Raspberry Beret

I am proud that The United States as a people came together and decided that the time was right for a black man to lead us. Whether he was the correct choice remains to be seen but for today let's all just take a moment and really think about what this means in terms as a milestone for this country. It was a big step. 

Do not however believe that this wasn't, at least in some part about color. Plenty of people voted for Obama BECAUSE he was black, just as many voted against him for that very reason. Maybe someday it won't matter what color your skin is. Maybe someday it won't matter if you're male. Maybe someday it will be about a persons character and what they stand for that solely elects a person to the presidency of this country. I hope I'm around to see that day.

And just as I am proud of what we have done, I am ashamed of what we have undone.

Proposition 8 which amended the State of California's Constitution and overturned the California Supreme Courts ruling now bans same sex marriage. What the hell are you people thinking. I love California, I was born in San Diego and I have always considered the state to be one of open mindness and acceptance. To see that Prop 8 passed is disturbing on so many levels.

I am tempted to start blasting all the religious organizations who would throw the bible at this and state how God hates gays. God doesn't hate gays. Personally I don't believe that God hates anyone. But I'm pretty sure that if He/She/It did hate, it would be those who assume to have the knowledge of His/Hers/Its hate that would anger Him/Her/It the most. 

In a world that desperately needs all the love it can get, why are we so quick to shut down the idea of two people, regardless of race or religion or sex....oh wait, people of different religions and races may get legally married in this country. Why the hell are we so worried about what two people of the same sex do together?

Considering how the concept of marriage has been abused by the heterosexuals, maybe it's time to give someone else a try.

I know that I touched on a lot of tender subjects. Let's see we had colored people, gays, bible thumpers, hell, I even threw in the idea of a woman president. I didn't mean to offend anyone and I'm sorry if I did. I just ask you to open your mind to a new idea or two if even just for a second and look at it from outside of the boxes you have built for yourselves. 

This post is officially over. Feel free to return to your boxes.

Going to the Philippines

Daniel,

First, I want to thank you for your emails. I can honestly say that they were 95% of the reason as to why I decided to continue to not only blog but to do so in an open forum available to anyone who stumbles upon it.

Divorce is hard no matter which side of it your on. Those of us who wake up to find that the one we married no longer wants us tend to blame ourselves asking what we could have done to prevent it. Our egos get cut to pieces and for a long time we are unable to trust anyone or anything. Happiness scares us as we believe that it can't last. And it takes time before we can be ok with the worlds inherent uncertainty.....if we are able to ever be truly ok again.

If you're the one who is leaving the marriage you have your own issues. Anger tends to be a big one. People tend to make their biggest life changes during times of adversity and will often believe that they are 'victims' of the situation. As such, we (as I have played this role before) feel that we did what we were forced to do. Regardless of whether the decision to divorce your spouse was in fact the best thing, when you feel that it was the only way to go you can often become angry and feel as if control of your life has been taken away.

The trick to life as I see it is very simple. Sometimes it's not so much what we do as it is how we do it. Put the hurt behind you as quickly as you can and try to remember that regardless of which side you're on, there is someone on the other side who you once cared about and who is hurting more then he or she can say. If you can take the time and effort to understand that pain and go forward with sympathy I promise that you feel much better about it all and about yourself.

Daniel, I know that the decision has been made in regards to you and your wife's future together. And while nothing is ever done that can't be undone, I truly wish you both the best and that you two can find peace with yourselves and each other soon.

Your friend,

Me

Say what?

In the state of Maryland, when parents are having trouble working out custody issues, the courts will often order mediation. So for 4 hours and $600 I get to sit across from a woman who I can't stand to look at while she tries to excuse the things she's done as if I (or the mediator) gives a rats hairy butt about what she's saying. Well, ok, maybe the mediator gives a butt......

Look, I will be the first to admit that I have no clue as to what goes on with my children when they are at my stbx's (soon (but not soon enough) to be ex) house. But if the last five years is any indication of her care giving then I have real concerns for the well being of my children. Am I supposed to say 'Oh sure, you've been phoning in the whole 'mothering' thing for the last five years but you're probably doing a much better job now. Go ahead and raise my kids as you see fit.' 

What I need to happen is exactly the thing the courts don't want to have happen. See the courts feel, and I somewhat agree, that the parents are best equipped to make the decisions for their children. The courts will send parents to mediation in hopes that most if not all of the major issues can be resolved. This just won't work in our case. And I think that this was pretty obvious when the mediator had to separate us shortly after the session started. 

What I need to happen is to have a custody evaluator come in and take a look at what's going on behind the closed doors then make a recommendation to the courts. And given our first mediation session, I expect that this will be the only way to resolve things. 

Free

Due to a weird twist of events I have decided that if I'm going to keep writing then it should be here. So for anyone who cares, expect new stuff shortly.

And Missy, thank you for being the first in line. Big smiles to you. 

The clock reads 2:22am and I think it's time for a change.

I've decided that I want to write again but I can't do it out in the open anymore. It's a trade off. On one hand I love the fact that I got emails from people I've never met saying that they read some of my writing and came away with whatever they went away with. But on the other hand, well, have you ever done something knowing that you would get into trouble if you got caught but you did it anyway?? If you have then you'll understand. 

So I am taking the words of a dear friend and I'm starting a new, invitation only bloggy. I'm not sure how it works yet but I will send out an email to you all shortly. You can go to 

http://thelightersideofchaos.blogspot.com. It may send me a notice asking if I want to allow you access. No idea so we'll see.

I hope you all decide to follow me to my new playground. I will do my best to entertain.

Peace,

W

I miss this place.

......and 22 minutes after that line I still don't know what I want to say.

Ok, so going backwards I now have insomnia, the flu/a cold, a goldfish (won by throwing a ping pong ball into a glass vase although it's been heavily argued that the ball was not thrown by anyone I know), a 9 year old dog named Maggie (who loves Burger King french fries and homemade M&M cookies), a $10 a month text messaging plan, a couple new cd's, a daily updated Facebook page, a few new shirts, peppermint soap, over 7k of high end chests opened, a new friend or two, AND a new hair cut that looks a lot like the old hair cut but was much more interesting to get.

I hope to be able to let you all in on the specifics of the ongoing legal battle between my wife and myself regarding our children very shortly. The courts are now involved and things have been put into motion but there is nothing really to say other then things take time. 

So if you feel like pulling out your decoder rings I will try to relay some info in the next few days/weeks. You can always email me if you so desire. Also, I need more Facebook friends so that option is always available to you all.

Anyway, I'll be back later I think.

Back After a Brief Intermssion

I had about 15 bad things happen to me today. I'm done.

The kids are going to the beach next week with their mother and I am thinking about taking that time and getting out of town for a while. 

I may or may not ever write here again. If I made the decision right now then I would probably not continue this. 

I have everyones emails and you all have mine. I will keep in touch regardless of what happens.

See you all soon,

W

The Things We Do For Love

I've been talking to a friend of mine about music and playlists. Playlists for those who aren't in the know are a group of songs that usually follow a theme. In the old days I use to tape songs off of records (way back in the day) then give the tape to whatever girl I was crushin' on at the time. A good playlist might score me a kiss and a bad one well, we won't go there.

ANYWAY

While going through some of my music for this new playlist I'm working on I came across this song. It made me think of Arte and Lola and so I dedicate it to them.

They Stood Up For Love


Naked lovers feel the blood beneath their veins
Electric nerves comunicate
With tiny explosions through our brains
Who is this energy that never left or came?
Give rise to passion the only glory
Of this human story

I give my heart and soul to the one

We spend all of our lives goin out of our minds
Lookin back to our birth, forward to our demise
Even scientists say, everything is just light
Not created, destroyed but eternally bright
Masters in everytime lord in every place
Those who stood up for love down in spite of the hate
In spite of the hate

Who put the flower in the barrel of that gun?
Who lit the candle, started the fire,
Burnt down the fortress, the throne?
Who could house all the refugees in a single shack
Or a lowly bungalow?
Who lives in a different dimension, free from the
Struggles we know?

I give my heart and soul to the one

We spend all of our lives goin out of our minds
Lookin back to our birth, forward to our demise
Even scientists say everything is just light
Not created, destroyed but eternally bright
Masters in everytime lord in every place
Those who stood up for love down in spite of the hate
We spend all of our lives goin out of our minds
They live in the light

We made it to the moon
But we cant make it home
Waitin on a rescue that never comes
Made it to the moon
But we cant make it home
Maybe home is where the heart is given up
To the one, to the one

We spend all of our lives goin out of our minds
Lookin back to our birth, forward to our demise
We spend all of our lives goin out of our minds
They live, they

They stood up for love
Stood up for love
Stood up for love
They stood up for love
Stood up for love
Stood up for love

We spend all of our lives goin out of our minds
Masters in everytime
We spend all of our lives goin out of our minds
Stood up for love

Honky Tonk Women

Give it up for Billy

Power Windows

There is a story behind this song. Maybe I'll get around to talking about it someday.

Ok so I find myself out on that old familiar ledge again. I believe that trepidation can kill a mans soul faster then any bad woman can. Luckily, at least in my experience, the good women outnumber the bad. HOWEVER let us not forget the bad ones are out there. And god give us the wisdom to see 'em coming. Our fears are what screw us up. I wish I could remember that.

My problem, among the many I have listed here already, is that I'm too sensitive. Well rephrase - I'm too sensitive for society's view of men. Too sensitive, too emotional, too open. And the last week or so has made me very conscience of this fact. But you all know that right? I figure most of you who read this knows what's going on in my life at this moment.   No matter how together I may sound (hey, in my head I sound together) I'm really not so much. So I think I throw people off a bit. But I don't want to be like other guys really. Most guys suck and they far outnumber the good guys. Not that I consider myself a good guy but I like to at least think that I'm not one of the bad ones.

...and I wish I could just come out and say stuff on MY blog without worrying because I am so sick of having to mail out decoder rings to everyone who reads this. This blog is beginning to make me feel worse not better. I don't do the holding back thing well. I guess you all know this too. Maybe I should just stop for a while.

In other news, a friend of mine is considering jumping back into the marriage saddle. All I can say is that I wish him all the best. I hope the woman knows what a great guy he is and I hope she says yes. And I truly hope that we can get together one day and have that beer we keep talking about.

Night Guys

I Want it All and I Want it NOW

Tonight I feel happy, I would dare say bordering on schoolgirl giddy. It's been a good night.

In other and totally unrelated news - 

The other day I received an email from a professor from a college in Texas. He asked me to fill out a survey on a study he is doing about stay at home fathers. I checked him out on the web and he seems to have a strong interest on the subject of us stay at home fathers as he has already written a couple of papers on the the subject. I hope the info I gave him helped. Stay at home dads need all the attention and support that they can get.

Ok, I'm off to resume being giddy.......

Night :)

Big City Nights

I'm feeling soulful.

I hope everyone who is reading this understands why I can't talk about a bunch of stuff. Everything is moving towards the courts now and the less I say about things the better. Well, better for my lawyer that is. For me it kinda sucks.

Like being able to open up here. My own virtual Confessional. If you aren't writing your stuff down then maybe you should think about starting. We all have stuff.

My dad writes. He will write and write then throw it all away. Not sure why he does that exactly but it works for him. I'm not really sure why I put it all out in this blog. I mean there are way more personal ways of doing it. But whatever, here I am.

The kids are doing ok. I will be having them here Tuesday and Wednesday. Jessie seems to be doing better than Nikki. Nikki concerns me a bit. She a thinker. I don't think she gets it yet, but then I don't think I get it either. We talk about it and I've been doing my best to help her understand but she's stubborn and if it's not 'her way' then it makes things difficult. 

As for me, my life is getting......interesting. Complicated but interesting. But then those two seem to go hand in hand with me. It's all good though, I'm starting to see some light at the end of this tunnel. I hope to be able to be less cryptic later.

Bye.

Sometimes a backyard fireworks show is better.

Aftershock

I hope god is enjoying the little comedy of my life cause I'm amused.

First the good stuff. I had the girls this weekend. I picked them up at 6 on Friday and on the way home decided that we needed some groceries so we stopped at the store. The girls and I tend to act a bit insane in grocery stores. I'll race them down the aisles in the cart and all kinds of deviant activities. It's really fun to watch the expressions of the other shoppers as I tell Nikki that I don't know who she is and that she should fine her real parents. She starts cracking up saying "you're my real daddy" then she comes up to hug me and I push her away which makes her laugh even harder. Meanwhile I notice the other parents with children just ignoring their kids while they try to get their shopping done. But whatever, I love having the girls around while I shop. It makes things much more fun.

Took them to church yesterday. There is a part of the service called 'children's time' where the kids will go up to the front and Reverend Betty will have a little sermon for them. Jessie is usually the only child as Nikki will go with Mrs. Holly to the nursery. Jessie will not go to the front unless me or my wife goes with her. So yesterday we go to the front and Reverend Betty starts to talk and she asks Jessie a question. BIG MISTAKE. Jessie, my little talker, starts talking about a splinter in Nikki's foot and she just goes on and on but she's so cute that Reverend Betty doesn't interrupt her. And I look at the people and they're all cracking up. This goes on for 5 minutes of Jessie just blabbering. I have tears in my eyes cause I'm laughing trying not to laugh and as we walk back to our seats people are literally doubled over laughing. Last weekend people were actually clapping for her. It's too funny. So we get back to our seat and Jessie tells me that she has to go to the bathroom. I take her to the bathroom and she starts looking in the mirror. I ask her if she has to go potty and she says 'nope, I just want to look at myself." That's my baby.

After church I take the girls to the mall for lunch and to let them run around a bit. We walk by salon where the girl cuts my hair works. In my defense I would like to state that I have known her for over 6 years and the only reason I go to a hair salon is because that's where she works now. The girls see her and they start banging on the window and she waves to them. I think, 'you know, I could probably use a hair cut' so we go in to make an appointment. She comes up, says hi to the kids and says to me "you jinxed me, I just separated from my husband" and it felt like someone just kicked me in the stomach. 

For a while there it felt like nothing had changed. The girls and I were out running around. We'd go home and mommy would be there and we would all be a family. Then to hear that a friend would soon be going through this very difficult process with a child who deserves better .....it's too hard to handle.

Night

The Dark Defender

Last night/early this morning I hosted a Dexter marathon.

For those of you who don't know, Dexter is a Showtime series about a serial killer. The twist in this overused plot is that 1. Dexter works for a forensics lab in Miami and 2. He only kills killers.

The role of Dexter is played by Michael C. Hall. Hall is most noted for his role as the homosexual brother on 6 Feet Under (another show I loved). Dexter as a child was orphaned when his mother was chained sawed to death because she was a drug dealing snitch. Dexter was found by Harry (the cop to whom Dexter's mother was snitching) in a blood soaked cargo container. Harry then raised Dexter to become a killer. But as I said before, he only kills the killers who escaped legal punishment. 

Watching Dexter try to balance a normal 9-5 life while moonlighting as serial killer who likes to hack up his victims is entertaining. I'm not a big fan of the dialog. With the exception of Dexter's sister and one us his forensic pals, I find the dialog to be dry and uninspired. However, the plot twists are exceptional. I thought for sure that Dexter was going to get busted in the season finale but a well written escape saved the day. I really love this show. 

Anyway, I hadn't seen much of season 2 until last night where I watched the last 6 episodes and didn't get to bed till 5am. Add to this a 9am meeting today and another meeting tonight, I'll be dragging today. 

But it was well worth it.

Willie Wonker (Don't Ask)

It's 3am and I can't sleep. It may be more truthful to say that I don't want to wake up. The thought that I will wake up tomorrow and not hear the sounds of the girls is too much to handle. 

Who's Gonna Gimme Some Sugar Tonight?

Happy birthday to me.

It was weird. I woke up this morning and it took me a while to remember that I have indeed turned 41. I like being 41 so far.

Personally I am in a very good place right now. I'm hoping to have the babies for a few hours tonight as it's my birthday and my wife has a party to go to. There has been a lot of good things going on this week. I'm feeling pretty positive right now. 

However, I am growing more concerned about society and the world. 

I'll be the first to admit that I'm a headline reader. I don't read the newspaper much but for the headlines. I'll read a bit more if something catches my eye but I've found that as a whole newspapers and television news is usually a bunch of the same old same. But hasn't something changed?

So I couldn't tell you much about who's killing whom, who's ripping off or who's getting ripped. I have no idea who's king of the world today or which school is grieving over the loss of their children. It just seems to me that the world has become a darker place over the last half year.

We look towards our leaders as to why we're spending our paychecks at the pumps and all they can do is shrug their shoulders and point their fingers. 3 years ago they blamed it on Katrina so what's the excuse now?  There's still a war going on right? Have we won yet? Are we going to ever win?

Maybe there are no answers any more. Life is what it is. 

Our leaders refuse to see further than their own life spans. Meanwhile we continue to ravage the planet like there is no tomorrow. And one day where just won't be.

Look towards the moon tonight. Trust me.

I wanted to thank my soon to be ex wife. She allowed me to be with my children today. It was the best Fathers Day present that any man has ever received. 

Sincere

Tomorrow is going to be hard. 

Dads are funny, well at least mine is anyway. He's old school. He doesn't 'get'' computers or Tivo or anything semi techi. He tries, I just think buttons confuse him. Watching him type an email is a study in patience. 

The one thing I think I really learned from my father is that when someone needs help, you help. You do what you can for whomever you can no matter what. I'm not sure why he does it. I'm not sure why I do it but I feel obligated to help everyone, sometimes at the expense of my own time or personal enjoyment. I don't do it for the gratitude and I don't do it expecting that I can call in favors when needed. I just do.

He's here now helping me through all of this. I love him and I'm glad he's here but I worry about him. When our children are in pain we must do everything we can to take away the pain. I worry about him because I don't think he understands that this isn't a pain he can ease. Or maybe he does. But he's here and that's all that matters.

Fathers don't have to fly around in capes with a big 'F' on their chests to be supermen. Sometimes just being there is enough.

Nikki, Jessie sleep tight. I love you and I would be there with you if I could.

Happy Fathers Day

I am the Walrus

For some reason God has decided that I should become 'Savior of the Turtles.'

We all know the story of Clem, my little painted turtle who found his way to my doorstep and is now living comfortably, and as far as I can tell happily, in his tank.

Last week while I was heading to the store I nearly ran over a box turtle. Luckily I was able to pull over, stop traffic and get him to the wooded area on the other side of the road. 

Today, as I was turning into my community I found a fairly large snapping turtle who was about to make his way across the street. I pulled over and after giving the turtle a stick to chomp on, picked him up, placed him in the back of my Jeep, and drove him down to the water where I released him.

A few months ago the girls and I found another snapping turtle by the side of the road. and while the one I found today was the size of a dinner plate, the turtle the girls and I found had a shell the size of a hubcap. I picked that turtle up and held it outside the car window so the girls could get a look at it before taking it down to the woods. Nikki wanted to keep it as a pet so I had to explain to her the some turtles just don't make very good pets. Every once in a while Nikki will say 'remember when we found that turtle.' 

Yeah, I remember.

Tomorrow

Where ya gonna be tomorrow?
How ya gonna face the sorrow?
Where ya gonna be when you die?
'Cause nothing's gonna last forever
And things they change like the weather
They're gone in the blink of an eye

Just look at yourself, can you see where you are?
Look at yourself, now you can't hide the scars
Just look at yourself 'cause there's nowhere to go
And you know

Tomorrow
You're gonna have to live with the things you say
Tomorrow
You'll have to cross bridges that you burned today
Tomorrow...
And everything you do, it's coming back for you
You'll never outrun what waits for you
Tomorrow.

And are you terrified by sadness
And have you given into madness
You're running out of places to hide
'Cause everybody's got a reason
To justify how they're feelin'
Maybe you should open your eyes

Just look at yourself, do you like what you see?
Look at yourself, is this how it should be?
Just look at yourself, 'cause there's nowhere to go
And you'll know

Tomorrow
You're gonna have to live with the things you say
Tomorrow
You'll have to cross bridges that you burned today
Tomorrow...
And everything you do, it's coming back for you
You'll never outrun what waits for you
Tomorrow.

Are you waiting for the reason to change?
Are you waiting for the end, has it came?
Nothing's gonna stand in your way...

Just look at yourself, do you like what you see?
Look at yourself, is this how it should be?


Tomorrow - Sixx AM

It's hard to describe what I feel, what I'm going through. I haven't seen my girls in 4 days. I could have never imagined anything would hurt so much. As much as I tell myself that they are ok and that she is taking care of them, it feels like they've died. 

Things are worse now. I don't feel comfortable talking about it because now it's about the children. In the past if she wanted to take out her anger on me that was fine but now it's different. Things are worse and they probably won't be getting any better anytime soon. I don't know how I'm going to cope. I just know that I have to.

Night

I find myself here again because this is all I got. This is all I know.

She called. She said that the kids were safe but she wouldn't tell me where they were until I signed the custody agreement I found in the mail today. Using my children as blackmail is beyond wrong. 

The woman will do anything to get what she wants, even using her own children against their father. Now more then ever I believe that I need to do whatever I can to keep them with me as much as possible.

I guess it will be up to the courts now.

Today I came home to find my house cleaned out and my wife and children gone....she took my babies.

I don't know what I'm going to do now.

Stroke Me (The Billy Squire Song You Perverts)

So where was I??

Oh yeah, the feeling funky thing. Eh, been there done that. Got the bumper sticker.

I was talking with a friend tonight who has been feeling...down I guess. Most certainly there are things going on in her life to give her the blues. She's not currently in a relationship that she's 100% about but then besides Lola and Dylan and BWG who is??

I mean really, maybe it's just me but I don't think I've ever been with my "end of the world" girl. I'm not sure she exists. I guess I go around thinking maybe next time but the next time hasn't been it either. Ah well, maybe next time.

And now that my situation has changed dramatically since the last time I dated. I don't know if I will ever find my end of the world girl. It's not just about me now. I'm a daddy and there's a lot of weight that comes with the title. Hell, my dad knows it. His second wife was for me and my brother more than she was for him. It didn't work out at all because not only was she a pretty lifeless wife, she had the parenting skills of a chalkboard. But he did what he thought was best for us kids. He took the bullet.

So here I am, checking out the market (just window shopping really, can't afford to buy anything at the moment) and I seem to be drawn towards the 'would be a great mother' section. Nothing wrong with that really, just not...eh, I don't know. 

The problem is that I screwed up the last time. The only reason I got married to my soon to be not, is because I thought she could be a decent mother. Or not, I don't know. I guess I now know what I don't want for my girls.

Look, the bottom line is to go with what your heart tells you. Our heads have no business being involved with these kinds of decisions regardless of what the 'safe' us wants to tell ourselves. Our heads can be fooled just as easily as any other part of our anatomy so maybe if we do get fooled in the end it should be at least somewhat tragic.

Night Guys

....and you have those rare occasions when someone will get 4 songs.

Melissa

Melissa is the best. I learned to play almost every one of her songs up till Your Little Secret then she kinda lost me. Still one of the finest songwriters around.

Smiles

The Demons That You're Hiding From

And the funky mood continues.

I'm not sure what's going on with me right now. Part of it may be the isolation. I haven't talked to an adult since Saturday afternoon. I kinda figured that would happen once school ended but I didn't expect these results.

There is something else that's going on that I can't talk about. I'm not even sure why I'm writing about something that I can't go into. This is going to suck for me but it's going to be a lot worse for the girls. It actually may be the action that forces me to do the last thing I wanted to have happen. Sorry for the 007 speak. I just wanted to get this down in case I need to come back to it later.

It's funny how the smallest little things become huge when your circumstances change. The idea that you're important to someone even when you're not with them. Like the idea that they may be thinking about you the exact same moment you're thinking of them. You change your shirt and you just know that they're changing their shirt also. When you look at a star and just know that they're looking at the same star. It's the little things. When you feel like you've lost the person who 'got' you and you can't seem to think about your next step because it's too hard to do alone, the little things kill. 

Sorry, this isn't about what it might seem like. Trust me. Maybe someone reading this will get it.

I'll try to be more grounded next time.

R.I.P Bo Diddly

I'm in a funky mood.

Life is weird. You expect certain things to happen or not happen and when they do or don't happen it can throw you off a bit. I'm thrown.

The thing is I can't think about all the stuff that's orbiting around me. I need to stay focused on the kids and what I think is in their best interest regardless of what other people do or say. Stay focused.

I took the kids to the river today. We live about a block away from Bear Neck Creek which is feed by the Chesapeake Bay. I like taking them down there in the summer when we need to get out of the house. Nikki likes to collect shells and feathers and whatnot. Jessie isn't much of a 'get dirty' girl. She hates sand, always has. Today she surprised me by jumping in the creek....clothes and all. Then Nikki jumped in and they just played and splashed around for a bit. It's nice to see them so happy. I love it when they are.

Called my folks just to check in. My dad wrote me this long letter last week all about the meaning of life. I feel so bad for him and my mom both. I just wish things were different. Divorce is bad enough for the two people going through it. It become hell when you throw in the kids, the grandparents, and everyone else. My dad did say something to me that I can't repeat here, and it was kinda offhanded so I don't even know if he remembers saying it. But if he does, and he's reading this....I will pops.

Night Guys 

Come On Eileen

Ok I admit it, I used to have the hots for Tatum O'Neal.

I think it started with her role in the Bad News Bears and it just blossomed from there. And now my dear, sweet Tatum has been busted for buying Crack. Ah well.

I was just about to write about how calm things have been around here. The wife had seemed to be relaxed maybe even depressed. So just when I think it's safe to go back into the water.......

She took the kids out to dinner and wound up at both her best friends house and her brothers house. When she got home, 1 1/2 hours past Jessies bedtime she was in major crank mode. I don't get it. She bought me dinner last night (McDonalds but still) and a piece of cake tonight. I don't get it. Or maybe I do and I should continue to play dumb.

ANYWAY.

I just received my first free lance writing "assignment". I must in 500 words or less describe the Tour de France as a non bike enthusiast for a biking website. I was hoping for something a bit easier like 'Nuclear Fusion for Dummies' but eh, it's a job.

I shall return...like herpes.

I look at my Daughter and I Believe

Like I've said before, I'm not much of a religious person. I don't really think that there is a right or wrong way of thinking about life, death, or whatever happens afterwards. God or any Supreme being isn't about being the most popular. Jesus Christ vs Sri Vishnu vs Buddha, who wins? Is it the deity with the most followers? The one who's been worshipped the longest?

It's kind of arrogant for us to not allow for the possibility that 'our' God may not be the greatest or, for that matter, the only god.

I'm not knocking religion here, just saying that maybe it's ok to think outside of the box a little

...and a bug just flew up my nose. One sec......

Ok, back.

What I think may serve each of us better is to really dig deep inside of ourselves and follow our hearts path. Enough with the thinking and over analyzing everything. All the rules that make no sense. The one's we chose to follow while disregarding others. Maybe it isn't an all or nothing game.

For me, I believe in two things. Balance and respect.

Balance - For all the good in the world there is evil. For lightness there is twilight. A cosmic scale but also a scale within our own selves. We become reckless, depressed, despondent when we lose our internal balance. Finding and maintaining that center leads to a happier more fulfilling life.

Respect - The idea that within all living creatures is an energy that on a spiritual level is no more greater nor insignificant than our own. Many cultures including many American Indian tribes believed that even the animals they killed had souls. It was about respect that they would pray after a kill. We have evolved into a people who would rather not think about animals having souls. If we did then how could we justify the things we do. To them, and really to each other.

I recently tried to explain starlight to Nikki. About how the light we see in the sky is the dying evidence of a star long gone. She didn't grasp the concept but that's not surprising. She's only four. She then asked me if stars went to heaven when they died. I told her that stars where different than people in that stars don't have a soul. She said "Well in my heaven stars do go there"

Pretty deep little girl. Of course later she said "I like pepperoni, you know why? Because I like pepper and I like roni."


Peace

Merry Go Round

Hey again.

Last night I went to the Arbonne's Detox party at Kristen's house. I must admitt that I had a great time. We did the whole wine/foot soak/girl talk thing and it was a blast. Luckily I wasn't the only guy there as Emily's father went. He and I spent most of the time on the back porch talking. Learned a couple new things about Jen. This chick (and I use term as a sign of affection) is the complete package. She's a dedicated mother and wife but she has this bad girl side that's just.....

The fact that she had no problem at all 'hulking out' in front of us guys was insane. The girl has it going on.

Although today at Emma's birthday party Jen totally ragged on me about the foot soak thing as she had left the party early and didn't get a chance to witness it. I was thinking about deducting some of the cool points she had received but eh...giving me crap about me soaking my feet is so her. So she gets a couple extra cool points. And for the record, my feet are all soft and smooth, thank you very much.

Ok, so today (although it will be yesterday by the time I post this) I took the girls to a birthday party for Emma, one of Nikki's school friends. I don't think I've ever been to a more organized, better planned kids party in my life. There was pizza and a couple of salads so it was easy for the kids to sit and eat quickly. There was a woman painting this kids faces which both Nik and Jess loved. There was a pinata which is kind of a must have I guess, and cake. We were in and out in less than two hours. I mean the kids were having such a good time and in turn made it easier for the parents. Time just flew by. I was having a great time and would have had no problem staying longer but this was nice. I hate long drawn out birthday parties.

I had invited the wife to come with us. Figured it would be good for the kids to see us out together but she was beat. It's the thought that counts right? I should get a couple cool points at least :P

Laters

Green Tinted 60's Mind

Last night Nikki came to me and said, "Someday tree frogs will rule the world." WTH???

Stephanie, Nikki's teacher made a comment that Jessie was like me, carefree, happy and always smiling. She must have been talking about the inner me. She said that Nicole was more like her mother, moody and serious.

The thing is that I think Nikki is more like me. I know she's got my stubbornness. She's extremely creative and it seems like her mind is going 1,000 miles an hour all the time.

The one thing that we disagree on is the tree frog thing. Everyone knows that Garden Gnomes will soon be this planets Overlords.

Something weird has been happening with the kids lately. They're actually playing together. No really. I mean like sitting on the floor and interacting without hitting or being hit. The truly astonishing thing is that Nikki has initiated most of the encounters. Jessie will be sitting there all 'minding her own business' and whatnot playing with her dolls or Shrek toys (huge Shrek fan that one) and Nikki will come along and start playing with her. And Nikki plays by Jessie's rules which I find discomforting. Nikki is fine with Jessie leading the doll parties. It's giving me the heebies (actual word regardless of what my spellchecker is saying)

Nicole has always been a solitary creature. She draws or colors or builds her animal towers/parades (I'll post a pic so you can get it). When I go to pick her up from school if they're on the playground more often then not she'll be off by herself looking for bugs or dandelions. Occasionally she'll have Aiden or Rosalie in tow. That's the daddy in her.

So all this new sisterly bonding has me quite unnerved.

Clem update - The little turtle that could is still coulding. He comes right up and grabs worms out of my fingers. He doesn't swim around a whole lot but he has his moments where he'll go explore his surroundings. I am beginning to believe that he is in fact a she. I'm not sure I like the name Clementine though. We'll see.

I may have a job that pays actual cash money (unlike the whole raising two daughters thing). I submitted two of my blogs (Judgement Day and Little Drummer Boy) to a company that hires freelance writers. I got an email back saying that they like the style and that they would have a couple essays for me to work on within the next week or so. Kinda cool but my hopes aren't all sky high yet. We'll see when the check arrives :)

I'll be out late tomorrow night, don't wait up.

Bring Your Family Down to the River Side

My wardrobe is a mess.

I mean seriously, my closet looks like it's shared by 4 different people and I don't know that I like any of their tastes. 

So I grabbed a garbage bag and went to work.

First to go was anything that I've had for more then 10 years. I kept one really vulgar shirt that reads "Get a Job" I can't even begin to describe the picture on it as I try to keep this blog somewhere in the PG-13 range. No idea why I kept it. I guess I enjoy the shock value of it. You never know when you may need a good icebreaker.

Next on the list were all the cartoon shirts. I had a couple Taz shirts (love Da Taz) and a few others that I think I've outgrown. Eh, I probably haven't outgrown them but for the moment my head is in another place so out they went.

After that I was trying to get rid of much of stuff that the wife has given me over the years. I don't like wearing that stuff anymore. Makes me feel bad about everything and the last thing I need is to go around feeling bad because I'm wearing a shirt that reminds me of her. Not that I can forget really but I do get my moments of temporary amnesia when I'm in a place where things are much better. Best not to have silk boxers with red lips all over them to remind me that things aren't better.

Funny, I just lost the train for a moment. Crap.

Then I just threw out anything that looked too beat up or worn out. I had a nice heavy black cotton button up shirt that I loved but it's starting to age a bit. A really nice blue and creme stripped sweater where the blue bled all over the creme in the wash and it never looked the same after that. I still wore it but it just wasn't right.

Finally socks and underwear. A few of the socks had holes in them. Our dog Sampson likes to take them out of my dirty clothes pile and run around the backyard with them. Weird dog. Not too many underwear (no idea if underwear can be pluralized) but one or two where the elastic has seen better days. It's funny (not so much of the ha, ha kind) but they say that one of the signs that your mate is having an affair is if she/he goes out and buys new underwear (and no, I have no idea why I thought that was any kind of funny, ha, ha or otherwise)

All of this was the start of my clutter overhaul. I am a pack rat by nature. I own like 5 computers that I haven't powered up in forever. I don't even think they would. I have almost every birthday, valentines, christmas and anniversary card I've received in the last 25 years. Pieces of things that I don't have other pieces for. Tons of magazines of projects I had planned on doing or articles I planned on reading. I also have 3 fairly decent sized collections. One is a 7,000 piece comic book collection when I collected them as a kid. I have a nice collection of M&M items and I have a very nice collection of Taz stuff. It's usually pretty easy for people to buy me things for my birthday or whatever. Unique Taz or M&M stuff was always a winner for me. I'm probably going to trash most of the M&M stuff for pretty much the same reason I threw out those boxers. Still debating about Taz. Maybe I'll just box him up.

Part of this feels like I'm packing up to go somewhere. Not sure why it feels that way. Maybe my mind knows something and it's just not sharing with the rest of me.

I have a couple new things going on that I'll try to share with you all later.

Sleep tight.

One Lump or Two?

Sorry for the pity party last night. I allowed a weird negative thought creep in and it threw me off my game. I'm back now cocked and loaded. 

But I'm in the middle of a princess tea party/dinosaur safari so I gotta make this short.

This has been cracking the girls up all morning - 

The Lion Sleeps Tonight

The wife is out tonight so I'll be in overtime daddy mode but I hope I can get a post on sometimes later tonight.

Smooches.

King Nothing

Ok, so, before I start in on this topic I want to ask you all to do something. Think back to the last time you've felt either physically and or emotionally attached to someone else. I'm not talking about your kids or your friends. I talking about that special someone be it a boyfriend, wife or whomever. If it's been more than a week then there's a problem. More then 2 weeks? A very serious problem.

For me it's been over 8 months. Yes, I understand that my wife came to me with her divorce crap 5 months ago but I knew about the things she's doing way before then. And she knows that I know. Any physical connection was fundamental. Emotional connection, non existent.

I'm a very tactile person. I like touching. I like the feel of another persons skin against mine. The sensation of her heart pounding.

It isn't a sexual thing really. It is more then that. Sex is primitive. Gerbils have sex. I'm talking about true physical connection.

I am a living breathing, caring person who has been in a virtual deprivation chamber for too long. Hell even widowers would be taken to task by now.

Like I've said before and truly believe, this separation isn't about me, it only involves me. I am not damaged, nor broken. I am a good man regardless of what my wife and her minions want to believe.

So is it wrong for me to feel this way? I'm fighting to keep the things I truly care about while my wife strips them away day by day. Is it wrong to want something that's just mine, just for me?

Why do I feel bad for wanting this? Maybe because in some way it feels like a betrayal of my children. It feels like I'm in some way putting them second to my own needs.

Vic - You're my hardline support. Talk to me.

It's Only Wine Michael

I feel like my soul is bleeding.

I don't know what's going on. I just need to write it down so I can take it apart later.

I haven't been sleeping well. Lately it's not that I can't sleep it's just that I'm fighting it.

I've been taking in a lot of peoples problems lately. I like the fact that people feel like they can come to me but maybe I'm overloading.

I want to go out right now. It's 9pm and I want to go to a bar with a million other lost boys and girls. But if I do I would wind up getting drunk and I don't know where I would wake up. Maybe that's what I need. Just find somebody to take pity on me and take me home like some scruffy, underweight dog.

Nikki is hovering. She senses somethings wrong with me. I smile but she's not buying it. She's too intuitive to be only 4 1/2 years old. This is going to crush her.

I know what I need but it ain't happening tonight. Maybe TEC can get me through till morning.

Tomorrow something is going to have to change.

To Bubble Wrap Girl,

I am truly sorry about...

I don't have the words. There are none. 

You are a very strong and I hope you're latest post can help bring you closer to peace.

-William

Can't You Say You Believe in Me

A double standard refers to the treatment of one classification of people differently than other groups of people. - wikipedia

Imagine a married 45 year old man and father of two young children. His wife stays at home and raises the kids. The man is afforded all the freedom anyone could ask for. He comes home late, attends 'special' functions, all in the name of bettering his career and is never questioned by his wife.

One day the man announces he wants a divorce.

The woman is crushed. She asks about his plans for the children. "I'll get them a nanny" he says. The man becomes enraged when his wife tells him that she is not leaving her children or their home. The man then cuts off all financial support. The credit cards that the wife used to pay for food, home improvement items, activities for the children, medical bills for the family's pet are now solely her responsibility.

The husband becomes hostile. He starts to stay out later. He makes private phone calls. He makes snide comments about his wife in front of his children. He lies to friends and family in an attempt to alienate wife. He does everything to try to bully his wife out of her home and her rights.

So here's my question, is this man a hero or should he be tied to a stake?

I stared thinking about double standards as I was writing a piece about how Sex in the City is responsible for the corruption of our society. My struggle with this hypothesis is that 1. I believe that art in any form has a right to be and 2. It's not the art that is to be blamed but instead the masses and how they are influenced by it. Just because a 14 year robs a liquor store doesn't mean that his video games drove him to committing the crime. But we blame Grand Theft Auto because we are too weak as guardians to shoulder the responsibility.

But I digress...again.

The premise of Sex in the City is how a single woman and her 3 friends struggle through romantic relationships looking for that perfect man. The double standard comes into effect when we take a look as how the men of this show are portrayed. More often the not these men are chauvinistic womanizers who lack compassion and are often times just plain dumb. And it's always the mans fault when these women wake up with that weeks idiot in her bed as our heroine asks herself "why did I do that"

Ask yourselves, if this show were about four guys who go around using women like tissues then whining about they can't find true love, would we tune in every week or would this show be condemned as exploitation.

Give me one example of one show that portrays women as disposable, bungling idiots because I can give you at least 5 examples of shows that do this exact same thing to men.

And the thing that bothers me the most is how the viewers of this show grabs a cup, chugs down the poisoned Kool Aid and then gleefully asks for seconds. As the main character cheats on the one true good man in her life we are asked to feel sorry for her because....hmmmm, why should we feel sorry for her again? Here's your Kool Aid.

Sorry, this topic kinda bleeds into another topic that I wanted to address at some point. I originally used a bunch of these statements to support my position about how today's media is making it easy for society to reason away our unethical behavior. I may post that at sometime in the future. Who knows.

4 more days till the weekend everyone. Hang in there

Creed

Just something I wanted to share. I drew this shortly after the 9/11 attacks. The original measures almost 3.5 feet by 1.5 feet.  All of it hit me very hard and it's something I hope that we as a country never forgets.

Seasons Don't Fear the Reaper

Another great day shot to hell by bullshit.

Edit - I just wrote a bunch of hateful and mean shit. I honestly wanted to post it all but I'm beginning to actually believe my own words. I am better than she is, my soul is purer, and I won't sink to her level.

But I probably will tomorrow :P

And to whomever is watching over me right now, thank you.

ANYWAY!!!!!!

Nikki and I had a fantastic day. My wife took Jessie out for some one on one time. Nikki wanted to get onto GW and play tag in the GH (no worries if you don't understand that code). But I had other plans. I got her in her bathing suit and took her to the river to rent a jetski.

Nikki was a bit intimidated at first. Being in a river and not a pool concerned her a bit because there were no edges to hang on to. Add the loudness of the jetski and she was a tad on the freakin' side. I got her on and we puttered out into the water.

After we got clear of the 6 mile an hour markers I gave it a little gas and I could feel Nikki tense up behind me. I killed the motor and asked her if she was ok. She said that she didn't want to go fast and I replied "I thought you were my little speed girl" She said "Oh yeah." and from that moment on I couldn't go fast enough for her. She was laughing and screaming "faster, faster." And she loved riding the wakes. I would catch some air and she would be laughing so hard that I though she was gonna fall off.

But the best times were when I stopped the engine and we just sat there and talked as I hung her over the side to splash in the water. She asked me why there weren't any fish and why the water was green. We pointed out all the houses on the river that we would want to live in. And we waved to other boaters as they passed by. God, she is so pure. Sometimes it's impossible for me to think that I took part in creating her.

And as we returned the jetski, and I put the rental fee on my already maxed out credit card, Nikki yelled to me from the edge of the water, "Daddy, this was the best day ever."

Awesome day.

I Am the Rain King

Music is my religion.

In order of importance in my life

1. My children
2. My parents
3. My Sister In Law or music (depending on if my sis in law is being difficult at that moment)

The first real rock n roll record I ever owned was Hotel California by The Eagles. It was given to me on my birthday by one of my favoritest people in the world, my uncle Ed. He also bought me my first skateboard and convinced my parents to buy me my first electric guitar. "If the boy's gonna play then he should play loud" And I did Edward. Thank you.

To this day Hotel California is my favorite album. I've owned at least one copy of it in all it's media incarnations be it record, tape, cd, and now mp3.

My iTunes catalog consists of over 7,000 songs starting with A-ha 'Take Me On' and ending with 58's 'Queer'. My iPod is holding close to 5,000 songs and if I am not in my house then my iPod isn't either.

My favorite songs in no order except for the number 1 spot are -

Life in the Fast Lane - The Eagles
Bat Out of Hell - Meatloaf
Layla - Eric Clapton
You Shook Me All Night Long - AC/DC
Walk This Way - Aerosmith
La Grange - ZZ Top
Fire - Jimi Hendrix

Werewolves of London - Warren Zevon
Vienna - Billy Joel (First concert I went to. Thanks Dad)
Funeral for a Friend - Elton John

And of course, Toot, Toot, Chugga, Chigga, Big Red Car - The Wiggles

Jessies favorite song is Barracuda by Heart. Nikki's is (depending on her mood) Bleed it Out by Linkin Park or Crocodile Rock by Elton John. They both know most of the lyrics to these and a few others. Nikki's favorite band is Guns and Roses. Nikki can identify Axl Rose from a picture or by listening to him sing. And yes, I will take the blame for all of this. My children are among the coolest 4 and 3 year olds on the planet. And yes, my soon to be ex has made a few snide comments about all of this. But whatever. Until she can interpret the lyrics correctly, her comments hold little value to me. Some people may have been born in the 60's but that doesn't mean that they are experts on drug references in music.

My music has been the one thing in my life that has and will always be there. Every important person in my life has their own personally dedicated song. FYI, Mom yours is Nineteenth Nervous Breakdown by The Rolling Stones (can you remember why?). And Dad yours is King of the Road by Roger Miller.

More than half of the weird ass titles I give my blog posts come from the songs I'm listening to. Don't ask where the others came from cause I just don't know.

I owe my life to music. And that's the truth.

Happy Memorial Day everyone. For those about to rock, we salute you.

And Texasbabe there's your picture. Tit for tat one could say. 

I'm a Cheap Date

This is not the post I originally intended for today. The post you were supposed to be reading dealt with the one true Satan, Sarah Jessica Parker. HOWEVER, since tomorrow is Memorial Day and seeing as how a bunch of you all will be taking the day off from work I figured what better time then now to start fixing our lives, right?

Ok, I have received a few emails regarding this blog. Some from people I know and others who I don't but I guess that they can identify with what I'm writing. These emails share a common theme and it goes something like this -

Dear William,

Love your blog. I'm sorry that you are going through some tough times but you seem to be handling it well. As for me, my life is crap blah, blah, blah................

Keep up the writing.

Thanks,
Name Withheld

I am not making light of your problems with the 'Blah, blah, blah' and I'm truly glad that you are getting something out of reading my nonsense. So lets fix ourselves together.

I have been at the bottom. The truest, darkest place where I had never been before. A few days after my wife told me she wanted a divorce I found myself in my backyard in the rain, a bottle of pills in one hand and the phone in the other. My plan was to call my sister in law and tell her that by the time she got to my house I would be circling the drain and that she should take the kids and go. Instead I called a suicide prevention hotline and got help. Actually that isn't true, the hotline didn't help me at all. But I found myself laughing when the woman answered the phone and said this "Hello, my name is Joy, tell me what's going on."

Yes boys and girls, the fact that a woman named Joy worked at a suicide prevention hotline just cracked me up. And I never thought about ending myself again.

So here's what we're going to do. I will give you a list of things that I need you to really try to do as soon as possible. This is my list so it may not work for everyone but if you've actually sent ME and email about how much your life sucks then we need to try everything we can to fix it.

So here we go -

1. Go to the mirror and look into your own eyes for 3 minutes while doing nothing. When the three minutes are up say the following phrase to yourself while still looking in the mirror -

'Yesterday is done and gone. there is nothing that can be done to change the past and I must accept that'

Say this as many times as you need until you start believing
it.

2. Identify the one thing you dislike most about yourself and be honest about it. You know if you're fat. You know if you're bitchy. You know if you're a lazy slob. Be honest.

3. After you've identified the one thing you dislike most say the following.

"I am (fill in the blank)...so fucking what.

You are not at any point in your life to start making radical changes. But you need to know what it is you want to change so when you are strong enough you will have a idea of where to start.

4. Do something that you would NEVER normally do. Start up a conversation with stranger, hit on the Food Lion cashier, go to the mailbox in the nude, whatever. Just do something grand and totally out of character. You need to get the adrenaline pumping, your heart needs to race. And if what you decided to do didn't make you pee your pants a little (if you were wearing them) then try something else. You have to understand that it is possible for you to change. If you don't then you will never believe you can ever be in any place better then where you are now.

5. Reward yourself for doing that one thing. Eat something you know is bad for you, send yourself flowers, sit in the bathtub all day with a couple glasses of wine and a book. You deserve these things.

6. Identify why you are distressed. Many of us are out of sync because someone we know is or had treated us like crap. If this is where you are now I want you to go back to your mirror and say the following.

"I am a fucking moron for allowing that person to dictate the way I feel."

If you wanna be a healthy an eventually happy again you have to understand that it's not the other person tearing you apart. You are the one tearing you apart. Do not fool yourself into dumping this on anyone else because if you do you will never truly recover.

7. Lastly, drown yourself in something that will help you forget about you. Be it your children, a church, your friends, a sports team, or an online video game, submerge yourself in it totally and completely. Find a reason to be happy and continue to do it until you start to feel the change from negative thought into positive feelings.

Do these things. I promise you will feel so much better about life that some day all this despair will make you feel like an idiot.

And really lastly, if this helps you at all let me hear about it. Leave a comment or send me an email. The two things I am trying to drown myself in are my children and helping others. And I'm an egomaniac. :)

I love all of you, even if I've never met you.

...and smile damn it.

Playtime

It's just 10am and I'm already an idiot.

After my usual Saturday am session with Eric I decided to go to Barnes & Noble for a cup of coffee, people watch, and get some writing done. I figured that I should probably use the bathroom as the coffee I had earlier was going to want to exit my body at some point. It would most certainly want to do this during some self important mid sentence ramble and cause the train to derail before I could pull into the life altering break through station. I don't know exactly how I ended up in the woman's room but I did appreciate the fact that the two women washing their hands and a healthy sense of humor.

I've been thinking a lot about the woman in my divorce care class. The same woman I bumped into at this very store last weekend. Her depression, her despair seems to be so great that she has given up the hope of a happy existence after divorce. I feel terrible for her.

It is near impossible for a healthy person not to feel that they were in some way responsible for their mates unhappiness and eventual departure from the relationship. Just as it difficult for the person initiating the separation to accept that the road to their happiness lies within themselves, we struggle to grasp this concept as well. And as the ones left behind it is extremely important to acknowledge this fact before we can expect to heal.

"Well, what's wrong with me?" Even if we haven't asked this question of our friends we most assuredly have thought it at some point. And you know, it's totally natural to feel that we did contribute to the other persons dissatisfaction with their lives. But within each of us lies the power to change. Some work towards this change in healthy, productive ways while others continue down their paths of self destruction.

My wife has and will blame everyone but herself for the sad events of her life. As far as I know from family and friends, she has to yet be able to truly connect to anyone in a romantic relationship. Maybe it's because she fears giving of herself and being vulnerable. Or maybe she has yet to come to terms with what she is really looking for in a relationship. Maybe the divorce of her own parents have left a few scars. Either way she continues to repeat her destructive actions. And in the end it is never her fault, it's always the other person. Well, I guess it helps her sleep at night.

And as I talk to my friend and listen to how hard she is taking all of this, part of me just wants to shake her until she sees the truth. But the fact is that no matter how much we want and try to help a person work through all of this, only they can take that first step.

And if any of this has helped any of you, please send a check to -

William Hoyt
910 Fortune Pl.
Edgewater, MD 21037

I also accept baked goods and pictures of your pets as payment for services rendered.

Caio

Stink Bugs

Today was Nikki's last day at school. I'm going to miss the moms and dads who I got to know and I hope we're able to stay in touch over the summer.

The big 'year end event' consisted of a picnic. Most of the moms and a few of the fathers were there. Tony, who is Jen's husband, showed up. That was extremely cool. I didn't really get a chance to talk to him much during the year so this was a good thing. The original plan was that the parents would drop the kids off as usual and then come back an hour early for the picnic. Tony and I stayed the entire time. It could have been the kids, or the conversation but I know the reason we stayed was the Play Dough. If you haven't messed with that stuff in a while do yourself a favor and go buy a can.

My wife actually showed up for the picnic which was cool. I know the kids were glad to see her. I actually ordered her dinner (stuffed shells that she likes) when I ordered pizza for me and the girls tonight as a thank you. Wow, maybe I really am better. Eh, we'll see how tomorrow goes :P

Night guys

Burn Down the Mission

Last night was one of those milestone nights.

I started going to a divorce group at my church when I first learned that someday I would find myself ......divorced. The class pointed out a few things that I had never considered when I thought about what my tomorrows would bring. For the most part I was a wreck and while I tried to gain all the insight I could, I found that all I could think about was where my life was at that moment and it wasn't good. So when my friend Jim told me that the class had started back up again I figured that I should give it another shot.

As I pulled into the church parking lot and got out of my car I saw Annie. She is a woman who I had met during the last set of classes. She has been coming to the classes to support a friend of hers. And when she saw me she practically screamed. She hurried over to me and gave me a big hug and then said, "what happened to you?" and I was all "?????." She then said,

"You look great! "

She asked if something had changed, if my situation had improved and I said yes and no. No, life at home is still a challenge but I feel better about everything. I'm actually looking forward to my life now.

I keep writing about how I have changed, about how I'm becoming more outgoing. And it's true. I don't know why, maybe it's the knowledge that I have to keep a strong network of friends for me and my children. But I'm the assertive one now. I want friends to go out and talk with. I want to be a source of strength for others which is something I find I can do very well now. This divorce isn't an end, it's a beginning. A beginning to a much better life.

I cannot tell you how fantastic I feel. A weird thing for me to say, even in the best of times.

The class itself was interesting. There were a few people who I met from the last session and a bunch of new people. I would like to at this point to remind everyone that it's been a while since I've um....ah, well it's been a while. There were two new women who I found interesting. And yes I know, divorce class in church isn't the place to be picking up women. And I really have no intention of actually doing any picking. It's just refreshing to know that when I do have intention, the crops are looking real ripe.

The topic of discussion this week was depression. Been there, done that. The mantra was you can't heal until you forgive. Ah well, I guess I will never truly heal then 'cause I sure as hell won't forgive. And I made that known. BIG MISTAKE. I got the whole 'The bible says this and the bible says that' so I amended my position and said "ok, fine, I'll forgive my wife for what she's done to me but there will never be any forgiveness for what she's doing to my children." And the room went silent. Then the woman leading the class picked up her bible and said "Be assured that god has a special plans for people who harm our children."

And I said "Well I hope it's the whole plague of locusts thing. That would be nice" And the whole room busted out laughing except for the really cute woman on my right.

Ah well, can't win 'em all. But I'll be winning enough........ someday.

......But at Night I Deal Death

I'm an introvert.

That may not be the best way to describe my personality but it's probably the easiest way.

Anyone who knows me outside of my family would probably never use this word to define me. In groups of people I tend to either be a complete wallflower or insanely over the top. But left on my own I would rather not be around people.

I am a gamer.

In high school my best friend Jeff and I would head to the arcade during lunch and many times wouldn't make it back till last class.

Later in life my brother in law and I would burn entire days playing video NFL 2k 4-6 and Halo.

Games were a way for me to develop friendships.

When Nikki was born I found that I had a ton of free time between late night feedings. And taking care of Nikki and then later Jessie during the late night, early morning hours became pretty much my responsibility, This was partly due to the fact that I really wanted my wife to get a full nights sleep as she worked all day but also she is a complete grouch if she has to get up in the middle of the night. So I found myself staying up till 2am pretty much every night killing brain cell after brain cell in front of the tv.

Then one day a few months after Jessie was born I discovered Guild Wars.

Not to get too technical but Guild Wars is an online game (similar to World of Warcaft which some of you may have heard about). The simplest way to describe it is that your character goes on quests killing monsters and collecting gold, new weapons and armor. The backbone of the game is that you do all this with groups of other people. These groups are called guilds and every guild has it's own name, hall and capes. So this defines the game.

But the truly great thing about this, especially for me is that when you have the same group of people hanging out, sharing a common interest, you tend become friends.

As hard as it may be for those who haven't experienced this, the people I have met and played with online have been as close to me as anyone I have met face to face. I think the reason for this is pretty simple. Online you only have to care about someone if and when you want to.

Through my Guild I have become friends with people who live all over the world. I can get online right now and talk to people in Canada, Sweden, Mexico, The UK, Australia, Thailand, New York, Georgia, Washington, California, Illinois, Florida and a dozen other places. As a group of friends we have been each others support through divorces, births, deaths, illnesses of loved ones, lovers quarrels, graduations, and going off to fight in Iraq. Killing the big bads takes a back seat on most nights. We prefer telling dirty jokes and relaying all the cute things our children did that day.

My online friends have been a huge source of support through this separation/divorce. Most of the comments left on this blog are from them. 75% of the emails I receive are from them asking if I'm ok or if I need to talk. They are there for me because they care about me. I never thought that when I spent the $40 bucks to buy this game 3 years ago that it would give me so much. I would do anything for these people and I have no doubt that that would do the same for me and my girls.

TEC..... /bow

Counting Oranges

It's raining again today making it 7 out of the last 8 days that we've been wet. I love a good day of rain, even two days is fine. But all this rain and clouds has been sapping me of my energy. Not good.

I am currently undertaking the task of getting all the pictures of my wife off of my computer. I'm just sick and tired of looking at those 'happy times' knowing what I know now. I would love to just trash them all but I won't. I figure the kids may want to see them some day. For now I just need to back them up and delete the originals. Of course for me to do this I have to actually look at them and it makes me a little sick. It's like, how much of the last 10 years has been a lie? Maybe I need to wait till the sun comes back out. If it ever does.

Nikki has one more day of school. Like I wrote before, I am trying to keep my network alive so that Nikki had some friends to play with over the summer. In the past we spent a bunch of time with my sister in law and her own kids but they are a bit older than Nikki and Jessie and while everyone loves everyone else, it's not the same as having friends your age to play with. In order to do this though I need to stay outside of my box and keep up with the moms and dads in Nikki's school.

And in other news -

Clem is doing well. He will take the worms I feed him from my fingers. He loves just hanging out and chillin'. I am however beginning to believe that Clem is actually Clementine. I may take him/her in to have this mystery solved tomorrow.

I'm pretty sure I have pneumonia. Meh, whatever. Been hacking for the last two weeks. I'll get over it.

Went to the gym for the first time in two weeks. I felt bad that I haven't gone in a while. I felt worse afterwards. Got to eight miles on the bike and my legs threw up the white flag. I did get all of the weight stuff done but I'm paying for it now. Body is all types of sore.

I fell of the Food Lion Girl wagon. I went 6 whole days without seeing her and then........ It's ok though. I think I'm over my crush. Just thought I'd share.

In case you didn't notice I changed the name of the blog to something a bit more original. I also changed some of the pics to the left ------>

Sleep tight everyone.

I Have Sand in My Undies

Coming in at number 1 on this weeks 'thank god I have real friends' list was this email invite.

Dear William Hoyt,

You're Personally Invited...

You're personally invited to join (name withheld) for a luxurious spa retreat. Arbonne's SeaSource Detox Spa™ offers soothing marine botanicals to encourage relaxation and restoration. Deeply cleanse your body of the internal and external toxins that come to us through the air we breathe, the water we drink, the objects we touch and the food we eat. Set aside some time to pamper yourself from head to toe with an intensely purifying and rejuvenating spa journey.

Ok, Before you start in with the 'real men don't do Detox Spas' speech let me explain. This is a party given by one of the nursery school mothers as a relax and unwind get together. It's not about what the event is but rather I'm one of the girls.

But I'm accepted as a male, as a stay at home father, and as a friend. They all know what's going on in my life and I have never once felt that they questioned my dedication as a father or a husband. And when your wife is out for blood as much as mine is it would be an easy assumption for any of these women to make that I must have it coming to me, that I did something wrong. Be damned assured that if any of them thought that, this invite would never have come. Moms, real moms don't play.

This invite is such a big deal to me, I can't even begin to explain.

My last post felt strange. Was this truly how I feel? This whole new acceptance of what was really in my heart felt untested. And then she left the house.

It almost feels like she's trying to get to me, and I'm sure she is. When I came home at 4pm yesterday afternoon I knew to expect the usual from her. Once I got home I knew she was going to go out. And she did. She got on the phone and said "yeah, he's home now" then some whispering. And she was out the door. And I'll be the first to admit that in the past it did get to me. Not this time. I was glad she was gone. Hell, I almost said 'have a good time' as she left. It felt good.

Don't get me wrong, there is a very real sadness for me. We had a life together that is coming to an end. And moving forward I know things will be tough at times. But now I feel like I can breathe. The one weakness I had isn't there anymore. It feels good.

Today We Did the Impossible, and That Makes us Mighty

I was wrong, no change that, I was lying to myself in believing that I would be willing to accept my wife back into this marriage if that was something she wanted. The truth is I wouldn't.

The truth is that she has lied, cheated, treated me like a criminal, mentally abused both me and my children, and has done everything in her power to push me out of my rights as a father and a man. I can't look at her now without being sickened by what she has become or maybe what she truly has been all along.

She got whatever it was she thought she wanted and then blamed everyone else when she woke up to find she still wasn't happy. She wants a new life now. She wants to be the party girl and be with whomever doing whatever. Meanwhile she has made me and our children the scapegoats for her unhappiness.

And you know, I should have been where I am now 4 months ago when she first said she wanted a divorce. I was in shock and scrambling to understand it when the only thing I needed to come to terms with was what day it was. 4 months ago when she said she wanted out was the 10th anniversary of the day we met. How cold and heartless does one person have to be to pick that day of all days to drop something like that on someone?

I ran into the woman who I met in my bible study class yesterday at a bookstore. I mentioned her in one of my earlier posts. She has the husband who has been using the threat of divorce to get whatever it is he wanted. We talked for a bit and she started crying. She said her husband has started with the divorce and he told her this (followed by a call from his hired mediator) on Mothers Day. And to top it off, their son is getting married in two weeks so she's going to be forced to be in the same room with this bastard for an eternity. It made me sick just trying to understand how anyone could be that twisted and hateful. Of course this just hit me in the middle of my forehead. I'm living that hell too.

I met with Eric (my therapist) Saturday morning and since I hadn't seen him in a couple of weeks we went over all the things that had been going on in my life. Afterwards he just looks at me and asks me what I could live with going forward. And I started in on my rehearsed lie.

"You know, I don't care if my wife and I could ever get back to happy. But I would do anything if we could keep the family together for the children. I would do anything, overlook anything that's happened and just get by if it meant the kids didn't have to go through a divorce."

And he just kind of looks at me, and I look out the window for a minute and then say, 

'She's heartless and cruel. She has no regard for the happiness of our children. She's abusive and she flaunts her 'new life' around like she can't be touched. The thought of being around her much less ever touching her ever again makes me gag. And there is no way in hell I could ever forgive or forget what she's done. The idea of putting my kids through a divorce breaks my heart but the thought that I would never be with a woman who I can truly love and trust, someone who can help make me both a better father and man is unimaginable. And I will not teach my kids that it's ok to be someone's doormat. My wife will never truly be happy. Her 'crusade' for happiness, the one that keeps her moving from one situation to the next and then blaming everyone else because she's still not content, hurting whomever gets in her way, this is the last thing in the world that I want my children to view as normal. The lesser of the two evils is a divorce where afterwards my children will be raised in an environment of love and respect.'

It killed me to say that.

Look, you all are gonna believe what you wanna believe. Those of you who know me and who aren't blinded by some twisted sense of morality defending her actions know that I have done nothing to deserve this, and my kids sure as hell don't deserve it. Those who are defending her would be doing her a favor and urge her to get professional help and stop ignoring what her actions are doing to her kids and herself. Of course if you can really look at her and not see that she's in trouble then I can't offer anymore to you. She won't listen to me but she's falling apart and she needs help.

I've got children to raise,

Laters

Thunderbird

They say.

They say that everything happens for a reason which I guess is a spiritual way of saying that for every action there is a reaction.

Take relationship for example. Think about what lead you to be where you were at the exact moment that the opprotunity to meet the one you are currently in love with came about.

For me to meet my current wife, my life had taken a lot of strange hiccups. Not to bore anyone but let's just say that it felt like it was meant to be. And I'm glad it did really. Regardless of how this is going to end, I'm glad all the actions and reactions took the right bounces.

And I'm actually at peace with it all, surprisingly. I deserve this. This is karma coming back around for all the crappy stuff I've done in the past. And as a true believer in reaping what you sow, I know I had this coming. The funny thing is that I had thought I was clear of the karma wheel. I had my wife and kids, how could karma get me. Karma, it would seem, has a long memory and a wicked right hook.

But going forward, the slate is clean.

In the last four months alone I have gained a confidence that has surprised me. I have done more things outside of my little box then I ever thought was possible. I'm not the guy who waits to be approached anymore. I am more outgoing now then I have ever been and I have made many new friends because of it. Honestly, 4 months ago I had no one I could call up and ask to go have coffee. I mean no one. Now, I know at least 6 people who would drop anything to out and do whatever. And while 6 isn't a huge number, it's a start and I have every intention on increasing that number.

And now I don't feel like I have to hide anything anymore. I am by my own admission and in the words of others, over the top. I don't have that filter that most people have. I say what I think and lets the chips fall. The thing is, if you're aware of it you second guess everything after the fact. Not a good way to live.

So take a look, this is who I am. And I'm not apologizing for it.

Yeah, Karma is claiming her due and that's fine. But we're back to even again.

And even is a fine place to be.

Night

Judgement Day

Ok, let's start by pissing some people off.

There is no hell. That's right, I said it, there is no hell. Now if you all feel that you need the threat of an eternity of fire and brimstone so that you lead a nicer life then whatever. The god I believe in would never allow a hell to exist and he certainly wouldn't send us threats through the words of man to scare everyone into believing it. And no, I'm not just saying this knowing that if there was a hell I will probably be giving motivational speeches there soon.

Sermon over.

Class is now in session. Women, feel free to hang around and read this next part but it's not directed at you. I would be the last one to suggest that I know what's going on in a woman's mind. But guys, listen up.

What the hell is wrong with you all? Seriously.

This morning I woke up and rushed out of the house to get to bible study that I was already 45 minutes late for.

Now normally if I were this late I would have let it go and stayed in bed. But on Friday Jim, a guy that I am pretty close with and who is also in the class called me at home. I didn't get the message nor did I get a phone number to call him back because my wife erased the message and didn't write down a number. Jim is going through a weird divorce and I feel like I've been able to help him in a way because his wife is crazy. I've been there...Im crazy too.

So I get to class and the place is packed which is unusual. I wanted to just stand in the back but the woman running the class invited me to sit up front next to a woman I knew from my divorce class. I wasn't comfortable sitting next to her. I mean to say that she is way over the bar on the good looking chart and she makes me nervous. So I sit down and move my chair back so I can't make eye contact with her. I'm being a good boy. I do choke a bit at the end of the class where we rise, hold hands and say a prayer. And I will tell you all this right now...holding her hand felt good, and not in the 'sisterly, we're all god's children kinda way.' But I dismiss this as a simple reaction to me being denied any physical interaction with a female for way too long and I'm out the door before they can say 'amen'.

After the class I meet up with Jim and we discuss what's going on. He and his wife split up a year ago but they still get horizontal every once in a while. The wife is on medication and is seeing a therapist (see, I told you I could relate). Now if I were Jim I would stay away from her. I mean really, until she gets her own head together she's going to be bad news for him. And he's honest about it, but he loves her. I get that. At least he seems to understand the situation from all angles so I'm not worried for him too much. And just as we are about to say our goodbyes..above average hottie comes up to us.

Really god, is this a test, because you know I suck at tests.

So her, Jim and I talk for a bit and he excuses himself as he's late to go wherever god is whispering in his ear that he must go to just so god can see me squirm.

And then it's her and I.

I throw out all the small talk that comes to my mind as she's batting them away with as little to say on the subjects as possible. She's trying to steer the conversation into a direction I just don't wanna be steered into. But she asks the question, "So, what's going on with you and your wife"

And at that moment I hear god falling to the ground rolling on the floor in laughter.

I truly wanted to run very quickly to the doors and drive away but my legs weren't listening to my head at all. Apparently they agreed with god that this was all damn funny.

'No change' I say, 'we're still in the same situation as we were before.' And then she said 'well I remember how bad it was when I found out my husband was cheating on me.'

So I start cursing god hoping he would strike me down and end this but no, he was too busy laughing.

Then she said something interesting. She said that the idea that her husband was having sex with someone wasn't as hurtful as the idea that he was kissing this woman and telling her he loved her. And I thought that it was the opposite for me. Knowing that someone I loved was having sex with another guy would be far worse then the kissing and junk.

I wonder if this is an across the board difference between men and women. I just wanted to throw it out there as a topic for discussion. Which is worse, sexual or mental infidelity? I know both are hard to deal with but pick the harder of the two.

BUT ANYWAY!!!!!

What is up with you men who cheat on your wives? I know I am treading on thin ice as I've been bad too. So maybe this is me asking for help understanding why we do it.

The thing about me cheating was that it didn't take me long to figure out that there was something wrong in my current relationship so I left, but some of you guys just think you can have your cake an eat it too. And the ways you all get caught, email, phone messages...how can you all be that dumb?

And as I'm looking at this woman I'm trying to figure out what the hell was so bad about her that made her husband cheat. She's easily a General in the Army of the Hotties. She gave him kids. She's intelligent, well spoken and obviously goal orientated. So what was it?
My mind goes to the sex (cause it's been a while for me and I'm a man). Is this woman not so much the bedroom minx? Is the new woman that much better? What was the reason for putting your wife and kids through all the hurt?

Come on guys..whats the deal? Be honest and leave me some comments.

Peace