Wednesday, May 28, 2008

King Nothing

Ok, so, before I start in on this topic I want to ask you all to do something. Think back to the last time you've felt either physically and or emotionally attached to someone else. I'm not talking about your kids or your friends. I talking about that special someone be it a boyfriend, wife or whomever. If it's been more than a week then there's a problem. More then 2 weeks? A very serious problem.

For me it's been over 8 months. Yes, I understand that my wife came to me with her divorce crap 5 months ago but I knew about the things she's doing way before then. And she knows that I know. Any physical connection was fundamental. Emotional connection, non existent.

I'm a very tactile person. I like touching. I like the feel of another persons skin against mine. The sensation of her heart pounding.

It isn't a sexual thing really. It is more then that. Sex is primitive. Gerbils have sex. I'm talking about true physical connection.

I am a living breathing, caring person who has been in a virtual deprivation chamber for too long. Hell even widowers would be taken to task by now.

Like I've said before and truly believe, this separation isn't about me, it only involves me. I am not damaged, nor broken. I am a good man regardless of what my wife and her minions want to believe.

So is it wrong for me to feel this way? I'm fighting to keep the things I truly care about while my wife strips them away day by day. Is it wrong to want something that's just mine, just for me?

Why do I feel bad for wanting this? Maybe because in some way it feels like a betrayal of my children. It feels like I'm in some way putting them second to my own needs.

Vic - You're my hardline support. Talk to me.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sorry I got to this late :( I'm an ass.

Yunno what though, I totally get it. It's been three years here...the three years I've been with Jen only ever over the internet :( It's no fun. In fact...it's heart achingly fucking horrible.

Unlike you I'm not a tactile person. I'm not generally a hugger. I don't like touching people or people touching me...lol But, I do like sex. It's always been a way for me to connect. To not have that with the one person I've most wanted to in the world...yeah, I cry at least once a day.

And I don't cry cos I'm a horn dog and want my kicks...it's because I need that connection. And damnit, I'd just like to hold her bloody hand even *sigh*

We all need to connect to people sometimes. It's human nature. To be deprived of it isn't healthy. So you're not feeling anything out of the ordinary, or wrong.

My advice - and it can be taken or ignored cos I know I have a funny way of looking at the world sometimes - is not to deny yourself the fact human contact, and yes sexual contact, makes us feel whole. I think at this point it's very important that your kids do not in any way shape or form get to meet any particular women that you may have an interest in if that interest were to develop. They need to be away from that, even if your wife isn't doing the same.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't act entirely normal now and then and find something in the arms or touch of another person. Hell, that makes me sound bad...saying you should sleep around if you'd like, but I'm not a sexually repressed person and have no kind of religious beliefs in my life so I guess that means I'm morally more flexible...lol

Ok, I've lost track of where I'm going. It's catching. You passed me the art of the never ending train of thought -_-

Just be you, cos you're great :D

MDStayathomefather said...

I am one of the most sexually unrepressed people I know. I mean I've had sex on a greyhound bus..twice. My hang up is that I can't have sex with someone I'm not connected with on some other level. I have had only one one night stand (which just happened to be on the bus) and a near one night stand (airplane) but I just don't do the whole love 'em, leave 'em thing and I don't think I can start now. It's weird and sometimes I wish I wasn't like that but most of the time I'm glad I am.

And you are correct. The children stay out of it. I would never bring either one of my kids within 10 miles of anyone I may be seeing until I know that it's real. I understand this rule very, very clearly even if some people don't. (thanks for throwing that one in btw)

And V, Lola is my goddess in front of whom I kneel, but you my dear are a sinful indiscretion that I oh so enjoy. I knew I could count on you.

A big huggy thank you.

hollywood3808 said...

I am here waiting for you to touch me. . . <3