about me now. I'm a daddy and there's a lot of weight that comes with the title. Hell, my dad knows it. His second wife was for me and my brother more than she was for him. It didn't work out at all because not only was she a pretty lifeless wife, she had the parenting skills of a chalkboard. But he did what he thought was best for us kids. He took the bullet.

So here I am, checking out the market (just window shopping really, can't afford to buy anything at the moment) and I seem to be drawn towards the 'would be a great mother' section. Nothing wrong with that really, just not...eh, I don't know.

The problem is that I screwed up the last time. The only reason I got married to my soon to be not, is because I thought she could be a decent mother. Or not, I don't know. I guess I now know what I don't want for my girls.

Look, the bottom line is to go with what your heart tells you. Our heads have no business being involved with these kinds of decisions regardless of what the 'safe' us wants to tell ourselves. Our heads can be fooled just as easily as any other part of our anatomy so maybe if we do get fooled in the end it should be at least somewhat tragic.

Night Guys

2008-06-04T17:48:00.002-04:00

....and you have those rare occasions when someone will get 4 songs.

Melissa

Melissa is the best. I learned to play almost every one of her songs up till Your Little Secret then she kinda lost me. Still one of the finest songwriters around.

Smiles

The Demons That You're Hiding From

2008-06-04T16:13:00.004-04:00

And the funky mood continues.

I'm not sure what's going on with me right now. Part of it may be the isolation. I haven't talked to an adult since Saturday afternoon. I kinda figured that would happen once school ended but I didn't expect these results.

There is something else that's going on that I can't talk about. I'm not even sure why I'm writing about something that I can't go into. This is going to suck for me but it's going to be a lot worse for the girls. It actually may be the action that forces me to do the last thing I wanted to have happen. Sorry for the 007 speak. I just wanted to get this down in case I need to come back to it later.

It's funny how the smallest little things become huge when your circumstances change. The idea that you're important to someone even when you're not with them. Like the idea that they may be thinking about you the exact same moment you're thinking of them. You change your shirt and you just know that they're changing their shirt also. When you look at a star and just know that they're looking at the same star. It's the little things. When you feel like you've lost the person who 'got' you and you can't seem to think about your next step because it's too hard to do alone, the little things kill.

Sorry, this isn't about what it might seem like. Trust me. Maybe someone reading this will get it.

I'll try to be more grounded next time.

R.I.P Bo Diddly

2008-06-04T00:45:00.004-04:00

I'm in a funky mood.

Life is weird. You expect certain things to happen or not happen and when they do or don't happen it can throw you off a bit. I'm thrown.

The thing is I can't think about all the stuff that's orbiting around me. I need to stay focused on the kids and what I think is in their best interest regardless of what other people do or say. Stay focused.

I took the kids to the river today. We live about a block away from Bear Neck Creek which is feed by the Chesapeake Bay. I like taking them down there in the summer when we need to get out of the house. Nikki likes to collect shells and feathers and whatnot. Jessie isn't much of a 'get dirty' girl. She hates sand, always has. Today she surprised me by jumping in the creek....clothes and all. Then Nikki jumped in and they just played and splashed around for a bit. It's nice to see them so happy. I love it when they are.

Called my folks just to check in. My dad wrote me this long letter last week all about the meaning of life. I feel so bad for him and my mom both. I just wish things were different. Divorce is bad enough for the two people going through it. It become hell when you throw in the kids, the grandparents, and everyone else. My dad did say something to me that I can't repeat here, and it was kinda offhanded so I don't even know if he remembers saying it. But if he does, and he's reading this....I will pops.

Night Guys

Come On Eileen

2008-06-02T22:12:00.001-04:00

Ok I admit it, I used to have the hots for Tatum O'Neal.

I think it started with her role in the Bad News Bears and it just blossomed from there. And now my dear, sweet Tatum has been busted for buying Crack. Ah well.

I was just about to write about how calm things have been around here. The wife had seemed to be relaxed maybe even depressed. So just when I think it's safe to go back into the water.......

She took the kids out to dinner and wound up at both her best friends house and her brothers house. When she got home, 1 1/2 hours past Jessies bedtime she was in major crank mode. I don't get it. She bought me dinner last night (McDonalds but still) and a piece of cake tonight. I don't get it. Or maybe I do and I should continue to play dumb.

ANYWAY.

I just received my first free lance writing "assignment". I must in 500 words or less describe the Tour de France as a non bike enthusiast for a biking website. I was hoping for something a bit easier like 'Nuclear Fusion for Dummies' but eh, it's a job.

I shall return...like herpes.

I look at my Daughter and I Believe

2008-06-02T18:27:00.002-04:00

Like I've said before, I'm not much of a religious person. I don't really think that there is a right or wrong way of thinking about life, death, or whatever happens afterwards. God or any Supreme being isn't about being the most popular. Jesus Christ vs Sri Vishnu vs Buddha, who wins? Is it the deity with the most followers? The one who's been worshipped the longest?

It's kind of arrogant for us to not allow for the possibility that 'our' God may not be the greatest or, for that matter, the only god.

I'm not knocking religion here, just saying that maybe it's ok to think outside of the box a little

...and a bug just flew up my nose. One sec......

Ok, back.

What I think may serve each of us better is to really dig deep inside of ourselves and follow our hearts path. Enough with the thinking and over analyzing everything. All the rules that make no sense. The one's we chose to follow while disregarding others. Maybe it isn't an all or nothing game.

For me, I believe in two things. Balance and respect.

Balance - For all the good in the world there is evil. For lightness there is twilight. A cosmic scale but also a scale within our own selves. We become reckless, depressed, despondent when we lose our internal balance. Finding and maintaining that center leads to a happier more fulfilling life.

Respect - The idea that within all living creatures is an energy that on a spiritual level is no more greater nor insignificant than our own. Many cultures including many American Indian tribes believed that even the animals they killed had souls. It was about respect that they would pray after a kill. We have evolved into a people who would rather not think about animals having souls. If we did then how could we justify the things we do. To them, and really to each other.

I recently tried to explain starlight to Nikki. About how the light we see in the sky is the dying evidence of a star long gone. She didn't grasp the concept but that's not surprising. She's only four. She then asked me if stars went to heaven when they died. I told her that stars where different than people in that stars don't have a soul. She said "Well in my heaven stars do go there"

Pretty deep little girl. Of course later she said "I like pepperoni, you know why? Because I like pepper and I like roni."

Peace

Merry Go Round

2008-06-01T01:03:00.001-04:00

Hey again.

Last night I went to the Arbonne's Detox party at Kristen's house. I must admitt that I had a great time. We did the whole wine/foot soak/girl talk thing and it was a blast. Luckily I wasn't the only guy there as Emily's father went. He and I spent most of the time on the back porch talking. Learned a couple new things about Jen. This chick (and I use term as a sign of affection) is the complete package. She's a dedicated mother and wife but she has this bad girl side that's just.....

The fact that she had no problem at all 'hulking out' in front of us guys was insane. The girl has it going on.

Although today at Emma's birthday party Jen totally ragged on me about the foot soak thing as she had left the party early and didn't get a chance to witness it. I was thinking about deducting some of the cool points she had received but eh...giving me crap about me soaking my feet is so her. So she gets a couple extra cool points. And for the record, my feet are all soft and smooth, thank you very much.

Ok, so today (although it will be yesterday by the time I post this) I took the girls to a birthday party for Emma, one of Nikki's school friends. I don't think I've ever been to a more organized, better planned kids party in my life. There was pizza and a couple of salads so it was easy for the kids to sit and eat quickly. There was a woman painting this kids faces which both Nik and Jess loved. There was a pinata which is kind of a must have I guess, and cake. We were in and out in less than two hours. I mean the kids were having such a good time and in turn made it easier for the parents. Time just flew by. I was having a great time and would have had no problem staying longer but this was nice. I hate long drawn out birthday parties.

I had invited the wife to come with us. Figured it would be good for the kids to see us out together but she was beat. It's the thought that counts right? I should get a couple cool points at least :P

Laters

Green Tinted 60's Mind

2008-05-30T01:06:00.002-04:00

Last night Nikki came to me and said, "Someday tree frogs will rule the world." WTH???

Stephanie, Nikki's teacher made a comment that Jessie was like me, carefree, happy and always smiling. She must have been talking about the inner me. She said that Nicole was more like her mother, moody and serious.

The thing is that I think Nikki is more like me. I know she's got my stubbornness. She's extremely creative and it seems like her mind is going 1,000 miles an hour all the time.

The one thing that we disagree on is the tree frog thing. Everyone knows that Garden Gnomes will soon be this planets Overlords.

Something weird has been happening with the kids lately. They're actually playing together. No really. I mean like sitting on the floor and interacting without hitting or being hit. The truly astonishing thing is that Nikki has initiated most of the encounters. Jessie will be sitting there all 'minding her own business' and whatnot playing with her dolls or Shrek toys (huge Shrek fan that one) and Nikki will come along and start playing with her. And Nikki plays by Jessie's rules which I find discomforting. Nikki is fine with Jessie leading the doll parties. It's giving me the heebies (actual word regardless of what my spellchecker is saying)

Nicole has always been a solitary creature. She draws or colors or builds her animal towers/parades (I'll post a pic so you can get it). When I go to pick her up from school if they're on the playground more often then not she'll be off by herself looking for bugs or dandelions. Occasionally she'll have Aiden or Rosalie in tow. That's the daddy in her.

So all this new sisterly bonding has me quite unnerved.

Clem update - The little turtle that could is still coulding. He comes right up and grabs worms out of my fingers. He doesn't swim around a whole lot but he has his moments where he'll go explore his surroundings. I am beginning to believe that he is in fact a she. I'm not sure I like the name Clementine though. We'll see.

I may have a job that pays actual cash money (unlike the whole raising two daughters thing). I submitted two of my blogs (Judgement Day and Little Drummer Boy) to a company that hires freelance writers. I got an email back saying that they like the style and that they would have a couple essays for me to work on within the next week or so. Kinda cool but my hopes aren't all sky high yet. We'll see when the check arrives :)

I'll be out late tomorrow night, don't wait up.

Bring Your Family Down to the River Side

2008-05-29T01:38:00.002-04:00

My wardrobe is a mess.

I mean seriously, my closet looks like it's shared by 4 different people and I don't know that I like any of their tastes.

So I grabbed a garbage bag and went to work.

First to go was anything that I've had for more then 10 years. I kept one really vulgar shirt that reads "Get a Job" I can't even begin to describe the picture on it as I try to keep this blog somewhere in the PG-13 range. No idea why I kept it. I guess I enjoy the shock value of it. You never know when you may need a good icebreaker.

Next on the list were all the cartoon shirts. I had a couple Taz shirts (love Da Taz) and a few others that I think I've outgrown. Eh, I probably haven't outgrown them but for the moment my head is in another place so out they went.

After that I was trying to get rid of much of stuff that the wife has given me over the years. I don't like wearing that stuff anymore. Makes me feel bad about everything and the last thing I need is to go around feeling bad because I'm wearing a shirt that reminds me of her. Not that I can forget really but I do get my moments of temporary amnesia when I'm in a place where things are much better. Best not to have silk boxers with red lips all over them to remind me that things aren't better.

Funny, I just lost the train for a moment. Crap.

Then I just threw out anything that looked too beat up or worn out. I had a nice heavy black cotton button up shirt that I loved but it's starting to age a bit. A really nice blue and creme stripped sweater where the blue bled all over the creme in the wash and it never looked the same after that. I still wore it but it just wasn't right.

Finally socks and underwear. A few of the socks had holes in them. Our dog Sampson likes to take them out of my dirty clothes pile and run around the backyard with them. Weird dog. Not too many underwear (no idea if underwear can be pluralized) but one or two where the elastic has seen better days. It's funny (not so much of the ha, ha kind) but they say that one of the signs that your mate is having an affair is if she/he goes out and buys new underwear (and no, I have no idea why I thought that was any kind of funny, ha, ha or otherwise)

All of this was the start of my clutter overhaul. I am a pack rat by nature. I own like 5 computers that I haven't powered up in forever. I don't even think they would. I have almost every birthday, valentines, christmas and anniversary card I've received in the last 25 years. Pieces of things that I don't have other pieces for. Tons of magazines of projects I had planned on doing or articles I planned on reading. I also have 3 fairly decent sized collections. One is a 7,000 piece comic book collection when I collected them as a kid. I have a nice collection of M&M items and I have a very nice collection of Taz stuff. It's usually pretty easy for people to buy me things for my birthday or whatever. Unique Taz or M&M stuff was always a winner for me. I'm probably going to trash most of the M&M stuff for pretty much the same reason I threw out those boxers. Still debating about Taz. Maybe I'll just box him up.

Part of this feels like I'm packing up to go somewhere. Not sure why it feels that way. Maybe my mind knows something and it's just not sharing with the rest of me.

I have a couple new things going on that I'll try to share with you all later.

Sleep tight.

One Lump or Two?

2008-05-28T15:39:00.002-04:00

Sorry for the pity party last night. I allowed a weird negative thought creep in and it threw me off my game. I'm back now cocked and loaded.

But I'm in the middle of a princess tea party/dinosaur safari so I gotta make this short.

This has been cracking the girls up all morning -

The Lion Sleeps Tonight

The wife is out tonight so I'll be in overtime daddy mode but I hope I can get a post on sometimes later tonight.

Smooches.

King Nothing

2008-05-28T01:55:00.001-04:00

Ok, so, before I start in on this topic I want to ask you all to do something. Think back to the last time you've felt either physically and or emotionally attached to someone else. I'm not talking about your kids or your friends. I talking about that special someone be it a boyfriend, wife or whomever. If it's been more than a week then there's a problem. More then 2 weeks? A very serious problem.

For me it's been over 8 months. Yes, I understand that my wife came to me with her divorce crap 5 months ago but I knew about the things she's doing way before then. And she knows that I know. Any physical connection was fundamental. Emotional connection, non existent.

I'm a very tactile person. I like touching. I like the feel of another persons skin against mine. The sensation of her heart pounding.

It isn't a sexual thing really. It is more then that. Sex is primitive. Gerbils have sex. I'm talking about true physical connection.

I am a living breathing, caring person who has been in a virtual deprivation chamber for too long. Hell even widowers would be taken to task by now.

Like I've said before and truly believe, this separation isn't about me, it only involves me. I am not damaged, nor broken. I am a good man regardless of what my wife and her minions want to believe.

So is it wrong for me to feel this way? I'm fighting to keep the things I truly care about while my wife strips them away day by day. Is it wrong to want something that's just mine, just for me?

Why do I feel bad for wanting this? Maybe because in some way it feels like a betrayal of my children. It feels like I'm in some way putting them second to my own needs.

Vic - You're my hardline support. Talk to me.

It's Only Wine Michael

2008-05-27T21:01:00.003-04:00

I feel like my soul is bleeding.

I don't know what's going on. I just need to write it down so I can take it apart later.

I haven't been sleeping well. Lately it's not that I can't sleep it's just that I'm fighting it.

I've been taking in a lot of peoples problems lately. I like the fact that people feel like they can come to me but maybe I'm overloading.

I want to go out right now. It's 9pm and I want to go to a bar with a million other lost boys and girls. But if I do I would wind up getting drunk and I don't know where I would wake up. Maybe that's what I need. Just find somebody to take pity on me and take me home like some scruffy, underweight dog.

Nikki is hovering. She senses somethings wrong with me. I smile but she's not buying it. She's too intuitive to be only 4 1/2 years old. This is going to crush her.

I know what I need but it ain't happening tonight. Maybe TEC can get me through till morning.

Tomorrow something is going to have to change.

2008-05-27T18:58:00.002-04:00

To Bubble Wrap Girl,

I am truly sorry about...

I don't have the words. There are none.

You are a very strong and I hope you're latest post can help bring you closer to peace.

-William

Can't You Say You Believe in Me

2008-05-27T13:26:00.002-04:00

A double standard refers to the treatment of one classification of people differently than other groups of people. - wikipedia

Imagine a married 45 year old man and father of two young children. His wife stays at home and raises the kids. The man is afforded all the freedom anyone could ask for. He comes home late, attends 'special' functions, all in the name of bettering his career and is never questioned by his wife.

One day the man announces he wants a divorce.

The woman is crushed. She asks about his plans for the children. "I'll get them a nanny" he says. The man becomes enraged when his wife tells him that she is not leaving her children or their home. The man then cuts off all financial support. The credit cards that the wife used to pay for food, home improvement items, activities for the children, medical bills for the family's pet are now solely her responsibility.

The husband becomes hostile. He starts to stay out later. He makes private phone calls. He makes snide comments about his wife in front of his children. He lies to friends and family in an attempt to alienate wife. He does everything to try to bully his wife out of her home and her rights.

So here's my question, is this man a hero or should he be tied to a stake?

I stared thinking about double standards as I was writing a piece about how Sex in the City is responsible for the corruption of our society. My struggle with this hypothesis is that 1. I believe that art in any form has a right to be and 2. It's not the art that is to be blamed but instead the masses and how they are influenced by it. Just because a 14 year robs a liquor store doesn't mean that his video games drove him to committing the crime. But we blame Grand Theft Auto because we are too weak as guardians to shoulder the responsibility.

But I digress...again.

The premise of Sex in the City is how a single woman and her 3 friends struggle through romantic relationships looking for that perfect man. The double standard comes into effect when we take a look as how the men of this show are portrayed. More often the not these men are chauvinistic womanizers who lack compassion and are often times just plain dumb. And it's always the mans fault when these women wake up with that weeks idiot in her bed as our heroine asks herself "why did I do that"

Ask yourselves, if this show were about four guys who go around using women like tissues then whining about they can't find true love, would we tune in every week or would this show be condemned as exploitation.

Give me one example of one show that portrays women as disposable, bungling idiots because I can give you at least 5 examples of shows that do this exact same thing to men.

And the thing that bothers me the most is how the viewers of this show grabs a cup, chugs down the poisoned Kool Aid and then gleefully asks for seconds. As the main character cheats on the one true good man in her life we are asked to feel sorry for her because....hmmmm, why should we feel sorry for her again? Here's your Kool Aid.

Sorry, this topic kinda bleeds into another topic that I wanted to address at some point. I originally used a bunch of these statements to support my position about how today's media is making it easy for society to reason away our unethical behavior. I may post that at sometime in the future. Who knows.

4 more days till the weekend everyone. Hang in there

Creed

2008-05-26T20:21:00.002-04:00

Just something I wanted to share. I drew this shortly after the 9/11 attacks. The original measures almost 3.5 feet by 1.5 feet. All of it hit me very hard and it's something I hope that we as a country never forgets.

Seasons Don't Fear the Reaper

2008-05-26T20:03:00.001-04:00

Another great day shot to hell by bullshit.

Edit - I just wrote a bunch of hateful and mean shit. I honestly wanted to post it all but I'm beginning to actually believe my own words. I am better than she is, my soul is purer, and I won't sink to her level.

But I probably will tomorrow :P

And to whomever is watching over me right now, thank you.

ANYWAY!!!!!!

Nikki and I had a fantastic day. My wife took Jessie out for some one on one time. Nikki wanted to get onto GW and play tag in the GH (no worries if you don't understand that code). But I had other plans. I got her in her bathing suit and took her to the river to rent a jetski.

Nikki was a bit intimidated at first. Being in a river and not a pool concerned her a bit because there were no edges to hang on to. Add the loudness of the jetski and she was a tad on the freakin' side. I got her on and we puttered out into the water.

After we got clear of the 6 mile an hour markers I gave it a little gas and I could feel Nikki tense up behind me. I killed the motor and asked her if she was ok. She said that she didn't want to go fast and I replied "I thought you were my little speed girl" She said "Oh yeah." and from that moment on I couldn't go fast enough for her. She was laughing and screaming "faster, faster." And she loved riding the wakes. I would catch some air and she would be laughing so hard that I though she was gonna fall off.

But the best times were when I stopped the engine and we just sat there and talked as I hung her over the side to splash in the water. She asked me why there weren't any fish and why the water was green. We pointed out all the houses on the river that we would want to live in. And we waved to other boaters as they passed by. God, she is so pure. Sometimes it's impossible for me to think that I took part in creating her.

And as we returned the jetski, and I put the rental fee on my already maxed out credit card, Nikki yelled to me from the edge of the water, "Daddy, this was the best day ever."

Awesome day.

I Am the Rain King

2008-05-26T01:41:00.003-04:00

Music is my religion.

In order of importance in my life

1. My children
2. My parents
3. My Sister In Law or music (depending on if my sis in law is being difficult at that moment)

The first real rock n roll record I ever owned was Hotel California by The Eagles. It was given to me on my birthday by one of my favoritest people in the world, my uncle Ed. He also bought me my first skateboard and convinced my parents to buy me my first electric guitar. "If the boy's gonna play then he should play loud" And I did Edward. Thank you.

To this day Hotel California is my favorite album. I've owned at least one copy of it in all it's media incarnations be it record, tape, cd, and now mp3.

My iTunes catalog consists of over 7,000 songs starting with A-ha 'Take Me On' and ending with 58's 'Queer'. My iPod is holding close to 5,000 songs and if I am not in my house then my iPod isn't either.

My favorite songs in no order except for the number 1 spot are -

Life in the Fast Lane - The Eagles
Bat Out of Hell - Meatloaf
Layla - Eric Clapton
You Shook Me All Night Long - AC/DC
Walk This Way - Aerosmith
La Grange - ZZ Top
Fire - Jimi Hendrix

Werewolves of London - Warren Zevon
Vienna - Billy Joel (First concert I went to. Thanks Dad)
Funeral for a Friend - Elton John

And of course, Toot, Toot, Chugga, Chigga, Big Red Car - The Wiggles

Jessies favorite song is Barracuda by Heart. Nikki's is (depending on her mood) Bleed it Out by Linkin Park or Crocodile Rock by Elton John. They both know most of the lyrics to these and a few others. Nikki's favorite band is Guns and Roses. Nikki can identify Axl Rose from a picture or by listening to him sing. And yes, I will take the blame for all of this. My children are among the coolest 4 and 3 year olds on the planet. And yes, my soon to be ex has made a few snide comments about all of this. But whatever. Until she can interpret the lyrics correctly, her comments hold little value to me. Some people may have been born in the 60's but that doesn't mean that they are experts on drug references in music.

My music has been the one thing in my life that has and will always be there. Every important person in my life has their own personally dedicated song. FYI, Mom yours is Nineteenth Nervous Breakdown by The Rolling Stones (can you remember why?). And Dad yours is King of the Road by Roger Miller.

More than half of the weird ass titles I give my blog posts come from the songs I'm listening to. Don't ask where the others came from cause I just don't know.

I owe my life to music. And that's the truth.

Happy Memorial Day everyone. For those about to rock, we salute you.

And Texasbabe there's your picture. Tit for tat one could say.

I'm a Cheap Date

2008-05-25T16:48:00.003-04:00

This is not the post I originally intended for today. The post you were supposed to be reading dealt with the one true Satan, Sarah Jessica Parker. HOWEVER, since tomorrow is Memorial Day and seeing as how a bunch of you all will be taking the day off from work I figured what better time then now to start fixing our lives, right?

Ok, I have received a few emails regarding this blog. Some from people I know and others who I don't but I guess that they can identify with what I'm writing. These emails share a common theme and it goes something like this -

Dear William,

Love your blog. I'm sorry that you are going through some tough times but you seem to be handling it well. As for me, my life is crap blah, blah, blah................

Keep up the writing.

Thanks,
Name Withheld

I am not making light of your problems with the 'Blah, blah, blah' and I'm truly glad that you are getting something out of reading my nonsense. So lets fix ourselves together.

I have been at the bottom. The truest, darkest place where I had never been before. A few days after my wife told me she wanted a divorce I found myself in my backyard in the rain, a bottle of pills in one hand and the phone in the other. My plan was to call my sister in law and tell her that by the time she got to my house I would be circling the drain and that she should take the kids and go. Instead I called a suicide prevention hotline and got help. Actually that isn't true, the hotline didn't help me at all. But I found myself laughing when the woman answered the phone and said this "Hello, my name is Joy, tell me what's going on."

Yes boys and girls, the fact that a woman named Joy worked at a suicide prevention hotline just cracked me up. And I never thought about ending myself again.

So here's what we're going to do. I will give you a list of things that I need you to really try to do as soon as possible. This is my list so it may not work for everyone but if you've actually sent ME and email about how much your life sucks then we need to try everything we can to fix it.

So here we go -

1. Go to the mirror and look into your own eyes for 3 minutes while doing nothing. When the three minutes are up say the following phrase to yourself while still looking in the mirror -

'Yesterday is done and gone. there is nothing that can be done to change the past and I must accept that'

Say this as many times as you need until you start believing
it.

2. Identify the one thing you dislike most about yourself and be honest about it. You know if you're fat. You know if you're bitchy. You know if you're a lazy slob. Be honest.

3. After you've identified the one thing you dislike most say the following.

"I am (fill in the blank)...so fucking what.

You are not at any point in your life to start making radical changes. But you need to know what it is you want to change so when you are strong enough you will have a idea of where to start.

4. Do something that you would NEVER normally do. Start up a conversation with stranger, hit on the Food Lion cashier, go to the mailbox in the nude, whatever. Just do something grand and totally out of character. You need to get the adrenaline pumping, your heart needs to race. And if what you decided to do didn't make you pee your pants a little (if you were wearing them) then try something else. You have to understand that it is possible for you to change. If you don't then you will never believe you can ever be in any place better then where you are now.

5. Reward yourself for doing that one thing. Eat something you know is bad for you, send yourself flowers, sit in the bathtub all day with a couple glasses of wine and a book. You deserve these things.

6. Identify why you are distressed. Many of us are out of sync because someone we know is or had treated us like crap. If this is where you are now I want you to go back to your mirror and say the following.

"I am a fucking moron for allowing that person to dictate the way I feel."

If you wanna be a healthy an eventually happy again you have to understand that it's not the other person tearing you apart. You are the one tearing you apart. Do not fool yourself into dumping this on anyone else because if you do you will never truly recover.

7. Lastly, drown yourself in something that will help you forget about you. Be it your children, a church, your friends, a sports team, or an online video game, submerge yourself in it totally and completely. Find a reason to be happy and continue to do it until you start to feel the change from negative thought into positive feelings.

Do these things. I promise you will feel so much better about life that some day all this despair will make you feel like an idiot.

And really lastly, if this helps you at all let me hear about it. Leave a comment or send me an email. The two things I am trying to drown myself in are my children and helping others. And I'm an egomaniac. :)

I love all of you, even if I've never met you.

...and smile damn it.

Playtime

2008-05-24T18:09:00.001-04:00

It's just 10am and I'm already an idiot.

After my usual Saturday am session with Eric I decided to go to Barnes & Noble for a cup of coffee, people watch, and get some writing done. I figured that I should probably use the bathroom as the coffee I had earlier was going to want to exit my body at some point. It would most certainly want to do this during some self important mid sentence ramble and cause the train to derail before I could pull into the life altering break through station. I don't know exactly how I ended up in the woman's room but I did appreciate the fact that the two women washing their hands and a healthy sense of humor.

I've been thinking a lot about the woman in my divorce care class. The same woman I bumped into at this very store last weekend. Her depression, her despair seems to be so great that she has given up the hope of a happy existence after divorce. I feel terrible for her.

It is near impossible for a healthy person not to feel that they were in some way responsible for their mates unhappiness and eventual departure from the relationship. Just as it difficult for the person initiating the separation to accept that the road to their happiness lies within themselves, we struggle to grasp this concept as well. And as the ones left behind it is extremely important to acknowledge this fact before we can expect to heal.

"Well, what's wrong with me?" Even if we haven't asked this question of our friends we most assuredly have thought it at some point. And you know, it's totally natural to feel that we did contribute to the other persons dissatisfaction with their lives. But within each of us lies the power to change. Some work towards this change in healthy, productive ways while others continue down their paths of self destruction.

My wife has and will blame everyone but herself for the sad events of her life. As far as I know from family and friends, she has to yet be able to truly connect to anyone in a romantic relationship. Maybe it's because she fears giving of herself and being vulnerable. Or maybe she has yet to come to terms with what she is really looking for in a relationship. Maybe the divorce of her own parents have left a few scars. Either way she continues to repeat her destructive actions. And in the end it is never her fault, it's always the other person. Well, I guess it helps her sleep at night.

And as I talk to my friend and listen to how hard she is taking all of this, part of me just wants to shake her until she sees the truth. But the fact is that no matter how much we want and try to help a person work through all of this, only they can take that first step.

And if any of this has helped any of you, please send a check to -

William Hoyt
910 Fortune Pl.
Edgewater, MD 21037

I also accept baked goods and pictures of your pets as payment for services rendered.

Caio

Stink Bugs

2008-05-22T18:46:00.002-04:00

Today was Nikki's last day at school. I'm going to miss the moms and dads who I got to know and I hope we're able to stay in touch over the summer.

The big 'year end event' consisted of a picnic. Most of the moms and a few of the fathers were there. Tony, who is Jen's husband, showed up. That was extremely cool. I didn't really get a chance to talk to him much during the year so this was a good thing. The original plan was that the parents would drop the kids off as usual and then come back an hour early for the picnic. Tony and I stayed the entire time. It could have been the kids, or the conversation but I know the reason we stayed was the Play Dough. If you haven't messed with that stuff in a while do yourself a favor and go buy a can.

My wife actually showed up for the picnic which was cool. I know the kids were glad to see her. I actually ordered her dinner (stuffed shells that she likes) when I ordered pizza for me and the girls tonight as a thank you. Wow, maybe I really am better. Eh, we'll see how tomorrow goes :P

Night guys

Burn Down the Mission

2008-05-22T15:06:00.001-04:00

Last night was one of those milestone nights.

I started going to a divorce group at my church when I first learned that someday I would find myself ......divorced. The class pointed out a few things that I had never considered when I thought about what my tomorrows would bring. For the most part I was a wreck and while I tried to gain all the insight I could, I found that all I could think about was where my life was at that moment and it wasn't good. So when my friend Jim told me that the class had started back up again I figured that I should give it another shot.

As I pulled into the church parking lot and got out of my car I saw Annie. She is a woman who I had met during the last set of classes. She has been coming to the classes to support a friend of hers. And when she saw me she practically screamed. She hurried over to me and gave me a big hug and then said, "what happened to you?" and I was all "?????." She then said,

"You look great! "

She asked if something had changed, if my situation had improved and I said yes and no. No, life at home is still a challenge but I feel better about everything. I'm actually looking forward to my life now.

I keep writing about how I have changed, about how I'm becoming more outgoing. And it's true. I don't know why, maybe it's the knowledge that I have to keep a strong network of friends for me and my children. But I'm the assertive one now. I want friends to go out and talk with. I want to be a source of strength for others which is something I find I can do very well now. This divorce isn't an end, it's a beginning. A beginning to a much better life.

I cannot tell you how fantastic I feel. A weird thing for me to say, even in the best of times.

The class itself was interesting. There were a few people who I met from the last session and a bunch of new people. I would like to at this point to remind everyone that it's been a while since I've um....ah, well it's been a while. There were two new women who I found interesting. And yes I know, divorce class in church isn't the place to be picking up women. And I really have no intention of actually doing any picking. It's just refreshing to know that when I do have intention, the crops are looking real ripe.

The topic of discussion this week was depression. Been there, done that. The mantra was you can't heal until you forgive. Ah well, I guess I will never truly heal then 'cause I sure as hell won't forgive. And I made that known. BIG MISTAKE. I got the whole 'The bible says this and the bible says that' so I amended my position and said "ok, fine, I'll forgive my wife for what she's done to me but there will never be any forgiveness for what she's doing to my children." And the room went silent. Then the woman leading the class picked up her bible and said "Be assured that god has a special plans for people who harm our children."

And I said "Well I hope it's the whole plague of locusts thing. That would be nice" And the whole room busted out laughing except for the really cute woman on my right.

Ah well, can't win 'em all. But I'll be winning enough........ someday.

......But at Night I Deal Death

2008-05-21T14:42:00.004-04:00

I'm an introvert.

That may not be the best way to describe my personality but it's probably the easiest way.

Anyone who knows me outside of my family would probably never use this word to define me. In groups of people I tend to either be a complete wallflower or insanely over the top. But left on my own I would rather not be around people.

I am a gamer.

In high school my best friend Jeff and I would head to the arcade during lunch and many times wouldn't make it back till last class.

Later in life my brother in law and I would burn entire days playing video NFL 2k 4-6 and Halo.

Games were a way for me to develop friendships.

When Nikki was born I found that I had a ton of free time between late night feedings. And taking care of Nikki and then later Jessie during the late night, early morning hours became pretty much my responsibility, This was partly due to the fact that I really wanted my wife to get a full nights sleep as she worked all day but also she is a complete grouch if she has to get up in the middle of the night. So I found myself staying up till 2am pretty much every night killing brain cell after brain cell in front of the tv.

Then one day a few months after Jessie was born I discovered Guild Wars.

Not to get too technical but Guild Wars is an online game (similar to World of Warcaft which some of you may have heard about). The simplest way to describe it is that your character goes on quests killing monsters and collecting gold, new weapons and armor. The backbone of the game is that you do all this with groups of other people. These groups are called guilds and every guild has it's own name, hall and capes. So this defines the game.

But the truly great thing about this, especially for me is that when you have the same group of people hanging out, sharing a common interest, you tend become friends.

As hard as it may be for those who haven't experienced this, the people I have met and played with online have been as close to me as anyone I have met face to face. I think the reason for this is pretty simple. Online you only have to care about someone if and when you want to.

Through my Guild I have become friends with people who live all over the world. I can get online right now and talk to people in Canada, Sweden, Mexico, The UK, Australia, Thailand, New York, Georgia, Washington, California, Illinois, Florida and a dozen other places. As a group of friends we have been each others support through divorces, births, deaths, illnesses of loved ones, lovers quarrels, graduations, and going off to fight in Iraq. Killing the big bads takes a back seat on most nights. We prefer telling dirty jokes and relaying all the cute things our children did that day.

My online friends have been a huge source of support through this separation/divorce. Most of the comments left on this blog are from them. 75% of the emails I receive are from them asking if I'm ok or if I need to talk. They are there for me because they care about me. I never thought that when I spent the $40 bucks to buy this game 3 years ago that it would give me so much. I would do anything for these people and I have no doubt that that would do the same for me and my girls.

TEC..... /bow

Counting Oranges

2008-05-21T00:28:00.001-04:00

It's raining again today making it 7 out of the last 8 days that we've been wet. I love a good day of rain, even two days is fine. But all this rain and clouds has been sapping me of my energy. Not good.

I am currently undertaking the task of getting all the pictures of my wife off of my computer. I'm just sick and tired of looking at those 'happy times' knowing what I know now. I would love to just trash them all but I won't. I figure the kids may want to see them some day. For now I just need to back them up and delete the originals. Of course for me to do this I have to actually look at them and it makes me a little sick. It's like, how much of the last 10 years has been a lie? Maybe I need to wait till the sun comes back out. If it ever does.

Nikki has one more day of school. Like I wrote before, I am trying to keep my network alive so that Nikki had some friends to play with over the summer. In the past we spent a bunch of time with my sister in law and her own kids but they are a bit older than Nikki and Jessie and while everyone loves everyone else, it's not the same as having friends your age to play with. In order to do this though I need to stay outside of my box and keep up with the moms and dads in Nikki's school.

And in other news -

Clem is doing well. He will take the worms I feed him from my fingers. He loves just hanging out and chillin'. I am however beginning to believe that Clem is actually Clementine. I may take him/her in to have this mystery solved tomorrow.

I'm pretty sure I have pneumonia. Meh, whatever. Been hacking for the last two weeks. I'll get over it.

Went to the gym for the first time in two weeks. I felt bad that I haven't gone in a while. I felt worse afterwards. Got to eight miles on the bike and my legs threw up the white flag. I did get all of the weight stuff done but I'm paying for it now. Body is all types of sore.

I fell of the Food Lion Girl wagon. I went 6 whole days without seeing her and then........ It's ok though. I think I'm over my crush. Just thought I'd share.

In case you didn't notice I changed the name of the blog to something a bit more original. I also changed some of the pics to the left ------>

Sleep tight everyone.

I Have Sand in My Undies

2008-05-20T01:49:00.002-04:00

Coming in at number 1 on this weeks 'thank god I have real friends' list was this email invite.

Dear William Hoyt,

You're Personally Invited...

You're personally invited to join (name withheld) for a luxurious spa retreat. Arbonne's SeaSource Detox Spa™ offers soothing marine botanicals to encourage relaxation and restoration. Deeply cleanse your body of the internal and external toxins that come to us through the air we breathe, the water we drink, the objects we touch and the food we eat. Set aside some time to pamper yourself from head to toe with an intensely purifying and rejuvenating spa journey.

Ok, Before you start in with the 'real men don't do Detox Spas' speech let me explain. This is a party given by one of the nursery school mothers as a relax and unwind get together. It's not about what the event is but rather I'm one of the girls.

But I'm accepted as a male, as a stay at home father, and as a friend. They all know what's going on in my life and I have never once felt that they questioned my dedication as a father or a husband. And when your wife is out for blood as much as mine is it would be an easy assumption for any of these women to make that I must have it coming to me, that I did something wrong. Be damned assured that if any of them thought that, this invite would never have come. Moms, real moms don't play.

This invite is such a big deal to me, I can't even begin to explain.

My last post felt strange. Was this truly how I feel? This whole new acceptance of what was really in my heart felt untested. And then she left the house.

It almost feels like she's trying to get to me, and I'm sure she is. When I came home at 4pm yesterday afternoon I knew to expect the usual from her. Once I got home I knew she was going to go out. And she did. She got on the phone and said "yeah, he's home now" then some whispering. And she was out the door. And I'll be the first to admit that in the past it did get to me. Not this time. I was glad she was gone. Hell, I almost said 'have a good time' as she left. It felt good.

Don't get me wrong, there is a very real sadness for me. We had a life together that is coming to an end. And moving forward I know things will be tough at times. But now I feel like I can breathe. The one weakness I had isn't there anymore. It feels good.

Today We Did the Impossible, and That Makes us Mighty

2008-05-19T09:26:00.003-04:00

I was wrong, no change that, I was lying to myself in believing that I would be willing to accept my wife back into this marriage if that was something she wanted. The truth is I wouldn't.

The truth is that she has lied, cheated, treated me like a criminal, mentally abused both me and my children, and has done everything in her power to push me out of my rights as a father and a man. I can't look at her now without being sickened by what she has become or maybe what she truly has been all along.

She got whatever it was she thought she wanted and then blamed everyone else when she woke up to find she still wasn't happy. She wants a new life now. She wants to be the party girl and be with whomever doing whatever. Meanwhile she has made me and our children the scapegoats for her unhappiness.

And you know, I should have been where I am now 4 months ago when she first said she wanted a divorce. I was in shock and scrambling to understand it when the only thing I needed to come to terms with was what day it was. 4 months ago when she said she wanted out was the 10th anniversary of the day we met. How cold and heartless does one person have to be to pick that day of all days to drop something like that on someone?

I ran into the woman who I met in my bible study class yesterday at a bookstore. I mentioned her in one of my earlier posts. She has the husband who has been using the threat of divorce to get whatever it is he wanted. We talked for a bit and she started crying. She said her husband has started with the divorce and he told her this (followed by a call from his hired mediator) on Mothers Day. And to top it off, their son is getting married in two weeks so she's going to be forced to be in the same room with this bastard for an eternity. It made me sick just trying to understand how anyone could be that twisted and hateful. Of course this just hit me in the middle of my forehead. I'm living that hell too.

I met with Eric (my therapist) Saturday morning and since I hadn't seen him in a couple of weeks we went over all the things that had been going on in my life. Afterwards he just looks at me and asks me what I could live with going forward. And I started in on my rehearsed lie.

"You know, I don't care if my wife and I could ever get back to happy. But I would do anything if we could keep the family together for the children. I would do anything, overlook anything that's happened and just get by if it meant the kids didn't have to go through a divorce."

And he just kind of looks at me, and I look out the window for a minute and then say,

'She's heartless and cruel. She has no regard for the happiness of our children. She's abusive and she flaunts her 'new life' around like she can't be touched. The thought of being around her much less ever touching her ever again makes me gag. And there is no way in hell I could ever forgive or forget what she's done. The idea of putting my kids through a divorce breaks my heart but the thought that I would never be with a woman who I can truly love and trust, someone who can help make me both a better father and man is unimaginable. And I will not teach my kids that it's ok to be someone's doormat. My wife will never truly be happy. Her 'crusade' for happiness, the one that keeps her moving from one situation to the next and then blaming everyone else because she's still not content, hurting whomever gets in her way, this is the last thing in the world that I want my children to view as normal. The lesser of the two evils is a divorce where afterwards my children will be raised in an environment of love and respect.'

It killed me to say that.

Look, you all are gonna believe what you wanna believe. Those of you who know me and who aren't blinded by some twisted sense of morality defending her actions know that I have done nothing to deserve this, and my kids sure as hell don't deserve it. Those who are defending her would be doing her a favor and urge her to get professional help and stop ignoring what her actions are doing to her kids and herself. Of course if you can really look at her and not see that she's in trouble then I can't offer anymore to you. She won't listen to me but she's falling apart and she needs help.

I've got children to raise,

Laters

Thunderbird

2008-05-19T01:26:00.001-04:00

They say.

They say that everything happens for a reason which I guess is a spiritual way of saying that for every action there is a reaction.

Take relationship for example. Think about what lead you to be where you were at the exact moment that the opprotunity to meet the one you are currently in love with came about.

For me to meet my current wife, my life had taken a lot of strange hiccups. Not to bore anyone but let's just say that it felt like it was meant to be. And I'm glad it did really. Regardless of how this is going to end, I'm glad all the actions and reactions took the right bounces.

And I'm actually at peace with it all, surprisingly. I deserve this. This is karma coming back around for all the crappy stuff I've done in the past. And as a true believer in reaping what you sow, I know I had this coming. The funny thing is that I had thought I was clear of the karma wheel. I had my wife and kids, how could karma get me. Karma, it would seem, has a long memory and a wicked right hook.

But going forward, the slate is clean.

In the last four months alone I have gained a confidence that has surprised me. I have done more things outside of my little box then I ever thought was possible. I'm not the guy who waits to be approached anymore. I am more outgoing now then I have ever been and I have made many new friends because of it. Honestly, 4 months ago I had no one I could call up and ask to go have coffee. I mean no one. Now, I know at least 6 people who would drop anything to out and do whatever. And while 6 isn't a huge number, it's a start and I have every intention on increasing that number.

And now I don't feel like I have to hide anything anymore. I am by my own admission and in the words of others, over the top. I don't have that filter that most people have. I say what I think and lets the chips fall. The thing is, if you're aware of it you second guess everything after the fact. Not a good way to live.

So take a look, this is who I am. And I'm not apologizing for it.

Yeah, Karma is claiming her due and that's fine. But we're back to even again.

And even is a fine place to be.

Night

Judgement Day

2008-05-18T17:57:00.002-04:00

Ok, let's start by pissing some people off.

There is no hell. That's right, I said it, there is no hell. Now if you all feel that you need the threat of an eternity of fire and brimstone so that you lead a nicer life then whatever. The god I believe in would never allow a hell to exist and he certainly wouldn't send us threats through the words of man to scare everyone into believing it. And no, I'm not just saying this knowing that if there was a hell I will probably be giving motivational speeches there soon.

Sermon over.

Class is now in session. Women, feel free to hang around and read this next part but it's not directed at you. I would be the last one to suggest that I know what's going on in a woman's mind. But guys, listen up.

What the hell is wrong with you all? Seriously.

This morning I woke up and rushed out of the house to get to bible study that I was already 45 minutes late for.

Now normally if I were this late I would have let it go and stayed in bed. But on Friday Jim, a guy that I am pretty close with and who is also in the class called me at home. I didn't get the message nor did I get a phone number to call him back because my wife erased the message and didn't write down a number. Jim is going through a weird divorce and I feel like I've been able to help him in a way because his wife is crazy. I've been there...Im crazy too.

So I get to class and the place is packed which is unusual. I wanted to just stand in the back but the woman running the class invited me to sit up front next to a woman I knew from my divorce class. I wasn't comfortable sitting next to her. I mean to say that she is way over the bar on the good looking chart and she makes me nervous. So I sit down and move my chair back so I can't make eye contact with her. I'm being a good boy. I do choke a bit at the end of the class where we rise, hold hands and say a prayer. And I will tell you all this right now...holding her hand felt good, and not in the 'sisterly, we're all god's children kinda way.' But I dismiss this as a simple reaction to me being denied any physical interaction with a female for way too long and I'm out the door before they can say 'amen'.

After the class I meet up with Jim and we discuss what's going on. He and his wife split up a year ago but they still get horizontal every once in a while. The wife is on medication and is seeing a therapist (see, I told you I could relate). Now if I were Jim I would stay away from her. I mean really, until she gets her own head together she's going to be bad news for him. And he's honest about it, but he loves her. I get that. At least he seems to understand the situation from all angles so I'm not worried for him too much. And just as we are about to say our goodbyes..above average hottie comes up to us.

Really god, is this a test, because you know I suck at tests.

So her, Jim and I talk for a bit and he excuses himself as he's late to go wherever god is whispering in his ear that he must go to just so god can see me squirm.

And then it's her and I.

I throw out all the small talk that comes to my mind as she's batting them away with as little to say on the subjects as possible. She's trying to steer the conversation into a direction I just don't wanna be steered into. But she asks the question, "So, what's going on with you and your wife"

And at that moment I hear god falling to the ground rolling on the floor in laughter.

I truly wanted to run very quickly to the doors and drive away but my legs weren't listening to my head at all. Apparently they agreed with god that this was all damn funny.

'No change' I say, 'we're still in the same situation as we were before.' And then she said 'well I remember how bad it was when I found out my husband was cheating on me.'

So I start cursing god hoping he would strike me down and end this but no, he was too busy laughing.

Then she said something interesting. She said that the idea that her husband was having sex with someone wasn't as hurtful as the idea that he was kissing this woman and telling her he loved her. And I thought that it was the opposite for me. Knowing that someone I loved was having sex with another guy would be far worse then the kissing and junk.

I wonder if this is an across the board difference between men and women. I just wanted to throw it out there as a topic for discussion. Which is worse, sexual or mental infidelity? I know both are hard to deal with but pick the harder of the two.

BUT ANYWAY!!!!!

What is up with you men who cheat on your wives? I know I am treading on thin ice as I've been bad too. So maybe this is me asking for help understanding why we do it.

The thing about me cheating was that it didn't take me long to figure out that there was something wrong in my current relationship so I left, but some of you guys just think you can have your cake an eat it too. And the ways you all get caught, email, phone messages...how can you all be that dumb?

And as I'm looking at this woman I'm trying to figure out what the hell was so bad about her that made her husband cheat. She's easily a General in the Army of the Hotties. She gave him kids. She's intelligent, well spoken and obviously goal orientated. So what was it?
My mind goes to the sex (cause it's been a while for me and I'm a man). Is this woman not so much the bedroom minx? Is the new woman that much better? What was the reason for putting your wife and kids through all the hurt?

Come on guys..whats the deal? Be honest and leave me some comments.

Peace

Walking Through Fire

2008-05-16T21:14:00.001-04:00

I found this video while surfing with the kids. There's just something about it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyB6T0YWYFU&feature=related

I received a few emails asking the same question about my wife and the divorce. Please understand that there are things that I just can't discuss here. As for why she's doing what she's doing you all need to read between the lines. She knows the reason for all of this and she knows that I know. This is all I can say about it.

So it's funny Jen, a friend of mine blogged today about bribing kids to help them through get the big life changes easier. Personally I'm all for bribery. I commented on her blog that there were somethings that I just expect my kids to do like eat what I tell them to eat or to play nice together (we're still working on this). But sometimes a little incentive isn't a bad thing.

I haven't been a great parent lately when it came to Nikki and her bedtime. Nikki is a night owl like her father. She wakes up in the morning shortly after 9am and if I let her, she would be up till 2am. And the girl doesn't nap in between. The thing is, I liked having her here with me while I did all my writing and whatever. But that's all over as of tonight. I talked to Nikki today and told her that she had to get back on schedule with the sleep thing and she suggested that I buy her this toy she saw on tv as a reward for going to bed early tonight. Got give her credit, she knows how to play the game.

I may go back into the dark tomorrow....after I go to the gym :(

Love

Little Black Heart

2008-05-16T15:00:00.002-04:00

I had a dream last night that I asked Zoe to marry me. Well almost.

I have a lot of very strange dreams. I think my head has problems processing the junk in my life so every once in a while it digs up crap just to throw a curve in my already curvy life.

Anyway in this dream I was on my way to Zoe's house when I found a little lost kitten in the street. I picked it up, put it in my coat pocket and continued on my way. She wasn't home when I got there so I left the kitten inside and left. I called her house a bit later and the kitten answered the phone. He said that Zoe got hit by a truck and that she was in the hospital. He said that no one was allowed to see her except for family. Then the kitten said "I'm hungry man so get your ass over here and feed me." On my way to get the talking cat I decided to write Zoe a letter but by the time I got to her house I couldn't understand anything I had wrote. The only word that I could make out was 'UTIL.' and that isn't even a word.

And then I woke up.

It rained again today which sucks. Jen from nursery school sent me an email about this cool park out in Virginia that would make Nikki go ape doo doo. Something to do next week I guess.

So since my plans got washed out for today I decided to build our 14 year old dog Blazer a ramp so that he wouldn't have to keep climbing up and down the stair when he needed to go potty. The dog belonged to my wife's first husband and after she dumped him she wound up keeping the dog. Blazer is pretty much blind and deaf and he had hip surgery a while back, Steps are tough on the guy so I built him a ramp.

I actually was thinking about buying him a ramp but those things cost around $150. Eh, I had the wood, the tools, and a bit of skill so I figured I could do it on my own. It actually came out kinda nice but as I wasn't so much concerned about the looks as I was the function of it I am pleased.

The cool thing about having dads, well having my dad anyway, is that he likes buying me tools when he's up here. One year he came up and we built a bar for the poolroom upstairs. Not so much 'we' as me. The we part involved a lot of drinking and talking about the project. By the time he left we had the base completed. He did buy me a really nice table saw so that was cool. Last year he bought me a table router. I have no idea why. I don't really use it but it's nice to know that if something needs routing, I'm the guy.

Later

Isn't it a Shame This Ain't the Movies

2008-05-16T01:29:00.002-04:00

Ok, what now?

As my regular readers know, my wife has pretty much cut off all financial support.

What does this mean exactly? Well here are some of the numbers.

The first number is the killer. 15k. This is what I currently owe in credit card bills. I have two credit cards that are in my name alone. I've had my CitiBank card for a while and when the balance got too high we (yes this was a joint decision between my wife and I) I got another card to at a lower rate and transferred the balance over. However as time went on the balances got jacked up again and now it's all about 15k worth of debt.

A not so funny little side note - My wife who was in charge of paying the bills didn't pay one of my credit cards in time and the interest rate got hiked. I find it odd that this happened right before she came to me with the divorce news.

I have about $250 worth of monthly doctors bills. This includes prescriptions, a psychiatrist and a therapist. Well, my impending divorce has but me a bit on the looney side. I need the psychaitrist for the pills and a therapist to do all the heavy lifting.

Funny side note - My therapist Eric was once our marriage counselor. I can not tell you how much better it is to talk to a therapist who actually knows the person you're talking about. The insight this man has given me is so worth the money paid. He keeps my on the sane side of crazy.

Gas is another big one. I have an old Jeep Grand Cherokee that drinks gas like it still costs $2 a gallon....the good old days.

The gym runs me about $45 a month. I could quit it and lord knows I would like to but as I'm paying out the butt to get my head back in the game it's nice to put a little care into the aging body as well.

Internet is about $40 a month. For the things that I use it for (this blog, music downloading, legal advice, and gaming) I could knock most of that out an get a dial up connection. But I keep it where it's at for Nicole. All you would have to see is the wonder in her eyes while watching a vid of a new born baby polar bear swimming with it's mother and the $40 is a non issue. I do this for her.

I spend money on the girls. I don't deny that I could spend less but whatever. Like I've said before, I'm not going to start denying the kids the little things because of all of this. I cut back on the stuff I would like for me. I feel better about it all that way.

It all adds up. And it truly sucks to be in this position but I have no choice. Well that's not really true is it I mean I could always accept the offer from my wife and her lawyer. You wanna hear about the offer? Oh, alright.

So I get a letter in the mail from her lawyer a few weeks ago with the following offer.

1. I must leave my house and find somewhere else to live.
2. She would give me $10,000 and $1,000 a month for 6 months
3. I would 'babysit' the kids from 8am till 6pm. After which I was expected to go get a night job.

I kid you not.

Of course I ripped it up and threw it in the trash. This is where garbage goes. And really, calling this letter garbage would be offending the good name of garbage.

And to put icing all over this crap cake, that afternoon I was to interview another lawyer. We talked on the phone for a bit and I mentioned the offer. He asked me to dig it out of the trash and to tell him exactly what it said. So after doing that (taping the pieces back together) I read him the offer word for word.
And he says.

"I am so sorry I wasted your time having you put that letter back together" he then said "I could charge you $500 to send a response but really, your first response was the right one"

So in the trash it went....again.

Not to get sidetracked (oh who am I kidding, I'm all about sidetracking) this lawyer was a total trip. Just a funny, nice guy.

We were talking about adultery (I'm not saying this has anything to do with anything) and he started going on about how the courts judge whether there has been adultery. It's all about inclination and opportunity. He started talking about private investigators and all the tricks they use. (oddly scotch tape is a big PI tool)

And I ask him (again, this has nothing to do with anything...I'm just saying)

"What if you have an email where both parties comment about an adulterous rendezvous after the fact. Is that enough to prove adultery?" He laughed and said that in his 25 years of practicing he has never heard that question asked before. Cool, I'm unique.

I called him again just last week to discuss another wacky William idea. Yes, he is on retainer and I want him to work for his money. I asked "Since my wife and I agreed to me staying home and her providing for us financially, and since I have kept up my end while she obviously has not, could I sue for breach of contract." And he starts laughing he says it's an interesting idea but that it's almost impossible if not impossible to sue ones spouse.

It's alright though. Tonight I have come up with the most brilliant plan of how I can raise money. It'll piss someone off, I'll probably spend a few hours in jail if not a stern talking to by the Crofton MD Police, but I have no doubt that If Albert Einstein were alive today he would be highfiving me this very minute. It's that brilliant...well I mean up until the whole 'going to jail' thing

So, so evil yet funny. Two great tastes that taste great together.

The two things my lawyer always says as we hang up are

1. Never leave your home.
2. If you get a job you will be weakening your chances regarding custody.

It's like some kind of legal divorce mantra. One which I will be having tattooed on my left butt cheek, because of course on my right butt cheek there is a tattoo of a small, fat leprechaun.....but that's another story.

Much love, mas tequila

Kid Charlemagne

2008-05-15T18:19:00.002-04:00

The moms and I don't really talk a lot about the divorce.

Stephanie and I talk about it a little more. You can just tell by the way she looks at me when we do talk about it that she is really concerned about the girls. She's known them both for 2 years and I know she cares a great deal about them.

I talk to Stacey l but she's pretty much gone for the rest of the school year. Jen and I communicate though the blog. And it's so funny if the topic is brought up amongst the group, Jen just smiles and shakes her head. She knows too much :P And Jen cares about the girls. You can just tell by the way she talks and listens to all the kids that she really cares.

But like I said, we don't really talk about it too much. Today we did.

Stephanie asked if the kids were aware of it and I replied no. I don't think they are honestly. My wife comes home between 6 and 7pm and recently she's been coming home much later. On the weekends she takes them out of the house and does whatever. So we really don't have a bunch of time together. I've been watching the kids very closely, looking for the signs that they're stressed and I haven't seen anything yet. If I did think they were being affected then I would have to make some other moves.

Then one of the moms asked a question that no one has really ever asked out loud.

She asked, "Would you accept her back if she wanted it?"

Yes, I would in a heartbeat.

But I wouldn't do it for anyone else but our children.

Our marriage is dead. She's done so many things that I didn't think she would ever do, things that she herself said she wasn't capable of. She's tainted, polluted now. I don't think I could ever get past it.

But I would give up on everything that I could ever have. Give up any chance of anything normal and good in my life if it meant that I could get the children out of this house without damaging them with a divorce.

I would sacrifice everything, do anything.

Not that it's going to happen. Not everyone feels the way I do.

The nice thing was that by looking at the women there, I felt like they knew exactly how I felt and they would do the same. I just pray to god that they never get asked that question.

The Girl Gets Around

2008-05-15T16:10:00.003-04:00

My parents were one of the families that got wiped out when Katrina hit Mississippi. They live close to the coast and the swell that flooded their home wiped out almost everything they had. I drove down to help clean up and the one thing that has always stuck in my head was the it was one thing to see pictures on tv and a completely different experience to be standing right in the middle of it. You saw all the wreckage and your first instinct was to call it all a wash and move away. There was too much damage, it was all just too much.

The house just two door down from my parents was gone. The entire house....just gone. There was a concrete slab with a few pipes sticking out and that was it. And I looked at it I thought 'How lucky are these people were. It was the ones who had to wake up every morning and find that it wasn't all just some kind of bad dream who were the ones living in hell. The ones who had to pick through the garbage that was once everything they owned, they were the people I felt sorry for. And two of these people were my parents.

We spent days just trying to salvage what we could and clearing away what we couldn't. But the one thing that everyone took great care to try to save were the pictures. It was like finding gold whenever you found a picture that had survived. The things, that unlike almost everything else could never be replaced.

So here's the preachy part. Think about what you would really miss if you woke up and your entire house was gone. It wouldn't be you 52" tv's or your clothes it would be the pictures. How many memories could be wiped away with one flood or fire.

I know you all have thought about backing up your pictures, especially in today's world where everything is digital. But you have to stop putting it off and just do it. Then buy a scanner, even if you can only afford a cheap one and take all your hard copy pictures and scan them. Take all that data, all those memories get a removable harddrive or buy a stack of dvd's/cd's and back it all up. Then take all of this and go to a bank and open a security box to store them in. Or at the very least take them to your parents or friends house just so you have a copy of everything somewhere else. Trust me, I've seen what the loss of pictures can do to people.

And another thing, if you don't have Wills drawn up that give instructions on how you want your children taken care of in case you die, take care of that soon.

We don't want to think of these things but bad things do happen and these bad things don't care if you're prepared or not.

Spiderman

2008-05-15T12:41:00.002-04:00

Day 2 of my Twelve Step Program to forget about Food Lion Girl.

First I have to admit that I have a problem.

But I don't have a problem, really. Yes I did just spend 45 minutes yesterday going through our cupboards and freezer looking for any excuse to go to the store. And sure, every woman I see I imagine in khaki pants and a blue polo shirt. And ok, so there is some strange voice in my head screaming 'Clean up on aisle 4' over and over again.

But really, I don't have a problem. I can quit anytime I want.

Three more days of school left.

I haven't been really good at networking with the other parents. This is due in part to the fact that I just still feel like an outsider. I don't feel like I have a lot in common with them. But a really big part of why I have this problem is that most of the parents who I interact with at Nikki's school are women and I'm not. And unfortunately there will always be a a tension.

I will be the first to admit that in the privacy of my own head there are a couple moms in Nikki's school who I feel all kinds of tingly about. I think that's ok. But they are married and they have kids. There is no way in hades that I would ever do anything that would give them any reason to think of me as anything but Nikkis daddy. And while I would be alright with setting up a play date for our kids, and they would be ok with it, I'm not sure their husbands would be ok. And I wouldn't blame them. There are plenty of scummy guys who don't care who they hurt as long as they get what they want and every man knows that.

Luckily Stacey, who is the mother of Nikkis best friend Rosalie is one of the mothers I can hang out with. I have a good relationship with her husband Shane, as we have been out drinking and we see each other at the gym all the time. The big thing for me will be to set up the play dates and follow up on plans. I am also hoping we can spend an afternoon or two with Aiden.

We also have my sister in law and her kids to hang with. Last year we went to the pool with them a lot and it's something that both NIkki and Jessie enjoy. Jessie was a little scared of the water last year but hopefully she'll be better this time around. The really great thing is that my sister in law loves the kids to death and she is very active with them. She has really been my best friend through everything.

Ok, a couple of parting notes.

First, I have a bunch of stuff written but they are all in different stages of completion. My head has been bouncing back and forth between events and it's been difficult to stay on track to the end. I may need to slow down a bit and I may skip a day or two here and there.

Second, Robert who has been emailing me about his stuff and my stuff wrote me yesterday saying that the paternity tests came back on Tuesday and he is indeed the father. This is great news. He now has a shot at getting some kind of custody.

And lastly two questions asked by Nikki in the last couple weeks that I must relay.

1. Do ferrets fart?
2. Is he called Iron Man because he irons things.

Bye for now

Youneedanotherloverlikeyouneedaholeinyourhead

2008-05-14T02:46:00.000-04:00

So last Friday my wife had made an appointment to get the girls hair cut. Sherry, the woman who cuts the girls hair is a childhood friend of my wife's. I didn't know if my wife had said anything to her about the separation/divorce so I didn't know what level of tension to expect.

So we get there and Sherry is finishing up with another woman. Sherry is in her early 40's I would guess and this woman is late 40's early 50's. Sherry has this really cute little body that makes a man's mind wander. And it doesn't help me at all that she wears these low cut shirts. To make matters worse, to cut my girls hair she has to do a lot of bending over in front of me. That's just a burden I find strength to bear. The problem is that her cleavage puts me in this weird, um.....playful space. And it's not usually a real problem unless there is another woman in the room because I would never hit on Sherry.

Sherry and this lady are talking about this date the woman has that night and about how the rain is gonna reek havoc on her hair. And from somewhere out of nowhere I say,

"Well, on the list of what guys really care about, hair is kinda down at the bottom."

And they both crack up. They're laughing so I decide to push a little further and say,

"I mean the only concern we really have about hair is how it will look the next morning."

And I still have them laughing. Their getting all blushy and whatever and so on instinct I go a bit further. Meanwhile they play all shocked and innocent.

"I'm sure Sherry is well worth the money you're paying her but I can guarantee that for half the cost you could go out, buy the right shirt and make a real impression."

And this isn't really me talking. I guess I was in this zone and I was having fun. But here's this guy with his two daughters laying down some fairly risque lines and it was working. I just wanted a reaction and I got exactly that. And to top it off, the final line that would decide the game. As she bent over right beside me to pick up her purse I said,

"Oh that shirt would work just fine."

She stutters, she blushes. He shoots, he scores...nothing but net.

The thing is that I am different now. Yes, I could lay those lines out there before and depending on the looks I was getting, know what my next line should be. I'm good at that. But now, I'm fearless. Now I play my games because it's fun and I'm not looking for anything but a blush and a smile. I thought I may be a little rusty. But it doesn't look like I am.

Tonight I went to Food Lion again. Hey, we needed sugar :P

My crush is turning into infatuation. Just something about that girl.....anyway. After Food Lion I decided to go by one of the many bars for a drink. I have only been in two of the 8 bars in the area. I'm not a big bar guy. I had enough when I worked in them.

As I was walking in, this really, really cute girl walks right behind me so I hold the door open for her and we caught eyes for a couple too many seconds. Yeah I know, I'm sure I had a booger in my nose or something. I sit at the bar, she sits two stools to my left and we exchange a few glances as I drink my LIT. She gets up to go to the bathroom and I hand the bartender a few bucks and ask him to buy the lady her next drink.

And I leave.

I get in the Jeep, grab my iPod and search for Prince - Raspberry Beret. I turn the stereo up loud. As I'm pulling out of the parking lot I see the girl at the door looking for, I hope, me. She sees me...or more likely hears me and I just smile and drive off.

Sometimes it's better not knowing.

And as I sit here and write this I'm thinking about how much that girl looked like FLG. I'm sitting here crushin'.

Night

Don't You Just Wish.........

2008-05-13T20:52:00.004-04:00

Sometimes I wish my life were a cartoon, then I could give my wife an anvil and push her off a cliff.

See, I really wanted to write about something cheerful like drug addictions but my wife had to act like a ......and now I'm pissed. She says something evil in front of the girls about me not cleaning the bathtub after their last bath and then she tells Nikki that she's not use to having any rules, as if I don't discipline my children. Truth is they don't listen to her but oddly enough they will listen to me.

So I tell her that she will stop making condescending comments about me or the way I raise them in front of them, and she gives me that stupid looking 'what are you going to do about it' look of hers and I start looking around for an anvil.

"Yes Judge, my wife has shown through her actions that she is a positive influence on our children. I'm sure she would never do anything to turn them against me. And you know what, if she's too busy to raise them maybe we could wait till Charles Manson gets paroled"

This is insane. She cares nothing about what she's doing to them. All her hate has made her blind to the harm she is causing. And hell, the only person she has to hate is herself.

But that's ok, really. Those of you who are so behind her, comforting her when she plays the victim, telling her that it's ok to do these things. All the while two innocent little girls get to pay for it. Real nice. It would take three words from one person (and I know you are reading this) and she would stop. But whatever right? Who cares about the girls. Well sleep tight tonight and when you go to church this Sunday acting all holy and upstanding...well two words come to mind. God and bitchslap.

So I say 'Go ahead and smile but when you come home tomorrow night (she has one of her 'meetings') .... you know, let's not get the lawyer too excited today. Lets just say that this house is full of items, both hers and mine. Who knows what will be where when she gets home.

And she knows it. She can't look me in the eye because she knows what I am willing to do to keep her poison out of my children. And she knows damn well that I know what to do to make her life uncomfortable. I guess she just needs to be reminded. But whatever...

You know, I feel like I may do some yard work tomorrow. There's this annoying Japanese Maple tree that is just bugging me. Maybe I'll do some pruning. Ya but see, then if I start there I don't know where I would stop. I mean I feel bad that I stopped mowing the lawn and now she has to hire a service to do it. I should do SOME yardwork. But I am expecting to have a very busy day tomorrow I mean it is Wednesday and I hate Wednesdays.

Wednesdays make me want to turn on all the lights, run the washer and dyer non stop, turn the oven on to broil just 'cause. Open all the windows and depending on the weather keep the furnace or the air conditioner on full blast all day. I mean I feel bad because our utility bill is already pretty high...oh wait, my bad I said 'our' I meant the utility bill that is in her name only.

Eh, who knows. I guess I'll see how I feel when I wake up tomorrow.

So here's the deal wifey, you stay away from my children and I'll stay away from your wallet. I mean really, we all know which is more important to you don't we.

Shopping Cart Jesus

2008-05-13T15:24:00.003-04:00

The really unique, cool thing about IVF is that the doctor can take a picture of your baby(ies) before they are placed into the womb. I've always thought that the 4 celled one (top left) was NIkki. No idea why.

I'm toast today. And not the warm, buttery kind. Maybe I'll write some tonight.

C YA

William Christopher I Love You

2008-05-13T01:43:00.002-04:00

And even as I write about all the evil crap my wife does, my head is making excuses for her. The truth is that I've been right where she is and she knows it. I made the wrong decisions, I destroyed what was probably the best relationship I've ever known and I will forever regret it.

K, so here's the deal. I'll talk about Kathy just this once and I'll never discuss anything about it again. I was such a bad person and I hurt a truly good woman.

Kathy was my first wife. Kathy was probably the most pure, honest, and caring person I have ever met. And I was a stupid little boy who had no idea how to deal with life.

I met her while I was the chef at a restaurant in Virginia and she was a cocktail waitress. She just seemed so...sweet. She would come into the kitchen completely clueless about the food and I spent a lot of time talking to her. I remember hanging out in the restaurant after working 12 hour shifts just so I could watch her..be around her. But of course with my life nothing came without a hitch. And the hitch here was that she was married.

I know, I know...

But when I say that this guy was an ass, I mean he truly was. First things first, he was bitter. He was the guitarist for a local band called Scream. The same band that Dave Grohl played drums for. Dave went on to Nirvana and then Foo Fighters. Robert, her husband went pretty much nowhere. He was a bitter, bitter person. He treated his wife like crap. He was both physically and mentally abusive. He would make her walk home from work at 2am while he did his drugs or whatever. He had no job because he was a 'rockstar. He was just full of hate. But hey, if he wasn't going to drive her home, well I knew someone who would. And so it began.

One night he was in the bar with some friends and she was working. I was also in the bar having my usual after work drinks. She had gone over to him and he screamed something. And as she walked away I grabbed her hand, went over to the dj who was a good friend of mine and asked him to play a song. The place went quiet as the currently playing song was abruptly ended. I took her to the dance floor as the song 'I Remember You' by Skid Row started and we danced.

To say she was freaking out would be an understatement. Robert was a tall skinny guy, I wasn't too impressed. He had a couple friends with him and they would have been a problem. She said to me that she didn't want to start anything, she didn't want me hurt and I reminded her that I had 5 guys in the kitchen who had my back if it came to that. I also had the eye of our bartender Guy (that was his name I swear to god) and Guy was a big, solid man. I was in no danger at all. Robert watched us for about 45 seconds and then he walked out the door.

And that was that. We fell in love, we got married. Life was perfect.

Perfect until things weren't perfect.

Kathy quit her well paying job to go back to teaching and my new job as an office manager was just starting so we weren't making a lot of money. Then a few moths later she changed jobs again to go work at The Nature Conservancey. And this just sucks so much to write.........FUCK!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, i have to write this and I'm fucking crying.......

We decide we want to start a family and so ..,;''

We want to have a baby and Kathy gets pregnant. And it was such an incredible.....

The fetus dies

And we have to go in to the hospital to have a DNC. It's where they basicy clean out the dead fetus. And I fall apart... I try to be strong for her....=

'We'll try again' I say 'It'll be ok....we'll try again.' And we try again and she gets pregnant again and once again the fetus....NO FUCK!!!!@!!! THE FUCKING BABY DIES

I'm sorry, I should stop but I dont want to. I'm not going to stop.

And so we have another DNC. I fuking want a funeral for my dead baby and they just throw it away.

Bottom line, I start drinking and fall apart. I wind up in the hospital after being found passed out in the bathroom at work. I had stopped eating and my body stopped caring.

And we stop trying. She has a great support network of friends but she's just so far gone. I feel like I have to be strong meanwhile I feel like I'm dying with no one to to care for me.

And then another woman comes along and I gave in...gave up...

One day Kathy sends me an email at work. "Do you want a divorce?"

Hell no, I love you....I'm sorry, I want to be strong for us. You are my life.

I typed YES and hit send. And that was that

I'm not going to reread this or check for typos or misspelling. And I will never read it again. I'm sorry.

William Christopher Hoyt....that was to be my sons name.

I'm Still Cookie Dough

2008-05-12T20:53:00.002-04:00

ACK!!! I feel kind of bad about the last post. I really don't want to turn this into a name calling blog. There's enough of that in the world. I guess I just wanted to point out that my wife's entire cheering section is made up of ...let's just say, people of less then stellar values and they are influencing my wife. Maybe I should edit or delete the post. I'll sleep on it first.

Ok, I'm totally crushing on the Food Lion girl.

A while back one of the check out girls at my local supermarket was really nice and discounted a plastic Hanna Montana cup I wanted to buy for Jessie. I took the girls with me one time, she was working and she really enjoyed talking to them. Tonight I needed Pepsi and oranges and while I only had two items I waited in her line just to talk to her. She asked where the girls were and I showed her the present I bought for Jessie (Jessie went poopie on the potty all by herself today). She is way too cute, way too nice, and way out of my league :P

As I was out buying oranges and Bratz Dolls listening to the iPod, a song came on that reminded me of an old flame. I began thinking about how all the special women in my life have their own songs. The list is as follows

Rebecca - Take the Long Way Home/Supertramp
Kelly - Happy Birthday Baby/Jay Ferguson
Julie - Patience/Guns and Roses
Kathy - I Remember You/Skid Row
Zoe - Things Left Behind/Once Hush
My Wife - Tears in Heaven/Eric Clapton

I think I'm gonna give Food Lion Girl - Hot in Herre/Nelly. Not like she's ever gonna be anything other then Food Lion Girl but eh, I'm crushin' tonight.

Love ya

FYI - No Food Lion Girls were harmed in the writing of this post. I have a crush, that's all. I would never purposely bring my girls around anyone who I thought I would ever attempt to go after. I know how to be a good parent.

I Wanna be a Cowboy, Baby

2008-05-11T18:37:00.003-04:00

Today I feel broken.

Today I had to confront my wife about the damage she has been inflicting on our children.

Today I had to remind her that I have a very dark and evil part of me and if she didn't stop taking her anger out on the girls I would open the evil up to her and her world would become very different, very fast.

Today I did the one thing I hoped I wouldn't have to do. I gave my wife a real reason to fear me.

Today I feel broken.

My wife got back from church and said that she needed to go see her mother. No problem. She then tried to hand me two free tickets to the circus and said that if I wanted to take the girls, she would fund it. She said it like she was throwing me a table scrap that I should be thankful for .......AND I LOST IT!!!

I spent last night comforting my child who expected her mother to be home meanwhile her mother was at some party and didn't come home till 2:30am. I'm tired, I'm sick, and I have the shakes from some Ambien side effect. And I should feel grateful that you would pay so your children can go to the circus?

I'm sorry but go to hell.

I finally reached the end. I've taken every bad thing she has thrown at me and my children. I was wrong in doing it. I was a bad parent.

When we discipline our children it's not because they did something bad. We discipline them so they won't do it again. My wife is not a child but when she acts like one then I need to act like the parent.

So today I told my wife this. "Somehow you have forgotten how much I can hurt a person if I really want to." Then I told her two things.

EDIT- On second thought writing what I told my wife could get her lawyer a little too excited. I'm sure I've done that enough already.

And that was it. I mean sure there was a a lot of blah, blah, BS. She gets this stupid smirk when she thinks she knows more then me or if she thinks she can bluff me with it. I went outside, she followed. I told her to just get out of my house and I'll take care of the girls. She says it's not my house and I come back with 'well half of it is.' This pisses her off. So she decides to take the girls and leave. I will never tell her that she can't take the girls and I can only hope she's at least trying to be a thoughtful mother with them today and not parading other men around them.

And if she does at least try to be a thoughtful mother today then it truly will be a Happy Mother's Day.

But the day was still young and a bunch of interesting stuff was yet to happen. I'll write when the house is quite again.

Intermission

2008-05-11T11:21:00.003-04:00

I woke up this morning shaking.

I don't know if it's the Ambien. I don't know if it's the cold I thought I was over coming back with a vengeance. I don't know if it's the 4 hours of sleep I just got but I'm shaking.

I've lost control of my life. I gave it to a mad woman who has no problem tearing me down. She's stronger then I am. She's stronger because she doesn't care who she hurts while I have two little babies I need to protect because the mad woman has hurt them and she'll do it again without blinking. I may lose this because I care and the mad woman doesn't.

At 6am I woke up with one thought, today I'm going to go out and find a woman just as lost as I am and we're going to spend the afternoon abusing each other mentally and physically. And we just won't give a shit for 6 or 7 hours. And I sat up with the clarity of conviction. The junkie is back and he needs a fix, bad. It's so easy to lie to yourself when all you care about is the score.

And I am so fucking good at getting the women who don't give a damn about me. Sometimes I feel so corrupted that I'm actually able to justify the evil I feel inside of me. Sometimes it's ok to hurt and be hurt.

But at 6:01am I opened my eyes and to my right was Nikki, curled up around the teddy bear I bought her when she was in the hospital after she cut open her foot. To my left with her thumb in her mouth was Jessie. There we were, the three of us on a pull out couch and I could feel my soul break.

I will not become the monster again. The one who needs to feed a never ending hunger looking for something it will never find. I am so much better then that now.

Or at least that's what I want to believe.

The moment I held Nicole I was forgiven for every bad thing I had ever done. She was my redemption. To fall back into the hell her birth pulled me from would be the one sin I could never be forgiven of.

I need the touch, the love of a good caring woman. I need to fall at the feet of an angel and be able to fall apart with no fear. I'm not damaged, no matter what any of you may think. This wasn't my fault. I am a good husband and father. And you people who now turn their backs on me, the same people who only 4 months ago embraced me as a friend, can go fuck yourselves. I am stronger then you can possibly imagine and I swear I will find a beautiful, caring woman who loves me, truly and honestly. And she will be such an incredible mother that the difference will be blinding. And all you who are so willing to hurt me and my children in the name of filth will be forgotten.

But I will do all of this in my own time, when it's right for me and my kids.

And for all of you who have been here for me and the kids no matter where in the world you may lay your heads, you have been a gift that I know I can never repay. Thank you

Just One More Thing

2008-05-11T04:24:00.002-04:00

It's 4:30am. The Ambien that I took to help me sleep has actually done just the opposite. I've written 2 more posts, responded to 4 emails and read the first 34 pages of 'The Heroin Diaries.'

I'm going to the drug store tomorrow to demand my money back.

The Little Drummer Boy

2008-05-11T02:31:00.003-04:00

I was rereading some of the comments left by you all and while I can say that every one of them has affected me in some way, something the Bubble Wrap Girl wrote reads rings in my head. She wrote:

"You control you and you either let yourself be happy or you let yourself be unhappy and the only person that is to blame for your “happiness” is yourself!"

I think I finally understand something that I've been struggling with a lot in these past few months. The question that's been playing all types of polka music in my head lately is the following - What the hell has happened to the moral standards in this country?

In 1950 the divorce rate was about 11%. Two years ago the divorce rate was just over 50%. Am I the only one bothered by this?

BWG's comment was fueled by motherly instinct. Care for your children and keep them from any harm. Even if and especially when that harm comes from yourself or your spouse. The ones we love and the ones who we believe love us are the ones who can hurt us the most. And I agree with BWG, you have children who didn't ask for any of this so suck it up and deal.

As always our camps will divide a bit between the parents and the lovers/caregivers of our children. Not all parents are caregivers and you don't have to be a parent to truly love a child. I loved/love my nieces because of who they are as people, not who their parents are. But for this train ride let's take the children out of the equation.

There are people in this world who do not fully understand the word happiness and unfortunately we all must suffer for their ignorance. Lucky us. Let's poke them with sticks for a bit shall we.

One of our inalienable rights as written in the Declaration of Independence is "the pursuit of happiness." Some of the wisest men of their time, in an attempt to create a document giving this country direction specifically added the word 'pursuit' because they knew, as any semi intelligent person should know, happiness is not a thing to be given.

And yet there are those who cry "I'm not happy, it must be your fault" Dontcha' just wanna smack 'em a little? And some of these people are fairly intelligent. So what the hell is going on?

1950 - 1960 and WWII is over. The country is seeing a resurgence of family structure and values as our servicemen return home. The Immigration and Naturalization Act is signed and more people are coming to America to start new lives. Racial Segregation is ruled unconstitutional. TV shows like "Father Knows Best" and "Ozzie and Harriet" are what the people are watching. We are a country with strong moral and family values.

But then we hit a snag.....

The 1960's began the "Me" revolution. A counter-culture sparked by an unpopular war tore itself away from the mass, swelled in rank and asked "What's best for me?" Where the earlier generations stood united, the children of the 60's were given a legitimate excuse to look elsewhere for purpose. They couldn't trust a government when the very institution lost interest in Viet Nam and made excuses as to why it was unwinnable. We lost our innocence and from then on we questioned everything and everyone.

'What's best for me?'

And we had almost 4 decades to pull it back together and we failed. Can't trust the government to be honest, can't trust the clergy to keep their hands off little boys, can't trust mothers to not drive their cars into a lake while her two children are asleep in the back seat, and we can't trust fathers not to beat the mothers. So what the hell do we do? We take what we can get and hope that we can hold on to it for as long as possible.

And damn it, someone owes me happiness. So along comes the government to give you that illusion. And it's called......No Fault Divorce.

Most states are no-fault divorce states. I believe that only New York is not a no fault divorce state.

This means that the party who wants a divorce does not have to show a specific misbehavior on the part of the other spouse, such as adultery, abandonment, drunkenness, addiction, abuse, etc. The party simply has to state that there is no chance the marriage will be patched up.

Funny I seem to recall when growing up everyone telling me that nothing was impossible. This doesn't seem to apply with divorce. "No chance the marriage will be patched up?" So the government is saying 'hey, why bother yourself with the work of trying to put a marriage back together. In three months you can be happy again.'

So getting married is a religious ceremony, but divorce is a legal one. You ask god to bind you then you ask Big Brother to cut the ties away. How the Fu@k do you people sleep at night? It doesn't matter right? You're happy.

And when you come home at 2:30am smelling of cheap cologne and sweat while you're children are fast asleep...does that make you happy dear? Tomorrow you will go to church and act all righteous like your actions are just, do you count on god to give you a free pass just cause it's Mothers Day? Or is god just a convenience too you. He's looking out for my children too. So pick a circle. A bunch of them apply. It's a Divine Comedy after all. As long as you're happy.

Free Bird

2008-05-11T01:53:00.001-04:00

I know this guy named Frank. He's one of those down south good ole' boy by his own admission. Frank just got through his second divorce.

When he talks about it it's hard to tell where his head is really at. He's been hurt, there's no doubt about that. He probably has a huge distrust of women. We joke about how all ex's should be tied together and taken out to the deep part of an ocean. He's bitter, and I get that. It's hard not to be bitter when you feel like you've been treated unfairly.

I know a bit of his wife's side of the story. Maybe it's the things she couldn't tell me that drove her to this but from what I do know it's quite possible that they could have worked things out if they both tried. But that's just an opinion from a third party. Who knows. The one thing that I am thankful for was that there were no children caught in the middle. Not that this makes it ok. It just makes it less not ok.

A friend of mine has been separated from her husband for awhile. Kids are all grown and she still lives in the family home. She still loves her husband and would take him back in a heartbeat. The thing is that he doesn't want her and worst part of all this is that he abuses her love for him making demands and threatening divorce. So she is unable to move on with her life.

Everyone deals with losing someone they love differently.

Anger is a big emotion to deal with. If you let it get out of control then you could wind up becoming something you don't want to become. And you have to live with yourself afterwards. My anger is tempered by my children. I don't want them growing up thinking I was some kind of beast who only thought about his own emotions. And I know the word regret very, very well. I'm not willing to get that word tattoo'd anywhere anytime soon.

But anger is the thing that will kill you if you let it. You can become so angry that no one wants to be around you. You poison healthy relationships, and it adds to your anger. Feed it and it continues to grow.

But as a 110lbs woman reminded me recently, It isn't about you. Get over it and move on. Get back to who you were before all of this and grow healthy again.

And for gods sake, find someone to love and who loves you. Love trumps anger every time.

And I love you guys. If you think this was meant for you then it probably was.

The Little Things That Kill

2008-05-11T01:28:00.002-04:00

Here's something funny. Ambien has no effect on me whatsoever. Not that this is really funny because at the moment I really, really need to be asleep.

My wife came home at 6 with the kids and then announced that was going to a party. Well, 11pm came and went and that's when Nikki started asking questions. "Where's Mommy" and "Why is she so late". See cause to me she said she was going to a party but to Nikki she said she had a meeting. And Nikki is a lot smarter then my wife is giving her credit for. So I lied to Nikki saying maybe mommy had a really important meeting so she could make lots of money and it just ran a little late. "I'm sure she'll be here soon Nikki."

So it's 12:30 and she still isn't home. Luckily I got the girls to sleep and just maybe my wife will be home before they wake up. I'm not counting on it.

Just another example of how clueless she is about our children. I guess she thinks that she's getting to me and she would be wrong except that she's getting to me through the kids. This is a huge mistake.

My sister in law gets it. She knows who I am and what I'm willing to do to keep my children out of this. Hell I tried to keep her children out of this but because things turned into big pity party for my wife, my nieces got the news of a divorce just thrown at them. What a great system she has going on. She cries her little crocodile tears and the brother comes to the rescue guns a blazing. Not thinking of course about the damage he caused his kids or mine. And OMG she's playing him like she plays the rest of her "friends" and yes friends was quoted cause until all this came about they were all jokes to her. She'd come home with all these sick and twisted stories about the girls she works with. But now, well hey they're her best friends.

The neat little thing she did this week was to tell Nikki that she was taking Nikki to a fair at some church to see one of mommy's male friends. And of course Nikki comes to me and tells me this just like she did the last time it happened. So here's what I'm dealing with. I have, 'in name only' a wife that can't even say hi to me when she comes home. She doesn't ask about the kids, she just goes on being hurt that I won't accept the separation agreement from her and her lawyer. She's hurt that I won't leave my kids with her. Gee, I wonder why.

HOWEVER it's ok to take my kids around a man they don't know, watch their mother be all happy, happy, joy, joy around him while she won't even give their daddy the time of day?

Yeah, she's a great fucking role model.

Her brother who knows me better then any other male knows that's shes playing the victim. Which by the way, how exactly is she the victim? Seems to me like she's doing these things to me and the kids and besides telling her that I wasn't leaving my children, when exactly did she get victimized? Is it that much easier to turn away from all of this then to say, 'Hey Sis, you need help.' I guess it is.

And of course when I demanded to know where she was taking my children this weekend she decided not to go to this fair.

So I need to ask, besides me not willing to give up custody of my children to someone who has shown on several different occasions that she's not always thinking about whats best for the kids. How exactly have I hurt you? And really ask yourself what I could do if I wanted to. If I have to start taking action to ensure that you can be trusted to do whats best for them when you take them out, what am I capable of doing?

Because when it comes to my kids I will do anything.

You seem to think this blog is for you. It's not. I don't write anything here hoping that it affects you at all. Right now, you're not worth it. I would suggest that you don't read it. You have this 'well people are only taking your side cause they only know what you're telling them' way at looking at this and yet you can't point to one thing in here thats not correct.

But this little bit is for you. You have made a mistake in taking my kindness as a weakness. I am not weak. I have plenty of ways of showing you this. Keep my children out of your little games and you will never have to understand what these last two sentences mean.

And just out of curiosity, how much do you pay you're lawyer to read this blog cause I can write more if it's by the word.

And since we're already here, I want to thank Melissa for reading the posts and sending me an email. It was very touching, thank you.

You Can't Laugh Until You Cry

2008-05-10T19:16:00.006-04:00

Let's just get this out of the way, I'm drunk and pissed and the two have almost nothing to do with each other.

I want to apologize ahead of time in case I forget to do it later. First, I'm sorry that I drank and drove. It isn't often that I drink and this time caught me by surprise. By the time I realized that I was drunk it was that exact moment that I remembered that I was too far from home to walk. For some reason the angel that protects me from the stupid things I do gave me a free pass today, although he did say something about me having to wash his cat later.

And I want to apologize in advance for the swear words I am certain to use. Normally I don't use them when I write. While I'll drop the f bomb in conversation, I find that using it in writing to be distasteful. However, I'm bound to do it now.

I'm too drunk to write but not drunk enough to drive. Go figure. Here's the thing though, my brother and I have this saying "Never believe a word our father says unless he's drunk" and we say that lovingly.

Ok, so this story starts like pretty much every story of mine........

Once there was this girl.

This girl's name is Kelly. I met her when I was 19 maybe 20. She was a waitress at a place I was cooking/bartending and there was this mutual interest from the get go. Problem was that I was still an outsider since I had just started working there and all of her friends warned her to stay away from me which I didn't understand as none of them even knew me but whatever. After finishing an afternoon shift she asked if she could walk me to the metro and I said yes. 14 minutes later I asked if I could kiss her and she said "please".....I will never forget that.

Anyway, life was kind of hard for me at the time. Through a series of really bad (read drug use) circumstances, I found my self living in a music studio. The owner really liked me as I would work for free (I loved being around the instruments and musicians) so he let me stay in the recording studio down stairs. The only trouble was that he had to lock me in for the night when the store closed and there was no bathroom. But it worked. I got to play around with the instruments and recording equipment all night. Having no bathroom was a problem and now that I had a girlfriend being locked in a basement at 8pm kinda made things rough. If we went out that night I would sleep in the park like I would do when I worked late at the restaurant.

After a week of dating, Kelly wanted me to meet her parents. I had no worries, parents loved me. Well actually the moms loved me and they would persuade the fathers to at least pretend to like me. We went to her parents house and had dinner. Jean, her mother, worked for the government and Sterling, her father worked for, get this, the DEA. How's that for irony. They lived in this 500k home in the suburbs of Virginia. Daughter went to college, son was about to enter college. They were two of the most straight laced, upstanding people I have ever met and after Kelly told her mother of my waif story and how I was living in a music studio, THAT NIGHT her mother looked at me and said "You're moving in with us"

I know, right?

Kelly did the expected 'We'll sleep together but that's it, just sleep. And to make sure we just sleep I'll wear my butt ugly sweats.' Well the 'we'll just sleep together thing' lasted all of 4 minutes. No idea why I included this.

ANYWAY, after a couple of months we decide to move to California. My now current mother was living out there and was happy to give me a place to stay while I looked for a place for me and Kelly who stayed back east until I had things ready. She came out after about a week or so and by then I had a job and an apartment.

But I wasn't in love with Kelly and I think she knew that. And when things got rough she went back to Virginia and I found someone else. The someone else turned out to be "point a gun at my head' Julie. Well we all know how that ended. I decided that the west coast wasn't big enough for her and I so I moved back to Virginia. For some reason Kelly was waiting for me and we were in bed again within two hours of my plane landing.

I'm writing all this background for one reason. I need you all to understand that Kelly knows me and that even through the bad stuff, she still loves me. And with all of this I offer the following....

Today, Kelly punched me in the fucking (see I told you it was coming) face.

We've kept in touch over the years. By this I mean, we email each other every two years or so to see what the other one is up to. I received an email a week ago from her and after I responded about how my life has turned into just a wonderful fairy tale dream she wrote that we needed to do a lunch thing.

Kelly is off limits to me in any way except as friends. She's married, happily, and has a child. So anything other then friends is not an option.

We met at a place called Glory Days. It's kinda like Outback Steakhouse for those of you not in the know. We have a drink while catching up on the present and reliving the past and this spills into the second drink. By the third drink I was into my whole "What's wrong with me, why is this happening to me" phase when she says "I think you need a hug" and she stands up. So I stand up and then.......

She punched me in my fucking (there it is again) face.

So picture this. She's all of 5'3" 110lbs IF that and here I am 6"4' 190lbs and she lays me out on the floor like I just stole her crayons. I don't know if it was the drinks, or that I was caught by surprise, or if some pent up resentment gave her a freakishly powerful left hook that day but I have never been hit like that.

And as I'm lying on the floor thinking that about how all these people (by all I mean about 6) are looking at me, she steps over me so each of her feet were almost pinning my shoulders and says the following.

"William, you are a nice guy. You are smart and funny. You can make any woman you talk to feel like she's the only woman in the world. You're sexy as hell and unless something has gone horribly wrong, I am assuming that you still have skills (NOT the term she used but I really don't wanna have to use the f word again) in the bedroom. This is nothing more then your wife being a (edited) and if you don't stop this right now we can try the hitting thing again."

And I truly believe that if I didn't agree with her, she would have hit me again. She did pay for the drinks although for the record, Long Island Iced Teas with a lemon are not the party drink when the inside of your lip is cut to hell.

We all need friends who are willing to hit us.

And Kelly, I hope your hand is sore for a month.

I Do Not Like Green Eggs and Ham

2008-05-09T11:45:00.004-04:00

I wanted to start by wishing all you moms out there a Happy Mothers Day. I hope your day is special and that you all are truly thanked for the wonderful jobs you all do. Being a mom is quite a task.

I also want to wish my mother a very special Mothers Day. My biological isn't what anyone would call a mother by any stretch and I haven't talked to her in about 15 years, but my stepmother, my second and current stepmother is just wonderful. I've known my current stepmother all my life and she has always been there to guide me. She won't always tell me what I want to hear but she always tells me what I need to hear.

Let's spend 14 seconds updating any of you new readers who haven't yet been able to catch up on everything.

My name is William and I've been a stay at home father to my two children Nicole and Jessica since my oldest was born 4 1/2 years ago. My wife wants a divorce. She says she's unhappy so she's decided to throw me and the kids under the bus so she can go out and be happy. She wants me out of the house but I'm not leaving without my children. She has never been what anyone would call a real mother and there is no way I would willingly give her custody especially considering their age. We can't get divorced without being separated for at least a year but neither one of us is leaving the house. She has stopped supporting me financially and has left me with 15k in credit debt without me having any incoming funds to pay these off.

So enough of that.

One of the truly suck things about being financially strapped is that I can't just spend money on the girls when I want to.

I took the girls to go see Horton Hears a Who last month when it came out. We went with my sister in law and her youngest daughter. My girls had a blast. Afterwards Nikki chased every speck of dust she saw for three days hoping to hear a little voice coming from the speck. And for me it was such a great memory but the bill for it was outrageous. 3 tickets along with popcorn and soda set me back about $50. And this doesn't even include the gas we used for my 1994 Jeep Grand Cherokee that gets about 14 miles to the gallon.

It's costs me $40 a month so Nikki can have access to the internet. My wife cut this off in some sadistic attempt to hurt me, meanwhile our daughter who is learning so much gets caught in in the crossfire. All it would take anyone is to sit with my girl as she shows you all the great things she can do and has learned because of the web to understand that $40 bucks is a bargain. Well it's a bargain when you can afford it.

And the worst thing about all of this is that my wife has no limitations on what she can spend on the girls and she takes advantage of it. She takes them out on the weekends and spends all kinds of money on them while I have to think about spending $6 to rent them a dvd every once in a while.

My mother is quick to point out that the girls don't need to go to the movies, or have internet, or McDonalds, and to a point I agree with her. It's not good to spoil your children with excess. But they're children for such a short time, I want them to experience these things. And I as a parent want to experience these things through their eyes. It's a benefit of being a parent to see the wonder in your child's eyes as they watch a 50ft elephant chase a piece of dust across a movie screen.

And I can hear my wife now 'Oh, but I leave money for you to do things with the girls.' These are hollow words coming from the clueless. Meanwhile she spends 7 times that amount in 1/10 the time.

But I guess that's about right. I mean how much does guilt cost these days?

And in the 'Things that make go you wtf department.'.... 1-800 Flowers is running a contest where customers vote on their favorite 'mom archetype'. Included in their offered choices was the weekend warrior moms and the baking cookies moms along with, you guessed it, "Mr. Mom."

I am a FATHER who stays at home and raises his kids and I do a great job. Spend 10 minutes with either of my children and you'll figure that out. I am not a mother, I am not a woman, and I am not "Mr. Mom." I am a man. And if you have any doubts regarding my manhood Mr. Head of Marketing for 1-800 Flowers then I invite you to stop by my house sometime so I can kick your bitchy, little ass.

And if you are a Mrs. Head of Marketing at 1-800 Flowers you are still invited to stop by. I have other ways of proving my manhood.

Happy Mothers Day!!!!!

UPDATE - It looks like 1-800 Flowers has pulled the Mr. Mom option in their contest. A little late but we fathers take victories when we can.

Let Me Take You Down, 'Cause I'm Going to Strawberry Fields

2008-05-07T15:13:00.005-04:00

I hate Wednesdays.

Last week Nikki had a runny nose and coughs. She then passed this on to Jessies who then, of course, gave it to me. I started with a sore throat last night and this morning I have a stuffy nose, coughs and a headache. And to top it all off it's Wednesday.

Wednesdays is the day for my wife's special meeting. Wednesdays she takes extra time getting all dressed up then she leaves to do what she does. I would like you to take a few seconds to think about how you would feel every Wednesday morning as your spouse walks out the door if you were in my position. I can say this though, at least she didn't wake me up by poking me with a broom in front of Jessie this morning....again.

It's the little pleasures in life.

Yesterday Nikki's school had a field trip to The Smithsonian Environmental Research Center. I'll be referring it to SERC. The other is way too many key strokes.

SERC is a facility that's about 3 miles from our home. They serve to educate people on the land and water ecosystems. It's a pretty cool place and the kids had a blast. There were tanks with crabs and turtles and fish. There were lots of skeletons and pelts from animals around Maryland that the children were allowed to pick up and hold. It was a great day.

Aiden wasn't able to be there and as I watched the boys from the 3 year old am class, (Nikki is in the pm class) beat each other with pieces of foam I really started to miss my friend. Maybe it's because I've only seen Aiden around the girls. Or maybe it's because he's the older brother of two sisters, but he hasn't shown me that he has that chaotic boy side. And as always do, I thanked god that I have girls.

The great thing about visiting SERC was that our guide Kim was able to identify Clem as a Painted turtle by looking at a picture I had brought. The first thing she told me was that it was illegal to keep wild animals. As Clem is now part of the family I kinda shrugged that off. Next she said that Painted turtles are aquatic and needed a water tank. Good to know. Luckily his current tank is an old fish aquarium so that wasn't going to be a problem. She then gave me some tips on caring for him. So when I got home I dug the little guy up a couple earthworms from the garden. And Clem went to town munching those worms. And he seems extremely happy now swimming all over.

I did have one little incident while setting up Clems new home.

I had gone to our front yard to get one of the large, flat rocks that line our driveway. I planned on using it as a resting spot for the tank. I grabbed a rock and started to walk inside I noticed that underneath the rock there was a clump of dirt and dead leaves. I went to brush this away and I found a Black Widow Spider. I'm not honestly sure whether or not I screamed. I did not hear myself make a sound. I do however recall that a few of the neighborhood dogs started to howl so maybe I did. It was just a weird experience to have one of those spiders that close.

The things I do for my babies.

Sorry if this post isn't up to par. I am truly sick, both physically and spiritually. And it's Wednesday. Hopefully I be back all locked and loaded tomorrow.

Peace and Love,
W

You Got a New Fool? Ha, I like it Like That.

2008-05-05T21:32:00.003-04:00

Sunday morning was a perfect, beautiful, so what the hell happened?

I woke up at around 8am which truly sucked because it's an obscenely rare day when I have no kids nor wife to wake me up. As I hadn't gotten to sleep till 3am it would have been nice to grind out a few more Zzzz's. However I was up and there was no sense in fighting it. So I went to church.

Ok, get up off the floor. I've been going to this singles bible study group at church. Just because I go to church doesn't mean I drink the kool-aid. I like church and I really like the people as long as they aren't all preachy.

While it is a singles group I have made it known that I'm not really a single. I know a couple of them outside of this group and they are aware of my situation.And it's not really a 'bible study' group as much as we use writings from the bible as a backboard for our weekly topics. We've been talking about boundaries and how we can use or own experiences to cultivate healthier relationships. Whenever someone has anything to say, profound or otherwise there's a mad dash to the The Bible to make sure that God agrees. Hence the "bible study'

Besides, there is a little cafe inside the church that has some mad coffee skills.

After church I headed home to relax a bit, check in on my online crew and stare outside at the beautiful spring day. For a fleeting moment or two I thought about grabbing my camera and going on a sightseeing safari but I wound playing the vampire that day. And what better torture then going to the gym.

I got a membership to Golds Gym a couple months ago. I mean the idea of ever getting naked in front of a woman other then my current wife scared the bejeezus out of me. However, as I plan on having sex at least one more time before I die I may have to get naked at some point. If I have to get naked then I want to look like I've at least heard about exercise. And while I've never been overweight (I don't think I can become overweight) I wouldn't hurt to lift something heavier than my coffee cup.

Ok, so I get to the gym and I go to the back room (I don't want to be looked at and there are often too many things for me to look at so I try to workout in private)and I get on my old friend the stationary bike. I usually try to do 10 miles before I start screaming like a little Jamaican girl. I once did 15 miles when Stacey was with me and our conversation was enjoyable. But today I was loaded for bear. I was going for 20 miles. Hell, I had all day if needed. I also figured that if I could stay distracted long enough I might get it done so I had a couple episodes of Firefly loaded on the iPod.

Now, I have heard of and even experienced what people refer to as 'the wall'. It's a point in your exercise where you no longer feel the burn, the pain. You get to that point and you're golden. I am sad to report that I never got to that point. Yes I made it to 20 miles but I paid for every revolution after the first 10, crying like a little Jamaican girl the entire way. But the fun was just beginning.

There are three other pieces of equipment that I needed to get through before I could call the day a win. All three were recommend by the fitness trainer after she examined my then and sadly current physical condition.

The first is just plain sick. You sit down and tuck your legs under this bar. You the lift or extend your legs raising the weights. I did the number of repetitions with the amount of weight that had been suggested. Both of these numbers will go with me to my grave. Nothing to see here....just move along.

The second exercise is where you lay down underneath a bar that lies across your midsection. You then get the pleasure of trying to sit upright as many times as you can before your spine breaks.

Last and least, my all time hated piece of fiendish metal hell. I have no idea what real men call this thing but you sit down with your arms raised as if you're a human field goal. You then attempt to bring your forearms together while all minions of Hades fight against you. I couldn't complete the last set of reps. Final score - Minions 1, William 0.

As I left the gym all sweaty and stinky I actually felt pretty good. What doesn't kill ya' makes you stronger right? Well as I was about to learn, sometimes what doesn't kill you right away is just waiting for you to sit still for a couple hours.

And it was only 2pm.

Crap, ok I'll finish up with Sundays exploits later. Sorry if these are a lot to read. I honestly didn't think I had this much to say.

Lay down, close your eyes, dream your dreams. Tomorrow will be a day of goodness.

W

Let's do the Time Warp Again

2008-05-05T13:12:00.002-04:00

I've decided that I'm tried of the depressive stuff so I need to take a short break from writing about 48% of my life. Let's try to move things in a different direction for a while.

Um....The weekend was cool. It was a little weird not having the women in the house but me and my boys (Sampson and Blazer our dogs and Clem) made out pretty well.

The first thing a guy should do when he finds himself alone for the weekend is to make sure his computer porn is up to date. KIDDING..kinda :P No the first thing you should do is take stock of the food situation. Unfortunately the cupboards were kinda bare so a trip to the store was in order. But first I had an appointment with my phsyciatrist.

Not to dip too far into the bad but yes, I'm crazy. The good news is that it's not contagious and it's only temporary. So we (the doctor and I) gabbed for about 15 minutes. He was concerned about the girls and suggested that once things happen I take them in to see someone who specializes in children of divorce. Make sure theey're not in too bad a place. I mentioned that I was having trouble sleeping for which he prescribed Ambien. Yay, more medication. I'm actually glad I have this stuff though. Sometimes my brain just won't turn off. Go figure.

Next came what turned out to be the biggest choice I had to make all weekend. Which grocery store to go to. In our area we have 3 major food chains, Safeway, Giant, and FoodLion. This is also the rank in the cuteness of the cash register women. Hence the extra consideration needed. Which store I choose also seems to be a good indicator as to how I feel about myself that day. If I feel good about myself and if I think I'm looking somewhat presentable then I'll go to either Safeway or Giant. If I look at mess and am rushing around then I hit Foodlion.

But before everyone ties me to the stake accusing me of being a shallow and superficial let me explain something. Being a stay at home daddy takes it's toll on one's conversation skills. I don't get a lot of time to converse with adults and when I do I find myself talking to them like I would talk to my children. Not good. Sometimes talking to public service people, waiters, librarians, the postal woman, is the only adult conversation I get. The thing is, because it's part of their job, (except the postal woman but she really likes Nikki and Jessie) they kinda have to talk to you.

Believe it or not there is a mathematical formula associated with the level of cuteness and the amount of conversation she will allow. The equation is way too complicated to get into here so I will skip that for now. Lets just say that there is a middle area of cuteness that will deliver the optimum amount of conversation.

But all of this consideration became wasted as I ran into one of the mothers of a child in Nikkis school and wound up talking to her though the checkout process. I didn't know her very well as her child is in the 4 year old class but I was able to work on my small talk skills.

I got home and played fetch with Sammy for a bit then made dinner (well "made" as in opened the container of precooked chicken) then got online to hang out with a few friends. To top off the day I put a movie in the dvd player and fried a few brain cells while watching tv till about 3am. And it's nights like this that helped earn me the title "Mr. Excitement." And we haven't even discussed Sunday yet. We'll have to save that till next time.

Before I go I get to welcome another new reader. Lynette (not her real name) is a friend I met online. Like most of my friends, she was curious as to how I had been doing and what was going on with the children. I gave her my blog address and after she read it she had this to say. She wrote "I read your blog and I have three comments." I interrupted her to remind her that I cry easily and to this she lol'd. I don't want to relay the first comment for as accurate as it might have been, it wasn't pleasant. However her next 2 comments were "Your kids are really cute and you write very well. Have you considered writing professionally?" I'm using quotes very liberally here but that was the gist of her comments.

I don't know about writing professionally. I really like breaking up paragraphs, having my sentences run on, and using the words kinda and gottcha. I will say that your comments meant a lot and the fact that you read the blog meant more. Thank you.

K, Sunday wasn't a carnival but I do have a few things I would like to write about it. Tune in later for that.

As always, thanks for your support. Thanks for reading.

Love is Also a Four Letter Word

2008-05-03T13:56:00.002-04:00

I was awoken this morning by my youngest, Jessica. She was hopping up and down on my stomach saying "We're going to Mrs. Lori's house." This I knew. My wife had been making plans to do this for a few weeks. Then Jessie said, "We're going to have a sleepover."

This I did not know.

Mrs. Lori is a longtime friend of my wife's. Mrs. Lori, as my wife has mentioned several times before likes her drink. And, as I will condense the stories my wife has told me, Mrs. Lori tends to get a little ...um, how do I put this. Mrs. Lori has a thing for men I guess would be the delicate way of saying it. Mrs. Lori is also married.

Lori lives in central Virginia. It's about a 3 hour drive from my house to hers. I know this because I've been to her house once. A couple years ago I did some design work for her and her husband's travel magazine. I drove to their house for a meeting to discuss ideas and such. Before I left home my wife warned me that Lori may try to hit on me. No big deal, nothing I haven't dealt with before. I get there, her husband's there, we talk for a couple hours then I leave. Of course when I get home my wife asks the two questions that had to be asked by a wife. Was Lori drinking and did she hit on you. I replied yes to one and no to the other.

So right now, as I am sitting in this house by myself I have two issues. The first being the total lack of respect from my wife not telling me of her plans with our children. The second, my concern that my wife would not act in the best interests of my children. After I loaded my kids into the car and closed the doors, I said to my wife who was finishing her cigarette, "The next time you plan on taking the kids anywhere overnight you will tell me first." She says, "Oh, I'm not sure we're going to spend the night." But as she had packed everything for an overnight trip, the idea of it was there and as such should have been discussed with me first. The next thing I said was this, "You will be with the children the entire time. You will not leave them with anyone while you and Lori go out." Look, I don't really know these people and based on the things I do know I wasn't all on board the the whole idea of my kids leaving. However, as my wife had already built up this trip as to them as a big deal I was kinda pressed to accept it.

I take it when my wife disrespects me as a man and a husband. She has removed all her jewelry from the house, all her mail is forwarded somewhere else, she hides her purse at night. To me this is all petty BS that I turn the other cheek to. But when she disrespects me as a father, that's where the line gets drawn. Because no matter how she tries to knock me down, I deserve that respect.

You Don't Drink, Don't Smoke. What Do You Do?

2008-05-02T17:25:00.003-04:00

Ok, so I finally figured out where I wanted to go with that 'Life ending asteroid' post I created earlier.

During the times where I get depressed I often stumble into the whole 'meaning of life' question. I'm gonna die someday anyway so what's the point. But then you have kids and they become your point.

I don't believe in procreation just so your life will have meaning. Some people need a legacy that will carry on the family name or whatever. Some guys get discouraged when it's a daughter instead of a son. Some people feel that there's something missing in their lives and believe that a child will make that feeling go away. And to these people I say, "You shouldn't have had children at all if this is your motivation."

When you're a true parent, when your children are your highest priority, when you know in you soul that you would happily take a bullet for your kids, it's then you understand the meaning of life. To purely give the experience of life, to give a smile, a laugh, to introduce wonder, to invoke a sense of security, to have the words 'I love you' come back to you from a child, is life's meaning.

And yes, chances are good (luckily only 1 in 450,000 at the moment) that at some point all life on earth will be extinguished. But remember this, all sound, especially the sound of laughter, continues to echo forever.

And I want to welcome aboard the Insane Train a new reader, Michelle. Michelle is a friend, not the friend I wrote about earlier and she's tres schmexy. Those of you who know me know I don't just use that word all willy nilly. Anyway welcome Michelle :)

Bye

It's Been a Good Year for Bad Days or a Bad Year for Good Days

2008-05-02T11:11:00.002-04:00

Ok boys and girls, this trip will more than likely go off the tracks a bit but please open your minds a little and try to read without judging.

The Bible confuses me. I mean really, all the twists and contridictions is just too much.

I came back to religion when all this divorce talk started hoping to find something to carry me through. And I did find what I needed but it wasn't religion.

I do believe in God. I don't believe in all the hoops you have to jump through to be in his/her good graces. I do believe in heaven but my heaven isn't littered with clouds and angels. And I believe in hell. We're living it. Sure, my Hell isn't all brimstone and fire heck, sometimes it can be very pleasant but my idea of heaven is so much more than we can imagine. Life is my idea of Hell.

I think religion can serve a purpose. Religion can bring together people to share ideas and life experiences. But I can't sign up for any religion that tells me I have to live a certain way or believe in certain things. That's just me.

Anyway, I brought this up because of something MIchelle wrote me in an email. She made the comment that I'm a 'eye for an eye' type of person. Of course I told her that I wasn't, that's crazy talk. 'I'm a eye, limb and most of a torso for an eye' kinda guy. But ask yourselves what kind of person you are. Maybe you lean more towards the 'turn the other cheek' philosophy. That's cool if it's working for you. My experience is that if I turn the other cheek I get that slapped also.

Some may think that this blog is a way to get back at my wife for the things she's doing but it's really not and if you knew me you would know that. Look, as far as I know right now not many people who are close to us read this thing. Yes a few do but eh, so what. If I really wanted this to be payback then I would increase the readership to about 250. This blog is for no one but me. I'm glad others read it, I'm glad they support me. But even if no one read it I would still be doing it. And I would really encourage people to start writing blogs or journals or whatever. It's interesting what you can learn about yourself from reading what you write. And every once in a while someone will make a comment that may make your day.

If You Can't Do Something Smart, Do Something Right

2008-05-01T18:01:00.005-04:00

In the News -

Woman leaves husband of ten years and two small children because she says "I woke up this morning and found another gray hair" Her husband was quoted through fits of laughter, "I just feel bad for the next guy she's with. One day he may sneeze too loudly and she'll be gone."

And it's not just the women. Guys you're doing it to. One day you're coming back from lunch and some hot little 24 year old looks at you just a couple seconds too long and you think 'Man, I must be looking good today' Meanwhile the hottie is staring at the soup stain on your tie debating whether it looks more the couch she just bought or her Aunt Judith. But now all of a sudden your God's gift to the breasted of our species and your poor, faithful wife is sitting home oblivious.

But isn't it all bullshit though, I mean really. All this mess caused by some insignificant speck of nothing. We burn down everything we've built because we wake up one day and we're 45 or we think we want and deserve someone a little younger, a little tighter, a little different.

So here's something funny. This woman turns 45 and she decides that she no longer wants the life she had been building with her husband and children. She wants to be young again. So within a month or so she loses all the weight she had been carrying since the birth of her first child 5 years ago. I might add that her husband never said anything negative about the weight and would always support her attempts at dieting. It turns out that if you don't eat those extra pieces of pizza and if you drink 36 ounces of coffee each morning you too can turn into a walking skeleton. Oh but you're looking good now right? So you buy new clothes. And wow, you look good in a thong even though for years you've made jokes about other women who wear them. Any man who isn't trying to get you out of that thing will tell you that it takes a certain kind of ass to be able to make a thong work. But all the girls you work with wear them and hey, you're one of the girls now. And isn't it odd how just a few months ago you would go home and tell your husband all these stories about what complete losers your 'work friends' were? Lots of stories, stories to this day he remembers. But hey, that doesn't matter 'cause you're one of them now. Now you have a story. Lucky you, you're one of the girls.

So you come home all proud of yourself thinking you're doing something righteous. You walk in the door and your children look at you like you just stepped off a spaceship 'cause let's face it, your new lifestyle doesn't afford you to spend more then an hour a night and a few hours on the weekend with them. And because you've cut off all communication with their daddy you have no idea whatsoever is going on in their lives. But do you really care that your little girl was found having a conversation with her friend as he was in the bathroom peeing? Or that your youngest has gotten quite good at dog riding? And hey, daddy will probably blog about it tomorrow. You can read about it then. It must be comforting in knowing that at least they have your sister in law as a good, motherly role model.

All of you stand in front of your mirrors thinking you look so good while soul rots away. Congratulations.

And to all you guys and girls who are getting dumped on, and I say this as one of you, GET OFF YOUR FRIKKIN' ASSES AND GET BACK IN THE GAME. Yes you've been crushed, and yes the dreams you had are falling apart, and yes you have the kids to worry about or whatever, but only you can make everything ok again. According to the numbers, the chances of your spouse changing his or her mind are almost nil. I spent a lot of energy thinking I could change my wife's mind but I can't, you can't, It isn't about us. We need to worry about the things we can change. You can sit there and play the victim or you can take that power out of their hands. Get out there, go to the gym, buy nice new clothes, do the things that you never dared yourselves to do. Fall in love with yourselves again. Do all of this and you will be happy. And I swear you will find someone who honestly loves you and someone who you can feel safe with and love again. You have to believe.

Goodnight and good luck

Edit - I had to delete some stuff that I came to decide was a little too harsh. I apologize to anyone who may have read it.

Hey Hey, My My

2008-05-01T13:21:00.006-04:00

Some guys fish, I Photoshop.

I was talking to Stacey after dropping Nikki at school. I had mentioned that I had screwed up and gave someone a little more information than I had planned a little too soon. So basicaly I messed up. But there's nothing I can do about it now. Maybe someday this person will understand what I really wanted to say but probably not

Anyway, Stacey listened to the story at after I was done she said that maybe the biggest thing about it all was that I stepped outside of the box of who I used to be and moved in another direction. And yeah you know, I am kinda proud of myself that I did something positive that was so unchararistic of me. Regardless of the results I stepped outside of my box.

And guys, if you're going through a divorce or separation it may be time to step outside of your own boxes. Look at it this way, you are going through a bad period in your life. You can chose to remain the same and expect a different result next time or you can really look inside yourselves and fix the things that aren't working. It's going to be hard, sometimes change is hard but maybe changing that one little thing about you will make all the difference.

For some it's fear of commitment. Others may be too self absorbed or workaholics. Whatever it it is, it's time to change. For me it was the fear of the first step. Always doubting the choices I made. But I took the step, I believed I was right regardless of the outcome. Sure I messed up the second and third steps but I'm usually very good with those. But now that I know I can take the first step eventually I will do it again and it will be easier.

Clem Update - The little guy is still running around. Doing all the things a turtle should be doing. Still unsure of his chances of survival but he's been surprising me everyday.

Some People Juggle Geese

2008-05-01T01:23:00.003-04:00

Back before my wife wanted me dead, back before the kids, back before everything really, my wife and I had a lot of good days.

On one of these good days my wife and I were in our bedroom doing the thing that plenty of newly married couples probably do. Anyway, in the middle or actually the beginning of this the phone rings and it was her brother. I answer the phone as I am the only one able to talk at the time and he goes "What are you all doing?" And I say "Dude, you know want to know. Then he says "Really, what are you up to?" and again I tell him that he is better off not knowing. And this goes on for 5 minutes. But he is insisting and finally I say "Beth is...BLEEP, BLEEP and BLEEP" Not surprisingly he hangs up. My wife and I start laughing our asses off. We thought it was just the funniest thing in the world. So much so that I don't think we ever got back to what it was we were doing. He called back about 3 hours later (which, by the way was giving me way too much credit) and told me to never say anything like that again and hangs up. And I say (to no one) "Well next time when someone tells you that you're better off not knowing something then take them at their word and let it go."

My wife and I broke up shortly after that.

I don't know, I flipped out. It had nothing to do with her family, or even her really. I just got scared and lost it. So I moved out of the house and got an apartment and we were apart for about 6 months give or take. And I got a phone calls or emails almost everyday....from her brother. And it was always the same thing, I had to get back with his sister. He would invite me to dinner or whatever but seriously I heard from him more than I heard from my wife.

And we've been pretty tight ever since. We used to go to the grocery store when his youngest was still an infant and play "Gay Parents." We've always been the two guys in a room full of females at almost every Christmas, birthday, or whatever for the last 10 years. We use to play golf almost every weekend when I still played the game. He would show up at my doorstep at 7:30 in the morning to play video games. Of course he would have breakfast from McDonalds so my wife wouldn't be too pissed.

And he threw me out of his life as quick as could be.

My wife and children came home from church one morning She gets them a snack and sets them in the living room. She then comes into the kitchen where I was sitting and says "Why don't you just leave". I took this to mean she wanted me to leave our home and live somewhere else. I explained to her that this would not be in my best interest and that I wasn't leaving my girls. She then says "You should go get a job like a real man" and "I'm sick of living with a mental patient." She then tells me that I "need to pay for my own car insurance." At this point I decide to leave the environment as I can see that my wife is upset and the children, who are sitting within earshot in the next room, would soon detect her mood.

I drove to my brother in laws house. And he has known about all of this for a few weeks. In fact I spent 4+ hours at his house the previous day having breakfast and helping him move and set up a trampoline that they had just bought for their children. I enter his house and sit down as he's watching tv. I ask him what he's watching and he says that he's not sure and that he's been on the phone. At this point he says that we need to talk. I can tell by his voice that the conversation was going to probably be about the argument between my wife and I. I ask if he would like to go outside as his two daughters were in the house. He says "No, I'm going to have to ask you to leave my house."

Look, taking the side of a sibling is completely understandable. I get it and would probably do the same. But at some point the whole right and wrong argument would become a problem for me. And what my wife, his sister is doing is wrong.

It is wrong that she is so ready to throw away this marriage and put our babies through a divorce. It is wrong that she is taking actions that negatively affect our children. It is wrong for her to blame anyone else but herself for her unhappiness. And when she reads this later today she'll get angry and take something or turn something off that will hurt the children. But again, I defy anyone to say that anything I've written has been incorrect.

I'm not asking for him or anyone else to step up and try to get though to her. I tried that in the beginning when her friends were all shocked that she would do this and quiet honestly, I think I'm past the point of caring. It just makes me wonder where is all the charity, compassion, and mercy that some of these people say they believe in?

Well this post jumped ahead in the order I had planned. It's been a bad night for me and I guess it's reflected in this post. Sorry. Hopefully I'll have happier news tomorrow.

Peace,
W

Oh Crap.......

2008-04-30T22:55:00.011-04:00

I am so not ready for this.

Ok, so the girl on the left is Nikki, the boy on the right is her um....uh...ah...OK, OK...IT'S HER BOYFRIEND. There I said it, are you all happy??!!!!

His name is Aiden and he is the one boy in Nikki's class of 9 children. Aiden could have his pick of any of the girls and for a while we all thought he had chosen one of the other girls to be his bride-to-be. But she wasn't in class last week and my daughter, taking a page from her fathers playbook, used the opportunity to steal him away. And how did she do this you may ask? Caterpillars. That's right she used insects. Well, she could have used dinosaurs as this is another interest the two share but since dinosaurs don't start coming out 'till the Fall my daughter used bugs. Because as we know, the quickest way to a boys heart is though his uh......thorax. Sorry, I had to say it. :P

However, as much as I'm not ready for Nikki to notice boys, the one she has noticed is by far the sweetest 4 year old boy I have ever met. He's for the most part quiet and polite which is rare for his age. His mother is the coolest person you would ever want to meet and although I've only met his father twice, he seemed like a good guy. So if Aiden is the boy for Nikki, she couldn't have picked a better one.

The following conversation is being relayed to show Aiden's parents what they are getting as a daughter-in-law.

Nikki - Daddy, is poo made out of food?

Me - Yes Nikki, poo is made out of food.

Nikki - Even Desert?

Me - Yep, even desert.

Nikki - Then why doesn't it taste like it?

Yeah, I'm proud of her too.

Hey, Robert, the guy I talked about a few posts ago suggested that I try to get this blog some more attention by submitting it to a few of the blog/father/stay at home fathers sites. You'll notice on the right hand side of this page near the bottom is a blog rater that then goes back to BlogCatalog. I am expecting to be added to a few other sites very soon and I will keep everyone posted. Unfortunately (but really fortunately) my situation is kinda rare and as Robert wrote "It's good to know that I'm not the only guy dealing with this." Maybe we can all be alone together.

Bye

Don't Judge Me Too Harshly

2008-04-30T22:20:00.000-04:00

I'm may be a knob but I love these songs -

And believe it or not I use to dress up like the guitarist in this video and dance around with my guitar playing this song.

Boogie Woderland

I got an email tonight that I expected but hoped wouldn't come. I needed some silly songs to make me smile a bit.

Oh yeah, need to throw this one on also

Wish I was Your Lover

The Show Must Go On

2008-04-30T18:36:00.004-04:00

ACK!!!! My parents are watching me dance. Ok, relax, no big deal right? Just take off my clothes.......turn on Bob Seager's "Old Time Rock 'n' Roll....and grab a candlestick. Time to dance.

One thing before I start. No matter how bad things may be for you, no matter how much someone you thought loved you turns on you. No matter how alone and helpless you may feel, you have it within you to turn it around. Please believe me when I say that there is someone out there just waiting for a person like you. You just have to find the courage to knock on the door and hope that the one who answers is the one.

And if he/she isn't the one, move on and find a new door.

I wrote earlier about being the father of two girls and how I'm relieved that I don't have to worry about their choices in life that may or may be a result of my words of wisdom. I will raise my girls the best that I can and hopefully be a positive role model. But I'm lucky that I don't have to ever give them the "When I was your age, I went through the same thing you're going through" speech.

My father didn't have it so lucky.

My father was 21 when he married my mother who was 19. My dad was in the service and stationed in San Diego. Things were good for a while and then she became pregnant. This would have been wonderful news had it not been for the fact that she was susposed to be on birth control but had not been taking the pills. My father wigged out a bit but got it together enough to try to make things work.

FYI - For the longest time, and I guess even now I have it in my head that I was responsible for the impending divorce. It's just hard for me not to think it even though I guess I know it's silly.

Anyway, they tried to keep things together and a little more then a year later my brother was born.

I'm not clear on what happened after that. I know he left her and moved to DC to be closer to his mother and my brother and I stayed with our mother.

My dad kinda' lost it. He sank into a severe depression. I know he went through things so bad that I don't even want to talk about them. But somehow he came out the other side of all his darkness and when he did he knew that he had to have his sons with him. So, to make a short story shorter, he went back to the west coast, grabbed my brother and I and headed back to DC. And he raised us by himself for many years until he finally remarried.

But he has this guilt thing going on that while I guess I understand, I just can't accept. Look, the bottom line is that no matter what kind of parent you are, your children will go through hard times, they will screw up, they will get hurt. No matter what you do you can't protect us from the world or ourselves. And he's right, he has done some things that I don't think were the best of choices, but I have almost always agreed with the reasons behind his actions. So he beats himself up but he doesn't take any credit for the most important thing he's ever done.

You need to remember that when he took us from our mother it was the early 70's. Single parents were almost unheard of and a single father, well there may have been like 5 of those in the entire country. But he did it and he did a great job. And guess what, it turns out that my mother turned into a complete diaster and I have no doubt that I would be beyond hope right now if I had been left in her care.

If you want to blame yourself for something then make sure that it's something you had control of in the first place.

And pops, as I go through this crap and I start to drown in all of it, I think about you and how you somehow got all 3 of us through it when you knew you had to. You made a choice that was in no way what was best for you when you chose to raise your two boys and as I look at my girls, your beautiful granddaughters, I know that I'm on the right path.

I love you dad.

Night guys

Let It Roll

2008-04-30T10:51:00.010-04:00

I just recently learned that my parents have been reading my blog. I'm ok with it really but it's kinda' like dancing in your room in your underwear only to find your parents have been standing in the doorway watching. No big deal, I've danced in less.

For the last couple of days I've been emailing this guy whose situation is similar to mine. He wrote that his sister had turned him on to the blog a couple of weeks ago and that he could really identify with everything I'm going through. But this guy has it bad. He's 34 and started to be a stay at home dad after an accident at work crushed his left leg and the doctors were forced to amputate. He has a little girl who is 6 but he has reasons to believe that the child isn't his. His wife is an Executive clothes buyer for a department store which means she travels a lot. For months while she was away on business, the wife sent him an email saying that she wasn't in love with him any more and that he needed to start packing his things.

A FRIKKIN EMAIL? That is messed up. He called his wife after he read the email and asked her what she expected to happen with their daughter as the wife is away on business a lot. She said that she would get a live in sitter to stay with the daughter while the wife wasn't home.

He wrote this "After I hung up the phone, I went and poured a drink. I sat there for a long time just trying to absorb everything. I couldn't believe this was happening but I guess in the back of my mind I figured that it was only a matter of time." He went on discussing the things his wife did and the way she had been acting lately. It was obvious to him and his friends and family that she was cheating. He lived with it because he knew that after the accident he obviously wasn't the same guy and that part of him didn't blame his wife. But he said the big reason he ignored it was for his daughter. A daughter that may or may not even be his.

He then wrote the following "Being a parent isn't about whose blood is flowing through the child's veins. Anyone who is in love with their adopted child would understand this. Being a parent is loving the child regardless of all that. Being a parent means that you would move the world to protect your child from any harm. Being a parent is about loving unconditionally."

I will never forget those words.

He lives in a state where the laws on divorce are similar to mine. His wife is doing a bunch of evil crap to get him to leave. He knows she doesn't care about the child as much as she wants to keep up appearances that she is a loving mother. He wrote that like everything, some days are harder then others but that he would never change his mind about his decision to stay with his girl. He is committed to this and he is getting a lot of support.

He also said this, "Sometimes at the end of a really bad day, I'll reread your posts for the millionth time and knowing that I'm not the only one married to a psycho bitch makes the things that are happening to me easier to take."

Thanks a lot Robert...no pressure at all :P

Ok, I'm 5 posts ahead. Which means I've got 5 ready to go but I don't want to post too much to keep up with. I do hope to post one more today after me and the girls get back from Toys 'R' Us.

Also, if you don't read the comments section please read the comment from Bubble Wrap Girl in the last post. She has said everything I've been trying to say. The one thing I love about her comment is that you can just feel how committed she is to her children through her words.

Peace,
W

Crap, one more thing. I got an email from a friend asking me about the song I quoted in the post "Things Left Behind." The band, Once Hush was a local band that put out a couple of indie cd's before they broke up a few years ago. I keep an eye out for copies of their cd's just so I can give them to friends. I don't think I would get in a ton of trouble if I sent copies of the song to anyone interested. Just email me at wmhoyt@gmail.com.

UPDATE - Once Hush has a Myspace page and on that page there are a few songs that you can listen too. No Apologies is there.

Once Hush

And crap again. I want to wish a very special HAPPY BIRTHDAY to a very special girl. So Happy Birthday. I hope your day is a wonderful one.

Making Lemonade

2008-04-29T13:26:00.006-04:00

Pop quiz hotshots -

You are the parent of two children both under the age of 5. Your spouse one day tells you that he/she wants a divorce. They want you to leave the house so the mandatory period of separation can begin.

Now tell me, what do you do?

I kept the question simple and basic for a reason. Forget what the spouse has, is or will do. Just answer the question for what it is.

I can say with little hesitation that I know more about divorce law and specifically Maryland divorce law then most people should or would ever want to. One thing I will address in a latter post is how our country's government is contributing to the decay of our social values making divorce too easy in a lot of states. Luckily, Maryland still makes the process a little more difficult. Not that people don't have a right to divorce, it's just that divorce should be harder then getting a fishing license.

But again I digress....

The cardinal rule in separations/divorces is that you NEVER leave the home. Go ahead and google 'separation and leaving the home', I'll wait......

Ok so now we understand this rule. Never leave your home.

As for what's best for your children, you need to decide that for yourself. I will give you this bit of advice, your first instinct may not be what you really want.

When my wife dropped all of this on me my first instinct was to get the hell out of there. Leave the house, start again. It's what I do, fly when I should fight. And that's exactly what my wife counted on. But then something strange happened.

In a discussion for another time I'll talk about God and what he/she means to me. For now I will say that something happened in the following week that made me utter the following statement. I said 'God, this is way too much for me, I can't deal with it and I will fail in whatever decision I make because I won't be committed to it fully. I will always feel that I should have gone the other way. So God, I'm giving this to you. You need to take care of this. Just give me a sign. Show me what I should do."

And God's response was the following.

A couple of days later Nikki had school and it was our day for either my wife or I to be the teachers helper. The wife decides she wants to do this so while she's at the school, Jessie and I go and do our thing. We return to the school to pick Nikki up as my wife has to rush back to work and can't drop Nikki home on the way. Jessie sees her mother in the parking lot and goes to give her a hug. Afterwards my wife drives away and Jessie pulls me down to eye level with her. She had such a serious look on her face and says, "Mommy goes to work and you take care of us." This was my sign

I am the caretaker of my children. Period. My wife has never (except for one time that I had to go out of town) sat in our home with our children for more then a few hours and even in those instances, she will call me several times asking when I'll be home. This is a fact that I can back up. She has shown no sign that she is capable of taking care of our children while she has shown on several occasions she will harm them. Not to say that she will do this intentionally but she just doesn't understand the consequences of her actions.

So going back to original question, what would you do? And then ask yourself how anyone could blame you for staying with your children.

Ok, so I want to set up the topics for the next couple posts just to keep my thoughts in order. I want to talk about my father, it's really important that I do this. I also want to talk about my wife's friends and family who will blindly offer support while she continues endanger her own health and the well being of her children. What they don't know and what communications I've had with the people closest to her.

And in other news.
We have ticks everywhere. I've found two on myself and one on Nikki today. Nikki asked me why ticks are bad. I told her that some ticks carry a disease called Lyme disease. She then asked me if the disease made you want to eat limes. She's so cute.

And yep, Clem is still running around. I'm surprised he's hung on this long. I'm not yet optimistic about his chances but each day he surprise me

Keep smiling

Call Us Legion for We are Many

2008-04-28T16:43:00.004-04:00

Nicole is very smart. I'm not talking the genius type smart where she's already doing long division. Just that when you show her how to do something she does it, and she wants to do more. And she excels at whatever it is she's doing. She also gets bored very easily. Things don't keep her attention for very long.

Nikki discovered the internet a few months ago and she's been hooked ever since. It took me all of 5 minutes to explain to her about going back, reloading, minimizing windows, etc. and she was off. She loves that there are so many different things to do. She has one site where she can play games with Dora and Boots. She has another site where she gets to see her Littlest Pet Shop pet cat 'Pinky' run around on the screen, buying accessories for her little cat house. Then she has this other site where she gets to paint, and do puzzles, and hide and seek games. NIkki loves the internet.

Today, her mother turned off the internet.

She did this to try to hurt me or maybe so I would stop blogging. I guess something(s) I've written has upset her. I said it before, if you don't like what I write then don't read it. You gotta wonder though, if she would do this to her child and then suggest that we tell NIkki that "the computer is broken", is my wife upset because she believes I'm lying or does she know that I've been telling the truth?

How much more will she be willing to do to her children to get to me?

And here's a truth for her. 3 months ago my wife wrote me an email saying she was going to cut off the internet. This was when she announced that she would no longer be paying for my credit cards. I wrote her back saying that Nikki loved the internet and that because of that I would be willing to pay for it. She then wrote back that if it was for Nikki then she would continue to pay. But it would appear that the more frustrated she gets, the more she takes it out on the kids.

For the love of God, someone please tell me why I should leave my children in her care. The more she does things like this the more my resolve to stay with the girls grows.

Funny thing is, after she does this she tells me that maybe now I'll spend more time with our children. And I'll be the first to admit that I've on the 'net a bit more since she told me she wanted a divorce. I've been researching the law, keeping close ties with friends, and talking to other fathers who've been through this. And let me ask you a question, how easy would it be for you to look into your children's eyes all day long knowing that their world is about to be ripped apart?

And for the last bit of humor in all of this. There is an internet cafe about 3 miles from my house. She can't stop me from telling the truth any more then she can stop the fact that one day, her children will know what she has done to them and to their father. And they will hate her for it.

Something about not destroying the cities of your enemy comes to mind.

Thank you all for your support through this. I can't tell you what it means to me and the children.

William

PS. A big part of me wants to tell Nikki that her mommy turned off the internet, I'm only human.

But I won't 'cause I'm a daddy.

PSS. Sorry, let's go out on a cutie note. Last night Nikki asked me if the boogie man was made out of boogies (kids word for snot fyi). When I told her no, the boogie man was not made out of snot she said then it must be because he likes to dance. Enjoy :)

Yep, it's on my Ipod.

I also have Boogie Fever, Boogie Nights, Boogie No More, and Boogie Wonderland. The apple never falls far from the tree.

Things Left Behind

2008-04-27T20:53:00.008-04:00

Ok, so I know this woman named Michelle. She is my closest and oldest friend. The funny thing is that I never keep in contact with anyone. It's like once they're no longer in my day to day life then I pretty much move on. This isn't the case with Michelle. For some reason that I really can't explain, we've continued to keep in contact for the last 7 years since we stopped working together.

Michelle is beautiful. Always has been, always will be. And it's this quiet beauty that just seems unreal sometimes. Like some motion picture fairy tale beauty where the princess is just too beautiful. But she isn't a princess.

The lady can be one of the guys, or your personal confessor, or just a shoulder to cry on when the world has been pulled out from under your feet. And she's seen me at my worst. She's been the only person who can cut through my bullshit and just lay me out on the table. It's weird.

And yes, of course I put the moves on her once. But just once. We were in the this convenience store parking and I was, as I was usually back then, drunk. We were smoking. I've never seen her smoke before and I think for a brief second she became something less then unobtainable. I was having issues with Zoe (remember her?) and I wanted to hurt her I guess so I tried to kiss Michelle. She just looked into my eyes and said no. And I say this in no way as egotistical, but no one has ever said no before. And maybe that's why she's been my best friend.

I would like to add that she was dating someone at the time that she had to keep secret. So I still consider my record to be intact. Although if we're being totally honest, I asked her sometime later that if she hadn't been seeing anyone would she have kissed me. She said no. I can't blame her.

ANYWAY, I wanted to introduce you to her because she's an important person in my life. She's been keeping my head straight through the suck stuff. And she keeps reminding me that there will be brighter days ahead.

Nicole's name was going to be Michelle but my wife wasn't going for it. I tried.

Clem update. The little guy is hanging in. I still don't see that he's eating much but he likes getting in the pool and doing his laps. We had him out for a bit and I let the girls hold him. He started crawling up Jessies arm and she just squealed with delight. It's a beautiful sound. ALSO...I don't believe that Clem is in fact a Box Turtle. If anyone has any idea as to what he may be please leave a comment. I'll try to post a better picture in a couple hours.

One last thing. I just got through illegally watching August Rush and it was one of the best films I've seen in a long time. If you don't cry you have no soul.

G'night everyone

What About the Wars You Win but Still Lose

2008-04-26T18:50:00.001-04:00

If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.
-sun tzu

The author of The Art of War also wrote that if you know yourself but don't know your enemy then you can expect to lose half the battles. And of course if you don't know yourself nor the enemy then your screwed.

I find that I am reevaluating myself and the enemy on almost a daily basis. While there was a time that I thought I understood what my wife was and wasn't capable of, it's clear to me now that I don't nor did I ever.

However, I do know a few things. I know what I believe in, what I know to be of value, and what I am willing to fight for. And I now understand that I didn't truly know my wife because I could never have imagined myself ever doing the things that she has done.

Every time we read the news about some atrocious act of violence and we think to ourselves 'How could anyone do this', we are reflecting our own sense of humanity onto the situation. We could never imagine ourselves beating up the 86 year old lady so how could anyone do this?

The Art of War has been read by many of the top CEO's in this world. They will almost always reference the book when asked about their strategies in dealing with their competition.

Sun Tzu wrote that one should avoid razing the cities of the enemy as that lessens the value of the victory. When you gain control of your enemies lands, would you not have them be prosperous rather than burnt to the ground?

*Note to self - Give wife copy of The Art of War for Mothers Day.

As hard as this may be to believe, I've been somewhat kind when I write about that actions of my wife. Maybe not kind in the caring, compassionate sense but in the 'hold back a lot' sense. Divorce can be at times somewhat like a war. I know that this divorce especially has it's moments. I'm so tired of being the one who has tried to keep the peace, thinking if it's smooth around here then maybe she'll lighten up a bit. My wife is projecting her anger on to me and she will never lighten up. Her anger of not understanding the things I need to do to be ok with myself. The things that whether she believes it or not are what I feel are best for our children. I thought that somewhere down the road she would lighten up but I was mistaken and that mistake has cost me a few battles. But that's over now.

Lawyers tell me that I should keep a journal of the things that happen with her. They're right.

Laters

Where the Heck is Bruce Willis

2008-04-25T12:05:00.002-04:00

I wanted to start today's post by not apologizing. If you've been offended, or hurt, or disappointed by any of my posts then all I can say is that I'm not doing this for you. This is my space to get some things out of my head. If you can't cope with that then you should stop reading. Really.

And a big thanks to you who have left comments and sent emails. I have never considered myself a witty nor intelligent writer but it seems that some of you do so I'm good with that.

So with that out of the way.

In case you haven't heard, it may be business as usual for the planet earth in the year 2014.

There was a story floating around the web a couple of weeks ago about a German newspaper and it's report that a 14 year old german student had corrected NASA's assessment of the probability that the asteroid Apophis would crash into earth, extinguishing all life. The student showed NASA's it's calculations that the asteroid had a 1 in 450,000 in hitting the earth were incorrect and the chances were in fact 1 in 450. Now I don't know about anyone else but the 1 in 450,000 chance had me a little worried. The 1 in 450 prediction made me pee a little. Luckily for us it turns out that NASA was correct in it assessment of chance for impact in the year 2036. NASA says that while the asteroid cannot be viewed at present due to it's proximity to the sun, they should be getting a good look at it in about 6 years.

...and I have no idea why I thought that this was important to share.

Clem update day 3 -

Clem seems to be doing well. He doesn't seem to be eating much but I don't know how much a 4 day old turtle is supposed to eat. He loves swimming in his pool but his tank is covered in sand. So when he's done and gets out I will wash and dry him so he doesn't have sand sticking to all his turtles places.

2008-04-24T22:07:00.002-04:00

Let's take a cutie break.

Suffer the Children

2008-04-24T12:47:00.005-04:00

My wife takes the kids out on the weekends. She'll go shopping with them or take them to see friends or relatives or whatever. Last weekend she took them to a dog show. Afterwards Nikki was telling me about it and she said "We couldn't find mommys friend *insert name here". I didn't recognize the name so I have no idea who he was but it didn't give me that warm, fuzzy feeling.

During a separation/divorce both parents scramble to gain some normality in their lives. Some bury themselves in work. Some look towards friends and family. And some pursue romantic interests. During all of this scrambling and sometimes even with the best of intentions, we will overlook what our children need or in many cases, what they don't need. Our children don't need to get attached to some new romantic interest that may or may not wind up falling apart.

So while we rush around trying to feel normal again, we should always keep our children in mind. What may be good for us isn't always best for them. The divorce of their parents is hard enough.

And in turtle news.....

Clem has survived the night. He has been wading around in the pool I bought him and he's eating bananas and turtle food. I'm getting optimistic on his chances for survival. But not too optimistic.

Another Mouth to Feed

2008-04-23T17:33:00.005-04:00

This is Clem.

Clem is a turtle. Clem was found on the walkway leading to my front door. Clem is lucky I happened to be looking down while I was walking to the door. Clem is also lucky that I was the one who found him.

I don't know what most people would do if they found a day old box turtle on their front porch. I'm guessing they may put him in a grassy spot and go about their day. Or ignore him all together. Not me, oh no. See I have this weak spot for animals and I have no idea why but I tend to go to great lengths taking care of strays of all kinds. I'm the guy who stops along the highway to see if the dog running along the road has a collar and can be returned to it's home. I'm the guy who pays $800.00 in vet bills on a week old gerbil hoping that it may live despite what the vet says. And unfortunately I'm also the guy who moves dead dogs and cats off of the road because someone loved that animal.

I'm also the guy who spent a whole bunch of money he didn't have to make a home for a day old turtle that probably won't survive the night. And I'm the guy who will probably cry when I find Clem tomorrow.

See you tomorrow.

Paying the Devil His Due

2008-04-23T11:07:00.004-04:00

We got real lucky with Jessie. Nikki had been a handful as an infant. She wasn't able to breast feed because she had a high palette and couldn't create suction. She always seemed cranky and she would wake up quite a few times during the night. I figured that this was normal and luckily it wasn't long before she leveled out.

Jessica was the complete opposite. She was always happy, or so it seemed. She would just smile and laugh all of the time. She slept through most of the night and could sleep through all kinds of noise. She was such a low maintenance child.

So what the hell happened??!!!

The terrible twos as they call it seems to have started a year late for Jessica. Nowadays she's a ball of constant whining and crying. She wants everything and she wants it now. With Nikki you could explain that she couldn't have something and most of the time she was cool. Jessie will either throw a tantrum or just keep bugging you about it. And she can go on all day. Nothing to do but to ride it out I guess.

Before I go I wanted to give myself a pat on the back. Last night I did something that was totally not me but it was such a positive step. I can't go into it unfortunately but be happy for me all the same.

And next....An addition to the family.

Just Another Rainy Day Without You

2008-04-21T22:07:00.004-04:00

Jessie and I play this game. It's called 'I Love You More Than'. She will start by saying 'daddy, I love you more than cookies'. I return "I love you more then football". Then she'll go "I love you more than Hanna Montana". Every once in a while I'll say something that she knows I love like, "I love you more than coffee" and her eyes will get really wide and say 'Ohhhhhh..." That's when she knows I love her. And when she says "daddy, I love you more than chocolate" well, thats when I know she loves me.

She is an amazing little chubby ball of love. I was cleaning the kitchen today when she came in, kissed me on my knee then skipped out of the kitchen. She can make me cry.

Today was a pretty slow day around the homestead. It rained all day long, sapping pretty much all of my energy but I was able to get some cleaning done. The living room is a nightmare mainly because I've spent the last 3 months sleeping on the couch. But I got most of what I wanted done taken care of.

I sent out quite a few email, got quite a few responses. Debbie, sweetie, I need to hear from you. Even if the news is bad.

Heard from my DC/LA/Russian friend. She's a blast to talk to. She has all of this energy and it really comes across in her writings. I can't wait for her to get back here. There was a time long, long ago when I was able to hold more then my share when it came to drinking. She was one of a handful of people who I've known who could keep up. Hurry back darling, we have many drinks to drink and tales to tell.

Night everyone.

9 Pieces of 8

2008-04-21T11:16:00.002-04:00

I want to thank Dylan for posting this link - http://www.surfthechannel.com/

It's evil and wrong in so many different ways. It's like you didn't murder the guy but you're hiding the gun that killed him underneath you bed. It was a huge time sink for me this weekend and I missed going to the gym Sunday but what can you do.

I am glad I have two girls and not boys. When the doctor told us that we were having a girl, a wave of relief washed over me.

I love my father. He's done some crazy things in his life, things that I don't like. But at the end of the day I love him. The thing is, he spent so much time and energy trying to guide my brother and I through the hard parts in life using his own experience as reference. And when we still screwed it up he blamed himself. A lot.

But yay for me, I don't have that problems with girls. I mean sure right now I have to teach them the basic stuff like looking both ways before you cross the street, or to flush after you use the potty, and you don't lick rocks no matter how pretty they are. But for the big life issues I can just tell them what I think and hope it all works out. So thats cool.

However, and guys listen to this very, very closely and try not to puke afterwards......when your daughters grow up they will marry a guy just like you. So if you're an alcoholic wife beater chances are good that you're daughter will be looking for the trouble. Take that to heart and try to be a better father.

Anyway, gotta go hug my kids now. We'll pick this up later.