You Can't Laugh Until You Cry

Let's just get this out of the way, I'm drunk and pissed and the two have almost nothing to do with each other.

I want to apologize ahead of time in case I forget to do it later. First, I'm sorry that I drank and drove. It isn't often that I drink and this time caught me by surprise. By the time I realized that I was drunk it was that exact moment that I remembered that I was too far from home to walk. For some reason the angel that protects me from the stupid things I do gave me a free pass today, although he did say something about me having to wash his cat later.

And I want to apologize in advance for the swear words I am certain to use.  Normally I don't use them when I write. While I'll drop the f bomb in conversation, I find that using it in writing to be distasteful. However, I'm bound to do it now.

I'm too drunk to write but not drunk enough to drive. Go figure. Here's the thing though, my brother and I have this saying "Never believe a word our father says unless he's drunk" and we say that lovingly.

Ok, so this story starts like pretty much every story of mine........

Once there was this girl.

This girl's name is Kelly. I met her when I was 19 maybe 20. She was a waitress at a place I was cooking/bartending and there was this mutual interest from the get go. Problem was that I was still an outsider since I had just started working there and all of her friends warned her to stay away from me which I didn't understand as none of them even knew me but whatever. After finishing an afternoon shift she asked if she could walk me to the metro and I said yes. 14 minutes later I asked if I could kiss her and she said "please".....I will never forget that.

Anyway, life was kind of hard for me at the time. Through a series of really bad (read drug use) circumstances, I found my self living in a music studio. The owner really liked me as I would work for free (I loved being around the instruments and musicians) so he let me stay in the recording studio down stairs. The only trouble was that he had to lock me in for the night when the store closed and there was no bathroom. But it worked. I got to play around with the instruments and recording equipment all night. Having no bathroom was a problem and now that I had a girlfriend being locked in a basement at 8pm kinda made things rough. If we went out that night I would sleep in the park like I would do when I worked late at the restaurant.

After a week of dating, Kelly wanted me to meet her parents. I had no worries, parents loved me. Well actually the moms loved me and they would persuade the fathers to at least pretend to like me. We went to her parents house and had dinner. Jean, her mother, worked for the government and Sterling, her father worked for, get this, the DEA. How's that for irony. They lived in this 500k home in the suburbs of Virginia. Daughter went to college, son was about to enter college. They were two of the most straight laced, upstanding people I have ever met and after Kelly told her mother of my waif story and how I was living in a music studio, THAT NIGHT her mother looked at me and said "You're moving in with us"

I know, right?

Kelly did the expected 'We'll sleep together but that's it, just sleep. And to make sure we just sleep I'll wear my butt ugly sweats.'  Well the 'we'll just sleep together thing' lasted all of 4 minutes. No idea why I included this.

ANYWAY, after a couple of months we decide to move to California. My now current mother was living out there and was happy to give me a place to stay while I looked for a place for me and Kelly who stayed back east until I had things ready. She came out after about a week or so and by then I had a job and an apartment.

But I wasn't in love with Kelly and I think she knew that. And when things got rough she went back to Virginia and I found someone else. The someone else turned out to be "point a gun at my head' Julie. Well we all know how that ended. I decided that the west coast wasn't big enough for her and I so I moved back to Virginia. For some reason Kelly was waiting for me and we were in bed again within two hours of my plane landing.

I'm writing all this background for one reason. I need you all to understand that Kelly knows me and that even through the bad stuff, she still loves me. And with all of this I offer the following....

Today, Kelly punched me in the fucking (see I told you it was coming) face.

We've kept in touch over the years. By this I mean, we email each other every two years or so to see what the other one is up to. I received an email a week ago from her and after I responded about how my life has turned into just a wonderful fairy tale dream she wrote that we needed to do a lunch thing.

Kelly is off limits to me in any way except as friends. She's married, happily, and has a child. So anything other then friends is not an option.

We met at a place called Glory Days. It's kinda like Outback Steakhouse for those of you not in the know. We have a drink while catching up on the present and reliving the past and this spills into the second drink. By the third drink I was into my whole "What's wrong with me, why is this happening to me" phase when she says "I think you need a hug" and she stands up. So I stand up and then.......

She punched me in my fucking (there it is again) face.

So picture this. She's all of 5'3" 110lbs IF that and here I am 6"4' 190lbs and she lays me out on the floor like I just stole her crayons. I don't know if it was the drinks, or that I was caught by surprise, or if some pent up resentment gave her a freakishly powerful left hook that day but I have never been hit like that.

And as I'm lying on the floor thinking that about how all these people (by all I mean about 6) are looking at me, she steps over me so each of her feet were almost pinning my shoulders and says the following.

"William, you are a nice guy. You are smart and funny. You can make any woman you talk to feel like she's the only woman in the world. You're sexy as hell and unless something has gone horribly wrong, I am assuming that you still have skills (NOT the term she used but I really don't wanna have to use the f word again) in the bedroom. This is nothing more then your wife being a (edited) and if you don't stop this right now we can try the hitting thing again."

And I truly believe that if I didn't agree with her, she would have hit me again. She did pay for the drinks although for the record, Long Island Iced Teas with a lemon are not the party drink when the inside of your lip is cut to hell.

We all need friends who are willing to hit us.

And Kelly, I hope your hand is sore for a month.