My Morning With Elmo

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time to read my rants and ramblings. I especially want to thank those of you (with the exception of the scam links) who have felt compelled to share your own thoughts with me. I honestly can not begin to express how I feel when I read all of your comments. They mean so much. So again, thank you all.

I started this as an outlet for my anger and frustration over the things that were happening to me during a very tough time in my life. And while the anger will probably never go away, the frustration of feeling so helpless is gone. The only thing that she and I have in common is our children and thank god that there are rules set in place by the courts as to how she and I will raise them. But getting to the point where she doesn't have a say in when I get to see my girls or how I raise them took almost two years and that period in time sucked.....big time.

To all you guys (and ladies) out there who may be going though this hell, I want to say that there is a light at the end of it all and you just have to keep your faith that things will get better.

The biggest complaint I've come across concerning parents and their desire to spend time with their children is that the other parent involved makes it all such a hassle. I've read stories how one parent will bad mouth another or how when exchanging the children, one of the parents will just tear into the other parent. All of this in front of the children. Been there. Here's some advice.

1. Make the exchange location a public area. This doesn't always help because some people will make a scene regardless of where they are but it is something to try.

2. Bring a friend or relative with you. If the ex or soon to be doesn't have a problem bitching you out in public then this probably won't be too effective however it may help especially if you have the child's grandparent or uncle with you. If you bring a friend try bring someone who is the same sex as you. Dads bring a guy friend. The benefit to bringing a friend or relative is that you will have someone who can testify on your behalf if you ever need to go to court.

3. Pick your kids up from school or a friends house. Take the other parent out of the equation altogether. This is what I do 90% of the time and it has worked out well. If I have to return the kids to her house then I just park at the end of the driveway, give my hugs and kisses in the car then send them to the house.

I'm sure there are a few more ideas out there. Share them with me if you have some. I'm just tired of the excuse that some parents use about how the ex makes things so difficult and that's why they don't see their children as often as they would like. It's a cop out and it makes you sound weak. If everything else fails then petition of courts. They are your children and if you truly want to be with them than no power in the universe should stop you. Especially your bitter and pitiful ex.

Like I said, anger and helplessness were the catalyst for this blog but I would like it to grow into something better. I'm going to try to give you all advice, ideas and tools that hopefully will help you get back to where you need to be in your lives. You may be going through divorce or maybe you already are divorced. Whatever your situation, your children need you in their lives. And there is nothing more noble or worthwhile than being a good parent.

Be back soon,
W

Nothing Witty

Ok, by a show of hands I would like to know how many of you divorced daddy's out there are actively involved in your childrens lives.

Really??? 'Cause studies suggest that 8 out of 10 of you with your hands raised are lying your f@%king asses off. So if we have around 1 million divorces a year that involve children (this number is a bit dated but let's imagine this number hasn't increased too much), 800,000 of you 'men' spend less than 10 hours a week with your children. Is it really any wonder why teen suicides, pregnancies, dropouts, and runaways are so high and increasing every single minute.

But what do you guys care right? I mean, your ex is a bitch and she makes seeing your kids such a hassle. Besides you have a new life now with new problems and responsibilities. Maybe you have a new girlfriend and your too busy ignoring her kids to be thinking about spending an afternoon with your own children.

Seriously if I could take you all down to the river and chain anchors around your necks....


What you men fail to understand, what most men actually have problems with (in my opinion of course) is that you know how easy it is to prevent bad things from happening but you take little interest in doing the things you should to make sure that things don't get too out of control. When was the last time any of you had a physical checkup?? Better to have a finger up the butt now than an entire Hubble telescope and 5 NASA engineers probe your ass later.

So how about this. You are at work one day and you see a bunch of guys hanging out at the coffee machine laughing and joking. No one will tell you what's so funny. You come to find out later that somebody came across a video of your daughter on the internet doing things....well you get the idea. That's right daddy, your little Annie is doing what you thought only others guys daughters sometimes wind up doing. Of course you never thought of those other girls as somebody's daughter did you?

Or......

That boy of yours, the one that made you feel so proud of yourself has, at the age of 17, just dropped out of school. But he had to cause guess what, he's about to become a daddy too. Maybe he'll be a better father than you were. Don't count on it though because really, he didn't have much of a role model did he? Don't expect much of a Fathers Day gift this year. Pizza delivery guys don't make all that much.

Or.......

The ex has a new boyfriend. Great news right? Maybe she'll be less of a bitch or at least not have as much energy to bitch at you now that she has someone else to bitch at. But this new boyfriend has a thing for touching young children......that's right, let that sink in a bit. IT SUCKS BUT IT FUCKING HAPPENS AND WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUR CHILDREN ARE GOING TO GO TO FOR HELP!!!!! NO ONE!!!!! Think about it.

Or.....

You die alone because no one gives a shit about your sorry, pathetic ass.



And this happens all the time. But it doesn't have to. Not to you.


Fraternal instinct is no better nor worse than maternal instinct. To say that women are better nurturers or caregivers is crap and a cop out. Yes, I was lucky in that I was able to form a very deep and personal bond with my girls that most men and women are not afforded the time to achieve. I'm no better a parent because of it but I am tied to my children forever because of it. Maybe you missed the first steps, or the first words or whatever but there are so many things, so many wonderful things to come in their lives. Don't miss out on them because someday you may regret it.

And regrets suck. Trust me.


More to come.

W

You Can't Tuna Fish

Ok, let's all just pretend that I've been keeping up this blog for the last year and you all have been somewhat entertained. We'll just go from there.

If I suggest that sexual bias is alive and well in the divorce courts of Maryland doubt that I would get a lot of people arguing with me. HOWEVER, if I suggested that sexual bias played a role in my divorce hearing I would probably sound angry and bitter and I don't wanna sound that way. I'll just recap everything and we'll move on.

The custody evaluator insisted that the girls needed a primary residence. She decided that since I had no house, no job, no money, and no relatives in the area, my then soon to be ex should have primary physical custody of the girls. I have them for 12 days out of the month plus I pick them up from school and take them to dinner or whatever every other Monday. It's so close to a 50/50 split that I'm not too concerned with the label of Primary anything. We both share legal custody of the girls with mediation in the event that we are unable to agree on anything.

As far as the other stuff goes well let's just say that my lawyer and the judge didn't exactly see eye to eye on what was 'fair'. According to my lawyer there were some things said by the judge that could have been taken as sexually biased and in the end the judge had already made up his on the way this was all going to end. Personally, I was a bit offended but I won't make any comments about what was said as this was all told to me by my lawyer. I was not in the room to hear the statements that were made. I will say that if the comments had been made then it's just a sad commentary on where things still are in the courts.

But as I was leaving the courtroom feeling pretty much beaten and abused, a Maryland State Trooper who had been sitting in the back stood up, stuck out his hand and said that "I was his hero"

I've been told by the though my lawyer that my ex's lawyer would rather I not say anything else about my ex and that there could be more court stuff if I do. I'm not sure I can do that. Actually I'm pretty sure I can't do that. We'll see how it goes. I think I have a right or two if I'm not mistaken. Or did she take those too??

I'll be back soon. Lots, and lots of stuff still to tell.

Love,
W

Take Me To The Other Side

I decided to write today in hopes of clearing my head a bit. It usually helps to write. Maybe it will now. Read along if you're so inclined.

We all learn the an important lesson, maybe the most important lesson, at a very early age. And that lesson is that life isn't always fair. Bad things happen to good people, good things happen to the bad. The karma wheel just keeps on rolling seemingly ignoring the people who need it most.

I'm driving down the highway one day when some @#$$% pulls up behind me, tailgates me for about 2 miles then swerves into the next lane cutting off the person beside him. He then zooms off down the road. So why am I the one who the police pull over for a broken brake light??!!!

I have my divorce hearing in 4 days. I'm trying to keep quiet until then. Let me just say (and I will tell you all about it afterwards) that I already know how this one is going to end. And no, justice won't be done that day. Ahhhhh karma is one fickle little bitch.

See you all in a few,

W

LOUD

I think that a big part of my problem right now is that I'm not really sure who I am anymore. So much of my life for the last five years had been spent raising two little girls and when that changed it left a huge void. Even after almost a year I'm still trying to figure out where I belong in the world.

Feeling the way I do has made it hard to write in this blog because I can see all the sentences going round and round in circles of nonsense with no apparent direction. I spend too much time editing my thoughts. The writing gets bogged down with me trying to explain what I meant instead of just leaving it up to you all to figure out for yourselves.

But there hasn't been a day that's gone by where I didn't have a thought or two that I wanted to put down here. So I'll try one last time. I think I have something to say. I'll let you all decide if it's important or not.

My next post will be about alienation and how children get caught in the middle.

Good Girls Don't.........

Sorry that it's taken me so long to get back here. I've had a ton to write about but I've been lacking the discipline it takes to sit at the computer and get it all out. I'll try harder this year.

The wife and I went before the judge in a preliminary hearing to establish temporary custody and support issues. The ruling gave me most of what we were asking for and I believe that the judge did what he thought was best for the girls. My wife told me that she was planning on appealing the judgement and when that didn't work they would be asking for a stay that would basically delay any action ordered by the judge. This is all about the money. The judge ruled that she owed me money retroactive to the order and she doesn't want to pay. Not much to do about it but to let the system do it's job.

We've been given 50/50 custody (both legal and physical) of the girls for now. I'm pretty happy with the way things were laid out in the court order. The judge asked that we both try to work together when making legal decisions for the girls and if we reached an issue that we could not agree upon we were each given the power to make the final decision in certain areas. For example, if we could not agree on what school the girls would go to next year then my wife would have the power to make the final decision. Likewise, if we disagreed on a health issue then I would have the final say. I had not unheard of it being done this way as it promotes communication between the parents.

Physical custody of the girls is a 7/7 schedule meaning that the girls are with me one week then with the wife the following week. Neither the wife nor I feel that this is working for the girls so we are discussing alternatives. The professionals I have talked to seem to feel that 7 days is too long for a child to go without seeing the other parent and I agree. Nikki appears to be 'ok' but I think it's much harder on Jessie. Anyway, my wife and I with the help of the custody evaluator are working towards a schedule that is better for the girls.

So this has been more of a legal update. I will fill you all in on the more personal stuff next time.

Jacob if you're reading this I wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with you.

Raspberry Beret

I am proud that The United States as a people came together and decided that the time was right for a black man to lead us. Whether he was the correct choice remains to be seen but for today let's all just take a moment and really think about what this means in terms as a milestone for this country. It was a big step. 

Do not however believe that this wasn't, at least in some part about color. Plenty of people voted for Obama BECAUSE he was black, just as many voted against him for that very reason. Maybe someday it won't matter what color your skin is. Maybe someday it won't matter if you're male. Maybe someday it will be about a persons character and what they stand for that solely elects a person to the presidency of this country. I hope I'm around to see that day.

And just as I am proud of what we have done, I am ashamed of what we have undone.

Proposition 8 which amended the State of California's Constitution and overturned the California Supreme Courts ruling now bans same sex marriage. What the hell are you people thinking. I love California, I was born in San Diego and I have always considered the state to be one of open mindness and acceptance. To see that Prop 8 passed is disturbing on so many levels.

I am tempted to start blasting all the religious organizations who would throw the bible at this and state how God hates gays. God doesn't hate gays. Personally I don't believe that God hates anyone. But I'm pretty sure that if He/She/It did hate, it would be those who assume to have the knowledge of His/Hers/Its hate that would anger Him/Her/It the most. 

In a world that desperately needs all the love it can get, why are we so quick to shut down the idea of two people, regardless of race or religion or sex....oh wait, people of different religions and races may get legally married in this country. Why the hell are we so worried about what two people of the same sex do together?

Considering how the concept of marriage has been abused by the heterosexuals, maybe it's time to give someone else a try.

I know that I touched on a lot of tender subjects. Let's see we had colored people, gays, bible thumpers, hell, I even threw in the idea of a woman president. I didn't mean to offend anyone and I'm sorry if I did. I just ask you to open your mind to a new idea or two if even just for a second and look at it from outside of the boxes you have built for yourselves. 

This post is officially over. Feel free to return to your boxes.