Aftershock

I hope god is enjoying the little comedy of my life cause I'm amused.

First the good stuff. I had the girls this weekend. I picked them up at 6 on Friday and on the way home decided that we needed some groceries so we stopped at the store. The girls and I tend to act a bit insane in grocery stores. I'll race them down the aisles in the cart and all kinds of deviant activities. It's really fun to watch the expressions of the other shoppers as I tell Nikki that I don't know who she is and that she should fine her real parents. She starts cracking up saying "you're my real daddy" then she comes up to hug me and I push her away which makes her laugh even harder. Meanwhile I notice the other parents with children just ignoring their kids while they try to get their shopping done. But whatever, I love having the girls around while I shop. It makes things much more fun.

Took them to church yesterday. There is a part of the service called 'children's time' where the kids will go up to the front and Reverend Betty will have a little sermon for them. Jessie is usually the only child as Nikki will go with Mrs. Holly to the nursery. Jessie will not go to the front unless me or my wife goes with her. So yesterday we go to the front and Reverend Betty starts to talk and she asks Jessie a question. BIG MISTAKE. Jessie, my little talker, starts talking about a splinter in Nikki's foot and she just goes on and on but she's so cute that Reverend Betty doesn't interrupt her. And I look at the people and they're all cracking up. This goes on for 5 minutes of Jessie just blabbering. I have tears in my eyes cause I'm laughing trying not to laugh and as we walk back to our seats people are literally doubled over laughing. Last weekend people were actually clapping for her. It's too funny. So we get back to our seat and Jessie tells me that she has to go to the bathroom. I take her to the bathroom and she starts looking in the mirror. I ask her if she has to go potty and she says 'nope, I just want to look at myself." That's my baby.

After church I take the girls to the mall for lunch and to let them run around a bit. We walk by salon where the girl cuts my hair works. In my defense I would like to state that I have known her for over 6 years and the only reason I go to a hair salon is because that's where she works now. The girls see her and they start banging on the window and she waves to them. I think, 'you know, I could probably use a hair cut' so we go in to make an appointment. She comes up, says hi to the kids and says to me "you jinxed me, I just separated from my husband" and it felt like someone just kicked me in the stomach. 

For a while there it felt like nothing had changed. The girls and I were out running around. We'd go home and mommy would be there and we would all be a family. Then to hear that a friend would soon be going through this very difficult process with a child who deserves better .....it's too hard to handle.

Night

The Dark Defender

Last night/early this morning I hosted a Dexter marathon.

For those of you who don't know, Dexter is a Showtime series about a serial killer. The twist in this overused plot is that 1. Dexter works for a forensics lab in Miami and 2. He only kills killers.

The role of Dexter is played by Michael C. Hall. Hall is most noted for his role as the homosexual brother on 6 Feet Under (another show I loved). Dexter as a child was orphaned when his mother was chained sawed to death because she was a drug dealing snitch. Dexter was found by Harry (the cop to whom Dexter's mother was snitching) in a blood soaked cargo container. Harry then raised Dexter to become a killer. But as I said before, he only kills the killers who escaped legal punishment. 

Watching Dexter try to balance a normal 9-5 life while moonlighting as serial killer who likes to hack up his victims is entertaining. I'm not a big fan of the dialog. With the exception of Dexter's sister and one us his forensic pals, I find the dialog to be dry and uninspired. However, the plot twists are exceptional. I thought for sure that Dexter was going to get busted in the season finale but a well written escape saved the day. I really love this show. 

Anyway, I hadn't seen much of season 2 until last night where I watched the last 6 episodes and didn't get to bed till 5am. Add to this a 9am meeting today and another meeting tonight, I'll be dragging today. 

But it was well worth it.

Willie Wonker (Don't Ask)

It's 3am and I can't sleep. It may be more truthful to say that I don't want to wake up. The thought that I will wake up tomorrow and not hear the sounds of the girls is too much to handle. 

Who's Gonna Gimme Some Sugar Tonight?

Happy birthday to me.

It was weird. I woke up this morning and it took me a while to remember that I have indeed turned 41. I like being 41 so far.

Personally I am in a very good place right now. I'm hoping to have the babies for a few hours tonight as it's my birthday and my wife has a party to go to. There has been a lot of good things going on this week. I'm feeling pretty positive right now. 

However, I am growing more concerned about society and the world. 

I'll be the first to admit that I'm a headline reader. I don't read the newspaper much but for the headlines. I'll read a bit more if something catches my eye but I've found that as a whole newspapers and television news is usually a bunch of the same old same. But hasn't something changed?

So I couldn't tell you much about who's killing whom, who's ripping off or who's getting ripped. I have no idea who's king of the world today or which school is grieving over the loss of their children. It just seems to me that the world has become a darker place over the last half year.

We look towards our leaders as to why we're spending our paychecks at the pumps and all they can do is shrug their shoulders and point their fingers. 3 years ago they blamed it on Katrina so what's the excuse now?  There's still a war going on right? Have we won yet? Are we going to ever win?

Maybe there are no answers any more. Life is what it is. 

Our leaders refuse to see further than their own life spans. Meanwhile we continue to ravage the planet like there is no tomorrow. And one day where just won't be.

Look towards the moon tonight. Trust me.

I wanted to thank my soon to be ex wife. She allowed me to be with my children today. It was the best Fathers Day present that any man has ever received. 

Sincere

Tomorrow is going to be hard. 

Dads are funny, well at least mine is anyway. He's old school. He doesn't 'get'' computers or Tivo or anything semi techi. He tries, I just think buttons confuse him. Watching him type an email is a study in patience. 

The one thing I think I really learned from my father is that when someone needs help, you help. You do what you can for whomever you can no matter what. I'm not sure why he does it. I'm not sure why I do it but I feel obligated to help everyone, sometimes at the expense of my own time or personal enjoyment. I don't do it for the gratitude and I don't do it expecting that I can call in favors when needed. I just do.

He's here now helping me through all of this. I love him and I'm glad he's here but I worry about him. When our children are in pain we must do everything we can to take away the pain. I worry about him because I don't think he understands that this isn't a pain he can ease. Or maybe he does. But he's here and that's all that matters.

Fathers don't have to fly around in capes with a big 'F' on their chests to be supermen. Sometimes just being there is enough.

Nikki, Jessie sleep tight. I love you and I would be there with you if I could.

Happy Fathers Day

I am the Walrus

For some reason God has decided that I should become 'Savior of the Turtles.'

We all know the story of Clem, my little painted turtle who found his way to my doorstep and is now living comfortably, and as far as I can tell happily, in his tank.

Last week while I was heading to the store I nearly ran over a box turtle. Luckily I was able to pull over, stop traffic and get him to the wooded area on the other side of the road. 

Today, as I was turning into my community I found a fairly large snapping turtle who was about to make his way across the street. I pulled over and after giving the turtle a stick to chomp on, picked him up, placed him in the back of my Jeep, and drove him down to the water where I released him.

A few months ago the girls and I found another snapping turtle by the side of the road. and while the one I found today was the size of a dinner plate, the turtle the girls and I found had a shell the size of a hubcap. I picked that turtle up and held it outside the car window so the girls could get a look at it before taking it down to the woods. Nikki wanted to keep it as a pet so I had to explain to her the some turtles just don't make very good pets. Every once in a while Nikki will say 'remember when we found that turtle.' 

Yeah, I remember.

Tomorrow

Where ya gonna be tomorrow?
How ya gonna face the sorrow?
Where ya gonna be when you die?
'Cause nothing's gonna last forever
And things they change like the weather
They're gone in the blink of an eye

Just look at yourself, can you see where you are?
Look at yourself, now you can't hide the scars
Just look at yourself 'cause there's nowhere to go
And you know

Tomorrow
You're gonna have to live with the things you say
Tomorrow
You'll have to cross bridges that you burned today
Tomorrow...
And everything you do, it's coming back for you
You'll never outrun what waits for you
Tomorrow.

And are you terrified by sadness
And have you given into madness
You're running out of places to hide
'Cause everybody's got a reason
To justify how they're feelin'
Maybe you should open your eyes

Just look at yourself, do you like what you see?
Look at yourself, is this how it should be?
Just look at yourself, 'cause there's nowhere to go
And you'll know

Tomorrow
You're gonna have to live with the things you say
Tomorrow
You'll have to cross bridges that you burned today
Tomorrow...
And everything you do, it's coming back for you
You'll never outrun what waits for you
Tomorrow.

Are you waiting for the reason to change?
Are you waiting for the end, has it came?
Nothing's gonna stand in your way...

Just look at yourself, do you like what you see?
Look at yourself, is this how it should be?


Tomorrow - Sixx AM

It's hard to describe what I feel, what I'm going through. I haven't seen my girls in 4 days. I could have never imagined anything would hurt so much. As much as I tell myself that they are ok and that she is taking care of them, it feels like they've died. 

Things are worse now. I don't feel comfortable talking about it because now it's about the children. In the past if she wanted to take out her anger on me that was fine but now it's different. Things are worse and they probably won't be getting any better anytime soon. I don't know how I'm going to cope. I just know that I have to.

Night

I find myself here again because this is all I got. This is all I know.

She called. She said that the kids were safe but she wouldn't tell me where they were until I signed the custody agreement I found in the mail today. Using my children as blackmail is beyond wrong. 

The woman will do anything to get what she wants, even using her own children against their father. Now more then ever I believe that I need to do whatever I can to keep them with me as much as possible.

I guess it will be up to the courts now.

Today I came home to find my house cleaned out and my wife and children gone....she took my babies.

I don't know what I'm going to do now.

Stroke Me (The Billy Squire Song You Perverts)

So where was I??

Oh yeah, the feeling funky thing. Eh, been there done that. Got the bumper sticker.

I was talking with a friend tonight who has been feeling...down I guess. Most certainly there are things going on in her life to give her the blues. She's not currently in a relationship that she's 100% about but then besides Lola and Dylan and BWG who is??

I mean really, maybe it's just me but I don't think I've ever been with my "end of the world" girl. I'm not sure she exists. I guess I go around thinking maybe next time but the next time hasn't been it either. Ah well, maybe next time.

And now that my situation has changed dramatically since the last time I dated. I don't know if I will ever find my end of the world girl. It's not just about me now. I'm a daddy and there's a lot of weight that comes with the title. Hell, my dad knows it. His second wife was for me and my brother more than she was for him. It didn't work out at all because not only was she a pretty lifeless wife, she had the parenting skills of a chalkboard. But he did what he thought was best for us kids. He took the bullet.

So here I am, checking out the market (just window shopping really, can't afford to buy anything at the moment) and I seem to be drawn towards the 'would be a great mother' section. Nothing wrong with that really, just not...eh, I don't know. 

The problem is that I screwed up the last time. The only reason I got married to my soon to be not, is because I thought she could be a decent mother. Or not, I don't know. I guess I now know what I don't want for my girls.

Look, the bottom line is to go with what your heart tells you. Our heads have no business being involved with these kinds of decisions regardless of what the 'safe' us wants to tell ourselves. Our heads can be fooled just as easily as any other part of our anatomy so maybe if we do get fooled in the end it should be at least somewhat tragic.

Night Guys

....and you have those rare occasions when someone will get 4 songs.

Melissa

Melissa is the best. I learned to play almost every one of her songs up till Your Little Secret then she kinda lost me. Still one of the finest songwriters around.

Smiles

The Demons That You're Hiding From

And the funky mood continues.

I'm not sure what's going on with me right now. Part of it may be the isolation. I haven't talked to an adult since Saturday afternoon. I kinda figured that would happen once school ended but I didn't expect these results.

There is something else that's going on that I can't talk about. I'm not even sure why I'm writing about something that I can't go into. This is going to suck for me but it's going to be a lot worse for the girls. It actually may be the action that forces me to do the last thing I wanted to have happen. Sorry for the 007 speak. I just wanted to get this down in case I need to come back to it later.

It's funny how the smallest little things become huge when your circumstances change. The idea that you're important to someone even when you're not with them. Like the idea that they may be thinking about you the exact same moment you're thinking of them. You change your shirt and you just know that they're changing their shirt also. When you look at a star and just know that they're looking at the same star. It's the little things. When you feel like you've lost the person who 'got' you and you can't seem to think about your next step because it's too hard to do alone, the little things kill. 

Sorry, this isn't about what it might seem like. Trust me. Maybe someone reading this will get it.

I'll try to be more grounded next time.

R.I.P Bo Diddly

I'm in a funky mood.

Life is weird. You expect certain things to happen or not happen and when they do or don't happen it can throw you off a bit. I'm thrown.

The thing is I can't think about all the stuff that's orbiting around me. I need to stay focused on the kids and what I think is in their best interest regardless of what other people do or say. Stay focused.

I took the kids to the river today. We live about a block away from Bear Neck Creek which is feed by the Chesapeake Bay. I like taking them down there in the summer when we need to get out of the house. Nikki likes to collect shells and feathers and whatnot. Jessie isn't much of a 'get dirty' girl. She hates sand, always has. Today she surprised me by jumping in the creek....clothes and all. Then Nikki jumped in and they just played and splashed around for a bit. It's nice to see them so happy. I love it when they are.

Called my folks just to check in. My dad wrote me this long letter last week all about the meaning of life. I feel so bad for him and my mom both. I just wish things were different. Divorce is bad enough for the two people going through it. It become hell when you throw in the kids, the grandparents, and everyone else. My dad did say something to me that I can't repeat here, and it was kinda offhanded so I don't even know if he remembers saying it. But if he does, and he's reading this....I will pops.

Night Guys 

Come On Eileen

Ok I admit it, I used to have the hots for Tatum O'Neal.

I think it started with her role in the Bad News Bears and it just blossomed from there. And now my dear, sweet Tatum has been busted for buying Crack. Ah well.

I was just about to write about how calm things have been around here. The wife had seemed to be relaxed maybe even depressed. So just when I think it's safe to go back into the water.......

She took the kids out to dinner and wound up at both her best friends house and her brothers house. When she got home, 1 1/2 hours past Jessies bedtime she was in major crank mode. I don't get it. She bought me dinner last night (McDonalds but still) and a piece of cake tonight. I don't get it. Or maybe I do and I should continue to play dumb.

ANYWAY.

I just received my first free lance writing "assignment". I must in 500 words or less describe the Tour de France as a non bike enthusiast for a biking website. I was hoping for something a bit easier like 'Nuclear Fusion for Dummies' but eh, it's a job.

I shall return...like herpes.

I look at my Daughter and I Believe

Like I've said before, I'm not much of a religious person. I don't really think that there is a right or wrong way of thinking about life, death, or whatever happens afterwards. God or any Supreme being isn't about being the most popular. Jesus Christ vs Sri Vishnu vs Buddha, who wins? Is it the deity with the most followers? The one who's been worshipped the longest?

It's kind of arrogant for us to not allow for the possibility that 'our' God may not be the greatest or, for that matter, the only god.

I'm not knocking religion here, just saying that maybe it's ok to think outside of the box a little

...and a bug just flew up my nose. One sec......

Ok, back.

What I think may serve each of us better is to really dig deep inside of ourselves and follow our hearts path. Enough with the thinking and over analyzing everything. All the rules that make no sense. The one's we chose to follow while disregarding others. Maybe it isn't an all or nothing game.

For me, I believe in two things. Balance and respect.

Balance - For all the good in the world there is evil. For lightness there is twilight. A cosmic scale but also a scale within our own selves. We become reckless, depressed, despondent when we lose our internal balance. Finding and maintaining that center leads to a happier more fulfilling life.

Respect - The idea that within all living creatures is an energy that on a spiritual level is no more greater nor insignificant than our own. Many cultures including many American Indian tribes believed that even the animals they killed had souls. It was about respect that they would pray after a kill. We have evolved into a people who would rather not think about animals having souls. If we did then how could we justify the things we do. To them, and really to each other.

I recently tried to explain starlight to Nikki. About how the light we see in the sky is the dying evidence of a star long gone. She didn't grasp the concept but that's not surprising. She's only four. She then asked me if stars went to heaven when they died. I told her that stars where different than people in that stars don't have a soul. She said "Well in my heaven stars do go there"

Pretty deep little girl. Of course later she said "I like pepperoni, you know why? Because I like pepper and I like roni."


Peace

Merry Go Round

Hey again.

Last night I went to the Arbonne's Detox party at Kristen's house. I must admitt that I had a great time. We did the whole wine/foot soak/girl talk thing and it was a blast. Luckily I wasn't the only guy there as Emily's father went. He and I spent most of the time on the back porch talking. Learned a couple new things about Jen. This chick (and I use term as a sign of affection) is the complete package. She's a dedicated mother and wife but she has this bad girl side that's just.....

The fact that she had no problem at all 'hulking out' in front of us guys was insane. The girl has it going on.

Although today at Emma's birthday party Jen totally ragged on me about the foot soak thing as she had left the party early and didn't get a chance to witness it. I was thinking about deducting some of the cool points she had received but eh...giving me crap about me soaking my feet is so her. So she gets a couple extra cool points. And for the record, my feet are all soft and smooth, thank you very much.

Ok, so today (although it will be yesterday by the time I post this) I took the girls to a birthday party for Emma, one of Nikki's school friends. I don't think I've ever been to a more organized, better planned kids party in my life. There was pizza and a couple of salads so it was easy for the kids to sit and eat quickly. There was a woman painting this kids faces which both Nik and Jess loved. There was a pinata which is kind of a must have I guess, and cake. We were in and out in less than two hours. I mean the kids were having such a good time and in turn made it easier for the parents. Time just flew by. I was having a great time and would have had no problem staying longer but this was nice. I hate long drawn out birthday parties.

I had invited the wife to come with us. Figured it would be good for the kids to see us out together but she was beat. It's the thought that counts right? I should get a couple cool points at least :P

Laters