Oh Crap.......

I am so not ready for this. 

Ok, so the girl on the left is Nikki, the boy on the right is her um....uh...ah...OK, OK...IT'S HER BOYFRIEND. There I said it, are you all happy??!!!!

His name is Aiden and he is the one boy in Nikki's class of 9 children. Aiden could have his pick of any of the girls and for a while we all thought he had chosen one of the other girls to be his bride-to-be. But she wasn't in class last week and my daughter, taking a page from her fathers playbook, used the opportunity to steal him away. And how did she do this you may ask? Caterpillars. That's right she used insects. Well, she could have used dinosaurs as this is another interest the two share but since dinosaurs don't start coming out 'till the Fall my daughter used bugs. Because as we know, the quickest way to a boys heart is though his uh......thorax. Sorry, I had to say it. :P

However, as much as I'm not ready for Nikki to notice boys, the one she has noticed is by far the sweetest 4 year old boy I have ever met. He's for the most part quiet and polite which is rare for his age. His mother is the coolest person you would ever want to meet and although I've only met his father twice, he seemed like a good guy. So if Aiden is the boy for Nikki, she couldn't have picked a better one.

The following conversation is being relayed to show Aiden's parents what they are getting as a daughter-in-law.

Nikki - Daddy, is poo made out of food?

Me - Yes Nikki, poo is made out of food.

Nikki - Even Desert?

Me - Yep, even desert.

Nikki - Then why doesn't it taste like it?

Yeah, I'm proud of her too.

Hey, Robert, the guy I talked about a few posts ago suggested that I try to get this blog some more attention by submitting it to a few of the blog/father/stay at home fathers sites. You'll notice on the right hand side of this page near the bottom is a blog rater that then goes back to BlogCatalog. I am expecting to be added to a few other sites very soon and I will keep everyone posted. Unfortunately (but really fortunately) my situation is kinda rare and as Robert wrote "It's good to know that I'm not the only guy dealing with this." Maybe we can all be alone together.

Bye

Don't Judge Me Too Harshly

I'm may be a knob but I love these songs - 

Your Love

Go For a Soda

Goody Two Shoes

I Love the Nightlife

Come On Eileen

And believe it or not I use to dress up like the guitarist in this video and dance around with my guitar playing this song.

Boogie Woderland

I got an email tonight that I expected but hoped wouldn't come. I needed some silly songs to make me smile a bit.

Oh yeah, need to throw this one on also

Wish I was Your Lover

The Show Must Go On

ACK!!!! My parents are watching me dance. Ok, relax, no big deal right? Just take off my clothes.......turn on Bob Seager's "Old Time Rock 'n' Roll....and grab a candlestick. Time to dance.

One thing before I start. No matter how bad things may be for you, no matter how much someone you thought loved you turns on you. No matter how alone and helpless you may feel, you have it within you to turn it around. Please believe me when I say that there is someone out there just waiting for a person like you. You just have to find the courage to knock on the door and hope that the one who answers is the one.

And if he/she isn't the one, move on and find a new door.

I wrote earlier about being the father of two girls and how I'm relieved that I don't have to worry about their choices in life that may or may be a result of my words of wisdom. I will raise my girls the best that I can and hopefully be a positive role model. But I'm lucky that I don't have to ever give them the "When I was your age, I went through the same thing you're going through" speech.

My father didn't have it so lucky.

My father was 21 when he married my mother who was 19. My dad was in the service and stationed in San Diego. Things were good for a while and then she became pregnant. This would have been wonderful news had it not been for the fact that she was susposed to be on birth control but had not been taking the pills. My father wigged out a bit but got it together enough to try to make things work.

FYI - For the longest time, and I guess even now I have it in my head that I was responsible for the impending divorce. It's just hard for me not to think it even though I guess I know it's silly.

Anyway, they tried to keep things together and a little more then a year later my brother was born.

I'm not clear on what happened after that. I know he left her and moved to DC to be closer to his mother and my brother and I stayed with our mother.

My dad kinda' lost it. He sank into a severe depression. I know he went through things so bad that I don't even want to talk about them. But somehow he came out the other side of all his darkness and when he did he knew that he had to have his sons with him. So, to make a short story shorter, he went back to the west coast, grabbed my brother and I and headed back to DC. And he raised us by himself for many years until he finally remarried.

But he has this guilt thing going on that while I guess I understand, I just can't accept. Look, the bottom line is that no matter what kind of parent you are, your children will go through hard times, they will screw up, they will get hurt. No matter what you do you can't protect us from the world or ourselves. And he's right, he has done some things that I don't think were the best of choices, but I have almost always agreed with the reasons behind his actions. So he beats himself up but he doesn't take any credit for the most important thing he's ever done.

You need to remember that when he took us from our mother it was the early 70's. Single parents were almost unheard of and a single father, well there may have been like 5 of those in the entire country. But he did it and he did a great job. And guess what, it turns out that my mother turned into a complete diaster and I have no doubt that I would be beyond hope right now if I had been left in her care.

If you want to blame yourself for something then make sure that it's something you had control of in the first place.

And pops, as I go through this crap and I start to drown in all of it, I think about you and how you somehow got all 3 of us through it when you knew you had to. You made a choice that was in no way what was best for you when you chose to raise your two boys and as I look at my girls, your beautiful granddaughters, I know that I'm on the right path.

I love you dad.

Night guys

Let It Roll

I just recently learned that my parents have been reading my blog. I'm ok with it really but it's kinda' like dancing in your room in your underwear only to find your parents have been standing in the doorway watching. No big deal, I've danced in less.

For the last couple of days I've been emailing this guy whose situation is similar to mine. He wrote that his sister had turned him on to the blog a couple of weeks ago and that he could really identify with everything I'm going through. But this guy has it bad. He's 34 and started to be a stay at home dad after an accident at work crushed his left leg and the doctors were forced to amputate. He has a little girl who is 6 but he has reasons to believe that the child isn't his. His wife is an Executive clothes buyer for a department store which means she travels a lot. For months while she was away on business, the wife sent him an email saying that she wasn't in love with him any more and that he needed to start packing his things.

A FRIKKIN EMAIL? That is messed up. He called his wife after he read the email and asked her what she expected to happen with their daughter as the wife is away on business a lot. She said that she would get a live in sitter to stay with the daughter while the wife wasn't home.

He wrote this "After I hung up the phone, I went and poured a drink. I sat there for a long time just trying to absorb everything. I couldn't believe this was happening but I guess in the back of my mind I figured that it was only a matter of time." He went on discussing the things his wife did and the way she had been acting lately. It was obvious to him and his friends and family that she was cheating. He lived with it because he knew that after the accident he obviously wasn't the same guy and that part of him didn't blame his wife. But he said the big reason he ignored it was for his daughter. A daughter that may or may not even be his.

He then wrote the following "Being a parent isn't about whose blood is flowing through the child's veins. Anyone who is in love with their adopted child would understand this. Being a parent is loving the child regardless of all that. Being a parent means that you would move the world to protect your child from any harm. Being a parent is about loving unconditionally."

I will never forget those words.

He lives in a state where the laws on divorce are similar to mine. His wife is doing a bunch of evil crap to get him to leave. He knows she doesn't care about the child as much as she wants to keep up appearances that she is a loving mother. He wrote that like everything, some days are harder then others but that he would never change his mind about his decision to stay with his girl. He is committed to this and he is getting a lot of support.

He also said this, "Sometimes at the end of a really bad day, I'll reread your posts for the millionth time and knowing that I'm not the only one married to a psycho bitch makes the things that are happening to me easier to take."

Thanks a lot Robert...no pressure at all :P

Ok, I'm 5 posts ahead. Which means I've got 5 ready to go but I don't want to post too much to keep up with. I do hope to post one more today after me and the girls get back from Toys 'R' Us.

Also, if you don't read the comments section please read the comment from Bubble Wrap Girl in the last post. She has said everything I've been trying to say. The one thing I love about her comment is that you can just feel how committed she is to her children through her words.

Peace,
W

Crap, one more thing. I got an email from a friend asking me about the song I quoted in the post "Things Left Behind." The band, Once Hush was a local band that put out a couple of indie cd's before they broke up a few years ago. I keep an eye out for copies of their cd's just so I can give them to friends. I don't think I would get in a ton of trouble if I sent copies of the song to anyone interested. Just email me at wmhoyt@gmail.com.

UPDATE - Once Hush has a Myspace page and on that page there are a few songs that you can listen too. No Apologies is there. 

Once Hush

And crap again. I want to wish a very special HAPPY BIRTHDAY to a very special girl. So Happy Birthday. I hope your day is a wonderful one.

Making Lemonade

Pop quiz hotshots -

You are the parent of two children both under the age of 5. Your spouse one day tells you that he/she wants a divorce. They want you to leave the house so the mandatory period of separation can begin.

Now tell me, what do you do?

I kept the question simple and basic for a reason. Forget what the spouse has, is or will do. Just answer the question for what it is.

I can say with little hesitation that I know more about divorce law and specifically Maryland divorce law then most people should or would ever want to. One thing I will address in a latter post is how our country's government is contributing to the decay of our social values making divorce too easy in a lot of states. Luckily, Maryland still makes the process a little more difficult. Not that people don't have a right to divorce, it's just that divorce should be harder then getting a fishing license.

But again I digress....

The cardinal rule in separations/divorces is that you NEVER leave the home. Go ahead and google 'separation and leaving the home', I'll wait......

Ok so now we understand this rule. Never leave your home.

As for what's best for your children, you need to decide that for yourself. I will give you this bit of advice, your first instinct may not be what you really want.

When my wife dropped all of this on me my first instinct was to get the hell out of there. Leave the house, start again. It's what I do, fly when I should fight. And that's exactly what my wife counted on. But then something strange happened.

In a discussion for another time I'll talk about God and what he/she means to me. For now I will say that something happened in the following week that made me utter the following statement. I said 'God, this is way too much for me, I can't deal with it and I will fail in whatever decision I make because I won't be committed to it fully. I will always feel that I should have gone the other way. So God, I'm giving this to you. You need to take care of this. Just give me a sign. Show me what I should do."

And God's response was the following.

A couple of days later Nikki had school and it was our day for either my wife or I to be the teachers helper. The wife decides she wants to do this so while she's at the school, Jessie and I go and do our thing. We return to the school to pick Nikki up as my wife has to rush back to work and can't drop Nikki home on the way. Jessie sees her mother in the parking lot and goes to give her a hug. Afterwards my wife drives away and Jessie pulls me down to eye level with her. She had such a serious look on her face and says, "Mommy goes to work and you take care of us." This was my sign

I am the caretaker of my children. Period. My wife has never (except for one time that I had to go out of town) sat in our home with our children for more then a few hours and even in those instances, she will call me several times asking when I'll be home. This is a fact that I can back up. She has shown no sign that she is capable of taking care of our children while she has shown on several occasions she will harm them. Not to say that she will do this intentionally but she just doesn't understand the consequences of her actions.

So going back to original question, what would you do? And then ask yourself how anyone could blame you for staying with your children.


Ok, so I want to set up the topics for the next couple posts just to keep my thoughts in order. I want to talk about my father, it's really important that I do this. I also want to talk about my wife's friends and family who will blindly offer support while she continues endanger her own health and the well being of her children. What they don't know and what communications I've had with the people closest to her.

And in other news.
We have ticks everywhere. I've found two on myself and one on Nikki today. Nikki asked me why ticks are bad. I told her that some ticks carry a disease called Lyme disease. She then asked me if the disease made you want to eat limes. She's so cute.

And yep, Clem is still running around. I'm surprised he's hung on this long. I'm not yet optimistic about his chances but each day he surprise me

Keep smiling

Call Us Legion for We are Many

Nicole is very smart. I'm not talking the genius type smart where she's already doing long division. Just that when you show her how to do something she does it, and she wants to do more. And she excels at whatever it is she's doing. She also gets bored very easily. Things don't keep her attention for very long.

Nikki discovered the internet a few months ago and she's been hooked ever since. It took me all of 5 minutes to explain to her about going back, reloading, minimizing windows, etc. and she was off. She loves that there are so many different things to do. She has one site where she can play games with Dora and Boots. She has another site where she gets to see her Littlest Pet Shop pet cat 'Pinky' run around on the screen, buying accessories for her little cat house. Then she has this other site where she gets to paint, and do puzzles, and hide and seek games. NIkki loves the internet.

Today, her mother turned off the internet.

She did this to try to hurt me or maybe so I would stop blogging. I guess something(s) I've written has upset her. I said it before, if you don't like what I write then don't read it. You gotta wonder though, if she would do this to her child and then suggest that we tell NIkki that "the computer is broken", is my wife upset because she believes I'm lying or does she know that I've been telling the truth?

How much more will she be willing to do to her children to get to me?

And here's a truth for her. 3 months ago my wife wrote me an email saying she was going to cut off the internet. This was when she announced that she would no longer be paying for my credit cards. I wrote her back saying that Nikki loved the internet and that because of that I would be willing to pay for it. She then wrote back that if it was for Nikki then she would continue to pay. But it would appear that the more frustrated she gets, the more she takes it out on the kids.

For the love of God, someone please tell me why I should leave my children in her care. The more she does things like this the more my resolve to stay with the girls grows.

Funny thing is, after she does this she tells me that maybe now I'll spend more time with our children. And I'll be the first to admit that I've on the 'net a bit more since she told me she wanted a divorce. I've been researching the law, keeping close ties with friends, and talking to other fathers who've been through this. And let me ask you a question, how easy would it be for you to look into your children's eyes all day long knowing that their world is about to be ripped apart?

And for the last bit of humor in all of this. There is an internet cafe about 3 miles from my house. She can't stop me from telling the truth any more then she can stop the fact that one day, her children will know what she has done to them and to their father. And they will hate her for it.

Something about not destroying the cities of your enemy comes to mind.

Thank you all for your support through this. I can't tell you what it means to me and the children.

William

PS. A big part of me wants to tell Nikki that her mommy turned off the internet, I'm only human.

But I won't 'cause I'm a daddy.

PSS. Sorry, let's go out on a cutie note. Last night Nikki asked me if the boogie man was made out of boogies (kids word for snot fyi). When I told her no, the boogie man was not made out of snot she said then it must be because he likes to dance. Enjoy :)

Yep, it's on my Ipod.

I also have Boogie Fever, Boogie Nights, Boogie No More, and Boogie Wonderland. The apple never falls far from the tree.

Things Left Behind

Ok, so I know this woman named Michelle. She is my closest and oldest friend. The funny thing is that I never keep in contact with anyone. It's like once they're no longer in my day to day life then I pretty much move on. This isn't the case with Michelle. For some reason that I really can't explain, we've continued to keep in contact for the last 7 years since we stopped working together.

Michelle is beautiful. Always has been, always will be. And it's this quiet beauty that just seems unreal sometimes. Like some motion picture fairy tale beauty where the princess is just too beautiful. But she isn't a princess.

The lady can be one of the guys, or your personal confessor, or just a shoulder to cry on when the world has been pulled out from under your feet. And she's seen me at my worst. She's been the only person who can cut through my bullshit and just lay me out on the table. It's weird.

And yes, of course I put the moves on her once. But just once. We were in the this convenience store parking and I was, as I was usually back then, drunk. We were smoking. I've never seen her smoke before and I think for a brief second she became something less then unobtainable. I was having issues with Zoe (remember her?) and I wanted to hurt her I guess so I tried to kiss Michelle. She just looked into my eyes and said no. And I say this in no way as egotistical, but no one has ever said no before. And maybe that's why she's been my best friend.

I would like to add that she was dating someone at the time that she had to keep secret. So I still consider my record to be intact. Although if we're being totally honest, I asked her sometime later that if she hadn't been seeing anyone would she have kissed me. She said no. I can't blame her.

ANYWAY, I wanted to introduce you to her because she's an important person in my life. She's been keeping my head straight through the suck stuff. And she keeps reminding me that there will be brighter days ahead.

Nicole's name was going to be Michelle but my wife wasn't going for it. I tried.

Clem update. The little guy is hanging in. I still don't see that he's eating much but he likes getting in the pool and doing his laps. We had him out for a bit and I let the girls hold him. He started crawling up Jessies arm and she just squealed with delight. It's a beautiful sound. ALSO...I don't believe that Clem is in fact a Box Turtle. If anyone has any idea as to what he may be please leave a comment. I'll try to post a better picture in a couple hours.


One last thing. I just got through illegally watching August Rush and it was one of the best films I've seen in a long time. If you don't cry you have no soul.

G'night everyone

What About the Wars You Win but Still Lose

If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.
-sun tzu

The author of The Art of War also wrote that if you know yourself but don't know your enemy then you can expect to lose half the battles. And of course if you don't know yourself nor the enemy then your screwed.

I find that I am reevaluating myself and the enemy on almost a daily basis. While there was a time that I thought I understood what my wife was and wasn't capable of, it's clear to me now that I don't nor did I ever.

However, I do know a few things. I know what I believe in, what I know to be of value, and what I am willing to fight for. And I now understand that I didn't truly know my wife because I could never have imagined myself ever doing the things that she has done.

Every time we read the news about some atrocious act of violence and we think to ourselves 'How could anyone do this', we are reflecting our own sense of humanity onto the situation. We could never imagine ourselves beating up the 86 year old lady so how could anyone do this?

The Art of War has been read by many of the top CEO's in this world. They will almost always reference the book when asked about their strategies in dealing with their competition.

Sun Tzu wrote that one should avoid razing the cities of the enemy as that lessens the value of the victory. When you gain control of your enemies lands, would you not have them be prosperous rather than burnt to the ground?

*Note to self - Give wife copy of The Art of War for Mothers Day.

As hard as this may be to believe, I've been somewhat kind when I write about that actions of my wife. Maybe not kind in the caring, compassionate sense but in the 'hold back a lot' sense. Divorce can be at times somewhat like a war. I know that this divorce especially has it's moments. I'm so tired of being the one who has tried to keep the peace, thinking if it's smooth around here then maybe she'll lighten up a bit. My wife is projecting her anger on to me and she will never lighten up. Her anger of not understanding the things I need to do to be ok with myself. The things that whether she believes it or not are what I feel are best for our children. I thought that somewhere down the road she would lighten up but I was mistaken and that mistake has cost me a few battles. But that's over now.

Lawyers tell me that I should keep a journal of the things that happen with her. They're right. 

Laters

Where the Heck is Bruce Willis

I wanted to start today's post by not apologizing. If you've been offended, or hurt, or disappointed by any of my posts then all I can say is that I'm not doing this for you. This is my space to get some things out of my head. If you can't cope with that then you should stop reading. Really.

And a big thanks to you who have left comments and sent emails. I have never considered myself a witty nor intelligent writer but it seems that some of you do so I'm good with that.
 

So with that out of the way.

In case you haven't heard, it may be business as usual for the planet earth in the year 2014.

There was a story floating around the web a couple of weeks ago about a German newspaper and it's report that a 14 year old german student had corrected NASA's assessment of the probability that the asteroid Apophis would crash into earth, extinguishing all life. The student showed NASA's it's calculations that the asteroid had a 1 in 450,000 in hitting the earth were incorrect and the chances were in fact 1 in 450. Now I don't know about anyone else but the 1 in 450,000 chance had me a little worried. The 1 in 450 prediction made me pee a little. Luckily for us it turns out that NASA was correct in it assessment of chance for impact in the year 2036. NASA says that while the asteroid cannot be viewed at present due to it's proximity to the sun, they should be getting a good look at it in about 6 years.

...and I have no idea why I thought that this was important to share.

Clem update day 3 -

Clem seems to be doing well. He doesn't seem to be eating much but I don't know how much a 4 day old turtle is supposed to eat. He loves swimming in his pool but his tank is covered in sand. So when he's done and gets out I will wash and dry him so he doesn't have sand sticking to all his turtles places.

Let's take a cutie break. 

Suffer the Children

My wife takes the kids out on the weekends. She'll go shopping with them or take them to see friends or relatives or whatever. Last weekend she took them to a dog show. Afterwards Nikki was telling me about it and she said "We couldn't find mommys friend *insert name here". I didn't recognize the name so I have no idea who he was but it didn't give me that warm, fuzzy feeling.

During a separation/divorce both parents scramble to gain some normality in their lives. Some bury themselves in work. Some look towards friends and family. And some pursue romantic interests. During all of this scrambling and sometimes even with the best of intentions, we will overlook what our children need or in many cases, what they don't need. Our children don't need to get attached to some new romantic interest that may or may not wind up falling apart. 

So while we rush around trying to feel normal again, we should always keep our children in mind. What may be good for us isn't always best for them. The divorce of their parents is hard enough.

And in turtle news.....

Clem has survived the night. He has been wading around in the pool I bought him and he's eating bananas and turtle food. I'm getting optimistic on his chances for survival. But not too optimistic.

Another Mouth to Feed

This is Clem.

Clem is a turtle. Clem was found on the walkway leading to my front door. Clem is lucky I happened to be looking down while I was walking to the door. Clem is also lucky that I was the one who found him.

I don't know what most people would do if they found a day old box turtle on their front porch. I'm guessing they may put him in a grassy spot and go about their day. Or ignore him all together. Not me, oh no. See I have this weak spot for animals and I have no idea why but I tend to go to great lengths taking care of strays of all kinds. I'm the guy who stops along the highway to see if the dog running along the road has a collar and can be returned to it's home. I'm the guy who pays $800.00 in vet bills on a week old gerbil hoping that it may live despite what the vet says. And unfortunately I'm also the guy who moves dead dogs and cats off of the road because someone loved that animal.

I'm also the guy who spent a whole bunch of money he didn't have to make a home for a day old turtle that probably won't survive the night. And I'm the guy who will probably cry when I find Clem tomorrow.

See you tomorrow.

Paying the Devil His Due

We got real lucky with Jessie. Nikki had been a handful as an infant. She wasn't able to breast feed because she had a high palette and couldn't create suction. She always seemed cranky and she would wake up quite a few times during the night. I figured that this was normal and luckily it wasn't long before she leveled out.

Jessica was the complete opposite. She was always happy, or so it seemed. She would just smile and laugh all of the time. She slept through most of the night and could sleep through all kinds of noise. She was such a low maintenance child.

So what the hell happened??!!!

The terrible twos as they call it seems to have started a year late for Jessica. Nowadays she's a ball of constant whining and crying. She wants everything and she wants it now. With Nikki you could explain that she couldn't have something and most of the time she was cool. Jessie will either throw a tantrum or just keep bugging you about it. And she can go on all day. Nothing to do but to ride it out I guess. 

Before I go I wanted to give myself a pat on the back. Last night I did something that was totally not me but it was such a positive step. I can't go into it unfortunately but be happy for me all the same.

And next....An addition to the family. 

Just Another Rainy Day Without You

Jessie and I play this game. It's called 'I Love You More Than'. She will start by saying 'daddy, I love you more than cookies'. I return "I love you more then football". Then she'll go "I love you more than Hanna Montana". Every once in a while I'll say something that she knows I love like, "I love you more than coffee" and her eyes will get really wide and say 'Ohhhhhh..." That's when she knows I love her. And when she says "daddy, I love you more than chocolate" well, thats when I know she loves me.

She is an amazing little chubby ball of love. I was cleaning the kitchen today when she came in, kissed me on my knee then skipped out of the kitchen. She can make me cry.

Today was a pretty slow day around the homestead. It rained all day long, sapping pretty much all of my energy but I was able to get some cleaning done. The living room is a nightmare mainly because I've spent the last 3 months sleeping on the couch. But I got most of what I wanted done taken care of.

I sent out quite a few email, got quite a few responses. Debbie, sweetie, I need to hear from you. Even if the news is bad.

Heard from my DC/LA/Russian friend. She's a blast to talk to. She has all of this energy and it really comes across in her writings. I can't wait for her to get back here. There was a time long, long ago when I was able to hold more then my share when it came to drinking. She was one of a handful of people who I've known who could keep up. Hurry back darling, we have many drinks to drink and tales to tell.

Night everyone.

9 Pieces of 8

I want to thank Dylan for posting this link - http://www.surfthechannel.com/

It's evil and wrong in so many different ways. It's like you didn't murder the guy but you're hiding the gun that killed him underneath you bed. It was a huge time sink for me this weekend and I missed going to the gym Sunday but what can you do.

I am glad I have two girls and not boys. When the doctor told us that we were having a girl, a wave of relief washed over me. 

I love my father. He's done some crazy things in his life, things that I don't like. But at the end of the day I love him. The thing is, he spent so much time and energy trying to guide my brother and I through the hard parts in life using his own experience as reference. And when we still screwed it up he blamed himself. A lot.

But yay for me, I don't have that problems with girls. I mean sure right now I have to teach them the basic stuff like looking both ways before you cross the street, or to flush after you use the potty, and you don't lick rocks no matter how pretty they are. But for the big life issues I can just tell them what I think and hope it all works out. So thats cool.

However, and guys listen to this very, very closely and try not to puke afterwards......when your daughters grow up they will marry a guy just like you. So if you're an alcoholic wife beater chances are good that you're daughter will be looking for the trouble. Take that to heart and try to be a better father.

Anyway, gotta go hug my kids now. We'll pick this up later.

Just Another Day

"Rain and snow are the clouds going potty"
- Nikki

Sorry to start our week on such a horrible topic but I wanted to address something I had touched upon in an earlier post.

This is for the sick motherf#$^&ing, Bleep, bleep, bleepy, bleep..and another bleep, A$$hats who think that children aren't affected by the divorce. That children are resilient. You selfish bastards should be taken out and shot and I'll be happy to reload the guns as often as needed. I'VE THE CIGARETTES AND BLINDFOLDS AND I KNOW WHO I WANT TO GO FIRST.

Children of divorce have a higher rate of depression and suicides. Children of divorce have higher rates of teenage pregnancy. Children of divorce have a greater chance of dropping out of high school. Children of divorce are more likely to run away. Children of divorce have a higher rate of divorces themselves when they get older.

And when I say higher I'm talking double digit higher. But no, children aren't affected by divorce. You f'ing morons.

I dare any of you to read the book "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" by Judith Wallerstein. I will admit that I bought the book and it freaked me out so badly that I was unable to get past the 4th chapter.

And I want to apologize to Nicole and Jessica. I made a promise that I would never get a divorce, no matter what, once I had children. I forgot that you can't make your spouse promise the same.

Now, let's examine the classic line uttered by my soon to be ex..."My parents got divorced and I'm fine"

HA!!!!!! and more HA!!!!!

Ok, so her father leaves her mother for a woman with the same name and I believe she already had a girl with the same name of my wife's. That hurts my head just thinking about it.

My wife's first marriage ended because um....uh, why? Something about no spark and lost interest. K.

She's had 6 jobs in the 10 years I've known her. Reason, because she can't express dissatisfaction and frustration so she either winds up quitting or gets fired because of her attitude. Jobs, relationships....same diff.

*EDITED* (I wrote some unflattering sex stuff that I thought should be deleted ) And wait, before you say 'well maybe that was your fault', I have it on good authority(s) that I'm pretty decent. I can provide references upon request. (But I left the last part cause heh...I'm a guy)

So now she's working on her second divorce at 45 years of age as a mother of two young children.

Kudos, do you want menthol or menthol ultra light? Don't forget take one last look at the pictures to the right of this text.

And I'm sorry if you are new to reading this blog. I'm not usually this bitter. Really. I just care for my children very much.

Let's Take a Break

Just a few things I've been listening to. Hope you hear something you like.

Sister Hazel. I cannot say enough about this band. My wife turned me on to them when we first met and I've been hooked ever since.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKL4oq6IJnQ

The Refreshments - Solid, fun band. No longer together which is sad but Roger Clyne who is the lead singer has a band called Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers and their music is similar. 

"your breath will smell like wine, I like that a lot especially when I kiss you"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxniF0sF8c8&feature=related

Zakk Wylde - Lead guitarist for Ozzy Osbourne and Black Label Society but listen before you judge. I couldn't find a decent live version of this song, sorry.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7RsfZPwAis&feature=related

Henry Lee Summer - Another one hit wonder. He has a different sound and he's a really nice guy. I met him a few years ago as he was walking across the parking lot of the club he was playing at. His girlfriend was pissed that he had stopped to talk to me and my girlfriend but he was cool and we talked for quite awhile. Anyway.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRiVO8-3rkg

Joe Satriani - You may not get this unless you've ever been in love with a girl named Julie.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F4fPv450OYM

The Eagles - My favorite band. The new album is great. The song is meant as a personal commentary.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lt51uPCdOrM&feature=related

Buckcherry - This band was destined to bring back real rock and roll but they fell apart before that dream was reliazed. Luckily they got it together again. Not for the kiddies.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpWpYl6kmNg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-whZO06VoQs&feature=related

...and seriously, wait till the boss leaves your cubicle. I f@#%$in' love this song. Again Julie related :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zu3IqpnjfUs&feature=related

Sum of Our Parts

Yes I write a lot but I'm usually up till 2am or so every night so I have a lot of time.

When you go through a separation/divorce you get the pleasure of going through a whole rainbow of emotions and feelings depending on whether you're holding the pointy stick or you're the one being jabbed in the eye. You know the drill, anger, hate, fear, denial etc.

With fear you can become paralyzed. For me, the only thing that kept me alive at all was my children. I had to be ok for them. I hated that fact but it was a fact and there was nothing I could do about it. So while I was in my day to day daddy mode, William was losing it. My stomach was a constant ball of writhing angry snake. I stopped eating, stopped sleeping. Then one night my heart stopped.

It was just for a few of seconds but I woke but one night to go to the bathroom and I had what I guess may have been a panic attack. I couldn't catch my breath and as I sat down on the tile bathroom floor, I could feel my heart slow down and stop. Somehow I made it back to bed but only because I couldn't find a phone to dial 911.

I had lost 35lbs in a couple weeks, I looked like hell and I felt worse. But the morning after totally surprised I woke up at all, I knew I had to pull it together.

So I ate, then ate again, and then ate some more. I started working out again which was really hard at first but I try to get to the gym 2 or 3 times a week now . The weight came back and I am getting some muscle definition. It's all good, and getting better.

And what's really cool is that I'm getting some confidence. Just because one person treats you like s#!t and makes you feel worthless doesn't mean you are and you have to keep remembering that. If for no other reason then for revenge :)

Now my wife has been falling apart. She has lost a ton of weight and with the weight she has lost all her womanly curves which is really too bad. She looks like a boy and no matter what new clothes she buys, they just hang off of her. I could mention a couple other problems that I know of but I really don't think are appropriate (like that's ever stopped me) but her health worries me. I have no idea what emotion or frame of mind is fueling it but from my own experience, I'm guessing guilt.

And in other news....

While I may lose points and my image of being a good guy may get tarnished a bit I have to admit that I have been thinking a lot about a woman I've known for a while.

I have this theory or concept in progress. Disregarding any spiritual ideas of what purpose our souls serve, I believe that they are somewhat like tuning forks humming our essential being and beliefs. We go around in our day to day lives sending out this soul song while we wait for someone else who's tuning fork is singing the same song. 

Now most of us, I know I'm in this group, get caught up in the worldly trappings, whether they be looks, financial success, or stability. We close our hearts to the soul song because our heads tell us that the attributes in the other person are more important or maybe just because we don't understand our own song.

Anyway, my tuning fork has been very loud and strong around this other person. I hate feeling this because I am still married. No matter what my wife has done, the distance she has created between us, the pain maliciously inflicted, the deceit, I am still married. And this other person, well I shouldn't be thinking about her.

But our songs, no matter how brief, have been harmonious. 

I think I need a drink. See you in a few :)

We Are Gods in the Eyes of Our Children Part 1

This isn't what this is about but I found this to be both sad and funny, 

"SUCKS is actually an acronym for what the vast majority of marriage counselors have been doing to marriages over the last fifty years.

S=Suspends positive solutions from happening
U=Undermines understanding of the person you married
C=Closes off good communication between spouses
K=Knocks one spouse while defending the other
S=Scrambles issues so they appear unsolvable

Which reminds me...

You may or may not be aware of this, but marriage counseling has a high success rate......at DESTROYING marriages."

Copy and pasted from an email I got 

Quickly as to get onto more important things, my wife agreed to go to see a marriage counselor shortly after she announced her plans to divorce. It was me scrambling to open up communications with her and if that failed then maybe she would continue see this therapist as she really needs to talk to someone. For my wife, the session was for her to state in front of someone else that she was, in no uncertain terms, out of this marriage. And this was the only effort my wife decided our 9 year marriage and our children deserved. 

But I'm not bitter :P

And moving on......

Arte and Jen, yes children are totally worth it however some days are more worth it then others. You will never forget the first time you child kicks inside of yours or your spouses tummy. You will never forget their first words or first step or their unsuccessful attempts to catch a butterfly. But you will never forget the time they snuck out the back door and slashed their foot. You will never forget that ambulance ride. You will never forget their screams as they got 8 stitches.  

And just when they are about to jump up and down all over your last nerve, they'll come up to you for no reason and tell you that they love you.

Yeah, it's worth it all.

Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik

I love mornings like this. The sun is out and it's already warm enough to open the windows. The kids are still asleep and after checking my email and with a hot cup of coffee I get to write for a bit.

The night before last I attended a school meeting to discuss school related things. Nikki's school is a co-op which means a couple things. First, tuition is cheap. They really make money off the fundraisers throughout the year. So you go around and sell stuff to your family and coworkers. I don't do this mind you, thats been my wife's job. If I had to do it I would just write a check and be done with it. So we had to discuss up coming fundraisers. The other interesting thing is that once a month each parent is the teachers helper for a day. The cool thing about this is that you get to watch your child interact with his or her friends and their teacher. Although this isn't really the case with my daughter. See when I co-op my daughter just climbs on me all day. She is very protective of me and HATES it if I play with other kids. Last year I made the mistake of playing with one of the boys in the class. He was really shy and withdrawn and I kinda identified with him. Nikki had a meltdown. She couldn't believe that I would play with another child. As a result she never played with that boy and made it known to me that I was not allowed to play with any other children. She only went to his birthday party because it was at Chuck E. Cheeses.

But I digress.....

Now, the big thing for all us stay at home parents is that after this 45 minute meeting, a few of us go out drinking. It's a big deal for us. The spouses stay home and take care of the children while we go out and drink. It's all we talk about the week before. Who's going to be able to go, what bar should we go to etc. My buddy and social director Stacey had been sick all week and she wasn't able to make it. Her daughter Rose is one of Nikki's best friends. Now I need Stacey to be there. See, even though a few of the moms either know me or know of me because remember, I'm somewhat of an oddity still being one of if not the only full time stay at home dad. There is still even in this small social circle of friends a little uneasiness about having a man in the group. Luckily for me Debbie came out.

Now Debbie is just da bomb. Her son Ashton and Nikki were in the same class last year and would have been in the same class this year except Nikkis birthday is past the cut off date and she had to repeat this year. No big, Rose did too so Nikki was cool with it. You take the best parts of a woman and the best parts of a man, throw them in a cute little body and you have Debbie. As an example, she is a huge Caps fan and is counting the hours till this weekend to see them play. HOWEVER, her main concern that night is that she is able to get her fingernails painted in Caps colors in time for the game. That's Deb.

So we get to the bar, this little hole in the wall german place that has like 15 million different types of beers, and of the 12 women there I know two, Cindy and Debbie. I'm starting to feel the uneasy feeling of being a freak show exhibit again when Debbie starts explaining to the woman how I'm a stay at home dad, and how great I am with the kids, and how I'm getting screwed by my soon to be ex. And all of a sudden I'm one of the girls. And the drinking began. 

Now I should say that I haven't really drank since Nikki was born. I never had a problem going out and getting nice and toasty before she came into my life, as a matter of fact, I was this close at turning drinking into a serious art form. But I just never felt comfortable doing it after Nikki and haven't really been 'drunk' in 4 and a half years. But the streak ended that night. 3 Long Island Iced Teas in about 1 1/2 hours was a nice pace for me. I was having a blast. It was around then that the group started breaking up and the restaurant was closing down. But it was only 9:30. The night was still young.

Debbie, myself, and another one of the moms went to a bar just down the road. We had a couple more drinks and a little food to soak it all up. I felt like a total sports newbie as the two ladies talked about the Caps but it like I said, one of the best nights I've had this year.

Luckily the next morning did not bring the hangover I was expecting and daddy was back to being daddy.

And the Stupidity Continues

So tonight my wife, after being home for about an hour, gets pissed about something and leaves saying she won't be home before the children go to bed. This is just classic her. She's obviously mad at me although I didn't say a word to her so she takes it out on the kids. What a joke. Whatever, it's better for me that she's not here anyway. 

Got an email today from an old friend of mine who I haven't talked to in forever. We worked together a while ago then she ran off to LA. Her email said that she was in Russia but would be coming back to DC shortly. I am totally stoked. This girl was just the most awesome person and I can't wait to for her to come around again. Should have many interesting blogs in the near furture.

Oh, and I need to talk a little bit about my night out last night now that I'm sober. I'll share that tomorrow.

Our Special Time

Nikki goes to school twice a week, Tuesdays and Thursdays from 12 till 2:30. She loves school and she loves her teacher Mrs. Stephanie. One little side note, Mrs. Stephanie is a hotttie. It's actually a little distracting but what can you do.

Being my first daughter, Nikki got a lot of one on one time. She and I used to do everything together. We would go to the mall all the time. We had swimming classes and gymnastics classes. I would read to her and dance with her and a ton of other wonderful things. 

And I feel bad for Jessie. She never really got that time. Everything is her and Nikki. However, every Tuesday and Thursday we have two hours that's just for us. Not a lot of time to do much but we'll go to the Dollar store and get a new princess, or we'll stay home and have a tea party with play dough cookies. Or we'll play dress up where I get to be King and she's my beautiful princess daughter. Sometimes we'll just sit on the couch and watch a movie while she plays with my hair. But every 7 minutes Jessie will look up at me and ask 'Is it time to get Nikki yet'?

I Aim to Misbehave

First things first....I'm a little drunk :)

Second, a huge shout out to the mothers of the children at Mayo Nursery School. It's because of you that I'm drunk but I've had the best night ....god, I've had the best night I've had in a long, long time. Thank you all. Thank you all for making me feel better about myself and about the path I have chosen. 

Debbie, if you ever read this, you are a goddess and I love you to death. Thank you for everything.

Stacey, you were missed. Feel better soon.

PS. Arte and Lola, You are two of the brightest stars in my universe. You have meant more to me then I could ever hope to be able to explain or even understand myself.  I love you both, I hope you can understand that.

Things don't seem all that bleak, but what do I know, I'm drunk. 

Good night

Send Lawyers, Guns, and Money

First of all I want to thank those who have left comments and have been a great source of support. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

My problem right now is that no legal action has been filed. It's kind of like calling the police when you have an argument about who's turn it is to take out the trash. Until a rule or law has been broken there's nothing that can be done. If she had left the house and done this then I could file for abandonment and ask for support. As it stands this isn't an option. Her lawyer has told her not to stop medical payments (I assume) such as insurance and co-pay. Her doing so would be looked upon very harshly when this does go to the courts. She is also providing a meager allowance whenever she feels like it so I can buy a few things for the kids when we go out. And I'm ok on the basic food items although I have a buy my own Cap'n Crunch Berries (hey, we all have our vices). Gas, credit card payments and the rest are on my dime.

As far as legal aid goes, so far I've been S.O.L. A weird thing about about agencies that offer support to low income families is that yes they will handle divorce cases but they base your eligibility on the household income. So the fact that my wife makes a bunch of money disqualifies me. Go figure. 

I have talked to a few lawyers while getting free or low cost consultations. I have also employed an agency that will offer advice for which I pay for monthly. But what it is is what it is. Nothing can be done until one of us leaves. 

My wife loves her money. I'm sure that handing over that retainer to her lawyer gave her quite a few nightmares. In her mind our house is hers, she's been paying for it and she isn't going to leave. If she wants to give me primary custody of my children then I would be happy to take them and leave. But this won't happen either. Also if she leaves, and I'm sure the lawyer has told her this, there is a very good chance that I will be allowed to stay in the house with the children while she makes support payments for at least the duration of the separation. 

So here we are, two gunfighters facing off in the middle of town, waiting for the other to flinch. The question is, is her hormones stronger then my love and concern for the well being of my children. No contest.

And one final note to all you 'men' out there who are so hard up that you're willing to break up a family, on my scum list you all are right below pedophile priests and the brainiac who cancelled Firefly. 

Next - I'm though running, I aim to misbehave.

There's a Two Ton Gorilla in My Living Room

Ok, I need to wrap up the whole divorce thing and move on. So hopefully this will be the last post about it and we can show the big ape to the door.

Question number 1 - Why does my wife want a divorce?

Answer - No frikkin' idea. Really. When we were talking she threw out all these reasons which I don't think was convincing even to her. On a whim I researched the idea of adultery. Lots of sites will give lots of signs to look for if you suspect that you're spouse is cheating. Due to some legal stuff I can't tell you how many of those signs applied to my situation. She's gone, it doesn't matter and considering the fact that she would do this at all changes my whole way of thinking about her and I. I knew her to be selfish and unfeeling, I just never knew how deep those traits really were. 

Adultery does bring up a question I've had and discussed with others, tell me what you think. I threw out a couple statistics in my last post about the percentages of divorces in 1950 and 2006 and here is my 'work in progress' theory. 

It's been said that adultery is not so much a cause of divorce as it is a symptom of a marriage in turmoil. OK, I can get on board with that. Back in the 50's when the workforce was predominately male, women who were for the most part if married homemakers were limited in the amount of interaction they had with males. Does that makes sense? Stay at home moms, although I don't think that term had come into use yet hung out with other moms. Not many men running around. In 2006 the workforce becomes almost a 50-50 split between males and females. So maybe it's about opportunity. Stick with me...we're almost home.

I am going by research and opinion here. There are numbers to support this but the studies are not what I believe to be at all conclusive. When it comes to affairs women tend to fall in love with the other man, and maybe men also fall in love with the other woman. The questions is, is there a difference when it comes to keeping the affair out of the marriage. If we look at the idea that adultery is a symptom and not a cause of divorce and based on the increase of actual divorces, are men able to have an affair and keep it out of the marriage better then women. 

Who knows...maybe I am an ass and my wife is just sick of me :P

Question number 2 - Where do things stand now?

Answer - It's complicated. In Maryland where I live you can get a divorce on 4 or 5 grounds, adultery, abuse, abandonment, and a couple other 'A' words. None of these reasons apply to our situation. You can get a divorce if there is voluntary separation for one year or involuntary separation for two years. And here is where things get interesting I AM NOT FOR ANY REASON LEAVING MY HOUSE. You can't begin to guess how much this pisses off my wife. And it would take a personal call from God herself before I ever leave my children and even then I would have my lawyer talk to God's lawyer first. Now, I'm a stay at home father, guess how much money I've made in the last 5 years. The answer is zero. I am pretty well broke and I was kidding about my lawyer calling God's lawyer, I can't afford a lawyer. But since my wife was able to hire a lawyer and move all the money around BEFORE she told me she wanted a divorce she seems to think she holds all the cards. Their plan, hers and her lawyer's is to wait me out until all my funds are gone then come to me with a settlement agreement that they assume I'll have to sign. My wife is no longer paying for the credit cards that were in my name but used on household expenses. Soon I will be very broke.

One thing that her lawyer and my wife didn't consider was the love between a stay at home parent and their children. My wife never saw the value of being a stay at home parent even though she said that this was what she wanted. Her lawyer probably assumes that I'm like a after work and weekends parent and that eventually I'll bend to her will. The bond between me and my children is greater then any kind of evil BS those two can throw at me. I will always be here, with them. Period.

D-I-V-O-R-C-E Find Out What it Means to Me

Three months ago (0n our 10th anniversary) my wife told me that was no longer happy with our marriage and wanted out. I remember falling to my knees crying and pleading with her to rethink this but what I didn't know then was that she was already gone. No amount of begging was going to change that fact.

Looking back at that night the one fact that jumps out at me was less of a concern about the idea that it would no longer be me and wife together forever, my thoughts were with my children. What would happen to them.

Now, before I go any further there is a group of people who believe that children are resilient and that most get through it just fine. I know how this group thinks as my wife is it's leader and spokesperson. I'll get into this a bit more later but for now I am acknowledging that you people exist and I'll leave it at that.

I will begin to tread on very shaky ground now as since I am as of yet not separated from my wife, the things that I say may be used in any future legal actions involving me and my soon to be ex.  Lawyers can be fun people to talk to.

There is an interesting statistic that states that 3/4 of divorces are initiated by women. 

According to Robin Fretwell Wilson, Law professor of Washington and Lee University, professional women have a slightly higher divorce rate then men. Economist Sylvia Hewlett theorizes that the higher divorce rate is based on these women not being able to give their husbands that care and support they need. I don't know how I feel about this statement as I know plenty of great, successful women who have strong marriages but it's something to consider. The opinion can be drawn that men aren't getting the support they need and in turn poisoning their marriage.

The Census Bureau put the percentage of divorces at around 11% in 1950, in 2006 the rate was just above 50% and is expected to be at or above 60% within the next 10 years. And women will be initiating most of these divorces.

Raising children is a difficult task regardless of the employment situation. It's hard to be a stay at home parent, male or female. True, the deck is a little more stacked against the stay at home dads but this is and will continue to change. 

The thing that both parents need to remind themselves of at all times is that you made choices for the children. Being a stay at home parent is a sacrifice for both parents but the benefits to the child are invaluable. 

But for all you stay at home dads I will say this, based on statistics there is a target on your back and most of you won't hear the bullet slide into the chamber before it tears through your heart.

Rules of Engagement

Should you be a stay at home father? Yes, yes and more yes. HOWEVER, be aware ahead of time as to what you're getting into. According to an article I read, in 2003 (when my first child was born) there were 143,000 fathers who stayed home versus (a bad choice of words) 5.6 million mothers. What does this mean? Well, when a stay at home father goes to the park with his child during a work day, that father was unlikely to meet another stay at home father. Add to this that men are not social creatures by nature AND while you are out with your child you will probably be looked at with suspicion by the stay at home mothers, men are faced with an uphill climb from the get go.

If you are the wife of a current or soon to be stay at home father then take these rules to heart and never forget them.

Rule number 1 - MEN ARE NOT SOCIAL.
We just aren't. This is why we married you. If allowed we will become shut ins. Understand that being in an environment where we are out numbered by women sometimes 30 to 1 is uncomfortable to say the least. Add to this that most of these women look at us like they are looking at an act in a carnival freak show, most men pack up the diaper bags and go home.

Rule number 2 - WE DO NOT CLEAN LIKE YOU WOULD.
For most men (and I say this without doing any extensive research) if it looks clean then it is clean. We tend to straighten more then scrub and never expect us to dust. Laundry? Maybe but we hate sorting, folding, and hanging. Before the child and when both of you worked, the housecleaning was less of a chore. Now you have a child spilling and dumping it's way through the house all day long. If you come home from a long day at work and your house doesn't look like Peter Jackson just got through shooting his latest movie in your living room, give your husband a kiss and a pat on the head for a job well done.

Rule number 3 - NEVER, EVER COMPARE YOUR DAY TO YOUR HUSBANDS.
According to Salary.com, a stay at home mother (sorry dads, we're still behind a bit) should earn $138,000 for the job they do. I'm not bringing this number up as an an argument to support this rule but it should give you pause if the idea that your husband has it made ever enters your mind. At some point in this whole process you two will get into an argument as to who's job is tougher. The fight is not winnable by either side but once started it is near impossible to ever leave behind.

One little interesting tidbit about my adventure as a stay at home father, both of my children stopped taking naps at around 1 year of age. Actually I think Nikki may have stopped at 1 1/2 years. I'm not sure that Jessie ever napped. You would understand what this meant if you were a stay at home parent.

Digging in for another day
Carrying on in my own way
But you know me, I live and die nearly every day
Insanity is having its way with me

These days in the gallows
I'm kneeling at the block with my neck outstretched
And I should have stayed in the shallows
But you know me, I'm in too deep

[CHORUS]
And I'm waiting for another me
One that can change the pain of yesterday
Carry me through another day
And I'm waiting for another me
One in between the burn and the lessons learned
'Cause being me ain't no way to be

Talking law down at Murphy's Bar
Unhappy hour on my own last
Calling me out on my living lie
Looking for luck I can't even buy

Give me one chance at recovering what was lost
And give me one shot at redemption at any cost
Repair my way before it breaks me
Don't break me

Hello, do you notice me
Can't you see that I'm crumbling down
Tired of the same old same
I’m coming to, coming back around

Another Day - Sister Hazel

The Brain and the Princess

When you have more then one child you tend (or at least I do) to label them by the dominant trait that makes them a bit different from each other. This is not to say that the label does not apply to each. I guess it's just the way you would describe them to a stranger which is kinda what I'm doing now.

Nicole was born in October of 2003. She was a product of IVF or In Vitro Fertilization. For those who don't know, this is a procedure that extracts the eggs from a woman and injects them with sperm. The eggs are then placed back into the woman and the hopes are that the eggs are strong enough to divide and grow into a human being. My wife and I decided that this was something we needed to try as having a baby naturally wasn't working. My wife's age and health were a factor. At the time the chances of us being able to conceive a child this way was around 37%. For it to happen on the first try was around 23%  The doctors replaced three eggs (which by the way, OH MY GOD. Triplets?) and on the first try one survived and became Nikki. I am convinced that there was much more then science involved in our success.

Before Nikki was 2 years old she had a vocabulary of over 100 words. By the time she was 3 she was talking in spanish. She could recite which two primary colors to mix to create a secondary color. By 4 years old she was using the word coincidence correctly in conversation. She loves animals and insects of all kinds and has a respect for their care and well being. She has been in fights defending the life of a bug. She wants to be a doctor and Vet when she grows up. She is in many ways her fathers daughter.

My daughter Jessica was born in April of 2005. She was a surprise as she was conceived naturally when my wife and I didn't think that this would be possible for us. My wife would later say to me that she knew having another baby was a mistake.

NOTE TO READER - I stated earlier that one purpose of my blog was to have my thoughts available to my children when they are of age to understand. However, I think that certain things must be written for other readers to get a better understanding of how things are. There will be many things edited before my children are of blog reading age. No child should ever believe that they were a mistake. I know this first hand.

Jessie is my princess. She loves all things pink, fluffy and sparkly. She likes dresses, and shiny shoes. She worships the holy trinity, Snow White, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty. While Nicole was a cranky infant, Jessica was more smiles then tears. She is one of the most affectionate 3 olds I have ever met. She will come up and kiss or hug you for no reason. She loves her big sister and follows her anywhere. She is a pure, wonderful light in my life.

I understand that I may be posting a lot. Please try and follow along as I have a back story to tell before I can really move forward.

A Man Walks Into a Bar....

A man walks into a bar with a duck under one arm and a wheel of swiss cheese under the other. He says to the bartender "My wife wants a divorce". 

That's it, no joke. My wife wants a divorce. 

Now before you start throwing popcorn at the screen while storming out of the theatre demanding your money back I would ask you to read just a little further. This isn't all gloom and doom. 

Blogging is to some a form of therapy. It allows the writer to express thoughts and feelings while remaining anonymous. The blogger may even chose to believe that what they write is important information to be shared and that they are enriching the lives of the readers. For me, this blog is intended to be a legacy to my children. My hope that when they are old enough to understand everything, they may read this and know that this is how I perceive life to be. Right or wrong. With that in mind I'll do my best to stick to the facts as I understand them when and if I discuss the separation and eventual divorce. I do not intend to bad mouth my wife. I hope to record the facts and let the reader believe what they will.

So give me a chance to redeem myself. It's not all gloom and doom as I said before. And as I introduce my two daughters and share with you all some of the things we've experienced, I think the time you spend reading this will be enjoyable. 

Back with more later.

In the Begining

Hello and welcome to my life.

My name is William (not Bill or Will) and I've been a stay at home father to my two girls, Nicole and Jessica, since Nicole was born 4 1/2 years ago. It's been a strange and incredible journey but it has not been without hurdles and obstacles. While being a stay at home parent can be a struggle for even the sanest of people, being a man and staying at home (not to mention that my children are both girls) has been....interesting.  

And it gets more interesting by the minute. Details to follow.