Friday, May 30, 2008

Green Tinted 60's Mind

Last night Nikki came to me and said, "Someday tree frogs will rule the world." WTH???

Stephanie, Nikki's teacher made a comment that Jessie was like me, carefree, happy and always smiling. She must have been talking about the inner me. She said that Nicole was more like her mother, moody and serious.

The thing is that I think Nikki is more like me. I know she's got my stubbornness. She's extremely creative and it seems like her mind is going 1,000 miles an hour all the time.

The one thing that we disagree on is the tree frog thing. Everyone knows that Garden Gnomes will soon be this planets Overlords.

Something weird has been happening with the kids lately. They're actually playing together. No really. I mean like sitting on the floor and interacting without hitting or being hit. The truly astonishing thing is that Nikki has initiated most of the encounters. Jessie will be sitting there all 'minding her own business' and whatnot playing with her dolls or Shrek toys (huge Shrek fan that one) and Nikki will come along and start playing with her. And Nikki plays by Jessie's rules which I find discomforting. Nikki is fine with Jessie leading the doll parties. It's giving me the heebies (actual word regardless of what my spellchecker is saying)

Nicole has always been a solitary creature. She draws or colors or builds her animal towers/parades (I'll post a pic so you can get it). When I go to pick her up from school if they're on the playground more often then not she'll be off by herself looking for bugs or dandelions. Occasionally she'll have Aiden or Rosalie in tow. That's the daddy in her.

So all this new sisterly bonding has me quite unnerved.

Clem update - The little turtle that could is still coulding. He comes right up and grabs worms out of my fingers. He doesn't swim around a whole lot but he has his moments where he'll go explore his surroundings. I am beginning to believe that he is in fact a she. I'm not sure I like the name Clementine though. We'll see.

I may have a job that pays actual cash money (unlike the whole raising two daughters thing). I submitted two of my blogs (Judgement Day and Little Drummer Boy) to a company that hires freelance writers. I got an email back saying that they like the style and that they would have a couple essays for me to work on within the next week or so. Kinda cool but my hopes aren't all sky high yet. We'll see when the check arrives :)

I'll be out late tomorrow night, don't wait up.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Bring Your Family Down to the River Side

My wardrobe is a mess.

I mean seriously, my closet looks like it's shared by 4 different people and I don't know that I like any of their tastes. 

So I grabbed a garbage bag and went to work.

First to go was anything that I've had for more then 10 years. I kept one really vulgar shirt that reads "Get a Job" I can't even begin to describe the picture on it as I try to keep this blog somewhere in the PG-13 range. No idea why I kept it. I guess I enjoy the shock value of it. You never know when you may need a good icebreaker.

Next on the list were all the cartoon shirts. I had a couple Taz shirts (love Da Taz) and a few others that I think I've outgrown. Eh, I probably haven't outgrown them but for the moment my head is in another place so out they went.

After that I was trying to get rid of much of stuff that the wife has given me over the years. I don't like wearing that stuff anymore. Makes me feel bad about everything and the last thing I need is to go around feeling bad because I'm wearing a shirt that reminds me of her. Not that I can forget really but I do get my moments of temporary amnesia when I'm in a place where things are much better. Best not to have silk boxers with red lips all over them to remind me that things aren't better.

Funny, I just lost the train for a moment. Crap.

Then I just threw out anything that looked too beat up or worn out. I had a nice heavy black cotton button up shirt that I loved but it's starting to age a bit. A really nice blue and creme stripped sweater where the blue bled all over the creme in the wash and it never looked the same after that. I still wore it but it just wasn't right.

Finally socks and underwear. A few of the socks had holes in them. Our dog Sampson likes to take them out of my dirty clothes pile and run around the backyard with them. Weird dog. Not too many underwear (no idea if underwear can be pluralized) but one or two where the elastic has seen better days. It's funny (not so much of the ha, ha kind) but they say that one of the signs that your mate is having an affair is if she/he goes out and buys new underwear (and no, I have no idea why I thought that was any kind of funny, ha, ha or otherwise)

All of this was the start of my clutter overhaul. I am a pack rat by nature. I own like 5 computers that I haven't powered up in forever. I don't even think they would. I have almost every birthday, valentines, christmas and anniversary card I've received in the last 25 years. Pieces of things that I don't have other pieces for. Tons of magazines of projects I had planned on doing or articles I planned on reading. I also have 3 fairly decent sized collections. One is a 7,000 piece comic book collection when I collected them as a kid. I have a nice collection of M&M items and I have a very nice collection of Taz stuff. It's usually pretty easy for people to buy me things for my birthday or whatever. Unique Taz or M&M stuff was always a winner for me. I'm probably going to trash most of the M&M stuff for pretty much the same reason I threw out those boxers. Still debating about Taz. Maybe I'll just box him up.

Part of this feels like I'm packing up to go somewhere. Not sure why it feels that way. Maybe my mind knows something and it's just not sharing with the rest of me.

I have a couple new things going on that I'll try to share with you all later.

Sleep tight.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

One Lump or Two?

Sorry for the pity party last night. I allowed a weird negative thought creep in and it threw me off my game. I'm back now cocked and loaded. 

But I'm in the middle of a princess tea party/dinosaur safari so I gotta make this short.

This has been cracking the girls up all morning - 


The wife is out tonight so I'll be in overtime daddy mode but I hope I can get a post on sometimes later tonight.

Smooches.

King Nothing

Ok, so, before I start in on this topic I want to ask you all to do something. Think back to the last time you've felt either physically and or emotionally attached to someone else. I'm not talking about your kids or your friends. I talking about that special someone be it a boyfriend, wife or whomever. If it's been more than a week then there's a problem. More then 2 weeks? A very serious problem.

For me it's been over 8 months. Yes, I understand that my wife came to me with her divorce crap 5 months ago but I knew about the things she's doing way before then. And she knows that I know. Any physical connection was fundamental. Emotional connection, non existent.

I'm a very tactile person. I like touching. I like the feel of another persons skin against mine. The sensation of her heart pounding.

It isn't a sexual thing really. It is more then that. Sex is primitive. Gerbils have sex. I'm talking about true physical connection.

I am a living breathing, caring person who has been in a virtual deprivation chamber for too long. Hell even widowers would be taken to task by now.

Like I've said before and truly believe, this separation isn't about me, it only involves me. I am not damaged, nor broken. I am a good man regardless of what my wife and her minions want to believe.

So is it wrong for me to feel this way? I'm fighting to keep the things I truly care about while my wife strips them away day by day. Is it wrong to want something that's just mine, just for me?

Why do I feel bad for wanting this? Maybe because in some way it feels like a betrayal of my children. It feels like I'm in some way putting them second to my own needs.

Vic - You're my hardline support. Talk to me.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

It's Only Wine Michael

I feel like my soul is bleeding.

I don't know what's going on. I just need to write it down so I can take it apart later.

I haven't been sleeping well. Lately it's not that I can't sleep it's just that I'm fighting it.

I've been taking in a lot of peoples problems lately. I like the fact that people feel like they can come to me but maybe I'm overloading.

I want to go out right now. It's 9pm and I want to go to a bar with a million other lost boys and girls. But if I do I would wind up getting drunk and I don't know where I would wake up. Maybe that's what I need. Just find somebody to take pity on me and take me home like some scruffy, underweight dog.

Nikki is hovering. She senses somethings wrong with me. I smile but she's not buying it. She's too intuitive to be only 4 1/2 years old. This is going to crush her.

I know what I need but it ain't happening tonight. Maybe TEC can get me through till morning.

Tomorrow something is going to have to change.


To Bubble Wrap Girl,

I am truly sorry about...

I don't have the words. There are none. 

You are a very strong and I hope you're latest post can help bring you closer to peace.

-William

Can't You Say You Believe in Me

A double standard refers to the treatment of one classification of people differently than other groups of people. - wikipedia

Imagine a married 45 year old man and father of two young children. His wife stays at home and raises the kids. The man is afforded all the freedom anyone could ask for. He comes home late, attends 'special' functions, all in the name of bettering his career and is never questioned by his wife.

One day the man announces he wants a divorce.

The woman is crushed. She asks about his plans for the children. "I'll get them a nanny" he says. The man becomes enraged when his wife tells him that she is not leaving her children or their home. The man then cuts off all financial support. The credit cards that the wife used to pay for food, home improvement items, activities for the children, medical bills for the family's pet are now solely her responsibility.

The husband becomes hostile. He starts to stay out later. He makes private phone calls. He makes snide comments about his wife in front of his children. He lies to friends and family in an attempt to alienate wife. He does everything to try to bully his wife out of her home and her rights.

So here's my question, is this man a hero or should he be tied to a stake?

I stared thinking about double standards as I was writing a piece about how Sex in the City is responsible for the corruption of our society. My struggle with this hypothesis is that 1. I believe that art in any form has a right to be and 2. It's not the art that is to be blamed but instead the masses and how they are influenced by it. Just because a 14 year robs a liquor store doesn't mean that his video games drove him to committing the crime. But we blame Grand Theft Auto because we are too weak as guardians to shoulder the responsibility.

But I digress...again.

The premise of Sex in the City is how a single woman and her 3 friends struggle through romantic relationships looking for that perfect man. The double standard comes into effect when we take a look as how the men of this show are portrayed. More often the not these men are chauvinistic womanizers who lack compassion and are often times just plain dumb. And it's always the mans fault when these women wake up with that weeks idiot in her bed as our heroine asks herself "why did I do that"

Ask yourselves, if this show were about four guys who go around using women like tissues then whining about they can't find true love, would we tune in every week or would this show be condemned as exploitation.

Give me one example of one show that portrays women as disposable, bungling idiots because I can give you at least 5 examples of shows that do this exact same thing to men.

And the thing that bothers me the most is how the viewers of this show grabs a cup, chugs down the poisoned Kool Aid and then gleefully asks for seconds. As the main character cheats on the one true good man in her life we are asked to feel sorry for her because....hmmmm, why should we feel sorry for her again? Here's your Kool Aid.

Sorry, this topic kinda bleeds into another topic that I wanted to address at some point. I originally used a bunch of these statements to support my position about how today's media is making it easy for society to reason away our unethical behavior. I may post that at sometime in the future. Who knows.

4 more days till the weekend everyone. Hang in there

Monday, May 26, 2008

Creed

Just something I wanted to share. I drew this shortly after the 9/11 attacks. The original measures almost 3.5 feet by 1.5 feet.  All of it hit me very hard and it's something I hope that we as a country never forgets.

Seasons Don't Fear the Reaper

Another great day shot to hell by bullshit.

Edit - I just wrote a bunch of hateful and mean shit. I honestly wanted to post it all but I'm beginning to actually believe my own words. I am better than she is, my soul is purer, and I won't sink to her level.

But I probably will tomorrow :P

And to whomever is watching over me right now, thank you.

ANYWAY!!!!!!

Nikki and I had a fantastic day. My wife took Jessie out for some one on one time. Nikki wanted to get onto GW and play tag in the GH (no worries if you don't understand that code). But I had other plans. I got her in her bathing suit and took her to the river to rent a jetski.

Nikki was a bit intimidated at first. Being in a river and not a pool concerned her a bit because there were no edges to hang on to. Add the loudness of the jetski and she was a tad on the freakin' side. I got her on and we puttered out into the water.

After we got clear of the 6 mile an hour markers I gave it a little gas and I could feel Nikki tense up behind me. I killed the motor and asked her if she was ok. She said that she didn't want to go fast and I replied "I thought you were my little speed girl" She said "Oh yeah." and from that moment on I couldn't go fast enough for her. She was laughing and screaming "faster, faster." And she loved riding the wakes. I would catch some air and she would be laughing so hard that I though she was gonna fall off.

But the best times were when I stopped the engine and we just sat there and talked as I hung her over the side to splash in the water. She asked me why there weren't any fish and why the water was green. We pointed out all the houses on the river that we would want to live in. And we waved to other boaters as they passed by. God, she is so pure. Sometimes it's impossible for me to think that I took part in creating her.

And as we returned the jetski, and I put the rental fee on my already maxed out credit card, Nikki yelled to me from the edge of the water, "Daddy, this was the best day ever."

Awesome day.

I Am the Rain King


Music is my religion.








In order of importance in my life

1. My children
2. My parents
3. My Sister In Law or music (depending on if my sis in law is being difficult at that moment)

The first real rock n roll record I ever owned was Hotel California by The Eagles. It was given to me on my birthday by one of my favoritest people in the world, my uncle Ed. He also bought me my first skateboard and convinced my parents to buy me my first electric guitar. "If the boy's gonna play then he should play loud" And I did Edward. Thank you.

To this day Hotel California is my favorite album. I've owned at least one copy of it in all it's media incarnations be it record, tape, cd, and now mp3.

My iTunes catalog consists of over 7,000 songs starting with A-ha 'Take Me On' and ending with 58's 'Queer'. My iPod is holding close to 5,000 songs and if I am not in my house then my iPod isn't either.

My favorite songs in no order except for the number 1 spot are -

Life in the Fast Lane - The Eagles
Bat Out of Hell - Meatloaf
Layla - Eric Clapton
You Shook Me All Night Long - AC/DC
Walk This Way - Aerosmith
La Grange - ZZ Top
Fire - Jimi Hendrix
Werewolves of London - Warren Zevon
Vienna - Billy Joel (First concert I went to. Thanks Dad)
Funeral for a Friend - Elton John

And of course, Toot, Toot, Chugga, Chigga, Big Red Car - The Wiggles

Jessies favorite song is Barracuda by Heart. Nikki's is (depending on her mood) Bleed it Out by Linkin Park or Crocodile Rock by Elton John. They both know most of the lyrics to these and a few others. Nikki's favorite band is Guns and Roses. Nikki can identify Axl Rose from a picture or by listening to him sing. And yes, I will take the blame for all of this. My children are among the coolest 4 and 3 year olds on the planet. And yes, my soon to be ex has made a few snide comments about all of this. But whatever. Until she can interpret the lyrics correctly, her comments hold little value to me. Some people may have been born in the 60's but that doesn't mean that they are experts on drug references in music.

My music has been the one thing in my life that has and will always be there. Every important person in my life has their own personally dedicated song. FYI, Mom yours is Nineteenth Nervous Breakdown by The Rolling Stones (can you remember why?). And Dad yours is King of the Road by Roger Miller.

More than half of the weird ass titles I give my blog posts come from the songs I'm listening to. Don't ask where the others came from cause I just don't know.

I owe my life to music. And that's the truth.

Happy Memorial Day everyone. For those about to rock, we salute you.

And Texasbabe there's your picture. Tit for tat one could say. 

Sunday, May 25, 2008

I'm a Cheap Date

This is not the post I originally intended for today. The post you were supposed to be reading dealt with the one true Satan, Sarah Jessica Parker. HOWEVER, since tomorrow is Memorial Day and seeing as how a bunch of you all will be taking the day off from work I figured what better time then now to start fixing our lives, right?

Ok, I have received a few emails regarding this blog. Some from people I know and others who I don't but I guess that they can identify with what I'm writing. These emails share a common theme and it goes something like this -

Dear William,

Love your blog. I'm sorry that you are going through some tough times but you seem to be handling it well. As for me, my life is crap blah, blah, blah................

Keep up the writing.

Thanks,
Name Withheld

I am not making light of your problems with the 'Blah, blah, blah' and I'm truly glad that you are getting something out of reading my nonsense. So lets fix ourselves together.

I have been at the bottom. The truest, darkest place where I had never been before. A few days after my wife told me she wanted a divorce I found myself in my backyard in the rain, a bottle of pills in one hand and the phone in the other. My plan was to call my sister in law and tell her that by the time she got to my house I would be circling the drain and that she should take the kids and go. Instead I called a suicide prevention hotline and got help. Actually that isn't true, the hotline didn't help me at all. But I found myself laughing when the woman answered the phone and said this "Hello, my name is Joy, tell me what's going on."

Yes boys and girls, the fact that a woman named Joy worked at a suicide prevention hotline just cracked me up. And I never thought about ending myself again.

So here's what we're going to do. I will give you a list of things that I need you to really try to do as soon as possible. This is my list so it may not work for everyone but if you've actually sent ME and email about how much your life sucks then we need to try everything we can to fix it.

So here we go -

1. Go to the mirror and look into your own eyes for 3 minutes while doing nothing. When the three minutes are up say the following phrase to yourself while still looking in the mirror -

'Yesterday is done and gone. there is nothing that can be done to change the past and I must accept that'

Say this as many times as you need until you start believing
it.

2. Identify the one thing you dislike most about yourself and be honest about it. You know if you're fat. You know if you're bitchy. You know if you're a lazy slob. Be honest.

3. After you've identified the one thing you dislike most say the following.

"I am (fill in the blank)...so fucking what.

You are not at any point in your life to start making radical changes. But you need to know what it is you want to change so when you are strong enough you will have a idea of where to start.

4. Do something that you would NEVER normally do. Start up a conversation with stranger, hit on the Food Lion cashier, go to the mailbox in the nude, whatever. Just do something grand and totally out of character. You need to get the adrenaline pumping, your heart needs to race. And if what you decided to do didn't make you pee your pants a little (if you were wearing them) then try something else. You have to understand that it is possible for you to change. If you don't then you will never believe you can ever be in any place better then where you are now.

5. Reward yourself for doing that one thing. Eat something you know is bad for you, send yourself flowers, sit in the bathtub all day with a couple glasses of wine and a book. You deserve these things.

6. Identify why you are distressed. Many of us are out of sync because someone we know is or had treated us like crap. If this is where you are now I want you to go back to your mirror and say the following.

"I am a fucking moron for allowing that person to dictate the way I feel."

If you wanna be a healthy an eventually happy again you have to understand that it's not the other person tearing you apart. You are the one tearing you apart. Do not fool yourself into dumping this on anyone else because if you do you will never truly recover.

7. Lastly, drown yourself in something that will help you forget about you. Be it your children, a church, your friends, a sports team, or an online video game, submerge yourself in it totally and completely. Find a reason to be happy and continue to do it until you start to feel the change from negative thought into positive feelings.

Do these things. I promise you will feel so much better about life that some day all this despair will make you feel like an idiot.

And really lastly, if this helps you at all let me hear about it. Leave a comment or send me an email. The two things I am trying to drown myself in are my children and helping others. And I'm an egomaniac. :)

I love all of you, even if I've never met you.

...and smile damn it.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Playtime

It's just 10am and I'm already an idiot.

After my usual Saturday am session with Eric I decided to go to Barnes & Noble for a cup of coffee, people watch, and get some writing done. I figured that I should probably use the bathroom as the coffee I had earlier was going to want to exit my body at some point. It would most certainly want to do this during some self important mid sentence ramble and cause the train to derail before I could pull into the life altering break through station. I don't know exactly how I ended up in the woman's room but I did appreciate the fact that the two women washing their hands and a healthy sense of humor.

I've been thinking a lot about the woman in my divorce care class. The same woman I bumped into at this very store last weekend. Her depression, her despair seems to be so great that she has given up the hope of a happy existence after divorce. I feel terrible for her.

It is near impossible for a healthy person not to feel that they were in some way responsible for their mates unhappiness and eventual departure from the relationship. Just as it difficult for the person initiating the separation to accept that the road to their happiness lies within themselves, we struggle to grasp this concept as well. And as the ones left behind it is extremely important to acknowledge this fact before we can expect to heal.

"Well, what's wrong with me?" Even if we haven't asked this question of our friends we most assuredly have thought it at some point. And you know, it's totally natural to feel that we did contribute to the other persons dissatisfaction with their lives. But within each of us lies the power to change. Some work towards this change in healthy, productive ways while others continue down their paths of self destruction.

My wife has and will blame everyone but herself for the sad events of her life. As far as I know from family and friends, she has to yet be able to truly connect to anyone in a romantic relationship. Maybe it's because she fears giving of herself and being vulnerable. Or maybe she has yet to come to terms with what she is really looking for in a relationship. Maybe the divorce of her own parents have left a few scars. Either way she continues to repeat her destructive actions. And in the end it is never her fault, it's always the other person. Well, I guess it helps her sleep at night.

And as I talk to my friend and listen to how hard she is taking all of this, part of me just wants to shake her until she sees the truth. But the fact is that no matter how much we want and try to help a person work through all of this, only they can take that first step.

And if any of this has helped any of you, please send a check to -

William Hoyt
910 Fortune Pl.
Edgewater, MD 21037

I also accept baked goods and pictures of your pets as payment for services rendered.

Caio

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Stink Bugs

Today was Nikki's last day at school. I'm going to miss the moms and dads who I got to know and I hope we're able to stay in touch over the summer.

The big 'year end event' consisted of a picnic. Most of the moms and a few of the fathers were there. Tony, who is Jen's husband, showed up. That was extremely cool. I didn't really get a chance to talk to him much during the year so this was a good thing. The original plan was that the parents would drop the kids off as usual and then come back an hour early for the picnic. Tony and I stayed the entire time. It could have been the kids, or the conversation but I know the reason we stayed was the Play Dough. If you haven't messed with that stuff in a while do yourself a favor and go buy a can.

My wife actually showed up for the picnic which was cool. I know the kids were glad to see her. I actually ordered her dinner (stuffed shells that she likes) when I ordered pizza for me and the girls tonight as a thank you. Wow, maybe I really am better. Eh, we'll see how tomorrow goes :P

Night guys

Burn Down the Mission

Last night was one of those milestone nights.

I started going to a divorce group at my church when I first learned that someday I would find myself ......divorced. The class pointed out a few things that I had never considered when I thought about what my tomorrows would bring. For the most part I was a wreck and while I tried to gain all the insight I could, I found that all I could think about was where my life was at that moment and it wasn't good. So when my friend Jim told me that the class had started back up again I figured that I should give it another shot.

As I pulled into the church parking lot and got out of my car I saw Annie. She is a woman who I had met during the last set of classes. She has been coming to the classes to support a friend of hers. And when she saw me she practically screamed. She hurried over to me and gave me a big hug and then said, "what happened to you?" and I was all "?????." She then said,

"You look great! "

She asked if something had changed, if my situation had improved and I said yes and no. No, life at home is still a challenge but I feel better about everything. I'm actually looking forward to my life now.

I keep writing about how I have changed, about how I'm becoming more outgoing. And it's true. I don't know why, maybe it's the knowledge that I have to keep a strong network of friends for me and my children. But I'm the assertive one now. I want friends to go out and talk with. I want to be a source of strength for others which is something I find I can do very well now. This divorce isn't an end, it's a beginning. A beginning to a much better life.

I cannot tell you how fantastic I feel. A weird thing for me to say, even in the best of times.

The class itself was interesting. There were a few people who I met from the last session and a bunch of new people. I would like to at this point to remind everyone that it's been a while since I've um....ah, well it's been a while. There were two new women who I found interesting. And yes I know, divorce class in church isn't the place to be picking up women. And I really have no intention of actually doing any picking. It's just refreshing to know that when I do have intention, the crops are looking real ripe.

The topic of discussion this week was depression. Been there, done that. The mantra was you can't heal until you forgive. Ah well, I guess I will never truly heal then 'cause I sure as hell won't forgive. And I made that known. BIG MISTAKE. I got the whole 'The bible says this and the bible says that' so I amended my position and said "ok, fine, I'll forgive my wife for what she's done to me but there will never be any forgiveness for what she's doing to my children." And the room went silent. Then the woman leading the class picked up her bible and said "Be assured that god has a special plans for people who harm our children."

And I said "Well I hope it's the whole plague of locusts thing. That would be nice" And the whole room busted out laughing except for the really cute woman on my right.

Ah well, can't win 'em all. But I'll be winning enough........ someday.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

......But at Night I Deal Death


I'm an introvert.

That may not be the best way to describe my personality but it's probably the easiest way.

Anyone who knows me outside of my family would probably never use this word to define me. In groups of people I tend to either be a complete wallflower or insanely over the top. But left on my own I would rather not be around people.

I am a gamer.

In high school my best friend Jeff and I would head to the arcade during lunch and many times wouldn't make it back till last class.

Later in life my brother in law and I would burn entire days playing video NFL 2k 4-6 and Halo.

Games were a way for me to develop friendships.

When Nikki was born I found that I had a ton of free time between late night feedings. And taking care of Nikki and then later Jessie during the late night, early morning hours became pretty much my responsibility, This was partly due to the fact that I really wanted my wife to get a full nights sleep as she worked all day but also she is a complete grouch if she has to get up in the middle of the night. So I found myself staying up till 2am pretty much every night killing brain cell after brain cell in front of the tv.

Then one day a few months after Jessie was born I discovered Guild Wars.

Not to get too technical but Guild Wars is an online game (similar to World of Warcaft which some of you may have heard about). The simplest way to describe it is that your character goes on quests killing monsters and collecting gold, new weapons and armor. The backbone of the game is that you do all this with groups of other people. These groups are called guilds and every guild has it's own name, hall and capes. So this defines the game.

But the truly great thing about this, especially for me is that when you have the same group of people hanging out, sharing a common interest, you tend become friends.

As hard as it may be for those who haven't experienced this, the people I have met and played with online have been as close to me as anyone I have met face to face. I think the reason for this is pretty simple. Online you only have to care about someone if and when you want to.

Through my Guild I have become friends with people who live all over the world. I can get online right now and talk to people in Canada, Sweden, Mexico, The UK, Australia, Thailand, New York, Georgia, Washington, California, Illinois, Florida and a dozen other places. As a group of friends we have been each others support through divorces, births, deaths, illnesses of loved ones, lovers quarrels, graduations, and going off to fight in Iraq. Killing the big bads takes a back seat on most nights. We prefer telling dirty jokes and relaying all the cute things our children did that day.

My online friends have been a huge source of support through this separation/divorce. Most of the comments left on this blog are from them. 75% of the emails I receive are from them asking if I'm ok or if I need to talk. They are there for me because they care about me. I never thought that when I spent the $40 bucks to buy this game 3 years ago that it would give me so much. I would do anything for these people and I have no doubt that that would do the same for me and my girls.

TEC..... /bow

Counting Oranges

It's raining again today making it 7 out of the last 8 days that we've been wet. I love a good day of rain, even two days is fine. But all this rain and clouds has been sapping me of my energy. Not good.

I am currently undertaking the task of getting all the pictures of my wife off of my computer. I'm just sick and tired of looking at those 'happy times' knowing what I know now. I would love to just trash them all but I won't. I figure the kids may want to see them some day. For now I just need to back them up and delete the originals. Of course for me to do this I have to actually look at them and it makes me a little sick. It's like, how much of the last 10 years has been a lie? Maybe I need to wait till the sun comes back out. If it ever does.

Nikki has one more day of school. Like I wrote before, I am trying to keep my network alive so that Nikki had some friends to play with over the summer. In the past we spent a bunch of time with my sister in law and her own kids but they are a bit older than Nikki and Jessie and while everyone loves everyone else, it's not the same as having friends your age to play with. In order to do this though I need to stay outside of my box and keep up with the moms and dads in Nikki's school.

And in other news -

Clem is doing well. He will take the worms I feed him from my fingers. He loves just hanging out and chillin'. I am however beginning to believe that Clem is actually Clementine. I may take him/her in to have this mystery solved tomorrow.

I'm pretty sure I have pneumonia. Meh, whatever. Been hacking for the last two weeks. I'll get over it.

Went to the gym for the first time in two weeks. I felt bad that I haven't gone in a while. I felt worse afterwards. Got to eight miles on the bike and my legs threw up the white flag. I did get all of the weight stuff done but I'm paying for it now. Body is all types of sore.

I fell of the Food Lion Girl wagon. I went 6 whole days without seeing her and then........ It's ok though. I think I'm over my crush. Just thought I'd share.

In case you didn't notice I changed the name of the blog to something a bit more original. I also changed some of the pics to the left ------>

Sleep tight everyone.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I Have Sand in My Undies


Coming in at number 1 on this weeks 'thank god I have real friends' list was this email invite.

Dear William Hoyt,

You're Personally Invited...

You're personally invited to join (name withheld) for a luxurious spa retreat. Arbonne's SeaSource Detox Spa™ offers soothing marine botanicals to encourage relaxation and restoration. Deeply cleanse your body of the internal and external toxins that come to us through the air we breathe, the water we drink, the objects we touch and the food we eat. Set aside some time to pamper yourself from head to toe with an intensely purifying and rejuvenating spa journey.


Ok, Before you start in with the 'real men don't do Detox Spas' speech let me explain. This is a party given by one of the nursery school mothers as a relax and unwind get together. It's not about what the event is but rather I'm one of the girls.

But I'm accepted as a male, as a stay at home father, and as a friend. They all know what's going on in my life and I have never once felt that they questioned my dedication as a father or a husband. And when your wife is out for blood as much as mine is it would be an easy assumption for any of these women to make that I must have it coming to me, that I did something wrong. Be damned assured that if any of them thought that, this invite would never have come. Moms, real moms don't play.

This invite is such a big deal to me, I can't even begin to explain.

My last post felt strange. Was this truly how I feel? This whole new acceptance of what was really in my heart felt untested. And then she left the house.

It almost feels like she's trying to get to me, and I'm sure she is. When I came home at 4pm yesterday afternoon I knew to expect the usual from her. Once I got home I knew she was going to go out. And she did. She got on the phone and said "yeah, he's home now" then some whispering. And she was out the door. And I'll be the first to admit that in the past it did get to me. Not this time. I was glad she was gone. Hell, I almost said 'have a good time' as she left. It felt good.

Don't get me wrong, there is a very real sadness for me. We had a life together that is coming to an end. And moving forward I know things will be tough at times. But now I feel like I can breathe. The one weakness I had isn't there anymore. It feels good.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Today We Did the Impossible, and That Makes us Mighty

I was wrong, no change that, I was lying to myself in believing that I would be willing to accept my wife back into this marriage if that was something she wanted. The truth is I wouldn't.

The truth is that she has lied, cheated, treated me like a criminal, mentally abused both me and my children, and has done everything in her power to push me out of my rights as a father and a man. I can't look at her now without being sickened by what she has become or maybe what she truly has been all along.

She got whatever it was she thought she wanted and then blamed everyone else when she woke up to find she still wasn't happy. She wants a new life now. She wants to be the party girl and be with whomever doing whatever. Meanwhile she has made me and our children the scapegoats for her unhappiness.

And you know, I should have been where I am now 4 months ago when she first said she wanted a divorce. I was in shock and scrambling to understand it when the only thing I needed to come to terms with was what day it was. 4 months ago when she said she wanted out was the 10th anniversary of the day we met. How cold and heartless does one person have to be to pick that day of all days to drop something like that on someone?

I ran into the woman who I met in my bible study class yesterday at a bookstore. I mentioned her in one of my earlier posts. She has the husband who has been using the threat of divorce to get whatever it is he wanted. We talked for a bit and she started crying. She said her husband has started with the divorce and he told her this (followed by a call from his hired mediator) on Mothers Day. And to top it off, their son is getting married in two weeks so she's going to be forced to be in the same room with this bastard for an eternity. It made me sick just trying to understand how anyone could be that twisted and hateful. Of course this just hit me in the middle of my forehead. I'm living that hell too.

I met with Eric (my therapist) Saturday morning and since I hadn't seen him in a couple of weeks we went over all the things that had been going on in my life. Afterwards he just looks at me and asks me what I could live with going forward. And I started in on my rehearsed lie.

"You know, I don't care if my wife and I could ever get back to happy. But I would do anything if we could keep the family together for the children. I would do anything, overlook anything that's happened and just get by if it meant the kids didn't have to go through a divorce."

And he just kind of looks at me, and I look out the window for a minute and then say, 

'She's heartless and cruel. She has no regard for the happiness of our children. She's abusive and she flaunts her 'new life' around like she can't be touched. The thought of being around her much less ever touching her ever again makes me gag. And there is no way in hell I could ever forgive or forget what she's done. The idea of putting my kids through a divorce breaks my heart but the thought that I would never be with a woman who I can truly love and trust, someone who can help make me both a better father and man is unimaginable. And I will not teach my kids that it's ok to be someone's doormat. My wife will never truly be happy. Her 'crusade' for happiness, the one that keeps her moving from one situation to the next and then blaming everyone else because she's still not content, hurting whomever gets in her way, this is the last thing in the world that I want my children to view as normal. The lesser of the two evils is a divorce where afterwards my children will be raised in an environment of love and respect.'

It killed me to say that.

Look, you all are gonna believe what you wanna believe. Those of you who know me and who aren't blinded by some twisted sense of morality defending her actions know that I have done nothing to deserve this, and my kids sure as hell don't deserve it. Those who are defending her would be doing her a favor and urge her to get professional help and stop ignoring what her actions are doing to her kids and herself. Of course if you can really look at her and not see that she's in trouble then I can't offer anymore to you. She won't listen to me but she's falling apart and she needs help.

I've got children to raise,
Laters

Thunderbird

They say.

They say that everything happens for a reason which I guess is a spiritual way of saying that for every action there is a reaction.

Take relationship for example. Think about what lead you to be where you were at the exact moment that the opprotunity to meet the one you are currently in love with came about.

For me to meet my current wife, my life had taken a lot of strange hiccups. Not to bore anyone but let's just say that it felt like it was meant to be. And I'm glad it did really. Regardless of how this is going to end, I'm glad all the actions and reactions took the right bounces.

And I'm actually at peace with it all, surprisingly. I deserve this. This is karma coming back around for all the crappy stuff I've done in the past. And as a true believer in reaping what you sow, I know I had this coming. The funny thing is that I had thought I was clear of the karma wheel. I had my wife and kids, how could karma get me. Karma, it would seem, has a long memory and a wicked right hook.

But going forward, the slate is clean.

In the last four months alone I have gained a confidence that has surprised me. I have done more things outside of my little box then I ever thought was possible. I'm not the guy who waits to be approached anymore. I am more outgoing now then I have ever been and I have made many new friends because of it. Honestly, 4 months ago I had no one I could call up and ask to go have coffee. I mean no one. Now, I know at least 6 people who would drop anything to out and do whatever. And while 6 isn't a huge number, it's a start and I have every intention on increasing that number.

And now I don't feel like I have to hide anything anymore. I am by my own admission and in the words of others, over the top. I don't have that filter that most people have. I say what I think and lets the chips fall. The thing is, if you're aware of it you second guess everything after the fact. Not a good way to live.

So take a look, this is who I am. And I'm not apologizing for it.

Yeah, Karma is claiming her due and that's fine. But we're back to even again.

And even is a fine place to be.

Night

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Judgement Day

Ok, let's start by pissing some people off.

There is no hell. That's right, I said it, there is no hell. Now if you all feel that you need the threat of an eternity of fire and brimstone so that you lead a nicer life then whatever. The god I believe in would never allow a hell to exist and he certainly wouldn't send us threats through the words of man to scare everyone into believing it. And no, I'm not just saying this knowing that if there was a hell I will probably be giving motivational speeches there soon.

Sermon over.

Class is now in session. Women, feel free to hang around and read this next part but it's not directed at you. I would be the last one to suggest that I know what's going on in a woman's mind. But guys, listen up.

What the hell is wrong with you all? Seriously.

This morning I woke up and rushed out of the house to get to bible study that I was already 45 minutes late for.

Now normally if I were this late I would have let it go and stayed in bed. But on Friday Jim, a guy that I am pretty close with and who is also in the class called me at home. I didn't get the message nor did I get a phone number to call him back because my wife erased the message and didn't write down a number. Jim is going through a weird divorce and I feel like I've been able to help him in a way because his wife is crazy. I've been there...Im crazy too.

So I get to class and the place is packed which is unusual. I wanted to just stand in the back but the woman running the class invited me to sit up front next to a woman I knew from my divorce class. I wasn't comfortable sitting next to her. I mean to say that she is way over the bar on the good looking chart and she makes me nervous. So I sit down and move my chair back so I can't make eye contact with her. I'm being a good boy. I do choke a bit at the end of the class where we rise, hold hands and say a prayer. And I will tell you all this right now...holding her hand felt good, and not in the 'sisterly, we're all god's children kinda way.' But I dismiss this as a simple reaction to me being denied any physical interaction with a female for way too long and I'm out the door before they can say 'amen'.

After the class I meet up with Jim and we discuss what's going on. He and his wife split up a year ago but they still get horizontal every once in a while. The wife is on medication and is seeing a therapist (see, I told you I could relate). Now if I were Jim I would stay away from her. I mean really, until she gets her own head together she's going to be bad news for him. And he's honest about it, but he loves her. I get that. At least he seems to understand the situation from all angles so I'm not worried for him too much. And just as we are about to say our goodbyes..above average hottie comes up to us.

Really god, is this a test, because you know I suck at tests.

So her, Jim and I talk for a bit and he excuses himself as he's late to go wherever god is whispering in his ear that he must go to just so god can see me squirm.

And then it's her and I.

I throw out all the small talk that comes to my mind as she's batting them away with as little to say on the subjects as possible. She's trying to steer the conversation into a direction I just don't wanna be steered into. But she asks the question, "So, what's going on with you and your wife"

And at that moment I hear god falling to the ground rolling on the floor in laughter.

I truly wanted to run very quickly to the doors and drive away but my legs weren't listening to my head at all. Apparently they agreed with god that this was all damn funny.

'No change' I say, 'we're still in the same situation as we were before.' And then she said 'well I remember how bad it was when I found out my husband was cheating on me.'

So I start cursing god hoping he would strike me down and end this but no, he was too busy laughing.

Then she said something interesting. She said that the idea that her husband was having sex with someone wasn't as hurtful as the idea that he was kissing this woman and telling her he loved her. And I thought that it was the opposite for me. Knowing that someone I loved was having sex with another guy would be far worse then the kissing and junk.

I wonder if this is an across the board difference between men and women. I just wanted to throw it out there as a topic for discussion. Which is worse, sexual or mental infidelity? I know both are hard to deal with but pick the harder of the two.

BUT ANYWAY!!!!!

What is up with you men who cheat on your wives? I know I am treading on thin ice as I've been bad too. So maybe this is me asking for help understanding why we do it.

The thing about me cheating was that it didn't take me long to figure out that there was something wrong in my current relationship so I left, but some of you guys just think you can have your cake an eat it too. And the ways you all get caught, email, phone messages...how can you all be that dumb?

And as I'm looking at this woman I'm trying to figure out what the hell was so bad about her that made her husband cheat. She's easily a General in the Army of the Hotties. She gave him kids. She's intelligent, well spoken and obviously goal orientated. So what was it?
My mind goes to the sex (cause it's been a while for me and I'm a man). Is this woman not so much the bedroom minx? Is the new woman that much better? What was the reason for putting your wife and kids through all the hurt?

Come on guys..whats the deal? Be honest and leave me some comments.

Peace

Friday, May 16, 2008

Walking Through Fire

I found this video while surfing with the kids. There's just something about it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyB6T0YWYFU&feature=related

I received a few emails asking the same question about my wife and the divorce. Please understand that there are things that I just can't discuss here. As for why she's doing what she's doing you all need to read between the lines. She knows the reason for all of this and she knows that I know. This is all I can say about it.

So it's funny Jen, a friend of mine blogged today about bribing kids to help them through get the big life changes easier. Personally I'm all for bribery. I commented on her blog that there were somethings that I just expect my kids to do like eat what I tell them to eat or to play nice together (we're still working on this). But sometimes a little incentive isn't a bad thing.

I haven't been a great parent lately when it came to Nikki and her bedtime. Nikki is a night owl like her father. She wakes up in the morning shortly after 9am and if I let her, she would be up till 2am. And the girl doesn't nap in between. The thing is, I liked having her here with me while I did all my writing and whatever. But that's all over as of tonight. I talked to Nikki today and told her that she had to get back on schedule with the sleep thing and she suggested that I buy her this toy she saw on tv as a reward for going to bed early tonight. Got give her credit, she knows how to play the game.

I may go back into the dark tomorrow....after I go to the gym :(

Love

Little Black Heart

I had a dream last night that I asked Zoe to marry me. Well almost.

I have a lot of very strange dreams. I think my head has problems processing the junk in my life so every once in a while it digs up crap just to throw a curve in my already curvy life.

Anyway in this dream I was on my way to Zoe's house when I found a little lost kitten in the street. I picked it up, put it in my coat pocket and continued on my way. She wasn't home when I got there so I left the kitten inside and left. I called her house a bit later and the kitten answered the phone. He said that Zoe got hit by a truck and that she was in the hospital. He said that no one was allowed to see her except for family. Then the kitten said "I'm hungry man so get your ass over here and feed me." On my way to get the talking cat I decided to write Zoe a letter but by the time I got to her house I couldn't understand anything I had wrote. The only word that I could make out was 'UTIL.' and that isn't even a word.

And then I woke up.

It rained again today which sucks. Jen from nursery school sent me an email about this cool park out in Virginia that would make Nikki go ape doo doo. Something to do next week I guess.

So since my plans got washed out for today I decided to build our 14 year old dog Blazer a ramp so that he wouldn't have to keep climbing up and down the stair when he needed to go potty. The dog belonged to my wife's first husband and after she dumped him she wound up keeping the dog. Blazer is pretty much blind and deaf and he had hip surgery a while back, Steps are tough on the guy so I built him a ramp.

I actually was thinking about buying him a ramp but those things cost around $150. Eh, I had the wood, the tools, and a bit of skill so I figured I could do it on my own. It actually came out kinda nice but as I wasn't so much concerned about the looks as I was the function of it I am pleased.

The cool thing about having dads, well having my dad anyway, is that he likes buying me tools when he's up here. One year he came up and we built a bar for the poolroom upstairs. Not so much 'we' as me. The we part involved a lot of drinking and talking about the project. By the time he left we had the base completed. He did buy me a really nice table saw so that was cool. Last year he bought me a table router. I have no idea why. I don't really use it but it's nice to know that if something needs routing, I'm the guy.

Later

Isn't it a Shame This Ain't the Movies

Ok, what now?

As my regular readers know, my wife has pretty much cut off all financial support.

What does this mean exactly? Well here are some of the numbers.

The first number is the killer. 15k. This is what I currently owe in credit card bills. I have two credit cards that are in my name alone. I've had my CitiBank card for a while and when the balance got too high we (yes this was a joint decision between my wife and I) I got another card to at a lower rate and transferred the balance over. However as time went on the balances got jacked up again and now it's all about 15k worth of debt.

A not so funny little side note - My wife who was in charge of paying the bills didn't pay one of my credit cards in time and the interest rate got hiked. I find it odd that this happened right before she came to me with the divorce news.

I have about $250 worth of monthly doctors bills. This includes prescriptions, a psychiatrist and a therapist. Well, my impending divorce has but me a bit on the looney side. I need the psychaitrist for the pills and a therapist to do all the heavy lifting.

Funny side note - My therapist Eric was once our marriage counselor. I can not tell you how much better it is to talk to a therapist who actually knows the person you're talking about. The insight this man has given me is so worth the money paid. He keeps my on the sane side of crazy.

Gas is another big one. I have an old Jeep Grand Cherokee that drinks gas like it still costs $2 a gallon....the good old days.

The gym runs me about $45 a month. I could quit it and lord knows I would like to but as I'm paying out the butt to get my head back in the game it's nice to put a little care into the aging body as well.

Internet is about $40 a month. For the things that I use it for (this blog, music downloading, legal advice, and gaming) I could knock most of that out an get a dial up connection. But I keep it where it's at for Nicole. All you would have to see is the wonder in her eyes while watching a vid of a new born baby polar bear swimming with it's mother and the $40 is a non issue. I do this for her.

I spend money on the girls. I don't deny that I could spend less but whatever. Like I've said before, I'm not going to start denying the kids the little things because of all of this. I cut back on the stuff I would like for me. I feel better about it all that way.

It all adds up. And it truly sucks to be in this position but I have no choice. Well that's not really true is it I mean I could always accept the offer from my wife and her lawyer. You wanna hear about the offer? Oh, alright.

So I get a letter in the mail from her lawyer a few weeks ago with the following offer.

1. I must leave my house and find somewhere else to live.
2. She would give me $10,000 and $1,000 a month for 6 months
3. I would 'babysit' the kids from 8am till 6pm. After which I was expected to go get a night job.

I kid you not.

Of course I ripped it up and threw it in the trash. This is where garbage goes. And really, calling this letter garbage would be offending the good name of garbage.

And to put icing all over this crap cake, that afternoon I was to interview another lawyer. We talked on the phone for a bit and I mentioned the offer. He asked me to dig it out of the trash and to tell him exactly what it said. So after doing that (taping the pieces back together) I read him the offer word for word.
And he says.

"I am so sorry I wasted your time having you put that letter back together" he then said "I could charge you $500 to send a response but really, your first response was the right one"

So in the trash it went....again.

Not to get sidetracked (oh who am I kidding, I'm all about sidetracking) this lawyer was a total trip. Just a funny, nice guy.

We were talking about adultery (I'm not saying this has anything to do with anything) and he started going on about how the courts judge whether there has been adultery. It's all about inclination and opportunity. He started talking about private investigators and all the tricks they use. (oddly scotch tape is a big PI tool)

And I ask him (again, this has nothing to do with anything...I'm just saying)

"What if you have an email where both parties comment about an adulterous rendezvous after the fact. Is that enough to prove adultery?" He laughed and said that in his 25 years of practicing he has never heard that question asked before. Cool, I'm unique.

I called him again just last week to discuss another wacky William idea. Yes, he is on retainer and I want him to work for his money. I asked "Since my wife and I agreed to me staying home and her providing for us financially, and since I have kept up my end while she obviously has not, could I sue for breach of contract." And he starts laughing he says it's an interesting idea but that it's almost impossible if not impossible to sue ones spouse.

It's alright though. Tonight I have come up with the most brilliant plan of how I can raise money. It'll piss someone off, I'll probably spend a few hours in jail if not a stern talking to by the Crofton MD Police, but I have no doubt that If Albert Einstein were alive today he would be highfiving me this very minute. It's that brilliant...well I mean up until the whole 'going to jail' thing

So, so evil yet funny. Two great tastes that taste great together.

The two things my lawyer always says as we hang up are

1. Never leave your home.
2. If you get a job you will be weakening your chances regarding custody.

It's like some kind of legal divorce mantra. One which I will be having tattooed on my left butt cheek, because of course on my right butt cheek there is a tattoo of a small, fat leprechaun.....but that's another story.

Much love, mas tequila

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Kid Charlemagne

The moms and I don't really talk a lot about the divorce.

Stephanie and I talk about it a little more. You can just tell by the way she looks at me when we do talk about it that she is really concerned about the girls. She's known them both for 2 years and I know she cares a great deal about them.

I talk to Stacey l but she's pretty much gone for the rest of the school year. Jen and I communicate though the blog. And it's so funny if the topic is brought up amongst the group, Jen just smiles and shakes her head. She knows too much :P And Jen cares about the girls. You can just tell by the way she talks and listens to all the kids that she really cares.

But like I said, we don't really talk about it too much. Today we did.

Stephanie asked if the kids were aware of it and I replied no. I don't think they are honestly. My wife comes home between 6 and 7pm and recently she's been coming home much later. On the weekends she takes them out of the house and does whatever. So we really don't have a bunch of time together. I've been watching the kids very closely, looking for the signs that they're stressed and I haven't seen anything yet. If I did think they were being affected then I would have to make some other moves.

Then one of the moms asked a question that no one has really ever asked out loud.

She asked, "Would you accept her back if she wanted it?"

Yes, I would in a heartbeat.

But I wouldn't do it for anyone else but our children.

Our marriage is dead. She's done so many things that I didn't think she would ever do, things that she herself said she wasn't capable of. She's tainted, polluted now. I don't think I could ever get past it.

But I would give up on everything that I could ever have. Give up any chance of anything normal and good in my life if it meant that I could get the children out of this house without damaging them with a divorce.

I would sacrifice everything, do anything.

Not that it's going to happen. Not everyone feels the way I do.

The nice thing was that by looking at the women there, I felt like they knew exactly how I felt and they would do the same. I just pray to god that they never get asked that question.

The Girl Gets Around





My parents were one of the families that got wiped out when Katrina hit Mississippi. They live close to the coast and the swell that flooded their home wiped out almost everything they had. I drove down to help clean up and the one thing that has always stuck in my head was the it was one thing to see pictures on tv and a completely different experience to be standing right in the middle of it. You saw all the wreckage and your first instinct was to call it all a wash and move away. There was too much damage, it was all just too much.

The house just two door down from my parents was gone. The entire house....just gone. There was a concrete slab with a few pipes sticking out and that was it. And I looked at it I thought 'How lucky are these people were. It was the ones who had to wake up every morning and find that it wasn't all just some kind of bad dream who were the ones living in hell. The ones who had to pick through the garbage that was once everything they owned, they were the people I felt sorry for. And two of these people were my parents.

We spent days just trying to salvage what we could and clearing away what we couldn't. But the one thing that everyone took great care to try to save were the pictures. It was like finding gold whenever you found a picture that had survived. The things, that unlike almost everything else could never be replaced.

So here's the preachy part. Think about what you would really miss if you woke up and your entire house was gone. It wouldn't be you 52" tv's or your clothes it would be the pictures. How many memories could be wiped away with one flood or fire.

I know you all have thought about backing up your pictures, especially in today's world where everything is digital. But you have to stop putting it off and just do it. Then buy a scanner, even if you can only afford a cheap one and take all your hard copy pictures and scan them. Take all that data, all those memories get a removable harddrive or buy a stack of dvd's/cd's and back it all up. Then take all of this and go to a bank and open a security box to store them in. Or at the very least take them to your parents or friends house just so you have a copy of everything somewhere else. Trust me, I've seen what the loss of pictures can do to people.

And another thing, if you don't have Wills drawn up that give instructions on how you want your children taken care of in case you die, take care of that soon.

We don't want to think of these things but bad things do happen and these bad things don't care if you're prepared or not.

Spiderman


Day 2 of my Twelve Step Program to forget about Food Lion Girl.

First I have to admit that I have a problem.

But I don't have a problem, really. Yes I did just spend 45 minutes yesterday going through our cupboards and freezer looking for any excuse to go to the store. And sure, every woman I see I imagine in khaki pants and a blue polo shirt. And ok, so there is some strange voice in my head screaming 'Clean up on aisle 4' over and over again.

But really, I don't have a problem. I can quit anytime I want.




Three more days of school left.

I haven't been really good at networking with the other parents. This is due in part to the fact that I just still feel like an outsider. I don't feel like I have a lot in common with them. But a really big part of why I have this problem is that most of the parents who I interact with at Nikki's school are women and I'm not. And unfortunately there will always be a a tension.

I will be the first to admit that in the privacy of my own head there are a couple moms in Nikki's school who I feel all kinds of tingly about. I think that's ok. But they are married and they have kids. There is no way in hades that I would ever do anything that would give them any reason to think of me as anything but Nikkis daddy. And while I would be alright with setting up a play date for our kids, and they would be ok with it, I'm not sure their husbands would be ok. And I wouldn't blame them. There are plenty of scummy guys who don't care who they hurt as long as they get what they want and every man knows that.

Luckily Stacey, who is the mother of Nikkis best friend Rosalie is one of the mothers I can hang out with. I have a good relationship with her husband Shane, as we have been out drinking and we see each other at the gym all the time. The big thing for me will be to set up the play dates and follow up on plans. I am also hoping we can spend an afternoon or two with Aiden.

We also have my sister in law and her kids to hang with. Last year we went to the pool with them a lot and it's something that both NIkki and Jessie enjoy. Jessie was a little scared of the water last year but hopefully she'll be better this time around. The really great thing is that my sister in law loves the kids to death and she is very active with them. She has really been my best friend through everything.

Ok, a couple of parting notes.

First, I have a bunch of stuff written but they are all in different stages of completion. My head has been bouncing back and forth between events and it's been difficult to stay on track to the end. I may need to slow down a bit and I may skip a day or two here and there.

Second, Robert who has been emailing me about his stuff and my stuff wrote me yesterday saying that the paternity tests came back on Tuesday and he is indeed the father. This is great news. He now has a shot at getting some kind of custody.

And lastly two questions asked by Nikki in the last couple weeks that I must relay.

1. Do ferrets fart?
2. Is he called Iron Man because he irons things.

Bye for now

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Youneedanotherloverlikeyouneedaholeinyourhead

So last Friday my wife had made an appointment to get the girls hair cut. Sherry, the woman who cuts the girls hair is a childhood friend of my wife's. I didn't know if my wife had said anything to her about the separation/divorce so I didn't know what level of tension to expect.

So we get there and Sherry is finishing up with another woman. Sherry is in her early 40's I would guess and this woman is late 40's early 50's. Sherry has this really cute little body that makes a man's mind wander. And it doesn't help me at all that she wears these low cut shirts. To make matters worse, to cut my girls hair she has to do a lot of bending over in front of me. That's just a burden I find strength to bear. The problem is that her cleavage puts me in this weird, um.....playful space. And it's not usually a real problem unless there is another woman in the room because I would never hit on Sherry.

Sherry and this lady are talking about this date the woman has that night and about how the rain is gonna reek havoc on her hair. And from somewhere out of nowhere I say,

"Well, on the list of what guys really care about, hair is kinda down at the bottom."

And they both crack up. They're laughing so I decide to push a little further and say,

"I mean the only concern we really have about hair is how it will look the next morning."

And I still have them laughing. Their getting all blushy and whatever and so on instinct I go a bit further. Meanwhile they play all shocked and innocent.

"I'm sure Sherry is well worth the money you're paying her but I can guarantee that for half the cost you could go out, buy the right shirt and make a real impression."

And this isn't really me talking. I guess I was in this zone and I was having fun. But here's this guy with his two daughters laying down some fairly risque lines and it was working. I just wanted a reaction and I got exactly that. And to top it off, the final line that would decide the game. As she bent over right beside me to pick up her purse I said,

"Oh that shirt would work just fine."

She stutters, she blushes. He shoots, he scores...nothing but net.

The thing is that I am different now. Yes, I could lay those lines out there before and depending on the looks I was getting, know what my next line should be. I'm good at that. But now, I'm fearless. Now I play my games because it's fun and I'm not looking for anything but a blush and a smile. I thought I may be a little rusty. But it doesn't look like I am.

Tonight I went to Food Lion again. Hey, we needed sugar :P

My crush is turning into infatuation. Just something about that girl.....anyway. After Food Lion I decided to go by one of the many bars for a drink. I have only been in two of the 8 bars in the area. I'm not a big bar guy. I had enough when I worked in them.

As I was walking in, this really, really cute girl walks right behind me so I hold the door open for her and we caught eyes for a couple too many seconds. Yeah I know, I'm sure I had a booger in my nose or something. I sit at the bar, she sits two stools to my left and we exchange a few glances as I drink my LIT. She gets up to go to the bathroom and I hand the bartender a few bucks and ask him to buy the lady her next drink.

And I leave.

I get in the Jeep, grab my iPod and search for Prince - Raspberry Beret. I turn the stereo up loud. As I'm pulling out of the parking lot I see the girl at the door looking for, I hope, me. She sees me...or more likely hears me and I just smile and drive off.

Sometimes it's better not knowing.

And as I sit here and write this I'm thinking about how much that girl looked like FLG. I'm sitting here crushin'.

Night

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Don't You Just Wish.........


Sometimes I wish my life were a cartoon, then I could give my wife an anvil and push her off a cliff.

See, I really wanted to write about something cheerful like drug addictions but my wife had to act like a ......and now I'm pissed. She says something evil in front of the girls about me not cleaning the bathtub after their last bath and then she tells Nikki that she's not use to having any rules, as if I don't discipline my children. Truth is they don't listen to her but oddly enough they will listen to me. 

So I tell her that she will stop making condescending comments about me or the way I raise them in front of them, and she gives me that stupid looking 'what are you going to do about it' look of hers and I start looking around for an anvil.

"Yes Judge, my wife has shown through her actions that she is a positive influence on our children. I'm sure she would never do anything to turn them against me. And you know what, if she's too busy to raise them maybe we could wait till Charles Manson gets paroled"

This is insane. She cares nothing about what she's doing to them. All her hate has made her blind to the harm she is causing. And hell, the only person she has to hate is herself.

But that's ok, really. Those of you who are so behind her, comforting her when she plays the victim, telling her that it's ok to do these things. All the while two innocent little girls get to pay for it. Real nice. It would take three words from one person (and I know you are reading this) and she would stop. But whatever right? Who cares about the girls. Well sleep tight tonight and when you go to church this Sunday acting all holy and upstanding...well two words come to mind. God and bitchslap.

So I say 'Go ahead and smile but when you come home tomorrow night (she has one of her 'meetings') .... you know, let's not get the lawyer too excited today. Lets just say that this house is full of items, both hers and mine. Who knows what will be where when she gets home.

And she knows it. She can't look me in the eye because she knows what I am willing to do to keep her poison out of my children. And she knows damn well that I know what to do to make her life uncomfortable. I guess she just needs to be reminded. But whatever...

You know, I feel like I may do some yard work tomorrow. There's this annoying Japanese Maple tree that is just bugging me. Maybe I'll do some pruning. Ya but see, then if I start there I don't know where I would stop. I mean I feel bad that I stopped mowing the lawn and now she has to hire a service to do it. I should do SOME yardwork. But I am expecting to have a very busy day tomorrow I mean it is Wednesday and I hate Wednesdays. 

Wednesdays make me want to turn on all the lights, run the washer and dyer non stop, turn the oven on to broil just 'cause. Open all the windows and depending on the weather keep the furnace or the air conditioner on full blast all day. I mean I feel bad because our utility bill is already pretty high...oh wait, my bad I said 'our' I meant the utility bill that is in her name only. 

Eh, who knows. I guess I'll see how I feel when I wake up tomorrow.

So here's the deal wifey, you stay away from my children and I'll stay away from your wallet. I mean really, we all know which is more important to you don't we.

Shopping Cart Jesus



The really unique, cool thing about IVF is that the doctor can take a picture of your baby(ies) before they are placed into the womb. I've always thought that the 4 celled one (top left) was NIkki. No idea why.

I'm toast today. And not the warm, buttery kind. Maybe I'll write some tonight.

C YA


William Christopher I Love You

And even as I write about all the evil crap my wife does, my head is making excuses for her. The truth is that I've been right where she is and she knows it. I made the wrong decisions, I destroyed what was probably the best relationship I've ever known and I will forever regret it.

K, so here's the deal. I'll talk about Kathy just this once and I'll never discuss anything about it again. I was such a bad person and I hurt a truly good woman.

Kathy was my first wife. Kathy was probably the most pure, honest, and caring person I have ever met. And I was a stupid little boy who had no idea how to deal with life.

I met her while I was the chef at a restaurant in Virginia and she was a cocktail waitress. She just seemed so...sweet. She would come into the kitchen completely clueless about the food and I spent a lot of time talking to her. I remember hanging out in the restaurant after working 12 hour shifts just so I could watch her..be around her. But of course with my life nothing came without a hitch. And the hitch here was that she was married.

I know, I know...

But when I say that this guy was an ass, I mean he truly was. First things first, he was bitter. He was the guitarist for a local band called Scream. The same band that Dave Grohl played drums for. Dave went on to Nirvana and then Foo Fighters. Robert, her husband went pretty much nowhere. He was a bitter, bitter person. He treated his wife like crap. He was both physically and mentally abusive. He would make her walk home from work at 2am while he did his drugs or whatever. He had no job because he was a 'rockstar. He was just full of hate. But hey, if he wasn't going to drive her home, well I knew someone who would. And so it began.

One night he was in the bar with some friends and she was working. I was also in the bar having my usual after work drinks. She had gone over to him and he screamed something. And as she walked away I grabbed her hand, went over to the dj who was a good friend of mine and asked him to play a song. The place went quiet as the currently playing song was abruptly ended. I took her to the dance floor as the song 'I Remember You' by Skid Row started and we danced.

To say she was freaking out would be an understatement. Robert was a tall skinny guy, I wasn't too impressed. He had a couple friends with him and they would have been a problem. She said to me that she didn't want to start anything, she didn't want me hurt and I reminded her that I had 5 guys in the kitchen who had my back if it came to that. I also had the eye of our bartender Guy (that was his name I swear to god) and Guy was a big, solid man. I was in no danger at all. Robert watched us for about 45 seconds and then he walked out the door.

And that was that. We fell in love, we got married. Life was perfect.

Perfect until things weren't perfect.

Kathy quit her well paying job to go back to teaching and my new job as an office manager was just starting so we weren't making a lot of money. Then a few moths later she changed jobs again to go work at The Nature Conservancey. And this just sucks so much to write.........FUCK!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, i have to write this and I'm fucking crying.......

We decide we want to start a family and so ..,;''


We want to have a baby and Kathy gets pregnant. And it was such an incredible.....

The fetus dies

And we have to go in to the hospital to have a DNC. It's where they basicy clean out the dead fetus. And I fall apart... I try to be strong for her....=

'We'll try again' I say 'It'll be ok....we'll try again.' And we try again and she gets pregnant again and once again the fetus....NO FUCK!!!!@!!! THE FUCKING BABY DIES

I'm sorry, I should stop but I dont want to. I'm not going to stop.

And so we have another DNC. I fuking want a funeral for my dead baby and they just throw it away.

Bottom line, I start drinking and fall apart. I wind up in the hospital after being found passed out in the bathroom at work. I had stopped eating and my body stopped caring.

And we stop trying. She has a great support network of friends but she's just so far gone. I feel like I have to be strong meanwhile I feel like I'm dying with no one to to care for me.

And then another woman comes along and I gave in...gave up...

One day Kathy sends me an email at work. "Do you want a divorce?"

Hell no, I love you....I'm sorry, I want to be strong for us. You are my life.

I typed YES and hit send. And that was that

I'm not going to reread this or check for typos or misspelling. And I will never read it again. I'm sorry.

William Christopher Hoyt....that was to be my sons name.

Monday, May 12, 2008

I'm Still Cookie Dough

ACK!!! I feel kind of bad about the last post. I really don't want to turn this into a name calling blog. There's enough of that in the world. I guess I just wanted to point out that my wife's entire cheering section is made up of ...let's just say, people of less then stellar values and they are influencing my wife. Maybe I should edit or delete the post. I'll sleep on it first.

Ok, I'm totally crushing on the Food Lion girl.

A while back one of the check out girls at my local supermarket was really nice and discounted a plastic Hanna Montana cup I wanted to buy for Jessie. I took the girls with me one time, she was working and she really enjoyed talking to them. Tonight I needed Pepsi and oranges and while I only had two items I waited in her line just to talk to her. She asked where the girls were and I showed her the present I bought for Jessie (Jessie went poopie on the potty all by herself today). She is way too cute, way too nice, and way out of my league :P

As I was out buying oranges and Bratz Dolls listening to the iPod, a song came on that reminded me of an old flame. I began thinking about how all the special women in my life have their own songs. The list is as follows

Rebecca - Take the Long Way Home/Supertramp
Kelly - Happy Birthday Baby/Jay Ferguson
Julie - Patience/Guns and Roses
Kathy - I Remember You/Skid Row
Zoe - Things Left Behind/Once Hush
My Wife - Tears in Heaven/Eric Clapton

I think I'm gonna give Food Lion Girl - Hot in Herre/Nelly. Not like she's ever gonna be anything other then Food Lion Girl but eh, I'm crushin' tonight.

Love ya

FYI - No Food Lion Girls were harmed in the writing of this post. I have a crush, that's all. I would never purposely bring my girls around anyone who I thought I would ever attempt to go after. I know how to be a good parent.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

I Wanna be a Cowboy, Baby

Today I feel broken.

Today I had to confront my wife about the damage she has been inflicting on our children.

Today I had to remind her that I have a very dark and evil part of me and if she didn't stop taking her anger out on the girls I would open the evil up to her and her world would become very different, very fast.

Today I did the one thing I hoped I wouldn't have to do. I gave my wife a real reason to fear me.

Today I feel broken.

My wife got back from church and said that she needed to go see her mother. No problem. She then tried to hand me two free tickets to the circus and said that if I wanted to take the girls, she would fund it. She said it like she was throwing me a table scrap that I should be thankful for .......AND I LOST IT!!!

I spent last night comforting my child who expected her mother to be home meanwhile her mother was at some party and didn't come home till 2:30am. I'm tired, I'm sick, and I have the shakes from some Ambien side effect. And I should feel grateful that you would pay so your children can go to the circus?

I'm sorry but go to hell.

I finally reached the end. I've taken every bad thing she has thrown at me and my children.  I was wrong in doing it. I was a bad parent.

When we discipline our children it's not because they did something bad. We discipline them so they won't do it again. My wife is not a child but when she acts like one then I need to act like the parent.

So today I told my wife this. "Somehow you have forgotten how much I can hurt a person if I really want to." Then I told her two things.

EDIT- On second thought writing what I told my wife could get her lawyer a little too excited. I'm sure I've done that enough already.

And that was it. I mean sure there was a a lot of blah, blah, BS. She gets this stupid smirk when she thinks she knows more then me or if she thinks she can bluff me with it. I went outside, she followed. I told her to just get out of my house and I'll take care of the girls. She says it's not my house and I come back with 'well half of it is.' This pisses her off. So she decides to take the girls and leave. I will never tell her that she can't take the girls and I can only hope she's at least trying to be a thoughtful mother with them today and not parading other men around them.

And if she does at least try to be a thoughtful mother today then it truly will be a Happy Mother's Day.

But the day was still young and a bunch of interesting stuff was yet to happen. I'll write when the house is quite again.

Intermission

I woke up this morning shaking.

I don't know if it's the Ambien. I don't know if it's the cold I thought I was over coming back with a vengeance. I don't know if it's the 4 hours of sleep I just got but I'm shaking.

I've lost control of my life. I gave it to a mad woman who has no problem tearing me down. She's stronger then I am. She's stronger because she doesn't care who she hurts while I have two little babies I need to protect because the mad woman has hurt them and she'll do it again without blinking. I may lose this because I care and the mad woman doesn't.

At 6am I woke up with one thought, today I'm going to go out and find a woman just as lost as I am and we're going to spend the afternoon abusing each other mentally and physically. And we just won't give a shit for 6 or 7 hours. And I sat up with the clarity of conviction. The junkie is back and he needs a fix, bad. It's so easy to lie to yourself when all you care about is the score.

And I am so fucking good at getting the women who don't give a damn about me. Sometimes I feel so corrupted that I'm actually able to justify the evil I feel inside of me. Sometimes it's ok to hurt and be hurt.

But at 6:01am I opened my eyes and to my right was Nikki, curled up around the teddy bear I bought her when she was in the hospital after she cut open her foot. To my left with her thumb in her mouth was Jessie. There we were, the three of us on a pull out couch and I could feel my soul break.

I will not become the monster again. The one who needs to feed a never ending hunger looking for something it will never find. I am so much better then that now.

Or at least that's what I want to believe.

The moment I held Nicole I was forgiven for every bad thing I had ever done. She was my redemption. To fall back into the hell her birth pulled me from would be the one sin I could never be forgiven of.

I need the touch, the love of a good caring woman. I need to fall at the feet of an angel and be able to fall apart with no fear. I'm not damaged, no matter what any of you may think. This wasn't my fault. I am a good husband and father. And you people who now turn their backs on me, the same people who only 4 months ago embraced me as a friend, can go fuck yourselves. I am stronger then you can possibly imagine and I swear I will find a beautiful, caring woman who loves me, truly and honestly. And she will be such an incredible mother that the difference will be blinding. And all you who are so willing to hurt me and my children in the name of filth will be forgotten.

But I will do all of this in my own time, when it's right for me and my kids.

And for all of you who have been here for me and the kids no matter where in the world you may lay your heads, you have been a gift that I know I can never repay. Thank you