Ok, what now?
As my regular readers know, my wife has pretty much cut off all financial support.
What does this mean exactly? Well here are some of the numbers.
The first number is the killer. 15k. This is what I currently owe in credit card bills. I have two credit cards that are in my name alone. I've had my CitiBank card for a while and when the balance got too high we (yes this was a joint decision between my wife and I) I got another card to at a lower rate and transferred the balance over. However as time went on the balances got jacked up again and now it's all about 15k worth of debt.
A not so funny little side note - My wife who was in charge of paying the bills didn't pay one of my credit cards in time and the interest rate got hiked. I find it odd that this happened right before she came to me with the divorce news.
I have about $250 worth of monthly doctors bills. This includes prescriptions, a psychiatrist and a therapist. Well, my impending divorce has but me a bit on the looney side. I need the psychaitrist for the pills and a therapist to do all the heavy lifting.
Funny side note - My therapist Eric was once our marriage counselor. I can not tell you how much better it is to talk to a therapist who actually knows the person you're talking about. The insight this man has given me is so worth the money paid. He keeps my on the sane side of crazy.
Gas is another big one. I have an old Jeep Grand Cherokee that drinks gas like it still costs $2 a gallon....the good old days.
The gym runs me about $45 a month. I could quit it and lord knows I would like to but as I'm paying out the butt to get my head back in the game it's nice to put a little care into the aging body as well.
Internet is about $40 a month. For the things that I use it for (this blog, music downloading, legal advice, and gaming) I could knock most of that out an get a dial up connection. But I keep it where it's at for Nicole. All you would have to see is the wonder in her eyes while watching a vid of a new born baby polar bear swimming with it's mother and the $40 is a non issue. I do this for her.
I spend money on the girls. I don't deny that I could spend less but whatever. Like I've said before, I'm not going to start denying the kids the little things because of all of this. I cut back on the stuff I would like for me. I feel better about it all that way.
It all adds up. And it truly sucks to be in this position but I have no choice. Well that's not really true is it I mean I could always accept the offer from my wife and her lawyer. You wanna hear about the offer? Oh, alright.
So I get a letter in the mail from her lawyer a few weeks ago with the following offer.
1. I must leave my house and find somewhere else to live.
2. She would give me $10,000 and $1,000 a month for 6 months
3. I would 'babysit' the kids from 8am till 6pm. After which I was expected to go get a night job.
I kid you not.
Of course I ripped it up and threw it in the trash. This is where garbage goes. And really, calling this letter garbage would be offending the good name of garbage.
And to put icing all over this crap cake, that afternoon I was to interview another lawyer. We talked on the phone for a bit and I mentioned the offer. He asked me to dig it out of the trash and to tell him exactly what it said. So after doing that (taping the pieces back together) I read him the offer word for word.
And he says.
"I am so sorry I wasted your time having you put that letter back together" he then said "I could charge you $500 to send a response but really, your first response was the right one"
So in the trash it went....again.
Not to get sidetracked (oh who am I kidding, I'm all about sidetracking) this lawyer was a total trip. Just a funny, nice guy.
We were talking about adultery (I'm not saying this has anything to do with anything) and he started going on about how the courts judge whether there has been adultery. It's all about inclination and opportunity. He started talking about private investigators and all the tricks they use. (oddly scotch tape is a big PI tool)
And I ask him (again, this has nothing to do with anything...I'm just saying)
"What if you have an email where both parties comment about an adulterous rendezvous after the fact. Is that enough to prove adultery?" He laughed and said that in his 25 years of practicing he has never heard that question asked before. Cool, I'm unique.
I called him again just last week to discuss another wacky William idea. Yes, he is on retainer and I want him to work for his money. I asked "Since my wife and I agreed to me staying home and her providing for us financially, and since I have kept up my end while she obviously has not, could I sue for breach of contract." And he starts laughing he says it's an interesting idea but that it's almost impossible if not impossible to sue ones spouse.
It's alright though. Tonight I have come up with the most brilliant plan of how I can raise money. It'll piss someone off, I'll probably spend a few hours in jail if not a stern talking to by the Crofton MD Police, but I have no doubt that If Albert Einstein were alive today he would be highfiving me this very minute. It's that brilliant...well I mean up until the whole 'going to jail' thing
So, so evil yet funny. Two great tastes that taste great together.
The two things my lawyer always says as we hang up are
1. Never leave your home.
2. If you get a job you will be weakening your chances regarding custody.
It's like some kind of legal divorce mantra. One which I will be having tattooed on my left butt cheek, because of course on my right butt cheek there is a tattoo of a small, fat leprechaun.....but that's another story.
Much love, mas tequila
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