Monday, May 19, 2008

Today We Did the Impossible, and That Makes us Mighty

I was wrong, no change that, I was lying to myself in believing that I would be willing to accept my wife back into this marriage if that was something she wanted. The truth is I wouldn't.

The truth is that she has lied, cheated, treated me like a criminal, mentally abused both me and my children, and has done everything in her power to push me out of my rights as a father and a man. I can't look at her now without being sickened by what she has become or maybe what she truly has been all along.

She got whatever it was she thought she wanted and then blamed everyone else when she woke up to find she still wasn't happy. She wants a new life now. She wants to be the party girl and be with whomever doing whatever. Meanwhile she has made me and our children the scapegoats for her unhappiness.

And you know, I should have been where I am now 4 months ago when she first said she wanted a divorce. I was in shock and scrambling to understand it when the only thing I needed to come to terms with was what day it was. 4 months ago when she said she wanted out was the 10th anniversary of the day we met. How cold and heartless does one person have to be to pick that day of all days to drop something like that on someone?

I ran into the woman who I met in my bible study class yesterday at a bookstore. I mentioned her in one of my earlier posts. She has the husband who has been using the threat of divorce to get whatever it is he wanted. We talked for a bit and she started crying. She said her husband has started with the divorce and he told her this (followed by a call from his hired mediator) on Mothers Day. And to top it off, their son is getting married in two weeks so she's going to be forced to be in the same room with this bastard for an eternity. It made me sick just trying to understand how anyone could be that twisted and hateful. Of course this just hit me in the middle of my forehead. I'm living that hell too.

I met with Eric (my therapist) Saturday morning and since I hadn't seen him in a couple of weeks we went over all the things that had been going on in my life. Afterwards he just looks at me and asks me what I could live with going forward. And I started in on my rehearsed lie.

"You know, I don't care if my wife and I could ever get back to happy. But I would do anything if we could keep the family together for the children. I would do anything, overlook anything that's happened and just get by if it meant the kids didn't have to go through a divorce."

And he just kind of looks at me, and I look out the window for a minute and then say, 

'She's heartless and cruel. She has no regard for the happiness of our children. She's abusive and she flaunts her 'new life' around like she can't be touched. The thought of being around her much less ever touching her ever again makes me gag. And there is no way in hell I could ever forgive or forget what she's done. The idea of putting my kids through a divorce breaks my heart but the thought that I would never be with a woman who I can truly love and trust, someone who can help make me both a better father and man is unimaginable. And I will not teach my kids that it's ok to be someone's doormat. My wife will never truly be happy. Her 'crusade' for happiness, the one that keeps her moving from one situation to the next and then blaming everyone else because she's still not content, hurting whomever gets in her way, this is the last thing in the world that I want my children to view as normal. The lesser of the two evils is a divorce where afterwards my children will be raised in an environment of love and respect.'

It killed me to say that.

Look, you all are gonna believe what you wanna believe. Those of you who know me and who aren't blinded by some twisted sense of morality defending her actions know that I have done nothing to deserve this, and my kids sure as hell don't deserve it. Those who are defending her would be doing her a favor and urge her to get professional help and stop ignoring what her actions are doing to her kids and herself. Of course if you can really look at her and not see that she's in trouble then I can't offer anymore to you. She won't listen to me but she's falling apart and she needs help.

I've got children to raise,
Laters

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sorry man. It's a good thing to get this out and all but I know you were hoping for a happy ending. Just continue beign super daddy and stay away form the church lady lol.

your friend Robert

Tris said...

Hang tough Amigo!U have taken her best shots right on the chin and u are still standing.I know the hurt u going thru man.Hopefully the healing process for u will be a short one.Someone told me don't let it consume u and make u bitter...hold on that was u!And good advice it was my friend.

Tris

MDStayathomefather said...

Oh I hold no illusion that the worst of all this has not yet come. She has committed herself to this so completely that she will do anything and everything to the end.

As for me, I have my children and my soul to help keep me on this path. They are all I need.

Thanks guys