When you go through a separation/divorce you get the pleasure of going through a whole rainbow of emotions and feelings depending on whether you're holding the pointy stick or you're the one being jabbed in the eye. You know the drill, anger, hate, fear, denial etc.
With fear you can become paralyzed. For me, the only thing that kept me alive at all was my children. I had to be ok for them. I hated that fact but it was a fact and there was nothing I could do about it. So while I was in my day to day daddy mode, William was losing it. My stomach was a constant ball of writhing angry snake. I stopped eating, stopped sleeping. Then one night my heart stopped.
It was just for a few of seconds but I woke but one night to go to the bathroom and I had what I guess may have been a panic attack. I couldn't catch my breath and as I sat down on the tile bathroom floor, I could feel my heart slow down and stop. Somehow I made it back to bed but only because I couldn't find a phone to dial 911.
I had lost 35lbs in a couple weeks, I looked like hell and I felt worse. But the morning after totally surprised I woke up at all, I knew I had to pull it together.
So I ate, then ate again, and then ate some more. I started working out again which was really hard at first but I try to get to the gym 2 or 3 times a week now . The weight came back and I am getting some muscle definition. It's all good, and getting better.
And what's really cool is that I'm getting some confidence. Just because one person treats you like s#!t and makes you feel worthless doesn't mean you are and you have to keep remembering that. If for no other reason then for revenge :)
Now my wife has been falling apart. She has lost a ton of weight and with the weight she has lost all her womanly curves which is really too bad. She looks like a boy and no matter what new clothes she buys, they just hang off of her. I could mention a couple other problems that I know of but I really don't think are appropriate (like that's ever stopped me) but her health worries me. I have no idea what emotion or frame of mind is fueling it but from my own experience, I'm guessing guilt.
And in other news....
While I may lose points and my image of being a good guy may get tarnished a bit I have to admit that I have been thinking a lot about a woman I've known for a while.
I have this theory or concept in progress. Disregarding any spiritual ideas of what purpose our souls serve, I believe that they are somewhat like tuning forks humming our essential being and beliefs. We go around in our day to day lives sending out this soul song while we wait for someone else who's tuning fork is singing the same song.
Now most of us, I know I'm in this group, get caught up in the worldly trappings, whether they be looks, financial success, or stability. We close our hearts to the soul song because our heads tell us that the attributes in the other person are more important or maybe just because we don't understand our own song.
Anyway, my tuning fork has been very loud and strong around this other person. I hate feeling this because I am still married. No matter what my wife has done, the distance she has created between us, the pain maliciously inflicted, the deceit, I am still married. And this other person, well I shouldn't be thinking about her.
But our songs, no matter how brief, have been harmonious.
I think I need a drink. See you in a few :)
1 comment:
You're not bad guy for thinking of this other person. Everyone 'tunes' into someone else from time to time and you're no different. Considering what your wife has done I would be surprised if you didn't think of other women. I'll keep reading.
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