William Christopher I Love You

And even as I write about all the evil crap my wife does, my head is making excuses for her. The truth is that I've been right where she is and she knows it. I made the wrong decisions, I destroyed what was probably the best relationship I've ever known and I will forever regret it.

K, so here's the deal. I'll talk about Kathy just this once and I'll never discuss anything about it again. I was such a bad person and I hurt a truly good woman.

Kathy was my first wife. Kathy was probably the most pure, honest, and caring person I have ever met. And I was a stupid little boy who had no idea how to deal with life.

I met her while I was the chef at a restaurant in Virginia and she was a cocktail waitress. She just seemed so...sweet. She would come into the kitchen completely clueless about the food and I spent a lot of time talking to her. I remember hanging out in the restaurant after working 12 hour shifts just so I could watch her..be around her. But of course with my life nothing came without a hitch. And the hitch here was that she was married.

I know, I know...

But when I say that this guy was an ass, I mean he truly was. First things first, he was bitter. He was the guitarist for a local band called Scream. The same band that Dave Grohl played drums for. Dave went on to Nirvana and then Foo Fighters. Robert, her husband went pretty much nowhere. He was a bitter, bitter person. He treated his wife like crap. He was both physically and mentally abusive. He would make her walk home from work at 2am while he did his drugs or whatever. He had no job because he was a 'rockstar. He was just full of hate. But hey, if he wasn't going to drive her home, well I knew someone who would. And so it began.

One night he was in the bar with some friends and she was working. I was also in the bar having my usual after work drinks. She had gone over to him and he screamed something. And as she walked away I grabbed her hand, went over to the dj who was a good friend of mine and asked him to play a song. The place went quiet as the currently playing song was abruptly ended. I took her to the dance floor as the song 'I Remember You' by Skid Row started and we danced.

To say she was freaking out would be an understatement. Robert was a tall skinny guy, I wasn't too impressed. He had a couple friends with him and they would have been a problem. She said to me that she didn't want to start anything, she didn't want me hurt and I reminded her that I had 5 guys in the kitchen who had my back if it came to that. I also had the eye of our bartender Guy (that was his name I swear to god) and Guy was a big, solid man. I was in no danger at all. Robert watched us for about 45 seconds and then he walked out the door.

And that was that. We fell in love, we got married. Life was perfect.

Perfect until things weren't perfect.

Kathy quit her well paying job to go back to teaching and my new job as an office manager was just starting so we weren't making a lot of money. Then a few moths later she changed jobs again to go work at The Nature Conservancey. And this just sucks so much to write.........FUCK!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, i have to write this and I'm fucking crying.......

We decide we want to start a family and so ..,;''


We want to have a baby and Kathy gets pregnant. And it was such an incredible.....

The fetus dies

And we have to go in to the hospital to have a DNC. It's where they basicy clean out the dead fetus. And I fall apart... I try to be strong for her....=

'We'll try again' I say 'It'll be ok....we'll try again.' And we try again and she gets pregnant again and once again the fetus....NO FUCK!!!!@!!! THE FUCKING BABY DIES

I'm sorry, I should stop but I dont want to. I'm not going to stop.

And so we have another DNC. I fuking want a funeral for my dead baby and they just throw it away.

Bottom line, I start drinking and fall apart. I wind up in the hospital after being found passed out in the bathroom at work. I had stopped eating and my body stopped caring.

And we stop trying. She has a great support network of friends but she's just so far gone. I feel like I have to be strong meanwhile I feel like I'm dying with no one to to care for me.

And then another woman comes along and I gave in...gave up...

One day Kathy sends me an email at work. "Do you want a divorce?"

Hell no, I love you....I'm sorry, I want to be strong for us. You are my life.

I typed YES and hit send. And that was that

I'm not going to reread this or check for typos or misspelling. And I will never read it again. I'm sorry.

William Christopher Hoyt....that was to be my sons name.