Intermission

I woke up this morning shaking.

I don't know if it's the Ambien. I don't know if it's the cold I thought I was over coming back with a vengeance. I don't know if it's the 4 hours of sleep I just got but I'm shaking.

I've lost control of my life. I gave it to a mad woman who has no problem tearing me down. She's stronger then I am. She's stronger because she doesn't care who she hurts while I have two little babies I need to protect because the mad woman has hurt them and she'll do it again without blinking. I may lose this because I care and the mad woman doesn't.

At 6am I woke up with one thought, today I'm going to go out and find a woman just as lost as I am and we're going to spend the afternoon abusing each other mentally and physically. And we just won't give a shit for 6 or 7 hours. And I sat up with the clarity of conviction. The junkie is back and he needs a fix, bad. It's so easy to lie to yourself when all you care about is the score.

And I am so fucking good at getting the women who don't give a damn about me. Sometimes I feel so corrupted that I'm actually able to justify the evil I feel inside of me. Sometimes it's ok to hurt and be hurt.

But at 6:01am I opened my eyes and to my right was Nikki, curled up around the teddy bear I bought her when she was in the hospital after she cut open her foot. To my left with her thumb in her mouth was Jessie. There we were, the three of us on a pull out couch and I could feel my soul break.

I will not become the monster again. The one who needs to feed a never ending hunger looking for something it will never find. I am so much better then that now.

Or at least that's what I want to believe.

The moment I held Nicole I was forgiven for every bad thing I had ever done. She was my redemption. To fall back into the hell her birth pulled me from would be the one sin I could never be forgiven of.

I need the touch, the love of a good caring woman. I need to fall at the feet of an angel and be able to fall apart with no fear. I'm not damaged, no matter what any of you may think. This wasn't my fault. I am a good husband and father. And you people who now turn their backs on me, the same people who only 4 months ago embraced me as a friend, can go fuck yourselves. I am stronger then you can possibly imagine and I swear I will find a beautiful, caring woman who loves me, truly and honestly. And she will be such an incredible mother that the difference will be blinding. And all you who are so willing to hurt me and my children in the name of filth will be forgotten.

But I will do all of this in my own time, when it's right for me and my kids.

And for all of you who have been here for me and the kids no matter where in the world you may lay your heads, you have been a gift that I know I can never repay. Thank you