First, I want to thank you for your emails. I can honestly say that they were 95% of the reason as to why I decided to continue to not only blog but to do so in an open forum available to anyone who stumbles upon it.
Divorce is hard no matter which side of it your on. Those of us who wake up to find that the one we married no longer wants us tend to blame ourselves asking what we could have done to prevent it. Our egos get cut to pieces and for a long time we are unable to trust anyone or anything. Happiness scares us as we believe that it can't last. And it takes time before we can be ok with the worlds inherent uncertainty.....if we are able to ever be truly ok again.
If you're the one who is leaving the marriage you have your own issues. Anger tends to be a big one. People tend to make their biggest life changes during times of adversity and will often believe that they are 'victims' of the situation. As such, we (as I have played this role before) feel that we did what we were forced to do. Regardless of whether the decision to divorce your spouse was in fact the best thing, when you feel that it was the only way to go you can often become angry and feel as if control of your life has been taken away.
The trick to life as I see it is very simple. Sometimes it's not so much what we do as it is how we do it. Put the hurt behind you as quickly as you can and try to remember that regardless of which side you're on, there is someone on the other side who you once cared about and who is hurting more then he or she can say. If you can take the time and effort to understand that pain and go forward with sympathy I promise that you feel much better about it all and about yourself.
Daniel, I know that the decision has been made in regards to you and your wife's future together. And while nothing is ever done that can't be undone, I truly wish you both the best and that you two can find peace with yourselves and each other soon.
Friday, October 17, 2008
In the state of Maryland, when parents are having trouble working out custody issues, the courts will often order mediation. So for 4 hours and $600 I get to sit across from a woman who I can't stand to look at while she tries to excuse the things she's done as if I (or the mediator) gives a rats hairy butt about what she's saying. Well, ok, maybe the mediator gives a butt......
Look, I will be the first to admit that I have no clue as to what goes on with my children when they are at my stbx's (soon (but not soon enough) to be ex) house. But if the last five years is any indication of her care giving then I have real concerns for the well being of my children. Am I supposed to say 'Oh sure, you've been phoning in the whole 'mothering' thing for the last five years but you're probably doing a much better job now. Go ahead and raise my kids as you see fit.'
What I need to happen is exactly the thing the courts don't want to have happen. See the courts feel, and I somewhat agree, that the parents are best equipped to make the decisions for their children. The courts will send parents to mediation in hopes that most if not all of the major issues can be resolved. This just won't work in our case. And I think that this was pretty obvious when the mediator had to separate us shortly after the session started.
What I need to happen is to have a custody evaluator come in and take a look at what's going on behind the closed doors then make a recommendation to the courts. And given our first mediation session, I expect that this will be the only way to resolve things.